[Shanay235]

I am the birth mother of a beautiful daughter who just turned 18 years old in January. I need some advice on how, when, or if to proceed with contacting her. Can someone please share their thoughts/feelings on my situation???



I gave birth to her when I was 15. Shortly after the adoption, my family moved. Although the adoption was closed and private, a former neighbor, who helped arrange the adoption, has kept in contact with both my daughter’s family and mine. The neighbor has always been careful not to release too much information. I have been very fortunate to receive occasional updates, to know she is happy, healthy, loved, and had the type of life she deserved.



To make a long story short, a change of employment required us (now married, with two sons) to relocate. Unaware of this at the time, we moved to the same town where my daughter lives with her family. A few months before her 18th birthday, at a public event, I happen to see “this girl”. The feeling was indescribable, I knew at that moment it was my daughter. Since that time, through various sources, I have been able to confirm her identity.



From what I have been told, she knows that she is adopted. I am uncertain as to whether or not this has been done, but on occasions I have reminded our former neighbor that I am open for contact and requested that she relay this information to the parent’s. I am also unsure if the neighbor has informed her parent’s that I now live in the same city. Only my immediate family and her biological father are aware that I have located her.



She is a senior in high school. Prom and graduation will be here soon. This is a very important and exciting time in her life.



Even though I desperately want to meet and hopefully have a relationship with her, I do not want to risk disrupting her life. After finding her, my initial reaction was to post listings on adoption registries, ISSR, etc. and wait. After reading some adoptee stories, I’m beginning to question myself.



Now the questions……………………………….



Is she even curious about her origins?



What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?



At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?



Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?



How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?





The questions could go on and on. As adoptee’s, you know where I’m going and are the only ones who can provide any answers.

[Nicole28]

Let's see if I can help:

Is she even curious about her origins? If she knows she is adopted then I am sure she is curious.


What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family? If she knows she is adopted, I would say there is a pretty good chance that she would want to meet birth-family. She is the same age as I was when I decided to search - getting ready to go away to college, gaining freedom, etc.


At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion? I don't think ANYONE is ever "old enough" to deal with reunion! That being said, she is at an emotionally-charged time in her life, with prom, graduation, college, etc. However, as she gets older life only gets busier and more complex, right?


Is there ever a “right time” to make contact? I don't know - maybe an "expert" on pyschology or reunion has a better answer than I do, but my answer is no. I think it happens when it happens for a reason - perhaps that is naive, but there it is.

How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions? You cannot lump all a-parents into one category to answer this. Some are supportive. Some adoptees do not share their search with their a-family. Some adoptive parents disown their child after they reunite with birth-family. It all depends. However, I imagine that it is an emotional experience no matter what the details, right?

Perhaps you could register with the state adoption registry where you live and see if she has also registered. If she has, there's the big green light to get in contact with her. You could also write a letter to her sharing all of your anxieties and emotions - and don't send it right away. If you do decide to contact her a letter might be less jarring than a phone call or showing up on her front porch.

I wish good things for you AND your bio-daughter.

Nicole

[whitsunday15]

Hi! I'll try to help too.

Is she even curious about her origins? I concur with Nicole. If she knows--then absolutely.

What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family? At her age, I was all over the map emotionally. I do not think I could have gone through with reunion at that time. However, there has always been a part of me that has always wanted to.


Is there ever a “right time” to make contact? Well, I don't think there is ever a "right time", but there are wrong times. I would think really hard before contacting her right before college. You are fortunate to have a link that can report to you about her. You are going to have to trust that person's judgment on this question. Since you are unsure whether this link has even passed along your message, have you followed up and asked if this person has?

How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions? Depends on the parents. There are a lot of adoptive parents on this site that put their child's needs before their own and welcome the reunion. My parents would not have liked me to reunite when I was a teenager. Though, it's because my mother is jealous. Everyone is different. If your friend can find out how they feel about reunion, that would be the best since your daughter is only 18.

I think that right now, you should proceed with extreme caution. I agree with Nicole that you should write her a letter, but don't send it. Stay in close contact with your friend and get periodic updates that will help you decide. Ultimately, you'll "know" when the time is right.

I hope this helps in some way. If you have other questions that we aren't touching on, ask them. We'll give you feedback.

[Baby Melissa]

Hi-
I'm a 29 year old adoptee who reunited with my birth family in December 2005 (on the phone) and in person for the first time in Feb 2006. Here are my thoughts:
Is she even curious about her origins?
very. If she was like me. I ALWAYS knew I was adopted, and would ask random people if they knew my birth mom & dad. From the sounds of it, I grew up in a similar situation to your daughter- wonderful, loving environment. That has nothing to do with whether or not your daughter will want to search for you or not. Finding biological relatives is every child's birthright and was a constant curiosity for me. Everytime I was near the area where I was born, i would "search the faces". This was a little creepy considering it was NYC, and I must have looked like a psycho, but I wanted to make eye contact to see if I could find someone who resembled me. So my short answer is YES.

What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?
Very good. When you are raised in an environment where no one around you can "mirror" you- either physically or emotionally, you feel a little out of sorts. Here's my example. One year at Xmas, it was my a-mom, aunt and cousin (female who's 5 years younger than me) and I. The three of them were in their own little world, almost telepathically speaking to each other. I didn't GET IT!!! Why are they all so giddy and laughing at each other when I'm just sitting back not understanding their body language or behavior? It wasn't until I met my own biological siblings and family members that I GOT IT! It is much easier to decipher the non-verbal communication and body language of those who are biologically similar to us than not. This doesn't make me sad that I don't have this connection with my a-mom, it just makes me understand things a little better. If your daughter is curious about finding other people who look physically liker her (that was my first motivation) then yes.


At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?
Personally, speaking from my own experience, knowing that everyone is different... NO!!!!!!!! NO NO NO! Sorry- I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic. At 18, I was preparing to go away to college, dealing with separation problems with my parents while moving away, nervous about starting my new life in college (would I fit in?, would I be smart enough?), that there's no way I could have dealt with all the emotions that come during a reunion. And let me re-iterate that my reunion with my b-family has been FANTASTIC. Better than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams (I'm going down today after work for my 3rd visit- wish me luck!). I love all of them and they (6 siblings!!) all love me very much. So whether the reunion is good or bad, it will force your daughter to look at life differently. She will be amazed at her new life and so will you. Do I think you should stop keeping tabs on her, or updating her files in whatever way possible? NO. When she's a little older (21?) she will appreciate knowing that you have loved and cared for her all these years. I know I did.

Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
I think so. For me, from age 21 on was when I really started to gather information. It's scary all around, but if you care enough about it, it will be worth the risk


How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
Like Nicole & Whitsunday said, everyone's reaction is different. My parents didn't want me to search until I was married in case the reunion didn't go the way I had wanted it. My a-mom asked that I wait until after I was married so she wouldn't have to "share me" with another mom at my wedding. If a-parents are mature, and want what's best for their daughter,then they will put their fears and insecurities aside for your daughter's sake.

Reunion is a very scary thing, and no two are alike, but I think it's necessary for all parties to heal. I wish you all the luck in the world. Whatever is supposed to happen, will. Take care, my friend.

[cherilynn68]

Is she even curious about her origins? I am certain she is. I, too, always knew I was adopted. That my parents got to pick me. My parents were, and still are, supportive of any effort towards locating my birth mom and sisters.


What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family? Again, I'm sure she'd love to meet you and your family - her extended family


At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion? This, I can't say. It depends on if she's one of the rare mature 18yr olds. I think I'd wait a few years (easy for me to say, eh?)


Is there ever a “right time” to make contact? I think so. It would be more disruptive, my opinion, now. Like the other girls said. the whirl of prom, graduation, saying good bye to friends and family while entering the world of college...


How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions? I can only speak for mine.... They would want to be with me to meet Dorothy. I would want them with me. They are open to it, should it ever happen.


I'm happy you know who she is and can observe her. You're a lucky mom!!

[Emily358]

Is she even curious about her origins?

If she is like me at that age, she goes through phases. At times, I was very curious. At other times, I almost forgot I was adopted.

What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?

Again, in my case at thought I might want to do it someday, but not at 18. That’s the age when you’re ready to be free from being anyone’s child and go away to college—not to take on extra parents and the tons of emotional baggage which come with reunion.

I think if she wanted to meet you right now, she’d be registered on ISSR or another website, or, if her parents are an issue, she might do it when she goes away to college in the fall if she’s ready then. I have friends who wanted a reunion at that age, and they took steps to make it happen.

At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?

Let me answer it this way:

My biological mother found me when I was 18. I was not ready for her, but I tried to accommodate her through phone and mail. She wanted much more than I wanted out of the relationship and I felt overwhelmed and pressured, so I cut her off. We have never had a consistent relationship. I have met her only once. I have not spoken to her for years.

My biological father made his name, address, and phone number available to me at that same time, but conveyed the message that I was still a child, I had no say in what happened when I was born, and therefore it was my decision if and when to reunite, not his. We met after I contacted him when I was in my early 30’s, and we are very close and spend time together frequently after 4 years in reunion.

His willingness to delay gratification paid off, if you will. I’m sure it was hard for him. He told me that at one point, when I was well into adulthood, he consciously gave up on ever meeting me.

Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
I don’t think there’s a perfect time, but I think your daughter deserves to be an adult, done with her schooling and established in her career, with some life experience behind her. Otherwise, she won’t have that sense that “the world is grey, not black and white” to help her navigate the complexities of reunion. Even as close as my bdad and I are, it still is difficult and complicated sometimes, and I am very glad to be an adult while I’m dealing with it.

How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?

I don’t think this one’s generalizable. My parents were very angry when my bmom called me. She had an intermediary contact them first, and they asked specifically for her to wait until I was home from college for the summer. She refused. I was mad at them, too, because they never warned me, and I was blindsided.

Now, they actually get on me sometimes about not giving her the relationship she wants. As for my bdad, they see him as less worthy somehow, which is due to societal brainwashing from the time period in which I was born, I’m sure. They accept my relationship with him. My mom talks about him when we’re alone sometimes. My dad—never.

I have friends who are adopted with many different parental reactions, from helping them search, insisting that they search, discouraging a reunion, allowing but not embracing a reunion, to forbidding a reunion.

Whatever you do, don't do what my bmom did and "demonize" her parents when you speak to her. Of course, I'm guessing by your post that you're way too perceptive for that!

Some suggestions so you don't go out of your mind waiting:

If an attorney handled your private adoption, see if he will keep a letter from you in a dated file. That way, your daughter won't doubt that you wanted to find her. I knew my bdad wanted to know me because his friends told me that he talked about me.

Then buy a gorgeous journal or scrapbook, and channel your energy into writing and putting things into it for her whenever you feel the urge to contact her prematurely.

Register on ISSR and any other forum you can find. Then wait. Keep track of her, and when she’s done with school, established in her career, and has lived on her own and worked long enough to establish a support network outside of her immediate family, go for it!

I think my bdad would tell you it’s worth the wait.

[rilo kiley]

Shanay-
What an incredible story. That's kind of the dream I had as a young girl- that my bmother would be out there watching me- feeling proud of me. However, I agree with the others on delaying contact. I am a 28 year old adoptee who recently located my birth mother, we have sent a few letters and are now emailing- we're taking it slowly for the moment. I always knew I was adopted, always thought I'd like to find my bmother someday, and yet, if she had found me at 18 it would have been a lot to negotiate.

My own independence and identity I was continuing to form far from home away at college, my relationship with my aparents who were sad to see me go so far away and afraid of losing me to distance and new people, the partial homesickness of being so far away- and yet the excitement of creating a brand new life without anyone you meet knowing you or your family- if I had to balance all those things and the slew of new ones I'm just now discovering after making contact with my bmother- I would imagine something would have to suffer. I'm surprised by the reactions of my aparents, I think they had always had a huge fear I would be taken away from them, and made it pretty clear they were fearful of my search ever beginning. So I waited to begin the search until I felt was ready for any outcome. Secure in my relationship with my family, more stable in my life- and even now, it's threatening to my aparents. Even now they've said some hurtful things about my bmother that would've crushed me 10 years ago. Leveled me. But now I that I have gone through those late teen/early20's years with my parents where you pull away and define yourself and reconcile, I have a little more perspective, more security in my identity to deconstruct it all over again with all the new information I'm receiving.

Of course, I wanted nothing more at 18 than to meet my birthmother and have her see me close to the age she was when she had me. I was full of fantasy and hope and dreams of her looking into a mirror of herself at that age- I would've loved to know then that she thought about me- so who can say, I guess? Maybe meeting her 10 years ago would have shaped my life and identity in such a wonderful way, who can say? I do think waiting until she has established her own sense of self outside of her teen years could be very helpful for you both in building a relationship ahead. The other thing that was good about her not finding me- I had time to think about her- about adoption- outside of my aparents home where I always felt concerned they know how much I love them, if we talked about my adoption I'd see their eyes get wider and their need increase for my love and loyalty- so time away from home before contacting my bmother helped me to work through some feelings I couldn't nuture in my own home for fear of hurting my family.

I think Emily has a wonderful idea about scrapbooking or journaling- what a wonderful gift to give her. Right now I'm finding I have a million questions I want to bombard my bmother with, and if she had been creating a wealth of those feelings she had- journals, photos of her when she had me, journals from that time in her life, thoughts on birthdays of mine that went by- I would be so grateful. What a wonderful gift to give your child, your personal thoughts, photos, love, all created for her to puruse in her own time, in her own space, a keepsake she won't have to play 100 questions with you for, I am all for it. I wish I had something like that hold onto right now. Something tangible that someone took time and energy to put thought and love and honesty into.

On contacting her, I have also heard from other adoptee's that being "found" by a bparent is a very strange feeling- the not having a choice again- no choice in adoption and no choice in reunion. For some adoptee's being able to make the choice on their own and have control over the "finding" part is very important.

Best luck to you- what a beautiful and difficult situation you are in right now. My thoughts are with you.

[Montraviatommyg]

Shanay,

I'm a first mother and am posting to wish you all the best. My son's (he's 24) adoption was closed and he started when he was 18 but I found him in Aug 1004 despite not searching ... I had my reasons. My son's attitude has been similar to those already given so bear this in mind. I can empathise with how you are feeling right now even though I didn't actively search.

Pip

[Emily358]

Rilo,

Thanks for your kind words about the journal.

Just so you know, I would also love to have something like that, but my bmom and I are incommunicado, and my bdad, well, he's a guy, so that will never happen! So I share your dream of having a scrapbook, and in the meantime I keep my own journal.

You described the state of affairs so well by calling it, "100 questions." What questions are you afraid to ask? Do you find, like I do, that your bparent has to be in the right mood to answer queries about the past?

You are correct about the strange feeling of being found, especially at such a young age, and about the need for control. My bdad understood this. I know because of his actions at the time and because he has since told me that he felt that since I had no say in the adoption, I should at least have control over meeting him.

The whole reunion thing is complicated, but I think you're right about the security that comes with age and experience being very important.

I do wonder, like you do, though, how would my life have been different if I had met my bdad at 18? How do you think yours would have been different if you had met bmom earlier?

[rilo kiley]

Emily-

I really felt compelled to respond to the original questions because of your post. I wonder if that could've been my story- being "found" at 18, having tension between your parents and your new bmom, not being able to negotiate the relationship for many reasons- having no preparation-"blindsided" being only one of them. My aparents would have freaked out had anyone tried to contact me at that age. I can't imagine the pain of your bmom "demonizing" you parents to you. A tragic situation for everyone. I'm happy that you have a relationship with your bdad- that you had the courage to seek him out even after all that went down with your bmom.

I've only just begun this reunion thing. I just found this website last night and stayed up all night reading- trying to figure out if I'm doing this the "right" way, trying to begin a relationship that can last and grow and not explode and leave all of us feeling lonelier and more confused than when we began.

I had so many fantasies at 18. I was developing so quickly into the woman I wanted to be- inhabiting my dreams. I think I would have been so incredibly receptive to anything my bmom said, or needed from me, or wanted, or had dreamed for me to be, that I would have certainly incorporated her identity and needs into my own. So, I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. I imagine it would depend on the person. The little that I've heard about her life so far- the last 10 years have been huge transitions for her as well, so it was probably for the best that we had no contact until now. Maybe we are both a little more stable and able to be sensitive to eachother now. She wants to call and hop on a plane and find me, I asked if we could wait. I'm still adjusting.

I want to ask her about the story of my birth. Of her life then. What was happening in her town, her church, her school. Who my bfather is- who they were to eachother- what happened- who in her family supported her at that time- who didn't- what her fears were- her hopes- what she looked like- who she wanted to become- when she got married and started her family- she has 3 other children, and finally I want to know something about her strengths and weaknesses- maybe they could guide me, maybe we have similarities, I have always looked to older women for guidance- and I have always looked to help support younger women when I witness something I relate to all too well, you know?

What about you? What questions are you still looking for answers to? Do you think you would have become a different woman had you met your bfather sooner?

I'm sorry to hear about your aparents reaction to all of it. It sounds very similar to my own. How have you reconciled that? I want to share it with them. They are my family. Why is it something to hide, or ignore? Isn't adoption what brought us to our families? Not what is taking us away from them?

It's nice to know you'd like a scrapbook as well. I've been dreaming it up since I was 14. I think if I ever become a mother I will make one for my own child- the one I always wanted.

[Emily358]

Rilo,

Thanks for saying that about my having the courage to contact bdad (granted, it took me over a decade!) after all that happened with bmom. It really was a frightening move for me, and it took cajoling from friends for me to do it.

I think you hit it right on the head when you talked about growing a lasting relationship. That's what bdad and I have both tried to do. Some of it involves keeping a slow, manageable pace even when emotions make you want to speed things up. I think you were smart to ask bmom to wait before flying out to see you. If you do it when you're ready, it will be wonderful to meet her, I'm sure.

I can relate to what you said about your bmom being in transition and being more ready to deal with reunion now, as well as you being ready.

That's definitely how I feel about my bdad. In fact, awhile ago at a party, one of his friends said I was smart to wait because of what he was like when he was younger!

Yet, I think he could have helped in some ways--if the immaturity of both of us hadn't ruined things. He has even said that he wished he could contact me once during childhood to give me a few pointers about the way my mind worked in case it was like his.

I definitely have more self-confidence since meeting him, and I've stopped constantly trying to make myself into someone I'm not. People who don't even know about my reunion started remarking around that time that I was a "whole new Emily" in a positive way.

So I think he could have helped by understanding how my brain worked and giving me tips and self-confidence.

Awhile back, I had an awful day at work, and he understood immediately what had happened and why, whereas others would have said, "You said WHAT to WHO?" and acted like I was a moron.

What similarities do you see so far between you and bmom at this early stage? How about differences?

What have you tried as far as talking to your parents? I haven't had much luck, that's for sure!

[alinev]

Thoughts....

I am an adoptive mom, of bio brothers. Although our adoption is not open, I have been speaking with their mom, whom I like great deal, since my eldest son's birth. In the next few days, my husband and I will see her again for the birth of our second son. Before beginning the adoption process, I was very prepared that with a US adoption and a more open adoption environment, that there would be a fair likllihood that some contact between my children and their birth family would take place down the line. I am fine with it and will provide my children any support and assistance they may want or need once they have decided to search. However, at this point looking forward, if I had the choice, I would prefer that my children not be contacted out of the blue. We have been told that there are websites where information can be entered to pursue a match. I think this method provides a means of safety for both my children and their bmom.

I know that this adoption site is visited by people involved with the process, including me, but the personal inquiries I have made about adopted men indicate a generally limited interest in reunion. Significantly lower then for women (note: I don't mean to offend anyone, this info is based solely on my info gathering among family and friend involved with adoption) For this reason in particular, I am concerned about my sons being contacted if they are either not ready or simply disinterested. As with all moms bmom's, bio or adoptive, my job is to put my children first and if they need to meet their bmom I will do everything in my power to make it happen, but I would prefer it be their choice.

[Umbilical child]

Is she even curious about her origins?
Absolutely...if not now then later on......
What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?
I think it at times in her life it may feel more than a want, rather a need....

At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?
I was 23 and should have waited...though I should qualify that I had no help and went it alone...

Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
I should imagine maturity would help......

How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
Perhaps a little threatened.....that's one you will have to work out....

[SweetnStuff]

Of course everyone is different, so I can't answer for her. But here is how I felt.

Is she even curious about her origins?

YES! I was so curious even though I never really expressed it. I thought about my origins a lot.

What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?

I always knew I wanted to meet mine. The question in my mind was always 'when,' not 'if.'

At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?

I'm not even 18 and I feel that I am handling things just fine. My adoptive parents aren't doing as well and they are in their 50s. So is age even an indicator?

Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?

I doubt that the rightness in time will change much, if at all.

How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?

Mine have a lot of insecurities. That is the hardest part.

[purplewyo1]

Shanay,
Good advice here for you. I concur, and like Rilo, I too lived thinking that maybe "they" were secretly watching. As an adult adoptee, I would have to say that each situation is certainly different, and no one can tell you how you feel or how your daughter feels. I've just seriously begun searching at 40, and I would probably not have been able to handle a reunion w/ my bfamily at 17 simply because my own self-esteem was a huge mess at the time. I was still trying to figure out who I was; now I feel peace with my search, and no matter what I find I know I won't feel insecure about any of it because I'm ok with who I am to begin with. That said, I cannot speak for your daughter, but it seems to me you are on the right track with your concerns & questions. When I find my bfamily I plan to go slow and not rush too fast to make f2f contact. There are just so many emotions and feelings that can possibly occur on all sides, and that can change moment to moment. Good luck and best wishes for your successful reunion.
Leslie