[susiesgirl]

My birthsister and i are very jealous of each other. She wishes that she had all that i had Trips to Disney world, bush gardens and sea world every year.. a new car at age 14, new clothes anything that i needed or wanted they provideed for me...my sis had our mom and i am jealous of that. our mom is trying to push us into a relationship and that just isnt working out. There is too much hate and envy there. anytime that we are in the same room the temp drops... any info from anybody would be a help.

[aisha101]

You both need to move past those feelings. You both really need to understand that it is not either of your faults how you grew up. It can't be changed!

I have 6 birth sisters and I was the only one adopteed. When I met one of them and she was looking at my baby pictures she kept making comments like oh....look at your dress, shoes, house etc....must of been nice growing up as an only child and spoiled. I turned it around and said well it must of been nice growing up with all those sisters, never a dull moment and never feeling lonely.

But, I do not hold their mothers actions against them.

Time to grow up and move forward. Adults need to do that or they will always carry unresolved issues with them. No time for that.

I would sit down with her and ask her to be honest and hash out all the feelings so that you two can start a new relationship.

She also may feel insecure that your now coming into the picture and mommy loves one more then the other.. THose issues need to be talked about between her and her mother and perhaps you can suggest to the bmom to have a talk with DD.

[susiesgirl]

your right.. I do need to sit down with her and discuss this like 2 adults should BUT she is not coopertive. She has our mom wrapped around her finger right now cuz she has a new baby and is using him to gain advantige. This really sucks.
i honestly dont know if i can deal with her in my life at the moment or what...
my therapist says to have nothing to do with her cuz all it does is cause problems..
my thinking is life a kids i know... that is where i feel stuck... i went thru the *baby* stage and have moved to the kid stage and it is hard to move on to the adult stage.. i just dont know how to do it.

[ripples]

Hi Susiesgirl,
I can relate to a lot of what you posted. My birth sister said about 10 times on the day we met, "you've had the best life of all of us", "you've had the best luck", blah, blah, blah, even 'tho I didn't brag about my life. She's extremely jealous and in your face - even one time when she found out that our birth brother and I'd been phoning one another, she screamed at me over the phone (our second phone call ever between her and me), "WHY didn't you call ME?" I tried to explain in my half-baked Chinese that I just call him back whenever he calls me and we chat. And to make things worse, my adoptive father keeps trying to push her and me together since he feels so sorry for her.

Perhaps it's a matter of how much you want a relationship with your birth sister and vice versa. 'When there's a will, there's a way' I guess. Perhaps you can at least write your b-sister an honest but sensitive letter? If she just flames out at you in return, then you can decide whether or not to pursue things at this time.

In the meantime, I just wanted to letcha know that I relate to your situation.

[susiesgirl]

thanx ripples. its good to know that someone else has the same feelings.
I never bragged to her at all and yet she jsut couldnt STAND the thought of my life as it was. sigh... it is hard to get over and i dont know if i ever will i will try but that isnt much i guess...

[maxkinzie]

Hi
Hope you dont' mind my jumping in here, I am the adoptive mom to a 16 month old girl. DD has a half-sister who is 8 yrs older and lives with BirthMom(as far as I know the 8 yr old doesnt' know about DD). Someday in the next few years we are planning to open the adoption, we figure DD's sister will find out then, if not earlier... This exact potential jealosy scenario is something I wish I knew how to try to avoid, DH adn I have actually talked about it some. We still don't have a clue what to do, but after reading these posts I know we're at least on the right track as to the issues.

thankx
max

[lizardco]

That really sucks...did your birthmom suggest you and your sister to seek therapy together to help mediate and put you both on a healthy track moving forward? That would be the compassionate thing for your birthmom to encourage!

[ripples]

Susiegirl,
I'd also add that I recommend doing things at a pace that you feel comfortable with. As they say, 'post-reunion relationships' need to go at the pace of the 'slowest' in it.

When my adoptive father tried to lay a guilt trip on me by saying, "your birth sister has as much claim to you as your current (adoptive) sisters, so you should be there for her so that you might be able to influence her life in a positive way", I told him in no uncertain terms to just BACK-OFF! I said that it was up to me to determine what sort of relationship I wish to pursue with my new-found birth sister, and at what pace, not him. If he felt so sorry for her, then he's welcome to proceed and form a direct relationship with her. However, he should just friggin' BACK-OFF in trying to force anything on me at this moment. While I understand that he meant well, I was soooo pissed off at him.

Later, when my birth sister called him, he told her about the emotional traumas that I've been having post-reunion. Again, I know he meant well and he's keen to hurry things up so that all can be 'fixed', but again, I told him to respect my privacy. Sharing my sensitive personal stuff with her was none of his business. I felt like telling him, if you're so keen to share personal stuff with her, then why don't you tell her about your marital problems?

I can appreciate the feelings of jealousy and envy on my birth-sister's part as she truly did have a very, very tough life growing up in an orphanage on her own (our birth-parents ended up having to relinquish all my birth siblings since they were so poor). However, I recognize that both my birth sister and I need time and that approaching building a new relationship will take time, sensitivity and care on both sides in bridging the huge emotional, cultural, linguistic, geographical and socio-economic gap.