[jewelly]

i'm hoping you all can help me with an urgent problem. my best friend has an 18 y/o dtr who doesn't know her birth father. the dtr. is not an adoptee, but she shares this angst. the dtr. believes that her birth father is dead, but he is alive and well and chose not to be in her life because he was an is married in a middle-class life. his family knows about the dtr. but has rejected her. the dtr. just turned 18 y/o and is currently in a life-or-death struggle with iv drug abuse. My questions are: does she have a "right" to know about her birth father now that she is 18 y/o? Since she is so out-of-control, if she found out, would she use this as an excuse to further increase her iv drug abuse? she already has failed a 5-month inpatient treatment program, and at this point, we are worried about her possible death and not leaving any regrets of any unfinished business. but we don't want to hasten her death by revealing sensitive information at the wrong time. no one in the birth mother's family knows about the affair; they too all believe the dtr was the product of another relationship whereby the alleged father, who was not the real father, died. is there any point to revealing this information at this time? will it help or hurt the situation of this child and this woman? this woman is my best friend and her dtr is my godchild, and i want to help them, but i have never been a parent, and i feel so helpless and clueless. the situation is urgent. the dtr. already has lost 20 lbs. in two weeks from her recent iv drug abuse. i would appreciate so much any information you could provide.

[Nicole28]

Well, I suppose she does have a "right" to know about her bio-father. However, it seems like her mother is the keeper of this information, and if she feels that it is appropriate to share this information then I guess it's up to her. As far as legal rights are concerned, this is a much different situation than adoptees would face, so I am not really of much help. If her mother is the only person who knows who her bio-father is then there is really no legal process (that I am aware of) that she could go through. If she thinks he is dead, then would she even be pursuing a search for answers anyway?

I don't think this is the right time - what this young woman needs is an intervention, to be placed into some kind of rehab program. I just don't think sharing this information with her right now would be a productive thing. If anything, she would probably be angry and hurt, and that would probably lead to increased drug use to numb her emotions, right? I just don't think it is a good decision. There is apparently a reason why this woman's mother decided not to tell her daughter the truth, and although I do not condone her dishonesty, I do think it is the mother's decision to share the truth and no one else's. It isn't up to you - and I think you already know that this isn't the right time for that anyway. What you all should be doing is getting her help for the drug problem - it doesn't sound like a great option, but if you know this woman is using, why not call the police? If the police are involved then this woman is almost forced to get some kind of help, right? Instead of worrying about her bio-dad who isn't even a part of her life, you all need to take some action.

I'm going to bump this over to another thread to see if anyone else has answers.

[jewelly]

thank-you so much for your immediate response in this desperate situation. she lives on the border, and the police really hadn't been much help when she was in the states, and now she's hiding out in Mexico. however, i guess you're right about the birth father issue, so now i need another forum. do you have any guidance on what would be a good forum? we are so afraid that she is going to die with her accelerating rate of drug use. she completed a 5-month inpatient program for youth offenders, but then she relapsed, and now she's just turned 18 y/o.

[Nicole28]

I am not sure if there is a better forum - I posted a link to this thread on a couple of parenting-related forums to see if anyone had any advice. Maybe look up support groups for families of drug users in your area or call a rehab center in your area and ask someone what they would recommend?

I honestly think you should drop the biological father issue and focus on her treatment. Like I said, the only person who can disclose that information is her mother. If you are still curious about legal issues relating to her situation maybe do an Internet search or call some kind of legal professional. Since she is not adopted and was never relinquished for adoption, etc. the laws we are all familiar with do not apply.

I did a little Internet search - see if any of these websites help:

http://www.crisispregnancy.com/birth...e-fathers.html

http://public.findlaw.com/

http://www.schick-shadel.com/intervention.asp

Those might get you started. I would call the police or local authorities and try to declare her a missing person. Perhaps if you inform them that she is using drugs and may be a danger to herself or others they will be able to help you find her. I would do whatever you could to find her and get her into treatment - call friends or people she knows and see if they know where she might be staying, etc. Go to the place where she was last living and leave her a note or look for clues about where she may be now - do what you can but remember, a person with an addiction will not seek help or go through a treatment plan successfully until they are ready - no amount of convincing, ultimatums or pressure from other people can force someone to make a change within themselves.

Keep us updated and I hope you can find the right place for support and answers.