[wereeves]

My birthmom just told me a story about her own mother breaking a dish once and burying it so that her father would not discover it.
I am my mothers broken dish.
She hid me from her father. Her mother pretended not to notice she was even pregnant.
She had a steady boyfriend, my father, whom she married and had three more children with.
She wasnt even THAT young at 21. They were in college. He graduated the semester after I was born.
She didnt give me away so that I could have a better life. She signed those papers out of guilt and shame and fear from her father. It was easier when I thought she was just too young. She buried me, just like her mother buried the dish.
So who am I more disappointed with? Her for being too weak to stand up to her father. Or her father for being so weak that he had to scare people into loving him.

[maryjanek]

I'm so sorry you've been disappointed and hurt by finding out the story of your birth. It was reading about adoptees' feelings of hurt and anger on the Internet that made me realize I should search for my son, despite what many people were telling me. If I had ever thought that he would miss me the way I missed him, I never could have relinquished him.

If you read Anne Fessler's newly published book, "The Girls Who Went Away," you'll find that your birthmother's story is very much like those of the million and a half other young women who were shamed and coerced into giving up their babies for adoption in the 50s and 60s. (I don't know how old you are, just guessing by your story.) It wasn't just your birth mother's family, it was pressure from the whole society. It's very hard to understand how different everything was back then. I'm not saying your birth mother and I shouldn't be held responsible for our decisions, just that they were not made with any understanding of the implications.

I hope your reunion brings emotional healing to everyone involved.

Mary Jane

[sherrykimball]

Wereeves I too was adopted out my bmother was 26 and the man on my bcert. was 28 and bmother had an older child who they kept unfortunally my bparnets have passed away. I'm not sure the man who's name is on my bithcert. is my bfather there is some confusion about that my bparnets were married and were married till he died around 5 yrs ago she had passed away 2 yr when I find them. They never told they're children about me so I was a surprise so your story hit me I too I'm a broken dish sorry had to vent good luck in your reunion

[Nicole28]

I am angry at my birthmom for hiding her pregnancy from my biological father. THAT really upsets me - what if he never, ever knew he had a daughter? I hate to dwell on the "what if's" (especially in this situation, where the what if's are basically impossible) but I always wonder what would have happened if my birthmom had been honest with my bio-father.

You do need to remember that your birthmom was pregnant during a time that was absolutely different than today - an out-of-wedlock pregnancy was totally shameful. I need to remember this, too, in my situation, but I urge you not to judge too harshly, you know? Everyone has their reasons.

I hope that you can work through the anger you feel. The "broken dish" analogy seems fitting, but it's not healthy to view yourself in such a negative manner. That worries me a little - don't be too hard on yourself, okay?

Nicole

[wereeves]

You know its not that I even feel angry. Just matter of fact. The story actually brought some comfort. It helped me more than anything to understand the circumstances...which where cr@ppy. I was born in 1975, btw, so not even in the heat of the unwed shame era. Guess it could have been worse. She could have just aborted me I guess, huh.

El Plato Roto

[kune]

Even in 1975 society was still advocating - no sex before marriage. If you birthmother came from a religious family, or a family that considered they were seen as "Good" citizens by the community, there would have been all sorts of pressure on her not to keep the child - not to shame the family, etc.

I can understand your hurt, but I also would like to encourage you to move past the hurt you feel at present, and ask your birthmother to tell you your birth story so you can find out first hand the why, question, and what she felt or wanted for you. Perhaps you will find some understanding with the telling.

Regards - Ann

[wereeves]

After some thinking I wrote this to her last night.....


Its one of my favorite stories. I think it is the perfect illustration of the circumstances as they were. It actually brings me comfort on some level. A lot of dirt comes with digging something up. And I am your broken dish. And I cant be mended or returned to its original state. But don’t you love all those nifty things people create from broken plates and pottery. We can create something new together. So there isn’t shame in being or creating a broken dish. It will be something beautiful. I may never be able to fill the roles your unbroken dishes do. But I can have a role of my own as something completely new and different.

[dpen6]

Awesome.....very compaasionate and understanding

[abcg1977]

Wereeves...You have a good outlook. I think the "broken dish" story is very meaningful.

Everyone says move past your anger or disappointment, I would encourage you to move through it. Accept you feel like that and then deal with it.

I have illustrated to my b-mother before, I think my life is like a mosaic...Pieces drawn from here and there and put together in some order. Yep, not like other people who have one painted picture that matches in a series. We do have a uniqueness and we can have special relationships...

Good luck, it sounds as if you have sompassion. That is a good thing.

[stacey6957]

wereves.........this story just breaks my heart! I'm a bmom of a 9 year old.I gave her up because it was best for her.I did keep my oldest and youngest(very long story).But I have always loved all my children,things just happened to the point I just couldn't handle 3 alone.How you feel is how I'm terrified my daughter will feel.In my case,as with numerous others,we've given up our children because we do love them.For your bmom in seems like fear that made her do it.I really do hope things work out for you,you sound like a really wonderful person!

[wilted rose]

Oh boy, what we won't do to please our fathers, be the good girl in our daddy's eyes. My wish is that you realize your self worth is not dependant on this 'rationale'. Having said that, I'm confident your bmother would have undeniably suffered at the hands of this obvious double edged sword, lest we have nothing left, but to weep for all...
Rose

[Cmara]

Originally Posted by wereeves

After some thinking I wrote this to her last night.....


Its one of my favorite stories. I think it is the perfect illustration of the circumstances as they were. It actually brings me comfort on some level. A lot of dirt comes with digging something up. And I am your broken dish. And I cant be mended or returned to its original state. But don’t you love all those nifty things people create from broken plates and pottery. We can create something new together. So there isn’t shame in being or creating a broken dish. It will be something beautiful. I may never be able to fill the roles your unbroken dishes do. But I can have a role of my own as something completely new and different.

I love how you stated this! I am sure that many of us would be considered the "dirty dishes" of our mother's past. Not that they didn't want us, but that they felt they had to hide us. The way you turned this story around though is quite remarkable. I love the part of creating something new from the broken plates. Well said!

[wilted rose]

And how some people travel far and wide to recover a precious dish.
I wonder... I have an extensive crystal collection. It's cornflower and it is terribly fragile and not made anymore and worth a mint. I have some odd pieces and some that are chipped, people have told me they're not worth anything yet I place them in the very front of my four door, solid oak buffet and hutch with the display light focused directly on them. Couldn't a therapist have a field day with this analogy?
Rose