[Roo1973]

Hello,
I was adopted as an infant and was blessed with wonderful parents. But lately I have been thinking about finding my Birth Parents and there is a part of me that feels guilty about wanting to find them. I know that my parents would support me 100% but I still feel like I would be hurting them. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

[Umbilical child]

Yes...welcome to the club...have a good read of these forums and you will find it absolutely rings true..your situation is normal and everyone goes through it to some degree....My only advice is to keep your Adoptive parents in the loop if they are as supportive as you say...good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for...

[snuffie]

Oh yes. An awful lot of us have been there.
I kept my feelings deeply buried for many, many years.
Guilt for even thinking about finding my bparents was always there. But it became something I realized I needed to do if I were ever to have peace of mind.
Sometimes we do need to think of ourselves in life. I have said this before but it really isn't selfish, it is self preservation.
Yes, our aparents may feel hurt but the more they are made to understand how much we love them and that they will not be displaced by our search and reunion, I think that helps alot. My aparents (had they been alive) would have welcomed my bfamily as more people to love. It sounds as though your aparents may feel that way too.
Hugs
Snuffie

[momof2under2]

Sure have Roo. Welcome to the board and you will see that you will find a lot of great advice and support here.

[Roo1973]

Thanks, It is nice to know I am not alone in my feelings. I am really glad I came across this site!

[Baby Melissa]

Hi Roo-
I'm also a newbie to this forum, however I recently reunited w/ my bfamily. If you've seen any of my recent posts, you'll know I'm reading a book which I find interesting... you might love it or hate it, or BOTH (like me). It's called Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up. It states: you don't owe your parents a covenant never to look for your original parents. Searching for your roots is part of your legacy as an adoptee. As I said before, it is not about them: not about their not being good enough parents, not about your not loving them, not about ther being a disappointment to you. It is about knowing about your ancestral past, so that you can see more cleary into the future. It is about being more accurately mirrored. It is about you and what is in your best interest." One thing that I never thought about until AFTER I reunited with my bfamily, is that I've always had 2 moms and 2 dads. It's a weird way to think of yourself, especially if you haven't found them yet, but as traditional as our aparents tried to raise us, we're still different. Different does not mean bad: remember that! Bottom line... this is not about them. This is about you. I NEVER thought I'd feel as passionately about this as I do now. My 1/2 sister is the one that did the search and found me. I'm so glad she did because I don't know if I would have had the courage. Now that I've found them (or vice versa), my life makes more sense. It is a deeply personal decision and not one to take lightly, but please know that you will never be alone in this journey. There are plenty of "us" out there to help you. Good luck!!

[bmwsar]

Roo,
There is no need to feel guilty, your parents had to have expected at some point in your life you would want to seek out your b-parents, it goes with the territory. I talked to my parents and asked them how they felt to make sure they were ok and began searching. Maybe if you talk to them you will feel better. But like someone else said this is about you and your life. Do what you feel will help you. Good Luck!!

[sal]

Baby Melissa........."I didn't know it was missing until it was found"... is EXACTLY what I felt when I was reunited with my bmother, bsiblings, and extended bfamily. I'm not sure if I was protecting myself from admitting that I didn't just want them in my life... I NEEDED them.. or not but it took me 48 years to get to the point where I finally gave myself permission to search for answers. I think I wouldn't allow myself to miss them.........because it would have been too painful with no end in sight. I was adopted in the closed era of the 50's where the whispers of "those kind of girls" filled my ears... and at the same time my bmom was said to have loved me so much that she gave me a better life.. (talk about conflict!!!) I reunited with my bfamily before both of my aparents passed away and don't know how I would have survived those losses without them. My baby bbrother has always said that "things happen for a reason".....I wish you well in your reunion.......sal

[adoptionsearchblog2]

Please come visit our blog for lots of information about search and reunion. Our blogs are not just about how to search, but, include many of the "issues" involving search and reunion. I think you will find your worries about feeling guilty for wanting to search quite normal.

As others have said though, you have a right to know your own story, all of it. You had a life before you were adopted and that life too is part of who you are.

[Baby Melissa]

Hi Sal- I'm glad you can relate to that. I never expected to need my birth parents as much as I do now. We're still in the early stages of reunion, but I feel like a little kid who needs her mommy and daddy. They're not overly- dependant feelings, but I recognize that these needs are because I was not allowed to bond with them from the beginning. I felt guilty for having these feelings, like Roo originally questioned, but now I understand (thanks to tons of reading and this website) that this is the nature of the adopted child. Not the guilt, but the need to know about how we came to be. We DESERVE to know. And it's ok to find out. I wish everyone the best of luck with their search or their recovery. Take care, my friends.

[Nicole28]

I think most adopted people who want to search feel like that!

Have you begun searching yet?


Nicole

[Outfishn]

I was terrified of hurting my aparents feelings, especially my amother. I lucked out, my bmom found me. Honestly I don't think I would of sought her out.

It did forever change the dynamics of my afamily after I finally told them but it's O.K., we are all (myself, afamily, bfamily) much healthier. Small steps.

This is a great site you're right. There are so many people with like questions and stories. You are so normal.

Keep posting, there are many encouraging, experienced
people here to guide you through the grey areas.