[Sunnylove]

I wrote a letter to my birthparents over 2months ago. The letter to my birthfather came back to me saying that it was the address and no forwarding address is available...dead end there. However, at the same time I mailed out a letter to the woman I think may be my birthmother and still have not received a response from her. Should I try writing again or try calling her? I don't want to be pushy but I also need to know if this woman is my mother. I also have some health problems and I know she had similar ones. I have some questions for her about my medical history and need to get answers. What do you think? How much time should I let go by before I try contacting her again?

[Amya]

Hi there.

I'm in a similar situation. On December 7, I mailed a letter to a woman I am 99% sure is my birth mother and I still haven't heard a peep. My letter was brief - I figured it would probably freak her out a bit (my mom somehow managed to get a hold of most of the Top Secret (circa 1972) identifying information on my birth parents and, from what I read, my birth mother seemed pretty in denial as to her pregenancy, even more so as to my actual birth.) Basically I stated who I am, my status (single, employed, good upbringing, happy...) and what I was intesreted in (my medical history and either talking with her or even meeting If she was interested in that) I also made it pretty clear that I would understand that this might be shocking for her and that she might not wish to reopen this probably closed part of her life but that it would be very important for me to at least hear even that from her. - sorry this is a long, not very well-formed sentence. Anyway, I am finding this frustrating and imagine that you are perhaps feeling that way as well. Unfortunately I do not have any solid advice to offer you as I am still passively contemplating my next move - I am inclined to just go to her house (she lives only about a 20 bike ride from my apartment in San Francisco) but I do not wish to make her feel stalked or anything. I just fail to understand how someone can not respond - although I am keeping it in mind that I have had my entire life to think about this and lots of people to dicuss it with and she may have buried the entire thing so deeply that , well - may we both need to give it some more time?
Some time has passed since your post, I wonder have you thought about re-sending the letter - or perhaps you have by now. In any event, I do hope you find some resloution - preferable the kind you are looking for.

Amy

[Shubs32]

I too have recently written a letter to the person I'm pretty sure is my birth mother. That was only 6 weeks ago, but it has certainly been a verrrrrrrry long six weeks. I have had the same temptation to jump in the car and drive the hour and-a-half over to her door, but have managed to keep my car in the driveway so far. I certainly don't want to come off as stalker material and make a delicate situation any worse, so for now I impatiently wait for the postman each day hoping that the SASE that I included with my letter returns home.

I'm not sure if it's too soon to send another letter, I've also considered sending it registered so I will know without a doubt that it has arrived to her.

Best of luck to you both.

[healingfeeling]

hey guys,


I sent a letter to my bdad on December 12...I'm fedexing my second letter today!!!

I did a letter writing class with Christi (reunion coach) and my letter came out sooooooooooo awesome! The process of writing the letter was also very therepeutic for me because you learn how to plead your case without asking for much and withouth making assumptions on how they feel.

I have a really good feeling about this letter and if you guys are interested Christi is well worth it...

pm me for more info or a copy of my letter

healingfeeling

p.s. GOOD LUCK, I'm praying with you guys

[LouiseT]

I hope you all find what you are looking for.
Just a thought though - if your birth parents truly don't want to be found, no amount of great letter writing will change that.
I'm an adoptee too, so I know where you all are coming from. Just know that you may end up dealing with some rejection. Especially if your birthparents have not shared their adoption experience with their current family, etc. Getting letters sent special courier may end up causing a problem between them and their family, and that may filter down to you.
Just my two cents.
Again I wish you all the best and hope you find what you need.

[healingfeeling]

Hi Louise,

I think we ALL have a major sense of rejection...but if we don't take the chance then we risk having that void for the rest of our lives...at least rejection is a response.

Even the letter writing, as I said, can be therepeutic. But I agree that privacy is important. Fortuneately I know that my bdad's whole family knows about me...I was around for at least 2 years as a baby.

Thanks for popping on to give us the reality check,

healingfeeling

[LouiseT]

Very true Healingfeeling. I hope he responds to you.
All the best.

[sspete]

When I hear of situations such as this it just breaks my heart!!!!

As a bmother who would do ANYTHING to get my bdaughter to acknowledge me....I just don't understand!!!

However, It does take some bmothers awhile to let the idea of reunion sink in. My advice would be NOT to give up. Send letters about once a month or every six weeks just to see if you get a response. It can be very shocking to the party being contacted, and they may not know how to respond. There could also be factors surrounding your birth that they are not prepared to face(yet anyway).

I know it is tough but patience is a virtue!!! Do your best to give them space, But let them know you are interested. Be prepared for anything though....You never know what you might find when reuniting!!!

My thoughts and prayers are with each of you trying to find your bmom!!!

Staci

[evildishrag]

My advice is to wait six months. Seriously. I know in "reunion time" that seems like 10 years but the last thing you want to do is pressure these people you've contacted. You have no idea what's going on in their lives at the moment and should consider how busy December is for most people.

[JPDakota]

I can sure understand needing health information. That can be a big deal with certain conditions.
But....I think we ALL have a major sense of rejection...but if we don't take the chance then we risk having that void for the rest of our lives...at least rejection is a response. I don't think we can say ALL. I certainly don't.

[Amya]

I am finding all this input to be quite reassuring/ helpful. Thank you for your input.

[irisheyes33]

Just to add my two cents really quickly...my birthmother was contacted initially by an intermediary (the Salvation Army, via Booth Records Service) and did not want contact, though I was told she was not angry. At that time I did not know her name or where she was because SA would not give me that information. I rolled the dice and decided to contact her on my own - very risky, I realize. I sent her a letter with no response. I decided to look for her sister (my aunt) who the SA told me had been very supportive during her pregnancy, and by an absolute miracle, found her, called her on the phone, and had an overwhelmingly positive response. She had no idea I had been trying to contact my birthmother for the last two years. She was able to act as an intermediary between my birthmother and I until she was ready to come around. Now my birthmother and I are extremely close with daily contact via phone or email even though she lives across the country. We have even had 4 face to face meetings already.

Interestingly enough, what was holding my birthmother back in fear was my parents. She didn't know if I had "permission" from them to search (which I did). She felt that she had made an agreement with my parents to butt out of my life forever and didn't have a right to interfere. The letter I sent directly to her that she didn't respond to was similar to others that have been described here (sounded very sane, not too long, asking for medical information, telling her I was sorry if I had shocked her or if she felt cornered, etc.) She took it as if she was merely an idle curiosity and didn't think I wanted to pursue any kind of lasting relationship and she couldn't handle the idea of that either. Kind of a different perspective, but something to think about as far as what kinds of emotions might possibly be running thorough her head.

Regardless, best of luck to all of you "in waiting". I know very well what that feels like...it's awful...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But miracles can happen. I searched for 17 years and then waited for 2 more once I had "found". Those 2 years felt like 50 years. But it was more than worth the wait in my case.

[cravalynn]

yes call her...Do not stop.I am a birth mother and i would want you to call,maybe something went wrong there too,and she isn't even aware...
Good luck hang in there..
Cravalynn

[Nicole28]

What's the update?? Have you heard anything from birthfather or birthmom??

Christi's e-newsletter is a great resource for all adoptees whether they are interested in reunion or not.

Keep us in the loop!

Nicole

[carolynppk]

Depending on the era, I know my bmom felt the same way. She would never hurt my parents for anything in the world. SHe did not want to be disrespectful in any way. As she said, she knew how she would feel if someone came to her door and said, "I'm your child's mom and want to see them." She said she would feel fiercely protective. So my bmom has been very protective of my amom, as she knows my amom is almost 83 years old. I think for those form a closed era, there is a lot to digest, especially when they have been told these are not your children and you must forget them. Give it time and I think the idea of every six months or so to drop a line. You have no idea of what is going on in your bmom's life. Had I tried a couple of years earlier, my grandfather had cancer and I know my bmom could not have dealt with that and everything that goes with reunion. Good luck and I hope things go well.


Carolyn