[whitsunday15]

Hi guys! I need some advice on how to handle telling my adoptive parents that I am searching for my birth family.

I am in the infant stages of searching and in contact with a search angel. I am going to need any information that my parents have about my birth, and this is where my conflict arises. Right now, my adoptive mom is under going cancer treatment. Her mother is dying of cancer also, and probably won't make it through the year. My mom has extremely weak self-esteem. When my brother mentioned searching for his family, she got upset, and he hadn't even begun. My brother and I are both in our 20's and have every right to look if we want. It doesn't help that her and I have never had a good relationship.

I am stuck between hurting her feelings, even though beginning my search now will most likely not result in any information for a while, and being selfish on this matter. I know that the longer I wait, and the more information I find, it would most likely be worse in the end to tell them I found my birth mom and I am meeting her. I want to give them time to accept it. I just feel horrible that the timing is completely off.

[love4]

With love....with care....with respect......with patience....with understanding. How would you want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot?

I am an adoptive mom in reunion. It has been a long, hard journey and I am still traveling that road.

I have treated my daughter with love.....with care.....with respect for her needs....with patience....with understanding. I put myself in her shoes. She has not always treated me the best either but I still treated her well.

Your mom is under great trials right now also. She may not respond in the way you would like right now. It's going to be hard.

[scarlet52698]

What about your dad? Can you talk to him about how you feel?

One thing I do know is that you don't want to hide it from your parents, it will only cause them more pain should you find your birthmom.

Have you thought about sitting down and writing a letter to your mom? Maybe she would be able to spend some time digesting everything that way.

I know how hard it is to tell your parents. Mine took it reasonably well but I could still see that they weren't thrilled about it. As adoptees we are stuck in the middle unfortunately.

[whitsunday15]

I think I would be able to talk to my dad pretty easily. Not that he would be thrilled, and he would need to tell my mom. I wouldn't want there to be secrets between them.

I feel like I need to draw up a game plan, so to speak. I guess there's no way around the fact that to them, it will seem like it's coming out of the blue.

AAHHH!!! It's so hard and unfair.

[scarlet52698]

Maybe your dad can help you think of the best approach with your mom.

And you'r right it is terribly hard and unfair. Hang in there though it will work out in the end.

[e_mccallum]

I actually found this thread because I was browsing the forums to make sure the issue I wanted to talk about didn't already have a discussion going. But since you beat me to it, it saves me the trouble of making a new thread! *chuckle* I can definitely understand the situation you're in right now, whitsunday15. I hope you won't mind my posting my own story in here, as we're in similar boats right now and maybe someone has advice that can help both of us.

My adoptive mom has always been a very (for lack of a better word) controlling person. My adoptive dad, on the other hand, is very laid-back and rarely contributes an opinion (opposing or otherwise) to the conversation, which serves to reinforce my amom's hold on my life. I am almost 23 years old, about to graduate college and enter the real world. I understand that this is a difficult period for my amom, since my older brother (the biological son of my aparents) has long been out of the house, is now married, has a son, and is living very far from my aparents. He's distanced himself from them emotionally, and I can see how it hurts my amom. This leaves me as the sole child still in regular contact with my parents. The problem is that I also need to break free from her control, and I can't because I feel like I would be abandoning her.

Lately, due to various circumstances, her controlling behavior has escalated into the type of verbal abuse I remember from most of my childhood, leading the majority of people I talk to about it to believe that I need to protect myself by leaving the situation completely. I'm really too compassionate even to do things to protect myself, and my behavior ends up contributing to her abuse of me.

Now add to this mixture the fact that I want to start a search for my birth mother/father/siblings/etc. I know that my amom and adad have information about my adoption; they've dropped pieces of information throughout the years, such as "That's the city you were born in," and "Here are pictures from the court proceedings that finalized your adoption." I've also glimpsed a letter from the attorney who presumably handled the whole adoption affair, but I wasn't able to read it carefully. I'm reluctant to ask my aparents outright because I know my amom will feel hurt and abandoned by this action. (She had a miscarriage before adopting me, and this might be a reason why she's been so protective and controlling of me.) However, I realize on an intellectual level that I have every right to search if I feel the need to, and that if she truly loves me she'll realize that I don't want to hurt her. In fact, if I'd wanted to hurt her, I would have outright left long ago due to the abusive atmosphere. I keep hoping she'll come around and that the situation will improve, but I also don't want to wait too long to initiate a search. From what I've read on these forums, searches can take a long time. If I find my birth parents/family, I'd like to have as much time as possible with them. I don't want to wait until my aparents are deceased (God forbid) before looking for a part of my history. And I don't want to lie to them about searching.

In short, I'm as clueless as you are, whitsunday15, and I'm hoping someone can help both of us out. I've always felt that solidarity helps me get through difficult situations, and I'm hoping that's the case now as well. Also feel free to contact me through email (woozle116@hotmail.com) if you want to talk or vent.

[dazed]

I am not sure whether you should tell your aparents now but wish you luck on your decision. Just a few thoughts...
I agree with FH..I learnt the hard way when I tried to keep the fact that I had met my bparents from my amum. She did know I was thinking of searching, offered to help but I did not feel comfortable, then I cut her out of it and went ahead searching myself.
I could not cope with her possible reactions (she is quite volatile..sorry!) but as I say I did not handle it properly and would have handled it differently if I had the chance again, as when they found out things were awkward and in some ways still are.
I agree with what love4 says as well and...it might be good to say to your amum that you have been struggling with whether you should search now/ her feelings etc and if you do- say you appreciate what she has done for you.
I actually think I might have told my adad of the developments first as I think he has a calmer temperament- although you could say this is pulling ranks-telling one aparent not the other first, but in my case it would have been better than keeping quiet.
Good luck

[LizzieM]

I just thought I would throw my hat out there since I am kind of in the same situation. I'm 23. I have set a date for myself to sit down and talk to my parents about wanting to search for my birthparents. It is completely terrifying.

I have never really been able to talk to them about being adopted because I always felt really guilty. I'm not sure how they're going to take it. I know my dad will be upset. He's pretty insecure about me wanting to meet my birthparents. I know from another situation that happened with one of my uncles, but I won't bore you with that. Plus, his mom just died two weeks ago. It's great timing on my part.

I can't decide whether I should tell my mom first, and then have her tell my dad with me. I have always been closer to my mom, so that would be easier for me, but I'm not sure if it would be better. I want to do whatever would be easier for them. I unfortunately don't know what that is.

So I definitely understand what you guys are going through.

[stillwaiting]

I am an adoptive mom and as I read your post I think to myself, "How would I feel if my son wanted to meet his birthfamily?"

1st thing that came to my mind is...what would be your purpose? Just to settle your curiosity or to form a continuing relationship or both? (I would not be definsive--I would just want to know in order to help him)

What are your expiations?

Are you prepared for any rejection or disappointment from your birth family?

Are you prepared to have an on going relationship with them no matter what you discover about them - even if you don't really like them?

What if they don't want a relationship with you and they have tried to let go of the past?

I would support my son and try to help him the best I could to connect with his birth parents. I hope someday he has the oppertunity to meet his birthmother. I just adore her-from what little I know about her. However, I would also try to prepare him for what ever is to come from meeting them.

I suspect your parents will do the same. If they have any reservations it is most likely because they want to protect YOU and they love you VERY much. Even if they don't show it very well.

Go slowly on with both (parents and birth family) you don't want a mess on your hands!

Best wishes to you both!

[whitsunday15]

I certainly appreciate any responses from amothers. I don't know what they will think when I tell them, but this gives me a good idea of questions to have answers to when I finally decide to tell them.

I've been thinking about my approach with them, and I think I may start with a feeler question. Something like, "how would you guys feel if one day I decided I wanted to search for my birth family?" Just to see how they respond. At least it will plant the seed in their head. Then I can come back in due time and talk some more about it. I live 2500 miles away and this will all take place over the phone, so I will most likely have both of them on the phone together when I ask.

All this thought is giving me a headache. I'm glad to know other people find this a hard as me. I'm not sure there's ever going to be a "right" time to tell them. In the end, I'll end up protecting my own rights as a human being and doing what I need to do to find myself. I think that my parents--should they even get angry--will eventually come to understand it's something I need to do.

[marimari]

I am a b-mom, so I surely can't tell you all what to do..but I'd add that there is the possibility that you may really like what you find in these people, assuming that you find them.
From what I have read on other posts, it is often difficult for the a-parents to even imagine that their child may want to look for the first parents...understandably..the records were closed, those people were out of the picture, with a new family in place. It must be scary to think about, plus as already mentioned, your parents have the desire to protect you..especially since these people walked away from you. maybe there is a feeling that your a-families are more than enough, should be more than enough..but it's not really even about hat. It's not about looking for a replacement mommy and daddy..it's just about looking and getting some answers that the paperwork provided just won't have..the look of their faces, their touch, their stories, not the case workers' versions...their history, which is also your history, along with that of your a-families.
There seems so much to be gained in reunion. I have reunited with my son...it's been very good for the most part..some rough spots, too...growing together, learning about each other, etc. It's been hard for his a-mom..she did not allow me to come to his wedding, his wife has had a hard time, too...Some people think that b-moms just walked away and never looked back..like we got a better offer..well, that wasn't it for me and possibly not the case for most b-moms. We just wanted something better than what we could provide for our children at the time.
I do ask about his a-mom and I do encourage him to call her, have lunch, include her...she is the woman who raised him, along with her husbands..I respect that. I don't expect to take her place..no one took his place either.
So my hope would be that as lovingly as you can to tell your parents that this is something that you just need to do..for you..that they have always been your mom and dad, but that you have questions that can really only be answered by these other people..remind them that they have raised you to be caring, inquisative, etc..they raised you to be like them and that you will never abandon them.
There are some good search and reunion books out there that might help..I'd advise you to read them along with giving your parents some books about how adoptees feel..it's important for them to not feel alone, too..to know that their place in your heart will remain strong....just my thoughts...I know it's tough..oh, and I think I'd tell the parents together, rather than separately..one can lean on the other..and maybe bring someone with you that can be a moral support, too..it will also encourage good behavior for your parents, not that they'll be bad, but if control is an issue, you'll need some for yourself, too.
Best wishes in proceeding...remember that they love you..I have read that reunion strengthens good adoptive relationships..how cool would that be!

[~felix~]

Hi,
I think it's quite wonderful that you are hoping not to hurt those who raised you, but also it is extremely important for all in the adoption triad to understand that you were born of others and in comprehending this hopefully your mother will be compassionate in wanting you the son she loves, to feel complete and know your truth. Sorry to hear that she is sick and yes, this is a rough time for her too... I wish you nothing but the best in your journey.
A reunited mother~ and very happy at that.

[carolynppk]

Reunion, even in the best situations, is a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Many times both parties are not in the same place at the same time. I agree very much with what love4 said about going slowly, patiently, with understanding and placing yourself in the other person's shoes. You amom is going through quite a bit right now. You would want some consideration if in the same boat. I also agree with stillwaiting in that have you fully prepared yourself for what you may find and why and what you are searching for? Not that there are any right or wrong reasons for searching, I just think when we examine why we are searching, it gives us a perspective and helps us understand what we are hoping to gain through reunion. I do believe that you have the right to know answers, I am an adoptee, also. But I think that so many people think only of themselves and what they are "entitled" to. Adoption and the triad are very complicated, with many different views. For every happy reunion there are half a dozen that have not worked out. I think it is important when going forward to think about others. It seems to get the best results. Do a lot of research, talk to other amom's here and ask how they would want to be told and how things might go easier. Ask bmom's in what helps when making first contact. And realize that this forum has great info, but it doesn't represent all views, especially the bmom's that don't want to be contacted. And to take things slowly. Realize that things may not be right at this moment, where in a few years, things may be better. Ulimately you have to do what you feel in your heart to be right, and I am by no means telling you not to search. I am saying to take time, think greatly about it and ALL parties involved, it is so easy to burn bridges by moving quickly and wanting what YOU want and not considering how someone else is feeling. I do not think that you shouldn't search because your mother may get upset. I am saying that with all that is going on in her life right now, give her a little more consideration and be very gentle. I wouldn't hide what I am doing from her, but I wouldn't go into every detail either. I wish you luck and insight as to what to do.


Carolyn

[Header4321]

Hey! Its really interesting to read your story because I am going through the exact same thing! My parents feel hurt that I want to search my birth mother and my mother will not admit it but my father feels deserted from it. Here are a few things that I am trying:

1. Showing my parents how much I love them in any little or big way that I can.

2. Explaining to my parents that this is something that is Extremely normal, infact I think there are statistics on the website that 90% of birth children want to search their mother.

3. Sit down yourself and come up with reasons as to why YOU want to search, and tell your parents them. One of my huge reasons why I am searching is because I want to thank my mother for the selfless act of giving me away, and the wonderful life she gave me. I would not be where I am today had she not made that sacrifice and I am so lucky to have my family. I'm proud of my parents and I want to show her what she gave me.

4. Ask your parents to help you in your search, as a support group and as an unconditional love group. The only person to break down the wall of your family and birth mother is you. If your seperate the two then the whole jealousy issue may get worse.

Im no guru but what I have been doing seems to work a little!
Good luck and dont forget to tell your parents how much you love them!

[Nicole28]

Hey there -

I wouldn't say that your adoptive mom is "jealous" - more like caught off guard, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed...this is an emotional situation on top of the other things she is dealing with, you know? I feel like jealous is a little harsh.

I remember when my parent's found me searching online when I was in 7th or 8th grade. My dad sat at the kitchen table in tears asking me to just please be honest with them - if I want to search, we could work through it together. Since then I have avoided discussing my search with them at all costs - I am not ready to handle the emotions we would all inevitably go through.

If you are going to continue your search, be honest with them but be sensitive. Someone suggested that you tell them certain things but avoid sharing other things that may upset them...it's up to you. They are your parents, they love you, and they want you to be happy, and although it might be difficult to support your search, give them some credit. I can't imagine how adoptive parents feel when their child tells them they want to find their biological parents, you know?

Good luck

Nicole