[jazzdrummer]

Hello everyone. Im new to this site. I just finished reading The Primal Wound, Lost & Found The Adoption Experience and am now reading Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need To Make.

These books have been a mixed blessing. They have helped be BEGIN to understand why at 43 Ive already had 7 job changes, really rough marriage and parenting problems, low self esteem, depression, a breakdown last year, terrible sleep etc.. etc..

On the other hand they have brought out much more anger and depression and Im really struggling.

My wife is REALLY having a rough time. Ive distanced myself and am being more childish than ever...but I dont know how to stop.

A. I know I need counseling, but I refuse to go to another counselor who cannot appreciate the special problems of adoptees. So, How do I find one who is up to speed with the cutting edge stuff?

B. I also realize I need to talk to other people who have been adopted...in a support group ...but agian I dont know how to find one.

c. It would also be great to be able to privately chat with someone here who has been through what Ive been through.

What I know is I was born on May 7, 1964 in or near Buffalo, NY. I was immediately put in a Catholic Adoption Service but stayed there for 18 months...in that time I had two different (or more ) women watching me. THEN I was adopted at 18 months!!!

I now realize its traumatic enough to be abandoned ONCE but I went through it at least three times. ONe of the women kept a journal...Im always fussy and sick and really hard to deal with....

Okay, i rather not share more than that...my first post.

Tk

[mushymommy]

hi i was adopted when i was 8 i was in 14 different foster homes before that if you want to talk let me kow

[jazzdrummer]

Are there any MEN who visit here? I am open to talking to anyone..but...I would really appreciate talking to a man.
I am a man, 42, a husband, and have two kids aged 12 and 10.

Also, my WIFE really needs someone to talk to , chat with. Is there an opportunity for someone like my wife to talk to other wive's of people like me?

I am a classic case of a man who was hurt in adoption and have brought all my problems, and dysfunction into my marriage relationship and am really screwing up both being a husband and father.

thanks

[BrandyHagz]

Tk,

I'm sorry...there just aren't many guys here...but there are a few that come and go and come again...just hang in there.

As for your wife, I suggest she get an account and come here and chat with others.

[jazzdrummer]

Thanks. Ill do that.
Good. I suggested it to my wife..and she didnt understand why I would suggest it...but my thinking is that a lot of women here could help her, at least understand some things and cope (with me) .

Im really struggling right now....as I have been all along I suppose.

tk

[mrjeff]

t,

Read my story. Maybe that will help.

Jeff

[whitsunday15]

Keep your head up. There are a lot of people here who know how you feel. We'll help you the best we can. You've taken a huge step just coming here.

[eastendmommy]

Dear tkillian, you have made a big first step in coming here and letting us know that you could use some help. Here, there are all kinds of different personalities, different stories, different areas of the adoption triad on board, but we all have a common bond that is unique to adoption... that we understand when others don't. I think having your wife come around might be beneficial to her, as well...let her know that she's not alone in her thoughts and feelings... that there are others out there who can sympathize and empathize with her.


There are a few men who come around... I will try and see if Jed can track you down and correspond with you...read Mr. Jeff's story...he's had an incredible journey (frankly, ALL of us have had pretty incredible journies!). I hope you can find what you need here... it's been a lifesaver for many!

Hugs, Tammi

[Toolate]

Hi Tkillian,
I'm available to talk or to listen. I've experienced some of the good and the undesirable effects of adoption so I may be able to understand your situation. Feel free so send me a private message if you'd like.
Bob

[patkillian]

Hi, I am the wife of an adoptee. Tkillian. We have been married for about 14 years and have two kids, 9 and 11. I never really realized how traumatic adoption was for my husband until recently. He was removed from his birth mom at birth and not placed with his adoptive parents until he was 8 months old. Talk about separation issues... After reading a little, I realize that his "come here, come here, come here, get away, get away, get away" behaviors are probably related to his adoption. That doesn't really make it any easier for me, but at least I can understand where it is coming from. Is anyone else in this position? Got any advice?

[irisheyes33]

Hi Pat,

That's wonderful that you have posted here. My husband has had to put up with many of the same behaviors yours describes. I was placed 5 days after birth with wonderful parents and had a very good upbringing, yet I still have the push/pull, depression, lashing out, and other seemingly standard adoptee behavioral issues. It also makes no sense to people who aren't adopted...and why would it?

If you haven't already, take a look that the books your husband has been reading. Some of the material is painful to read, but it will help you to understand. When I first started reading books like these, I fell into a sort of depression as I came to terms with understanding my behavior and feeling guilty for hurting people that I love. He may be doing this as well. Soon, however, I learned to recognize those emotions as they surfaced and was able to deal with them more appropriately...whether it was just going for a run, taking a drive, blasting music...whatever works. Even now that I'm in a happy reunion, I still fight those "rejection" feelings. They really manifest themselves if you're not careful. And those that are closest to us (spouse/children) can sometimes suffer the worst consequences.

There are definitely counselors that specialize in adoption, but I only know of those in my area. I would check on the internet perhaps? One of the best things you can do, though, is talk to others in a place such as this that "get it" about what you're going through. Trust me, you and your husband are NOT alone.

[mn125]

Originally Posted by tkillian

I am a classic case of a man who was hurt in adoption and have brought all my problems, and dysfunction into my marriage relationship and am really screwing up both being a husband and father.

thanks

Tk,
Are you living in NY now? I am pm'ing you a list of adoption support groups in NY. One, in particular, will be a very good resource as far as finding a counselor "schooled" in adoption issues.

Hang in there.....

[c3636]

Hello,
I really give you a lot of credit for your post. I'm in the mental health field and I was taking a class with an adopted woman who was talking about getting therapy, and I really admired her, because she insisted on getting therapy from an adoptee. Some times finding the "right" therapist can be hard, whether it be a psychologist, or clinical social worker or finding someone to help you.

I do have part of my story here, I don't think I've ever said that I have children, I usually talk about some of the up & downs of my bio family, but, It's not about discouraging an adoptees search, because my story is part about how hard it was to get past "the SECRETS" and locating my bio family and then balancing both families too.

I think self discovery is really important, when I was taking a class on attachment theory, I learned a lot, and I opened myself up to that, because I really didn't recognize how much the first 18 months of your life can affect you, if you go back that far in your history, but thats just a part of what I learned.

I do hope you find some of the support you need here. Take care,

Alex

[wilted rose]

tk, as you can see they're are many here to listen and to share. I remember the first time I posted, I felt very alone in my feelings; I soon learned of the wonderful support system here. We're here for you and your family. Keep posting your thoughts and concerns.
Rose

[whitsunday15]

It's so wonderful that both of you are here discussing this.

Pat-
I know it's so hard to put up with these feelings he has, but he obviously loves you more than anything or he wouldn't be here. I hope you can find solace in that. I admire you for standing by him and coming here too, to learn about us adoptees, and our complicated emotions.

You guys will find a lot of answers here and will be on your way down a new path together in no time at all.