[Donald1968]

was adopted in the UK in 1968. My mother was age 24 and cared for me for the first 2 weeks of my life. When I reached 14 I became curious about my roots and when I was 17 I obtained my original birth certificate. My search became rather arduous and tiime consuming (this was before the internet etc)! I kept coming up against brick walls. I eventually traced my mother's uncle and visited him. He gave me some photo's and said that he hadn't seen the family since 1964 after the tragic death of his sister (my mother's mother). I later found out that she committed suicide. My mother had a boyfriend and her mother fell in love with him. She felt so guilty that she committed suicide. I eventually traced my mother's father. He told me that he hadn't had any contact with her since she was pregnant with me when she had an argument with him over some money from a family business. Apparently her mother left everything in her will to my mother and nothing to him. He also re-married to someone who was not much older than my mother. The last time she saw him she told him that she was pregnant and that he was never going to see her grandson. Up until his death in 2000 I enjoyed a good relationship with him. He was able to tell me a little about who I believed was my birth dad (his name wasn't on the birth certificate). After several years of hard work I gave up as I kept coming up against brick walls. In 1994 I managed to trace my birth dad who gave me some photo's of my mother. He said that she wasn't a maternal sort and never wanted a baby. The plan was always adoption. He told me that she had developed a good relationship with his parents (bearing in mind her mother was dead and she wasn't talking to her father) and continued to stay in touch with them until 1980. He was able to give me an address in the USA where she went to start a new life several years after my birth. She married an American who was 16 years her senior and they lived first in Montana, then California and finally Oregon. They owned a couple of restaurants together and moved around a lot. After lots f hard work and determination I tracked her down in 1995. I wrote several discrete letters to her but got no reply. Eventually I couldn't stand the waiting and obtained the number of her restaurant and phoned. I was stupid to tell a member of her staff who I was (I don't know if she told her). I said that I would phone back later and asked if she could be available. When I phoned she said who she was and said that I had the wrong person and put the phone down. I was devastated. I wrote several letters over the coming months explaining my pain and pleading with her but heard nothing. I gave up around 1996 and wrote no more until 2001. I still heard nothing. More recently I decided to see where she was living and through a website obtained her PO box number which she uses. I also discovered that in 2000 she was the driver of a car which crashed and which her husband was killed. I then came across a photo of her getting married to a woman in a gay marriage ceremony. I got her address (but haven't written to that). I have been in contact with someone in Oregon (a birth mother) who has acted as a go between. I have posted letters to her and she has posted them to the PO Box number. She has also enclosed a note with her address etc and a little about her story. I did this as I live in the UK and wasn't sure if she would read my letters once she saw where they came from. I have sent 2 letters this year. In the letters I have tried to focus on her feelings and not my own. I have emphasised how brave she was to give me up etc and how I respect her for that. I have also told her that my life has been ok and that I had a good upbringing. I think that previously my letters may have been more about me. I also emphasised that she was important to me and I was determined never to give up on her. Yesterday she phoned my friend in Oregon and left a message on her answerphone. She apparently sounded very short and to the point but a little scared and frustrated. She said that she didn't want any phone calls, letters or Dvd's (I had mentioned in my letter that I was going to send her a dvd of me and my family). I intended to record my feelings on it and also include some footage of when I was a baby on it too. She also said in the message that she owed no explanation to my friend. My friend phoned her later in the day and spoke to her calmly. She asked about medical history (which is one of the things I am interested in) She said that her mother committed suicide when she was young and she hasn't spoken to her dad since she was 22. She said that she felt like I was intruding and that she just wants to get on with her life. My friend told her her story and she listened. My friend described her as being silent. Shhe then said that she had to go as she has people here and said thanks and goodbye.


I see this as being positive. She has at least acknowledged me now and she knows that I can get her phone number. I feel that her pain is deeply associated with the loss of her mother which is one of the reasons she couldn't keep me without having a mother figure she may have felt unable to be one herself. I also think that she hasn't told her partner. I am hoping that she will crack and open up? What should I do? I look forward to any helpful suggestions. Many thanks

[friendonthepath]

First of all, I'm new here and I'm not an expert, I have not read many books, all I can give you is MY perspective on not wanting contact.

I was found by my bmom and felt (still feel) very invaded and almost violated by it. I forced myself, out of guilt, to go along with the reunion (for over 3 years) and it was a disaster, because I was not (still am not) a willing participant.

From your post, it looks like you've done everything you can to establish contact. Now the ball is in her court. There's nothing more you can do here. She has made her position clear. If you keep pushing, she may feel you are not respecting her decisions.

She may change her mind about meeting you. She may not.

I would suggest you stop reaching out to her and start working on healing yourself. Even if she does come around and decide to talk to you--those issues will still be there. You'll still need to work on them.

I would suggest finding an adoption support group and/or a licensed therapist (who is very experienced with adoptee issues) and start working on yourself.

I have found that as adoptees we have certain issues that cannot be healed by bmom. The good news is that we have the strengths inside to work on those wounds WITHOUT bmom--and at least reach a stage of acceptance and peace.

I wish you all the best.

[Montraviatommyg]

Donald,

Just give her time as it's not an easy thing to deal with particularly with the era you was born in. Even as late as the early '80's when my son was born women were told to forget about their child, get on with their lives and that they would have more. I know from my own experience I could never forget my son even though I got on with my life and I haven't had other children though not from choice. Since Aug 2004 I have been in reunion with my son which hasn't always been easy but we both wanted this.

There are no guarantees in this life so it's worth continuing to post here for support.

Pip

[ChristiBender]

Donald... I think that Friend on the Path may have some merit to speak and be listened to here... as she is an unwilling participant (or was) in a reunion.

Part of risking contact is risking rejection. And, part of being compassionate toward the other person (and ourselves) to be willing to accept their decision.

She has acknowledged you, that is true. She has also plainly through word and deed explained that she does not wish to have contact with you. That is very hard to hear.... heartbreaking in most cases.... but it appears to be the truth.

I believe that adoption reunions are all about us finding ourselves. For many adoptees they believe that through acceptance by their birthparent they will come to accept themselves. This is sometimes true, and sometimes not.

In your situation your bmom does not want contact. There is no way to know the future, but I feel that her wishes should be respected. I think that people do change their minds in life... but not quickly in most cases. Perhaps reach out to hear in an annual christmas card or something like that... simply with your contact information should she want to use it.

Learning about you is possible with or without her. and, since you had contact with her family members for some years I am assuming that you did gain certain insights into her life, medical history and background. Part of that information is what you would have wanted from her, right?

It is important to recognize when you ARE or HAVE received that which you have wanted.

The task at hand now seems to be moving forward... Are you willing to accept her at her word and work on your own healing??? I hope so. This is a great place with many inspired members. Please continue to write and share your thoughts and feelings.

We are here for you.

[aura]

You have been given some great advice here and I know this can't be easy for you. Please realize if you push for something she is not ready for or willing to do you stand a chance at losing her for good, are you willing to take that chance? I agree that reaching out to her at Christmas with a card containing your contact information is a good idea, that way she won't feel pushed and if she reaches a point in her life where she is ready for contact with you she will have your current info and know how to reach you. Take this time and heal yourself, learn all you can from the other people here and hopefully one day she will be ready to reach out to you. There are alot of great people here and we would like to hear your thoughts and feelings as Christi said. I hope you stay with us!

[snuffie]

Hi Donald,
I am an adoptee who, like you, always always wanted to find my bmom and bfamily. At times it becomes almost an obsession doesn't it? And at others it is something we can put away and not think about but it is always lurking near the surface.

I guess I have to agree with the others. It is a difficult lesson to learn that we can't make others do or feel like we would like them to feel. I learned this the hard way too from a bcousin. I was soo excited to find her and she was horrible to me.

The number one thing, as the others have stated, is to deal with your feelings and issues first. Read much both here on the forums and there are many wonderful books available too. After that "work" is done it is much easier to be objective and to gain perspective.

My bmom refused contact with me through an agency some years ago and years later, when I found out who she was, it was too late as she had passed away. I reunited with my bsisters and bbrothers and I have gained so much insight on my bmom. It seems that she never ever forgot me from some of the things my bsibs have told me, even though they didn't know about me.

As hard as it is, I would give it some time. Patience is so difficult but it may give your bmom time to sort through her very real, very raw emotions and may mean the difference between happiness or driving your bmom farther away.

Please keep us posted and if we can help in any way - please let us know!

Hugs
Snuffie

[ChristiBender]

Snuffie... I am very sorry to hear that you were never able to know your bmom personally. But, I am thrilled to hear that you have met your siblings and through their memories you are learning about your mom and your past.

Our knowledge can come from many sources, eh?? And in the end we all have our own unique path. To think that it would have been better any other way is to argue with the reality of it all. We wish, we hope, we pray..... and in the end if we can accept the gifts in the packages that we DO have and CAN access there is great wisdom to be found.

I am happy for you.... really. Thank you for sharing and offering your support here.

[snuffie]

Thanx Chisti!