[NeonMartini]

Hello!

I am new to this forum, but would love any advice that anyone with a similar experience can provide.

I am a 24 (soon to be 25) year old woman who has never met her birthfather. When I was 3, my birthmother (who raised me) married my stepfather and he adopted my sister and I; we took his last name as a result. After their marriage, our family moved from where I was born (FL) to a very rural town in TN. Though I asked my mother on a constant basis as I got older, she always refused me information on my birthfather - his name, whereabouts, the circumstances surrounding my birth, their relationship, etc., insisting that my stepfather was "daddy" and I should be happy with the way things were. Needless to say...I wasn't. If my birthfather were looking for me, he wouldn't know who to look for, since I had neither his last name nor my mother's maiden name and he wouldn't know where to look since she'd had no contact with him (that I was aware of) regarding our move. My mother, stepfather and I didn't have the best relationship and as such, we are now estranged. Once I was older and out on my own, I discussed my birthfather with relatives and was able to get his name, aproximate age when he and my birthmother were together and a few guesses as to his general location. Armed with this, I tried my luck on the internet to no avail...until...

Search Angels! Yep, a search angel team helped me locate a very, very likely match. Name, age and location all match perfectly. I'm going to write him a letter. The trouble is that I have no clue what to say. I don't want to impose on anyone's life, I'm not seeking money, I just want to know where I came from. On one hand I'm terrified of never knowing (maybe I have other brothers or sisters!), but on the other I'm not sure how to handle the initial contact - what if he never responds, or denies me? Do I keep writing?

Has anyone composed a letter as a point of initial contact? If so, what did you say?

Any advice will be appreciated.
Thank you!

[beth1965]

I have been in almost the exact position. I was writing to my birthmother for the first time - to a "strong possibility". I used that slightly to my advantage. Also, I expressed many of the things that you mentioned, "i'm happy, etc..."

Of course, the circumstances surrounding my not knowing her were slightly different from yours, so much would be different.

This is what I wrote to my uncle when I found him.

Mr. XXXXX

I appreciate very much your reply.

I was placed for adoption in 1965 by a person fitting your sister's background.

I do not want to infringe upon anyone's privacy. I would like to thank your sister for making the decisions she made. I know that it must have been a very difficult time in her life and hope that the rest of it has been good to her. I am very happy with who and where I am in life. As a firm believer in the "Nature" aspect of the Nature v. Nurture argument, I have her and my father to thank.

I also, though, because of my beliefs, have curiousity about my ancestral heritage and my medical background. I have married a man of XX ancestry and my children are enthralled at the fact that I, too, have
xx ancestry.

I will give you my contact information. If your sister should ever decide that she would like to contact me, please let her know that I would welcome that. If she would like no further contact, I will honor that. I would
like very much to know what she is willing to share of my background.

I hope to hear from you or your sister.

[NeonMartini]

Beth, thank you for your reply.


The tricky part is, I'm not sure if my birthfather even knows I was actually *born*. I thought I put that above, but I neglected to type it...in gathering information from family, it was expressed to me that (how do I put this politely...?) my birthmother likely told my birthfather that she wasn't going to actually have me; that she would terminate the pregnancy. This adds a bit of stress...I can't open with -

"You may not know I existed, but..."

I'll keep your letter to reference some of the phrasing, if you don't mind my using it, and thanks so much (again) for your response.

Did you ever get a response from your birthmother?

[beth1965]

That is a bit trickier. You will need to address that as well. Feel free to use any of my phrasing - I promise it isn't copyrighted. Yes, my uncle immediately called my mother and read her my letter. She called me that night. She also sent it to my birthfather. I am in reunion with both. They both said they were appreciative of some of the things I expressed in my letter.

[NeonMartini]

Thanks, Beth. It's good to know that even if situations vary, there are people here who understand.

Congrats on your reunion!

[NeonMartini]

Updated to say: never got a reply to my letter. But still searching!

[beth1965]

If you would like to PM me the info you have, I can verify that you are using a current address so you know whether he's ignored or not been contacted.

[MixedBliss]

Originally Posted by NeonMartini

Updated to say: never got a reply to my letter. But still searching!

It probably goes without saying, but did you enclose a SASE* and/or a phone card with your contact letter? And "delivery confirmation" (the kind no one has to sign for) has been very good for some of us in learning whether we're being ignored or if our letter ever got to the address we sent it to.




*Whomever invented those "forever stamps" has my vote for sainthood!