[hnnybnny]

Is she even curious about her origins?

As an adoptee...I would have loved to have known that my bmom wanted to find me and tell me from where i came from. I hated not being able to tell people of what ethnic background i was.


What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?

I can only speak for myself but when I met my first BLOOD Relative (besides my son) it was HUGE...I have met some others this past yeat and it is wonderful. I think as long as you do it with an open heart and work out a pace that feels comfortable for both of you it will work out.


At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion? I waited a long time out of respect for my adoptive parents...but I always wanted my bmom to look for me (she didn't)



Is there ever a “right time” to make contact? I would wait until after graduation and prom...this is a huge time for her. summer might be good cause in a lot of cases for kids that age there aren't tooo many distractions.


How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions? My adoptive parents don't know..yikes I'm 43 and still intimidated

Good luck with everything and keep us posted

[hello&goodbye]

wait until after graduation, and then drop you a notethe ball will be in her court so to speak, but it couldn't hurt. She may not be ready, so please prepare yourself for any and all outcomes.

I wish you luck on your journey.

[Outfishn]

Is she even curious about her origins?
I would say there is 100% chance she is curious. I was.


What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?
I was curious and fantasized about who my bparents were, however I never felt the urge to seek either bparent out. I did not want to hurt my aparents, I felt it would crush my amom in particular. That I wasn't ready to deal with. My feelings were to protect my afamily and that is what I chose to take to the grave.


At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?
I couldn't deal with my amom being crushed by a reunion. That was the only thing.


Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?

My bmom waited until I was 25. Her reasoning was, she thought that would give me ample time to go through the steps of being a kid and my aparents to be parents.


A mediator called me one day out of the blue. I was States away from my birthplace and anywhere I had ever lived. The message the gal left for me was,
"----, I'm ---- from ----", I knew instantly. I was stoked (that means awesome). As thrilled as I was now I had to tell my folks. Months later I did and as I suspected it crushed my amom. A lot of healing time, A lot. I've had the families face to face at a couple major holidays and left the room because I thought my heart was going to explode. The first thing my adad said to my bmom was, "Wasn't finding ---- illegal?" You know what though? They talked forever and ever while I chilled in the next room. Things have been different ever since, honestly though, for the better for everybody.



How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
I'm guessing most expect it. Everybody involved bparents, aparents and adoptees sense it, I think it's natural.

I think small steps are good steps, there are many feelings involved with fragile bonds.

[Outfishn]

Originally Posted by Emily358

Then buy a gorgeous journal or scrapbook, and channel your energy into writing and putting things into it for her whenever you feel the urge to contact her prematurely.

That is exactly what my bmom did. She made it very interesting too. Pictures of lineage, poems, mom stuff you know.

She is an adult and she has already been weaned (sp?). My bmom lived with me for a month (long, fun reunion) but I drew the line when she tried to clean my room. LOL.

[katlyn]

I am a bmom and I wanted to find my daughter when she turned 18, but I was afraid that it would be too soon. Not to mention, I was hoping she'd look for me. I was afraid of disrupting her life. I could not wait any longer, so I decided this was the year, she is now 20. I found her within just a couple of weeks amazingly enough. I did as many of you said and sent her a letter. I didn't want to cause the deer in the headlights effect by calling her. I am so glad there are posts like these to give bmoms and bdads insight into how adoptees feel about the whole process. Thank you all so much!

[randloar]

That must have been amazing to see this young lady and be able to recognize her in a crowd! Funny thing, is as an adoptee, I happen to be one of those people that are always being told I look like someone, and everytime I have been told the thought "well, I could be genetically related to who they are talking about" goes through my head..........

My adoption was closed, and I met my bmom and her son, as well as my bdads family when I was 18-19. So, my answer to some of your questions are below (of course they are how I felt at that age, and I have no idea how she feels!):

Is she even curious about her origins?
Definately! As noted above, it adoption lends itself to a sort of curiosity and intrigue as to where we came from and what our bio families look like, etc.

What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?
I am one of four adopted kids (all same situation, and domestic), and three out of four of us wanted to make contact, but I was the only one that accomplished it. And of my friends that were adopted, they wanted contact as well. SO, mostly I would say some form of contact is likely desired, the question is how much.

At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?
I am noticing that it seems that the majority have said she is too young, but, I don't feel that I was too young to meet mine, although I have a great relationship with my parents and it would have made a bigger difference at that age if they were uncomfortable with it all. I too am very protective of my parents feelings on this and have always tried to maintain that clarity in this (they come first, can't help it).

One thing I can say is that my bmom let me have control of the relationship from the beginning. This allowed for things to go at my pace and within my comfort zone (which was pretty slow for awhile). We didnt' meet until I was ready for it (about 6-8 months after we were in contact). So, keep in mind that as much as she may want to communicate with you, the loyalty issue to her parents weighs heavily and she may need to move slowly.

Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
Unless you are in contact with her adoptive parents and have a sense of where she is in life it seems that it would be hard to know when the right time is based on age alone.

How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
My parents were scared (my dad thought I would be swept away by the idea of meeting my "real" mom and I would abandon them), but were still supportive despite their fears. Once they met my bmom, my dads fears were washed away as he realized that she just wanted to know me and be some part of my life and wasn't trying to replace them as parent.

Good luck on your journey and I hope that you two can be reunited someday in a way that is right for both of you.

[baby girl watts]

hi your story kind of sounds like mine. like your daughter i also had a closed adoption that was arranged my by my b-moms neighbor. she was also my foster parent until after the home study. we didnt stay in touch with her though. but like your daughter i am also turning 18. i have been very int. in finding my b-family. i cant say where your daughter is in life, and how she feels about her adoption. But i think that she wonders about you sometimes. I know i think about my b-mom alot around my b-day and i only wish she was as close to me as you are to her. and that she thinks of me the way you think of her.
i wish you the best of luck with journey to come, follow your heart.
goog luck katie

[summagrl8689]

HI, I'm hoping that you get this even though it was posted a long time ago (I'm new to the site). I turned 20 in March and have been thinking about locating my birth parents. It's a really sticky situation for everyone involved (b parents and bchild). I know when I turned 18, the appeal was great to find out who my bparents are, but it is such a hugggeeee emotional issue that i couldn't handle doing it with graduation, prom and college all in the future. i can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to know your daughter is right in your own town, but be apprehensive about what to do. Coming from a young adults perspective, it would be great to contact her right after graduation. That way all the big issues involving her senior year are done, and she can have the summer to respond (you are very fortunate to live in the same town). I guess the kind of sticky situation in my opinion is how to go about contacting her. Although it might be a pain to do, the old fashioned search way might be better. I dont know how i would feel if my birth mother lived in my same town and did not contact me. Part of me thinks i would be quite hurt to know she waited. Plus, do her aparents know that you know about her? you might put the mutual friends friendship at jeopardy if you let her aparents know that he kept you updated on your daughter. However you approach meeting her, I'm sure she will be quite excited. I'm so happy for you to have found your daughter and i hope the reunion goes great!
Kristen

[susiesgirl]

i am not life the other posters here. At 18 i would have LOVED being contacted by my birthmother. That is the time that you are really starting your life. I missed out on EVERYTHING. I would have liked my momma to have been there when i got married, and had kids. She missed out on so much.
I love the idea about the scrapbook.

[GE_Glows]

Is she even curious about her origins?
I think most people have a bit of a curiosity to know things about themselves that they don't know – for example – do you ever wonder what your doctor is writing in your medical file when you go in for a checkup? How much more would a person be curious when that same file has no comments in it like “Genetic predisposition to xxxx disease” because it’s replaced with “No genetic information available.”

What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?
I am certain there are as many answers tot his one as there are adoptees. You are unlikely to hear form the ones who don’t on this forum – they would have little or no reason to be here. However – rest assured there are some who – for whatever reason – do not. One of my dearest friends is also and adoptee – 38 years old and has never had an urge or desire to meet her bfamily. While she was carrying each of her 2 sons – she had some curiosity to know medical information – but no desire to meet them. Once she had the boys – the desire went away. In contrast – I have ALWAYS wanted to meet my bfamily and went to great lengths to do so.

At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion? Probably not – teenagers are so all over the pace in their emotions –I was 19 when I found my bmom and I was in NO WAY prepared for the emotions that came with it. And I had initiated the contact…

Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
Absolutely there is a right time – a good friend of mine on these boards reminds me with great regularity that “God’s Time” is always right – and it may or may not match up with what we want to be the right time.

How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
Again – I think every aparents would have a different answer. However – I think as long as you remember they are her parents – they raised her, kissed the booboos away, sat up with fevers, etc… they are in every way her parents – and you don’t come across in any way as threatening to them and that role – you will have a better opportunity to have a good experience. Think for a moment about your own boys and how you love them – and the 1000s of memories you have with them as they grow. Your daughters aparents have the same situation with your daughter and their love is no less for her than your own for your sons.

All of that being said – I would register with all the appropriate on-line boards and anything that may be available in your state and the state where she was born. With the internet as it is these days – if she is currently curious and wanting to meet you – she will find you there. Other that that – unless you hear from the family that she wants it – I would wait. Just my opinion.

GE

[dpen6]

Wow..this really is a sticky situation. The reason I say that is......you laready have found her and have actually seen her. Its not like you are asking general questions for someone you have not found. I think that changes the whole thing. Personaaly, I am not sure I would feel comfortable knowing someone was "watching" me that had such a huge place in my life. I know you are not "watching" as in spying, I know it was accidental but still....

You have gotten alot of honest answers and in terms of myself yes, I was very curious, no 18 would have been to young..out of the blue...

But we are all different...and you have seen her!!

I am sorry if I have confused you even more...does any other adoptee get what I am saying..doesn't it seem strange thatbirthmother may have know me and seen me when I had no idea?.Kinda bothers me.....

Thats why I am wondering if a thoughtful letter might be approriate? Just to keep things in the open?

My thought processes may be all wrong here...any ideas?

[Azura]

My turn, which could repeat what others have said:

Is she even curious about her origins?
I definately was. It was hard doing those family heritages. I found out later that Lynda was Puerto Rican and British. After finding out how to contact Richard, I discovered that he was Irish, German, and Scottish


What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?
Like everyone says, if she knows she's adopted, she's probly curious. But I have heard stories about adoptees that have no intention of meeting their biological families. Mom used my adoption as a nighttime story. I'm having problems meeting my birthmother, but hopefully you'll have better luck.



At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?
I believe so, she's legally and emotionally an adult. But approach the idea cautiously. Don't rush into a meeting, I know it'll be hard bc she's so close, but that could ruin everything if you push for a reunion immediately


Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
Mom promised Lynda that we would search for her when I graduated high school. She contacted us when I was 19 and we went from emailing each other through Mom and Dad, to emailing each other personally, to talking on messenger, using webcams, to phone calls. This has progressed over 2 years. We are ready for a reunion, but we're having problems.



How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
They are all different. Mine are fine with it. In fact, I'd prefer if Mom was there with me when I met Lynda. My mom even sent Lynda a small photo album with various pictures of me growing up. On the other hand, I've heard stories where the afamilies will move when the bparents contacts them. Like I said, approach this idea cautiously. Good luck!

[jenn_e_ritter]

Now the questions……………………………….



Is she even curious about her origins?
Heritage means everything to me. It makes a person who they are today. All my life, I have grown up not knowing my ethnic background. And at times, it could be very hurtful. Like being in a waiting room trying to fill out forms was always the worst for me. One time I broke out into tears and thought "Why can't I give them their answers?!"


What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?

The chances are very high. She will always wonder what her birth parents are like. She will have unconditional love that can never be replaced and she always thinks about you. You are the first person she bonded with in the first 9 months. You both will always share something special.



At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?

At 18, I was not able to deal with the emotional aspect of it. It was something that was on my mind every once in a while. But I was side tracked by wanting to go to college. I waited when I knew I couldn't bare of not knowing anymore. I had to know something. That is when I started my searching which was 4-5 months ago.

Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?

She will know when the right time is. When that time comes, it wll hit her like a bomb has gone off. The yearn to search for the bparents will be so overpowering that it is all she thinks about and the one thing she wants to accomplish. That is when she will be for the roller coaster ride of her life.

How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?.

My adoptive parents had mixed feelings about it. I do as well. They will be supportive but realize that they do not want to loose their child. I am an only chld so it was really hard for them. It came to the point where this issue could not be discussed. I think it depends on the family. Every family is different and they interpret it different.

I wish you the very best

[L@@king2]

bumping up this thread... as I would like to hear from MORE adoptees!!

[txrnr]

Is she even curious about her origins? I can't imagine an adoptee not being curious. When I was little, my bparents were always famous. As I got older, I realize that was most likely not the case. Now that I'm 39, I imagine they're just normal folks, and that's just fine.



What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family? That's hard. Most of the adoptees here want to meet their birth family. At this time, I'd say I'm not looking for a reunion. I came here after deciding to apply for my non-identifying information and was looking for information about what I may find out. I have nothing but respect for my birthmother, and can't even begin to express my appreciation to her. If she found me, I certainly wouldn't shut the door. Like many birthmothers, I have no desire to interupt her life, or bring up memories that she may not be prepared to deal with. (I know that may be an unpopular view here)



At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?
I wouldn't have been ready, or receptive at 18, but that's just me. I was too wrapped up in me. My advice is wait until after graduation at least. If she's not ready to meet you, and you contact her now, it may put a dark cloud over her senior year, and right now, that's most likely the only thing she's thinking about. Nothing says you can't go to her graduation and include that in your scrap book!


Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
I've always heard there's never a "right" time to have children, you just have to do it. I imagine this is the same. If you way for the perfect time, it may never come. Of course, some times may be better than others.



How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
I have no idea. My parents have always encouraged me to seek out any information I may want. They've always initiated the conversation, so I think they'd be fine. I'm sure they'd have some reservations, but they've always put me first.