[saspaul]

Perhaps someone can help us.We adopted our daughter, the day after she was born, and we have had periodic contact with the birth mother, who we really like. She ended up marrying the birth father, and they now have two young children. Our daughter is now nine years old, and she has known she was adapted from the beginning. And we've always promised her that she would be able to meet her birth family when she was older, with the idea that when she was 18 she could make the decision as to when. We are now rethinking that decision, and she periodically mentions a "hole in her heart" or a feeling of loneliness that I believe is common to adopted children. We just heard from the birth mother again, and learned about her current family situation, which is very good. They are very willing to establish contact, but also respectful if that does not fit what's best for our daughter. Coincidentally, we found that they had moved and now live quite close to where our oldest daughter is going to college, so that setting up a meeting would be quite easy from the physical/travel/proximity standpoint. My gut feeling at this point is that the truth is always best. And that my daughter might benefit from meeting her birth family, especially since she has two full blood. Younger siblings. The cautious side of me, worries that this might cause problems for both families and especially for our daughter.



Do any of you have experience with a situation like this, or have any advice? Do any of you know, professionals that we could consult that have experience with situations like this?

Thank you for any input, you can provide

[shannoninsc]

I've read your post over and over. I think it is wonderful that you have contact with your daughter's birthmother.

Although you may wish to seek professional advice, I think the best advice is from those of us who have been there. Additionally, you will know in your heart what is right and what is not.

I am a 34 year old adoptee, who is still searching for my birthmother. As your daughter, I was adopted at birth and have wonderful adoptive parents who have always been straight with me from the get-go. I remember feeling the same way your daughter feels, even at that young age. It does not get any better. Please take my word for it. The hole in my heart has just gotten bigger and bigger over time. This hole has nothing to do with you, nor did it have anything to do with my adoptive parents, as they were and are wonderful people. It has to do with us adoptees.

It sounds like you have a very open and honest relationship with your daughter, as well as her birthmother. Sit down and talk with your daughter and see how she feels about meeting her birthmother at this time in her life. It is only natural for her to want to meet her. I honestly believe that meeting her will only improve her life, as well as help your daughter find her true self, therefore allowing her a more rewarding and fullfilling life.

I can imagine your anxiety over the situation - afraid of what may transpire, what will change, who will want different things, etc. You have to trust your gut, but most importantly, you have to trust your daughter and give her what she needs. The rest will fall into place.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

Shannon

[scarlet52698]

I agree, being open with your daughter about her birthfamily may answer questions that she has right. I too remember feeling the hole at a very early age.

Ultimately you know what's best for her, I'd trust your gut and just procede gently with her.

Good luck

[kune]

saspaul,
Firstly, I think your daughter, in years to come, will realise how forward-thinking her parents were. She obviously has no hesitation speaking openly about her adoption and it's affect on her and trusts you enough to share her thoughts. (Not always the case if you read through the threads here). Sounds like great family ethics to me!!

When a post like yours above comes up on the forums it gives me a window of opportunity and allows me to go back and (I guess), analyse what closed adoption meant to me 10 to 12 years after the fact. Would I have liked to meet my child, and know them on a semi-regular basis through early teens? Would they be closer to their other siblings if they had contact through adolescence to adulthood? Would my son's aparents and I have been able to come to an arrangement that benefitted all involved? The answers are not always clear as I think they depend on the maturity of the child involved, and the lengths you, the afamily, are prepared to go to satisfy everyone.

As a relinquishing birthmother, yes I would have loved to know and meet my child. I would have been in my early 40's and settled enough to value the generosity of the afamily in allowing contact. I think it would certainly benefit your daughter and her siblings to be known and considered part of each other's lives. But I also think it will be quite difficult for you to share your precious girl with another family. If my own reunion is a valid measure, the birthmother will be intense, fearful and ecstatic all rolled into one, and you will need to make sure your daughter is aware of what she may encounter.


I would suggest that you encourage contact by letter, e-mail or telephone to allow them to get to know each other by these means before they actually meet. Your daughter can correspond with her siblings and birthmom and learn her birth story, their family history, exchange similarities/differences in a non-frightening way. If there is too much pressure on your daughter, you will be able to work through any problems and sort of moderate what is happening.

You ask if there are any professionals who could help. I honestly think that you and your wife are the best professionals here. You know your daughter inside out, know if she is mature enough to do this, and are open-minded enough to do what is best for her and your family.

I wish you and your family, much happiness and understanding.

Ann
ps. I have just read your post again and you say you have had periodic contact with the birthmother? Has your daughter? I presumed she had not so maybe some of this post is irrelevant.

[GE_Glows]

I agree with Ann - and I would also suggest that you closely monitor the relationship. I was 19 when I found my birthmother (with whom I have a wonderful relationship, but it wasn't always easy) and even then it was a bit overwhelming. We wrote letters for awhile and then "graduated" to phone calls before finally meeting face to face. At 9, letters may be enough for a little while - a "safe" way for your daughter to ask her questions and have them answered. A photo exchange would probably be good too - I know my kids ( 10 & 12) need to visualize things to really get them sometimes.
You know your daughter best of all, of course, so you can judge best. I wish my parents had been more involved in my initial meeting with my birth mom - it probably would have been less overwhelming for me - and it probably would have gone much slower from step to step. (It was about 4 months from letter 1 through telephone to face to face meeting) and for a college freshman - it was more than I was prepared for.
Best wishes to you and I hope your daughter one day realizes how blessed she is to have you as he parents - I'm sure you already know how blessed you are to have her
GE

[bmwsar]

I have read your story a few times and hope what i have to say is helpful.

I am an adoptee and I have found my birthparents, I have 3 full blooded siblings. But their marriage didn't last and ended up bitter(thats not the point though).

At that age i remember being very into my adoption and wanting to meet my birthfamily. Looking back i may have verbalized wanting to meet them, but i know i would not have been ready. I am saying this as my opinion and take to heart what you want, in no way am i telling you how to parent.

I agree that all adoptees have a sense of loss or a feeling of emptiness in their heart and that is what drives some of us to seek out our biological families. But at her age i am afraid that she may not be ready. I am 20 and have trouble expressing myself when i met them and still struggle a little with my own situation, though it worked out really well. But at that age i think it is imparative that your child establishes who they are with you and your family. You are her parents and it can get confusing if others are introduced, even as good intentioned as it may be.

She sounds like a very well adjusted child which will make that time in her life a little easier to deal with. For now i would wait. But again you ultimatley have the final say because you can judge what is the best thing for her. Good luck, hope this helped some.
*Sarah*

p.s. I was happy to read that you were open from the beginning, thats how my parents were and i think that makes a world of difference. Again you know what's best talk to her and go with your gut. Best of luck to your family

[saspaul]

I would like to thank all of you for your posts. My wife and I will read and reread them as we ponder what's best to do from this point on. I especially thank bmwsar for posting her thoughts that are a bit contrary to the others, because the more people we hear from on any side of the issue gives us more to go on. It's easy to take risks for oneself, certainly much harder to consider taking risks for your child. Thank you all again.

[Lish71]

I would start any contact with your daughters birthmom very slowly. I would do this by letting her write letters to her birthmother. Of course, if her birthmother responds by writing back, I would read the letters before letting her know that you have even rec'd it. This has to be your decision to let her write to her, not hers.

You mentioned in your post that you daughter states she feels like she has a "hole in her heart." I always felt that way growing up. It was almost like there was a missing piece to the puzzle. That feeling went away the first time I talked to my birthmother.

I would also suggest talking to the agency that place your daughter with you just to get some insight on what they think. They may very well have run into this situation with another adopted child.

Please keep us posted as to what you decide.

Lish71

[Cedl]

I too have read your blog a couple of times and felt compelled to write.

As has been mentioned -you know your child best-but I would have to agree with Sarah. I think it would be very confusing even for an adult to meet one's birth family especially as a complete unit with both parents and siblings.

It might be different if it was just one member of the bio family, then, you daughter would still have her complete adopted family unit. But to be in the middle of two complete units while trying to find ones self, I would have found overwhelming.

Adolescence can be a very confusing time by its self, you may want to support your daughter through that and possible keep contact with her bio family so you can give her great information when she is ready.

[saspaul]

So Cedl, are you suggesting that when we meet we only meet with the birth mother, at least at first? If so, when would you sugget integrating the entire birth family? (This is an "intact" family with Mom, Dad, brother and sister.) I had not considered this aspect and appreciate your bringing this up.
Thanks!

[thisisapain]

I think Shanoninc has pretty much said what I feel. I'm adopted w/ a curiosity, but afraid of hurting my aparents. My other concern would be that she's doing her studying and not getting mixed up emotionally w/ the new relationship. I could cause a lot of upset. Can you hold if off until college is done? Is your daughter pushing for this or not too awfully interested at this time. Who's "pushing" this?
Just curious.
Holly

[ledwards]

I am a bmom who relinquished then married bdad and had 3 more full blood siblings. We are busy reuniting at ages of children 25,22,21 & 16 and it is hard for the 3 that have grown up together to make their a/sister feel less like a stranger. My 3 children only learnt of their older sister 18 months ago through gossip. I really regret not having been more open. Your adop daughter will always be your baby but let her know her siblings as soon as possible. Children take things so in their stride but it is not 'normal' as part of their lives if you leave it. My heart bleeds for what they misssed out on and for when we as triad parents are old, they should have each other.