[RoxyLLLuv]

It's so weird to think about how the event of an adoption can shape your entire freakin life. Just how much undiscovered, and unaknowledged pain can linger in your soul, and stay hidden for so long. In my case, I have a freakishly horrid fear of losing my parents. ( A.Parents ) Part of me feels so **** dependant. My phobias of abandonment are so **** deep, I find myself trying to prepare myself for when they inevitably die. We will be having the best of times together, closer than ever, and all of a sudden, I'll get this horrible feeling of fear and anxiety, knowing that someday I'll be without them. My guardians. The ones who loved me, and took me in.
I guess why so much of my stability relies on my parents, is because I always found it somewhat difficult to click with my adoptive 'relatives'. Deep down always pondering what the true feelings were from my grandparents, aunts, uncles, after my parents broke the news that they were going to adopt. Hmmmm...............

[Poleczech]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Have your arelatives treated you in ways that make you feel like they did not approve?

I am a hopeful mom. DH and I were never able to have bio children. When I first told my mother about our intention to adopt, she got this huge smile across her face -- to her, the blood relation didn't matter. We have been officially waiting now since July 2005, and she has already crochetted us two baby blankets (even though she keeps saying before sending me another one that she is going to wait to see whether we have a girl or boy). DH's parents are just as excited, and his mother keeps looking for baby clothes and whatnots for us. Everytime I hear from siblings or see friends I haven't seen in a while, everyone always asks me the status and if we have heard anything -- they are all very anxious and excited for us.

So perhaps your arelatives were just as excited and love you just as much as if you were biologically related. Have you ever talkedwith your aparents about this? One of my brothers has three step sons, and my mother doesn't treat them any different than my other brother's two sons who are bio.

Best wishes to you -- I hope things start feeling better for you.

[darkknight]

Hi RoxyLLLuv

It doesn't sound like you are saying it's an issue of them not showing you love, but that it's more a pervasive feeling on your part that you need them, and you know what, that's okay.

I personally am not that close to my adoptive parents, I mean we talk weekly and email each other. They were some of the best parents I have heard of (either thru adoptees or blood families)

However, when you are talking about having that fear they will be gone, that I can understand. They are your parents, no A about it. It's okay to feel that strongly about people who were so important in your life. If that feeling is beginning to interfere with your ability to cope or interact with them or others though, you should probably seek counseling.

I personally am seeing one. One of the theorys bouncing around about some adoptees is the missing core so that adoptees tend to view themselves based on the actions/reactions of others. Like me, maybe you are basing your opinions of yourself on their actions/reactions rather than a strong internal sense of self so that the thought of losing them is like losing your identity or feeling of self worth. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it is, just saying it's something to think about.)

Whatever the reason behind your feelings, you have taken a great first step by bringing them out into the open but don't stop here. Maybe write a journal and just explore them with yourself? Do you have a local support group with adoptees who you can talk to face to face?

As for the rest of the family, maybe it's a bit of jealousy on your part? For me it was a combination of not wanting to feeling like I fit in, but I have always been a bit of a loner and not big on large family functions. I'm getting better at it now though.

Then again, there is no perfect extended family whether your are blood or not. Bottom line is you are there family and they are yours but you are all human and sometimes we just see things differently.

[snuffie]

Hi!
I can relate to being afraid of losing aparents. I used to pray every night for God to grant them long and happy lives. And He did. They were well into their 80's when they both passed away. But I think that whether we are adopted or not losing ones parents is a horrible time in anyone's life. As one gets older though, it is necessary to rely more and more on ourselves. I think that is the natural course of things to prepare us for the inevitable.
It's been nearly 6 years now since my aparents have been gone and I find that I can finely think about the happy times more than the grieving times.

I do believe that its true that some of we adoptees do tend to see ourselves through the reactions/actions of others. I'm working on that too but it is still a work in progress. I know in my own case most of the members of my afamily didn't treat me any differently than if I was a "blood" relative but sometimes my sensitivity caused me to think they did.

I wish you much happiness with your aparents for many years to come!
Snuffie

[RoxyLLLuv]

I havn't ever been able to just ' talk' before, in the way that I can in this forum. Your responses are not only compassionate, but are full of constructive, heartfelt advice. I am so greatful to be able to be honest, and to get the gentle loving support that not only I, but everyone in this forum needs. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

~RoxyLLLuv

[RoxyLLLuv]

Dear Poleczech,
You asked if my A.relatives treated me in ways that made it seem like they didn't approve. I want to say no, but when I think about it, my grandmother, who passed away a year ago, used to keep really large individual pictures of all of my cousins in her T.V. room on the walls right above the television on the main wall. Also there were a few other pics of them in her bedroom. I guess it kind of always really hurt my feelings that the only pics of me and my older adoptive sister, were way downstairs in one of those collage picture frames mixed in with random pics of all the family, and cousins. It always felt like because me and my sister weren't blood, that we didn't 'make the grade' in her eyes. With my grandparents on the other side, it never really seemed to matter. I never felt like they treated me differently. Anyway, good luck on your adoption. My parents waited for two years to get my sister. And then four years later they got me. They always say that everything happened at just the right time. You'll have to update me on the progress. Talk to you later.

~RoxyLLLuv

[RoxyLLLuv]

Dear DK,
You really 'got' what I was saying. I read your response and I have never looked at viewing my self worth in that way before. ( based off of actions/reactions) I thought about it, and I was able to really see a pattern in my relationships with my parents, my friends, my boyfriend, ..... pretty much anyone of importance in my life. I've been toying with the idea of counseling for some time now. I really want to see an adoptive specialist, but it hasn't been easy to find on in my area. Or state even. It's also easy to procrastinate. Another thing that I thought about that you threw out there was possible jealousy. Which I have alot of towards my family/friends who are able to know what it feels like to be connected. By looks, by their herritage. I am sooooo curious about who is in my family tree. Anyway, I should probably get some sleep. I really, really appreciate your response. It has given me alot to think about.

~RoxyLLLuv

[RoxyLLLuv]

Dear Snuffie,
I really need to go to sleep, but I wanted to thank you for sharing a bit of your past with me. It sounds like you could really relate to my some of my fears regarding my parents. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for responding. I appreciate it.

~RoxyLLLuv