[lilly123]

I am wondering, and I have had some feedback already, but I am really interested in getting some more imput from some adoptees. I am a birth mother of an almost 12 year old girl. It has been an open adoption all these years, which I loved!!! Just like the children I am raising with my husband, I love this little girl with all of my heart, and think about her every waking minute of every day!! Her amom passed away in September of 2004, and the adad is not carrying on our open adoption agreement. She has known for a while that she is adopted, and knows me simply as "Lilly". Now, adoptees, because I want to take her feelings into consideration before mine, would you want to be contacted by me as your bmom, knowing what all you have been through in the past year and a half. Think of yourself coming into womanhood without the only mother you have ever known!! Thank you!!!

Lots of love and prayers
xoxoxoxoxo

[rose524]

I'm probably missing something here...if you are in an open adoption, doesn't she already know you are her birthmother? Or does she just think you are a friend? And if it has been open all these years then how come she has only known that she is adopted for a while, rather than all along?

If she in fact does not know who you are, then finding out that her friend Lilly is actually her birthmother will probably come as a big shock to her. No point in debating why she was not told the truth all along, because what's done is done.

I'm not quite sure what advice, if any, I have for you. Just tread lightly. This will be alot for a 12 year old to handle. We don't know her in real life - only you do, so you probably know best what she is capable of. Honesty is obviously the best policy, but be prepared for feelings of distrust and betrayal. And make sure her adoptive dad is on board with whatever you do.

Good luck.

[healingfeeling]

Lily,


I would absolutely want to know that you were my mother....all of us here on this board used to wonder for so many years and that would ease the wondering for her...and give her a mother figure.

I have been following your story and I really hope that her dad responds to you. This is her life and if you can be there for her I think that's wonderful!!!!

good luck

[lilly123]

Hi Rose, and thank you so much for replying. I will try to clear things up for you as best I can. I guess this isn't exactly an "open" adoption, what I mean is, that these people who adopted her were aquaintences of my mother and I and desprately wanted a child. The amom had always agreed to send pics, have dinners and contact, etc, Nicole was told that she was adopted at the age of 5, and Janet said when I was ready for her to know my true identity, we would go further. Shortly after, Janet was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer, so out of respect for everyone, I kind of backed off, not wanting to complicate the situation, and not wanting Janet to have fear that she would loose that relationship with the daughter she so desperatly wanted. My situation is, that now, even though the adad has admitted to me that she does need someone, a "mother figure", in her life, he will not comply with the agreement that we had (not even pics). I might add, that he started dating someone in January 2005 (Janet passed in September 2004), and had openly admitted that this woman wasn't into Nicole like he needed her to be. They are no longer together. How many other women are there going to be???
Thanks,
Lilly

[whitsunday15]

Hi Lilly! I am an adoptee and this is my take on this. It seems to me that the adad may still be trying to protect Janet as this girl's mother. Maybe it's too soon for him to allow another woman to mother Nicole--even you, her bmom. Maybe it wasn't that the woman he dated wasn't into his daughter, it was that he didn't want her "into" her. You are only hearing his perspective on that matter.

Nonetheless, adolescent girls need woman role models. At the age of 12, she should hear from her father though that you are reaching out to her. Maybe write her a letter telling you how you feel, but don't send it. In the mean time, keep in contact with her adad and maybe he'll change his tune. If you don't get a relationship with her right now, and one day she comes searching and will most likely easily find you, then you have proof that you wanted to be there and out of respect for her afamily, you couldn't.

There's no easy way to handle anything like this, but you should respect that her dad knows what's best for her right now. If she truly knows that she is adopted, then maybe she'll ask her dad about you when she's ready.

This is tough, and I wish you luck.

[rwilbanks]

I totally agree with whitsunday. I am 40 years old and just recently reunited with my bmom. It has been a dream come true. I knew all my life I was adopted, but still even at 40 I was not prepared for all the emotions that go along with finding your bmother. Twelve is such a touchy age anyway with so many things in your life. Then to add losing your mother to finding someone you know is really your bmother. Lots of things to process. I agree to let the dad run this for now and just know he knows what is best for his little girl. It will be hard, but you don't want to burn any bridges this early in the game.

[rose524]

Hi Lilly-

Thanks for explaining to me - it helps.
Sounds like your daughter does need a mother figure in her life. I hope her dad comes around and makes things easier for you so you can continue to be part of her life. Best wishes!

[JPDakota]

Wow, I've been sitting here trying to remember being a 12 year old adoptee. Its been a little while. I really think there's no way you should contact her at this point in her life. Her Dad is the one who's parenting her. I'm sorry she lost her Mom, and she probably does have a need for a maternal figure. If her Dad believes that's best, he'll go down that path with you. I would encourage you to continue to be available, so that when the time comes there won't be any burned bridges in the way.

[Jody M]

Hi- thanks for sharing, As an adoptee I would say go slow and as others have said respect the adoptive father but do communicate and share your willingness to be supportive.
It sounds like the adoptee does not "know" that you are her birth mother, maybe just a family friend. This can be startling news to an adoptee, and may challenge her trust issues. In my own adoption journey my strong faith in God helps me to pray over these issues. Too many complex questions, feelings and considerations- and we as humans can not see all the sides. May God lead you to the right connection during this fragile/sensitive time in the adoptee's life. For many of us who grew up in closed adoptions, it is difficult for me to imagine having a relationship in any form as a child. But as an adult, I desired to find my birth mom and connect with her.

Thanks for inquiring and God bless your journey!

Jody

[RSargeant]

Hi Lilly,
As a 23 year old adoptee, I can tell you that I have always wanted to know my bithmom for as long as I can remember. She and my mom both hold an equally important place in my life. Although I have always wanted to know her, I think that age has also prepared me. I think that you expressing an interest in your daughters need for a mother figure is very natural for a loving mother. I also agree with some of the previous posts: While I can easily say now that I would want to know that you are my birthmother, I cannot honestly say whether or not I would have been totally ready for that at the age of 12, especially if I had been through what she has been through in the past year or so. You obviously love your daughter so much that you are willing to do whatever is best for her. I dont have the exact answer, but I do think that it would be easiest emotionally if it was agreed upon with her father for you to come into her life as a mother figure. Otherwise there may be too many confused and guilty feelings for a young girl her age. But I do believe that whatever you choose, that as she grows older, she will come to want to know you naturally. I have loved my birthmother always and I know that alot of adoptees feel this way.
Best of luck with whatever you choose. You are in my thoughts. I will be checking up to see how things are going!
~Rachel

[poetic-nobody]

Well, considering all the emotional trauma she's going through this past year, I might be hesitant to accept my b-mom with open arms. I would be afraid that I could be hurt again... but, at the same time, I might be caught between my father and my birth mom. It sometimes feels like you are caught between two worlds and contacting her would present a big decision: Am I ready to get a close maternal relationship?

Originally Posted by lilly123

I am wondering, and I have had some feedback already, but I am really interested in getting some more imput from some adoptees. I am a birth mother of an almost 12 year old girl. It has been an open adoption all these years, which I loved!!! Just like the children I am raising with my husband, I love this little girl with all of my heart, and think about her every waking minute of every day!! Her amom passed away in September of 2004, and the adad is not carrying on our open adoption agreement. She has known for a while that she is adopted, and knows me simply as "Lilly". Now, adoptees, because I want to take her feelings into consideration before mine, would you want to be contacted by me as your bmom, knowing what all you have been through in the past year and a half. Think of yourself coming into womanhood without the only mother you have ever known!! Thank you!!!

Lots of love and prayers
xoxoxoxoxo

[Nicole28]

Lilly,

I would speak to her father about this. If your bio-daughter is interested in pursuing a relationship with you, then that's wonderful. However, she may not be ready - and until she is, I think it is admirable that you continue to be patient. On the other hand, maybe you are just what she needs right now! Keep us updated.

Nicole

[lilly123]

Thank you all for your perspectives. The only thing that I am having a problem dealing with is the gut wretching feeling that something is very wrong, and I can't shake it. I wouldn't actually say that I want to pop into her life and say "here I am--your birthmom" but rather continue a relationship like I had for 10 years. A concerned friend, a role model, if you will. Then if questions arise we can cross that bridge when we come to it. I know one thing, I do love Nicole with all my heart and soul, and I just want to know that she is okay, and maybe shake this feeling that I have.

Thanks again!!!
XOXOXOXOXO
Lilly

[mommymassaro]

Hello. I can see where this is a struggle for you. I am 27 and I was adopted. I was told I was adopted when I was 13 immediately following a very tramatic event in my life. My adoptive mother claims she told me when I was around 5 but I don't remember her ever saying anything. Finding out I was adopted was a major blow to me...I was not ready for that news....it came with no warning. I found myself in a MAJOR state of confusion. At the same time once I settled down and really thought about it, it explained a lot of questions I had about myself and my life at home. I think that her adoptive father would be the one who would have some kind of idea as to if she can emotionally handle that kind of news right now. The positive side of things for you is that even if you have to wait a little bit to let her know that you are her birth mother...you know who adopted her...you know her name...you know at least for the most part where she currently lives. In the event you need to locate her later you have a lot of things going in your favor. I hope I have maybe helped a little. Good luck

[eastendmommy]

Dear Lilly, First, I'm sorry that you and your little girl are going through this rough time...circumstances that are out of your control... If you have been known as a 'family friend' for all these years, doesn't Nicole wonder where you've been since her Amom died - when she needs a 'friend' the most????? Seems to me that she's likely to feel abandoned by you, too.

She needs a mother in her life...12 is such a vulnerable and impressionable age...She's preparing for adulthood, and let's face it - men are (sometimes) not the best when it comes to female issues... I think it would cause trust issues to suddenly find out that the family friend is really her Mother... I'm sure there's no easy answers, but unless you have the Adad's approval, your hands are tied. Good luck as you proceed. Let us know what's going on.

Hugs, Tammi