[whitsunday15]

I am in the process of writing to my birth mother, and I'm thinking a lot about what kind of a relationship I am wanting and what my boundaries are.

I have a question to pose though.

Why is it really difficult to meet someone in person, and it is much easier just to write to them or email them?

Is there a rush of emotions that you cannot imagine when you see them? Is it a fear of some sort when you come face to face?

I find it curious because if there has been an opening up of oneself through emails and writing, why then are people hesitant to meet in person?

I'm only asking because I'm headed in that direction and I'm looking for some thoughts from people who have been there.

[wilted rose]

Hi Whit, I understand exactly what you're posing. For me, there was definitely a rush of emotions! Initially, I spoke with my bmother on the phone; I remember asking her, are you my Mother? she replied
" Yes "!
She began to weep uncontrollably and my bsister said they would call me back in a minute, and they did. I flew out the next week to meet them. I just cannot describe to you the feeling I experienced when I came face to face with my bmother, she was 78, at the time. For the first time in my entire life, I looked into her eyes and caught a glimpse ... of my soul, and I wept.
Rose

[SweetnStuff]

I still feel a rush of emotions when I am going to get to see my birthdad. It is slightly less than the very first meeting but not by much. I don't know why I feel so nervous but yet, I don't feel hesitant. I actually like feeling the nervousness though. Good luck!

[cherilynn68]

Whit
I can only imagine the nervousness/fear or whatever!

(i stress about seeing friends and family i haven't seen in a while LOL) But to meet the person that gave me life... wow

My fear/concerns would be "will I cry?" "what if she cries and I can't?" sometimes, due to my meds, I can't always cry when I want to or should.
"what if we look alike?" "What if we don't?"

[irisheyes33]

I think the anxiety surrounded with meeting in person has to do with an ultimate reality check - and confronting hidden expectations which you may not have acknowledged before.

Even though phone calls, letters, and emails can definitely contain intimate communication, it brings things to an entire different level when the Flesh and Blood is standing in front of you. There is a whole other level of communication going on when you figure in body language, that rush of looking at your blood relative and seeing similarities (or not seeing what you expected)...and all the anxieties that go along with worrying about what the other person will do/think/see/feel when they see you. It's hard to articulate it all.

I seem to read a lot of stories about adoptees and/or birthparents suddenly backing out of a planned face to face meeting, even after long periods of communication. I think that writing emails, speaking on the phone, or writing letters still offers some opportunity to "hide". When the person is standing in front of you, it's all on the table. Here it is...take it or leave it...here I am.

When I got ready to meet my birthmother for the first time, I really made an effort to toss aside all the expectations I had. My expectations seemed harmless - I expected she would look like me, act like me, have some commonalities that perhaps I didn't expect...just innocent things. I had drawn these conclusions based on long conversations I had had with her in the month prior to our first meeting. But I walked into that airport with as clean as a slate as I could muster...and it worked. It turned out that we were even more alike than I expected. And we both determined that if we had met at a cocktail party, we would have instantly liked each other, despite our biological relationship. We built our relationship based on that.

I know you are struggling with your reunion and how to proceed, and so much has happened to you in such a fast period of time. I think it's great that you're taking the time to think hard about the possiblities and not rushing into it. I'm on the opposite end...I spent 17 years searching, and my birthmother spent 35 years trying to forget and move on because that's what she was told to do. She suddenly had to deal with the reality of my existence and I had to stand back and let her "process" things. But I'm so glad she was able to have that "space" to go through what she needed to, and decide what she would and would not be able to accept in terms of a relationship. We are stronger because of it.

Good luck to you, whitsunday

[Montraviatommyg]

Reality really does kick in when you meet in person ... I was very nervous about meeting my son. It was easy to distance myself before we met but afterwards I was able to work through my own emotions/feelings more easily.

Pip

[Pinakitha]

Originally Posted by whitsunday15

I am in the process of writing to my birth mother, and I'm thinking a lot about what kind of a relationship I am wanting and what my boundaries are.

I have a question to pose though.

Why is it really difficult to meet someone in person, and it is much easier just to write to them or email them?

Is there a rush of emotions that you cannot imagine when you see them? Is it a fear of some sort when you come face to face?

I find it curious because if there has been an opening up of oneself through emails and writing, why then are people hesitant to meet in person?

I'm only asking because I'm headed in that direction and I'm looking for some thoughts from people who have been there.

It's difficult to meet them in person because, finally, you will have to let go of all the fantasies that you have held for so long about that person.

It's difficult because you will have to face up to your own feelings of being adopted and what that has meant for you over the years.

It's difficult because you WANT to know the other person, you hope that you will get along and, maybe, hope that you can work out some kind of meaningful relationship you can share BUT....that big bogeyman "Fear of Rejection" is raising his head and that is scary!

Adoptees feel like this. Bmoms feel like this too. Of course, it is very stressful for both of you.

That said, is there ever a "right time" to meet? Probably not. Some people need a long time to progress from letters/emails, to telephone calls, to f2f meetings. I am not sure, however, if it actually makes that much difference.

What DOES make a difference is your (& the other party's) willingness to give and take, to be honest and open, to be prepared for misunderstandings and to talk them through.

It won't be easy for you - or the other person involved - but, with patience, tolerance and an open mind and lots of understanding, you may well discover something wonderful having decided to take the risk.

good luck and please be very courageous and very patient, understanding and honest.