[hnnybnny]

Hi Everyone and Happy Mother's Day. I know I should be happy because I do have my wonder ful son, and my mom that raised me is still alive...but right now I am just feeling sad because my bmom is gone. We only had one Mother's day together(sortof together) before she died...and last year I sent her a card for Mother's day just to acknowledge her part in me...but not an actual mother's day card....and I hate that I never told her I loved her or she told me..it is so unfair that she was taken from me before we met.

[SweetnStuff]

There are so many things that I want to say to my birthmom. I felt so numb this morning. I was laying in my bed and felt like every ounce of emotion must have been drained from me while I was sleeping. But tonight I feel so sad. I feel shaky. She's just an elusive dream. I want nothing more than to say "happy mother's day," but I won't be given that chance.

I'm angry at my birthmom. I'm angry at my adoptive mom. When does it end?

[Raina0831]

I started falling into a slump yesterday afternoon and holed up in my room to watch movies by myself - something I NEVER do....except, I have finally come to notice....just before my birthday and just before Mother's Day.

It's a strange feeling. I want to be doing something to keep my mind busy, but there is nothing that I have the energy to do. I even called my amom last night to let her know we wouldn't be going up there today (it's an hour drive each way). I just don't have the energy for it - yet I felt very guilty that I just couldn't make it up there. Is it all mental? I'm not sure. I just wish I could sleep nonstop for a few days.

I've met my bmom, but she wants to pretend I don't exist. I'd thought about sending her a Mother's Day card, but what for? She gave birth to me, placed me for adoption, and since then has wished I would just fall off the face of the earth. Is it mean of me to choose not to honor her today?

My children and husband were wonderful. They cooked me breakfast and gave me some very sweet cards. I also got some new pjs, a book, and some Jim Brickman CDs. I am so very thankful for the wonderful husband and children that I have. I just wish so much, for me AND mostly for them, that I didn't have this nasty cloud hanging over my head taking away from what should otherwise be a very nice day. I should be walking around with a smile on my face, rather than sitting here on the verge of tears......

Raina

[stillwaiting]

Originally Posted by Raina0831

I've met my bmom, but she wants to pretend I don't exist. I'd thought about sending her a Mother's Day card, but what for? She gave birth to me, placed me for adoption, and since then has wished I would just fall off the face of the earth. Is it mean of me to choose not to honor her today?

Raina,

I feel the same way around mothers day. However, my "mother" did not place me for adoption. She walked out on my dad when I was 2 and my brother was 6mo. old. My dad raised us all on his own and she left and never looked back. I have always hated mothers day. Until, now. I have a son and thankfully, he will never have a "mother" like I did. Now, mothers day is all about him and how much I cherish being his mommy.

It's up to you if you choose to honor her. In my case my "mother" could care less. So why bother. I would much rather put my energy into those who love me and care about me.

[BrainDancer]

Hi Raina,

This is my first Mother's Day without my bmom. I was fortunate to have found her almost 20 years ago and she passed this past October, and even through all those years I couldn't send her a Mother's Day card. The best I could do was send "to someone special on Mother's Day" card. For me I felt the "honor" belonged to the woman who dried my tears, rubbed my head, went to my games, sent me to college, and loved me with all my bumps, bruises, and baggage! I felt like it would be a betrayal to my adoptive mom to acknowledge anyone but her on this day. Unlike you, my bmother was happy to embrace me in her life, and I am so sorry you have not yet had that opportunity. I pray that one day you both might find a common ground in which to reunite so that you both may heal. I recommend a book I just finished entitled, "The Girls That Went Way." (non-fiction) I wish I had read it before she had passed away because it is so important that we see, acknowledge and recognize the agonizing decision that our bmother's made and the reasons behind those decisions and perhaps offer some insight as to why you bmother is not yet ready to deal with that yet. I recommend that you honor yourself today, for the mother you are and the mother are still yet to become.

[kakuehl]

As a bmom having my own semi-lousy Mother's Day, I will shed a tear for you all as well. (I'm fast coming to the conclusion that it's a day we should remove from the calendar!) I was sort-of hoping for a word from my bson today (It's the first Mother's Day that I've known where he is in 33 years.) Only my daughter has called me so far... Ten years ago on Mother's Day was the last time I saw my mother alive... All in all it's been a rather sad day today.

All of us are different, and I can't speak for all birth mothers, but it's possible, Raina, that your bmom can only deal with her sense of guilt by trying to make it go away. I can't imagine turning my child (placed for adoption or not) away. The adoption of my first born has also never been a secret in my family (although after several years, the urge to tell everyone I met about it diminished so that having been reunited with my bon, I found myself once again needing to tell people.) It may sound strange to you adoptees but I have always loved him.

Braindancer, you have given me something to think about. Perhaps he doesn't want to acknowledge me on Mother's Day.

I wish I could reach out to all of you and wipe your tears away. (Just as soon as I find that magic wand they keep hiding from me...)

Blessings on all of you,
Kathy

[BrainDancer]

Kathy, it doesn't sound at all odd to me that you have loved him forever! The fact that you are on this board and that you have embraced your son into your life truly shows how much you cared and STILL care.
I was able to acknowledge my birth mother on Mother's Day, but not as my "mother" but the woman who chose to give me life. And I thanked her numerous times for being brave enough to go through with the pregnancy and to give me a chance at a wonderful life with a very loving family. She made the most selfless choice of all and for that I will be eteranally grateful.
I think you may be right when you told Raina that perhaps her bmother can't acknowledge her because of the guilt. But as you said, the experience is so different for everyone. I know my bmother experienced more grief than guilt. She was very conservative with expressing her feelings but she was able to convey the overwhelming sadness that overwhelmed her starting EVERY Mother's Day and ended at the end of June. (my bday is June 22nd) Her family never understood the funk she would go into at that time of year until I showed up on the scene, and then it all made sense. I have read in the book that I recommended to Raina "The Girls Who Went Away" that that is not at all uncommon. I wonder now too, if perhaps her inability to express herself emotionally was from having had to stuff those feelings down for so long. That's an answer I will never know, but I wonder about it.
I am sorry you are having a difficult Mother's Day and I hope you all the best in establishing a healthy, wonderful relationship with his birthson. He's a lucky man!
Brie

[kakuehl]

Brie - Thank you... One of the highlights of our reunion thus far came when I asked him how he'd describe our relationship and he responded, "Um... Healthy." I'm hangin' on to that one.

Blessinging all,
Kathy