[Hereforyou]

Hi,

I'm new here, but I just wanted to ask a few questions. I feel so alone in this world. Like nothing fills this certin void in my heart and soul...but yet it seems to go deeper. My Adoptive family are christians, and I've been raised to trust in God and in his power and love. I do, but then again, I struggle. So much has happened in my life, I feel like I've lived more than once. The last 6 years have been the worst. Really it just started with me lying to my adoptive parents to cover up on things that I knew they wouldn't want me to be doing...but I was doing it in order to almost 'self medicate' (watching TV, eating when I was told "no"...) things like that...Then they began to not trust me....I started lying more, because my brother and sister (who are not adopted) seemed to take advantage of the fact that I was not trusted and placed blame...well I either took it, or fought it....either way, I lost! My adoptive mother and I always clash heads and struggle to get along, and it breaks my heart, because I love her so. My adoptive father is and engeneer, and he really only sees 'black and white'...I struggled through years of mistrust, and being told I was uncool...rejection killed me, and I almost died to myslef day after day. I really honestly can not ever remember being happy. I just want to be happy! I want to smile and laugh and actually mean it. My parents believe in waiting for God to bring the right person into your life, and never having a bf...but I saw my other friends having bf's and having fun, so I thought I'd try...I got way too involved with my bf's, and I've had a grand total of 3...but each and every relationship I've ruined....I've never been to school, always homeschooled, and felt like I was secluded and 'hidden' for most of my life. So as soon as I turned 18 last year, I rushed to find my birth mother, because I just want her to know that I love her! That I don't care what made her give me up, but that I've never had a day where I didn't want to say 'mommy, I love you!' or thought about her, or if I may have siblings...well, I thought I found that woman this last January. So I flew over to Ireland to start a new life with this woman. When I got there, things started out ok, but then the more I spent time with her, and he husband (who is 29) I had a weird feeling. I started pushing her away from me, and pushing her husband away from me (who was hitting on me) and I eneded up kicked out...no family to help me, she threatened to kill me, and since I work fast I already had an Irish bf, well I fell to him for help and support, but I eneded up in a homeless shelter, aching to be little again. One night I walked out of the shelter never intending to come back...I stood on a bridge and clutched the railing intending to jump...but a car pulled up and a man jumped out...It happened to be the same police officer who had helped me when my supposed 'birth mother' tried to throw me into a mental hospital. He called out to me, and I just slid down the wall...when he got towards me I just spilled out everything to him that was making me hurt...and he told me to hang in there, that if I gave up, it wouldn't prove anything to anyone, and that there is someone out there who loves me...he took me back to the shelter and gave me money to phone my adoptive parents in the states. So I did...well the first conversation I had with my adoptive mother was a total of 4 min long and she said after not hearing from me for 21/2 weeks, 'maybe being alone is what you need right now...Melanie I'm hanging up'.... I couldn't believe it! Yes, I had hurt them before, and I had broken trust, but even then, I tried to put myself into their shoes and wonder if I had a child like me what would I do? So I struggled on for 3 more weeks...talking with my parents, reconciling with my bf and trying to get things back to normal...but finally, my Grandfather called and told me that he had bought me a ticket to come home...so I cried and cried because I had by then fallen in love with Ireland and the man that had helped me and stood by me through 8 weeks of my 'birth mothers' harassments...I said goodbye and ended up back here in FL...since then, it's been a nightmare. I know how to stop lying, but I just almost choose not too, because I feel like 'what's the point?' Nothing I do is right, and everything bothers me. I feel like my parents favor my non-adopted brother and sister more...for my whole life I've felt like that...I can't explain why...my grandmother has always told me "you know I love you no matter if you are my blood granddaughter or not" now I'm dealing with the fact that I am stuck at home, no money, no bf (my mother got ahold of him and had a nice long chat with him about my past problems)...I'm being jearked around to Dr.'s and I know I need med's for my depression, but my mother seems to be telling every dr that we go to, all of my past problems, that they can't fix with meds. It's driving me insane.... Only deeper into depression and right now, into complete and total dependance on my adoptive parents for everything that I need. I also can't use the computer or phone without them taping the conversations or reading everything that I write (my father has a screen shot thingy)...I said to my mom "keeping me isolated is not the best thing" and her answer was "yes it is right now"....and my friends are getting fed up...did I bring this on myself...or is it both me and my parents? Is it just me, or do adoptive children suffer from more depression than other non-adoptive kids? What's your thought on this? I'm so lost! My parents are hard on me as well, and I try to deal with it, but sometimes it sends me over the top. But then again, I lie to my parents all the time because I feel I don't live up to what they want me to do, but when I try and point out that maybe the way they say things to me, doesn't help any either...am I wrong in thinking this? I'd love any imput you could give me...I'm really struggling right now...Thanks.

--Melanie

[Nicole28]

I am sorry for your hurt and frustration. I am not in reunion but I can tell you that reunion is a lengthy process that requires immense patience and a lot of faith. I think that you may be right - the issues surrounding adoption are certainly cause for serious emotional distress, and perhaps adopted persons are more at-risk for depression than others.

In regards to your feeling inadequate compared to your siblings, you are who you are: your parents are wrong in treating you any differently than their biological children, and maybe it would be part of the healing process to confront them and stand up for yourself.

I recommend counseling - I have tried it and am currently looking for a new counselor/psychologist because it was such an important step in my healing process.

You came to the right place - lots of support here!

Nicole

[sliszm]

Melanie, I think we can all feel your pain through your post.

Can you tell me how old you are? Sibling ages as well?

[Growing]

((((Melanie))))

Being able to relate to the feelings of other adopted people and acknowledging the deep feelings of pain, confusion, grief and loss to surface - crying and venting the pain - not stuffing it - is what has helped me.
Reading a lot of books and letting my feelings out were a big help -
"Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge
"Ithica" by Sarah Saffian
"Outer Search, Inner Journey" by Peter Dodds
"The Other Mother" by Carol Schaeffer
"Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

[Hereforyou]

My pain is not just in my post...I litterally walk arond a zombie, wanting things to be ok, but knowing that they are not. My eyes always burn because I try not to cry most of the time. I struggle to make others happy, and yet when I focus on myself, I'm told that I'm being selfish. I'm getting worn out, and I feel like a 50 year old mother, and not the age that I really am! I'm tired of going to church and having people ask me are you ok and smiling a fake smile and saying 'yes!' because I'm not! Actually, I am 18 born on Nov. 4th 1987....somwhere in South FL...nothing is clear I really wish it was. My siblings who are not adopted are both younger than I am...they are 15, 1nd 14...boy older than the girl.

[Hereforyou]

I have confronted them about treating me differantly, and they claim they don't but actions speak louder than words right? I mean, sometimes I just want to be alone and they never respect that, I am terrified of not only my parents but my younger siblings as well! They are all taller and bigger than me, and though I can hold my own in a fight, that doesn't mean that I don't tread lightly. I mean, my adoptive mother makes comments about me behind my back to the other kids, and it hurts! She tells me all the time that "you're not humble" or "I'll know you by your fruits"....I am humble (lol, not for saying it!) but I don't show things the way she wants me too...if its not done HER way, its not done at all! She says that no one likes me, thats why I'm secluded, or becasue I lie to her, that I'll lie to everyone else, so she's keeping me here until I can stop that, but I don't lie to everyone! But a lot of people like me, I have little kids running to me to say "play with me Melly!" or I try and help others as much as I can...I reach out to younger girls who have just had babies...but my mother pulled me away from that, and I really don't have any leverage to do what I wish to do anymore...my friends don't want to call, becasue they are 'quizzed' everytime they call about "what did you guys talk about on the phone last time" I've never used drugs or anything like that, but my room has always been searched but only when I'm gone, outside cutting the grass or something. I mean, my mother even reads my journals, where I keep my most personal things...I can't even write what I want too anymore...I'm so scared! Even my younger brother searched my room! He took my younger cousin in my room and searched it becasue there was something missing, which he later found in HIS room! I am so stressed out! Does anyone know of a place where I can go to start over? A place where I can live, get a job, try and get my life back to normal, like a 'halfway' house of some sorts? I'm at the end of my rope here....and I don't feel I can take much more.

Thanks for your posts, and I've actually read those books that you wrote about....They do help me better understand, but until you are in an adoptees shoes, I really don't think that you'll ever understand...am I wrong?

[mrjeff]

Melanie,


I'm not sure about something....Do you know for sure if this woman in Ireland was your bmom??

Also, I can kind of relate to your frustrations....read my thread.

Jeff

[aunlanpo]

Awwww... ya poor thing... you sound like you're just at the end of your rope, and you need some real help. Could you go to your pastor maybe? I know it will feel like your parent's pastor, but it's not, it's yours too. Or your youth pastor? Ya know, I'm a youth pastor. And I'm the mom of a 19 year old. She and I have really been through some scrapes. One time I called the pastor to come over and talk to us and to help us get through it. I didn't know that would upset her, but she was so furious. And then she and the pastor left, and they talked for a couple of hours. And it really helped her. The pastor talked to me about some things I needed to change, and I did. And he talked to her about some things that she needed to change, and she did. He's been such a support to her. And he told her that if she didn't want to talk to us about it, she could talk to him if she needed someplace to go. I was so glad. I would rather she be safe and happy somewhere else, than miserable at home. It sounds like your parents have been wrong about some things, and you've been wrong about some things. And you need someone to help all of you. If you just will not go to your pastor, you could go to another pastor in your area?

One thing's for sure sweetie, this hard time will pass, and things will get better for you. I went through some really hard times in my own life, and I can see now how I came out of them and have found real happiness. You will too, because God promises that He has a plan for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. And He says that when you go to Him and pray to Him, He WILL listen to you. And when you seek Him with all your heart, You will find Him. And when You find Him, and lean on Him, He will guide you and give you a straight path to that good future He has prepared in advance for you. Because He loves you and accepts you right where you are, He accepts us even in our weakness, at our point of failure, in our sin, He loves us despite it all, and He accepts us for who we are right now.