[JAAuk]

I'm a new member and am desperate to talk to other adoptees as, believe it or not, I've never been in contact with anyone else who's been adopted before. I was reunited with my birth mum 2 years ago and found out that I also had three half brothers. Things haven't gone particularily well, mostly because of all the emotional baggage both me and my birth mum are carrying around with us because of my adoption, although I'm hopeful that things may improve in time. At the moment I'm only in touch with one of my brothers, who I get on really well with, but I have a MASSIVE problem in trusting him as if I don't hear from him regularily I think that he's lost interest and doesn't want to stay in contact with me any more. Does anyone else have this problem or is it just me? It's making me feel terrible and it's on my mind all the time. I'd really love to hear from other adoptees who are having the same type of problem and find out how they are coping with it.

[whitsunday15]

Hi! Welcome to this forum! I have recently joined and found this to be the best therapy I could have ever asked for. You have definitely come to the right place to have your questions answered and to "meet" other adoptees. We are plentiful here!

I have not searched for my birth families, but I do share your abandonment fears and attachment problems. That is completely normal. You said the you are only in touch with one of your brothers. Do you still have the contact information for you birth mom? Or do you think you are really worried about losing contact with your brother because he's the only link between you and your mom?

[Nicole28]

Welcome

I am not in reunion with bio-family, so unfortunately I can't relate. However, I know there are a lot of people on this forum who can, so I hope they share their feelings with you.

Nicole

[healingfeeling]

Hello and welcome to adopteeville!


I am in reunion with my bdad for about 2 months....if I don't hear from him every couple of days I start to panic inside...so much that it shows. This is definitely due to insecurity in the relationship...my feeling that he will abandon me again....ouch!

Also, my bcousins and aunt/uncles...they email me a lot and so I email them back, but every once in a while I'll get an email from one of them and think...that's it I've pushed myself on them and they don't like me anymore or they think I'm a complete cling on or something.

What you're feeling is totally normal, although I know it is totally annoying to be feeling self conscious about your relationships all the time.

[Emily358]

I agree totally with normal but annoying.

I have a very hard time when I don't hear from bdad for awhile, or if he isn't at his most warm and affectionate every time I see him (..and who is capable of always being at their best? Um, no one!)

My bdad must have sensed it at some point, because out of the blue one day, he actually made a point of reassuring me that he's in it for good. That's when things started improving a bit, but I still wig out, if, for example, I call him and he's had a lousy day and isn't all animated on the phone.

I find it helps me to write a journal about the good memories and reread it when I start feeling insecure.

In other words, it has improved with time, but it's definitely still there....and as annoying as ever.

Healingfeeling, what's it like knowing the whole bfam? I still haven't met any uncles, aunts, or cousins, and I'm dying to. Did your bdad have a hard time introducing you, or was it natural?

[healingfeeling]

Healingfeeling, what's it like knowing the whole bfam? I still haven't met any uncles, aunts, or cousins, and I'm dying to. Did your bdad have a hard time introducing you, or was it natural?

Well my case may be a tad different because I was in bfamily's life until I was 2...so they all knew about me and even knew ME back then. They are wonderful and my bdad loves that I talk with them all the time. The night of our first f2f they all brought me pictures of when I was little with one of my cousins. I think it makes it just that more real and normal for my bdad. He especially loves it when I refer to his mother as my grandmother. It is so great to feel loved, one aunt told me that not a day went by that she didn't think of me....and they all sent me bday emails...they all remembered the date.

Why haven't you met them yet? just curious....hopefully it won't be much longer for you...

although i will admit...the one who is important to me is Bdad...the rest of them are wonderful but they are just the icing on the cake!!

[JAAuk]

Do you still have the contact information for you birth mom? Or do you think you are really worried about losing contact with your brother because he's the only link between you and your mom?[/quote]

Hi - thanks for answering my message! I've still got the contact info for my birth mum and my other two brothers. I met my mum twice and we got on really well, but it's like an emotional minefield when you make contact. There are so many emotions and memories that you have to deal with and that are 'in your face' 24/7 that you have to be a very strong person emotionally to cope with it all without cracking up. Unfortunately both me and my birth mum are not very strong emotionally. Also, to complicate things further the brother that I've met and am still in contact with was diagnosed with leukaemia 2 days after we met.
I suppose I do see my brother as a link between me and my birth mum but I don't think that that's why I worry about losing touch with him. I've got really attached to him over the past couple of years as he's a lovely bloke ( and also very patient when I get insecure which is pretty amazing when I think that he's also got to cope with his illness). At the moment he's the only birth family I've got and to say that I don't want to lose contact with him is a massive understatement.

[whitsunday15]

It sounds to me that he most likely understands your situation and is willing to stick by you. He hasn't stopped communication with you after a few years. I'm sure too that you two can lean on eachother as he goes through his illness.

You must trust him. Listen to him. Honest and open communication is the key. And taking things slowly. Having the knowledge that you are not alone--that there are other adoptees out there and whom you can talk to here--that feel all these things is a great comfort in and of itself.
You'll be okay.

[Emily358]

Why haven't you met them yet? just curious....hopefully it won't be much longer for you...

That's a complicated question. I suppose the long and short of it is that bdad and I both have a hard time dealing with emotional situations and that I've behaved like a big chicken.

Also, unlike you, I was a big secret. Only 1 of his siblings knew about my existence for years. Only 1 sibling knows of the reunion. No one even knew he was involved with my bmom, let alone that a child was born and given up.

Then, there's the fact that he's not close to his siblings. He sees them once a year or so at Thanksgiving. That's it--even though they live 30 minutes from him.

I wish I had the guts to say something directly to him. Instead, I'm ashamed to say, I've either kept silent or made passive-agressive, very childish hints. Pathetic!

How was it decided who you would meet?

although i will admit...the one who is important to me is Bdad...the rest of them are wonderful but they are just the icing on the cake!!

I feel the same way. That's part of why I haven't pushed. I treasure my time alone with bdad, and I treasure our relationship enough that I don't want to risk it.

Do you see lots of similarities between you and your bdad? How about the other brelatives?