[friendonthepath]

Hi, strange way to introduce myself but I guess that's how I feel.

I feel very alone and need to vent, I hope that's ok.

To summarize my story (while staying vague because I would not want to hurt any would-be-reading-this birth half siblings), I am an almost 40-years-old adoptee who was tracked down by my bmother and her family a few years ago.

Contrary to most posters I've read, I did not search, nor did I want to be found.

My parents raised me as their own and I was pretty satisfied with my life. At this stage in my life, I had pretty much resolved (or so I thought), issues that I had about being adopted. I am happily married and have a daughter of my own.

All of a sudden, my biological mother calls me, out of the blue. At first, I experience a (very) brief period of joy. Joy at finding out I have half-siblings, joy at seeing pictures of people who kind of look like me, joy at understanding where my natural talents come from, relief at understanding where my illnesses come from and which ones to look out for.

Unfortunately, this joy is immediately replaced by intense pain.

As I write this, I have had an on-off long-distance relationship with my bmom and her family for three years, and a face-to-face reunion last year.

As I write this, I have come to the conclusion that I will always experience pain when I am around these people. Pain, anxiety, anger and emotional exhaustion.

The situation is complicated by the fact that persons of that family struggle with depression and chronic illnesses and so do I.

Quite simply I do not have the energy, nor the emotional reserves, to continue this relationship.

It is hurting me and I want it to stop.

Have any of you experienced this?

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by friendonthepath

Quite simply I do not have the energy, nor the emotional reserves, to continue this relationship.

It is hurting me and I want it to stop.

Have any of you experienced this?

My father .. my bsons grandfather has passed away.. My bson and I have a distant relationship.. He phones and I send gifts..
I have a very difficult time when he phones.. I .. like you.. do not have the emotional reserves to get emotionally intense with him..

I have to phone him to tell him about my dad.. I keep putting it off..

So I do understand.. I understand from another part of the triangle..

Jackie

[friendonthepath]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

So I do understand.. I understand from another part of the triangle..

Jackie

Thanks for the response Jackie. I thought this was an adoptee phenomena. I didn't realize it could happen to other members of the triad as well.

How long have you been in contact? Does it get any easier?

[Montraviatommyg]

Although I do have a good reunion with my son it's has been difficult at times as well as having a dysfuntional family. My son found my family (in about 1999/2000) before I found him (Aug 2004)...long story why they didn't tell him where I was but enough said that I haven't spoken to my sister since early 1999. My son still talks to my dad but hasn't spoken to my mum since 2001 as she doesn't want to talk to him. He has had contact with my sister but by the sound of it it's been a while since the last contact. Of my three nieces he got on best with the middle one but hasn't had contact with her for a long or with the others for that matter. My in-laws on the other hand have accepted him although only one of my in laws and her husband have met him.

I suffer with depression which my son knows about but accepts and knows I'm dealing with it now thanks to a sensible doctor who listened to me and took me seriously. At times last year I went for a while of feeling I couldn't cope with reunion but since I've had proper help I can now.

Reunion doesn't work for everybody though for various reasons so I do believe you should do what's best for you. If this means pulling away completely or pulling back for a while do it for your own health as much as anything.

Pip

[friendonthepath]

Originally Posted by FH-Montraviatommyg

I suffer with depression which my son knows about but accepts and knows I'm dealing with it now thanks to a sensible doctor who listened to me and took me seriously. At times last year I went for a while of feeling I couldn't cope with reunion but since I've had proper help I can now.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I'm glad you found a doctor who can help you. Depression and chronic illness are affecting key players on both sides of the equation. I have no doubt that this creates extra challenges in an already strained situation.

Reunion doesn't work for everybody though for various reasons so I do believe you should do what's best for you. If this means pulling away completely or pulling back for a while do it for your own health as much as anything.

Pip

Yes this has been my conclusion. I feel enourmous guilt and sadness about it, but at this point, it's all that I can do.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by friendonthepath

How long have you been in contact? Does it get any easier?

We have been in contact for more than five years.. We do have nice conversations when he does phone.. We laughed the last time he called.. All is well between us.. basically.

But he is so like my dad.. He is in the same kind of career my dad was in.. I am not really comfortable with him.. I can not call him and talk about my dad.. yet..

I see folks on here who are trying real hard to make the connection.. I do not reply in those threads.. because I can not become emotionally vulnerable with him.. or about him.. I can write about it ad nausaum.. but to actually do it.. no way..
I have done therapy and I have done a lot of self help.. but he and I were separated when he was born.. that is a fact.. His life went on a path that I was not on.. that I can not get on..

And I do not think it is just me.. I love email.. and I love connecting through email.. he does not.. one of the male adoptees who post here posted something very important to me the other day.. he said he feels emails are more emotional to him.. and I thought ahhhh the bson..

So I know I have accepted all of this and have moved on..

You wrote it so beautifly for me..
“As I write this, I have come to the conclusion that I will always experience pain when I am around these people. Pain, anxiety, anger and emotional exhaustion.”

I do not think we have to do things we do not want to do.. just because others are doing it.. Heck when I gave my son up that is the kind of thinking that separated us.. Maybe..

Jackie

[marimari]

Jackie...I am sorry to hear that your dad passed.
Am I understanding correctly that the similarities between him and your son are what keeps you somewhat distant from your son?
At the end of the day, we have to be true to ourselves...listen to what our heart tells us in regard to these reunion relationships. they require a lot of work, and as Jackie has said in other posts, we have to be willing to our own work and pay attention. It's a committment in any relationship to help make sure it works, if we so desire. If we know that we aren't willing or able to give to it, it is best to be honest. It's probably OK to keep the door open somewhat, in case one finds that they are more ready, more willing and able. Things change, we change, too.

[cin1boz]

There's so much to learn, so much to experience. I read your letter and I believe in timing. It might've not been the right time for you, but I'm sure on their part, they were anxious about you. The more I read, the more I try to prepare for what's in store in my future. Seems like being an adoptee you prepare for a lot of things, and fret. But we cannot control everything. I did search, and did find my birth family after 25 years. It was an emotional time for me in that way. I discovered my birth mother alive, 90 years old, and two siblings, a older brother and an older sister. I was the one relinquished. I did have a very good adoptive home. My birth sister did not, my brother was raised by his g'ma, a little bit better for him. We all grew up differently. I was fortunate to have been adopted. I won't be really close to my birth mother, but there is some contact. I do like the fact that I have family history from her. I was able in this stage of her life to relieve her of some guilt, telling her I had a good life growing up, and that was important to me to tell her she made a good choice, and to her it was a good thing too. I did bond pretty quick to my brother. I was going to keep it down-key, my finding him because I didn't think we'd be that involved. I have adoptive brothers, and wondered how they would deal with all this, that was stressful for me. As it turned out they were happy for me. The more we attached, the more I realized how much I love him and want him at functions concerning weddings, birthdays, etc. He lives in another state, but have had visits and regular e mails weekly. My sister was raised by our birth mother and unfortunately carried the brunt of my birth mothers actions. But she tries to do right and is caring and sweet. I wouldn't think of anything but having her in my life. I've met cousins, uncles and aunts. My mother, birth, was the black sheep of the family, an odd duck. It is emotionally draining to us and you have to decide whats good for you. No judgements. I know timing was it for me. Plus a desire. At my age, (middle) I appreciate finding them. They are all at a place where they do too. If we'd found each other earlier, I don't know if it would have worked. Everyone was going through their own lives, troubles, etc, but now it seems we're settled. I'm connecting with them, but everyone is different. The blessing is that my page in life is no longer a "blank page". No matter, the good and the bad, it's not blank and that is very cool to me. I hope you find your way.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by marimari

Jackie...I am sorry to hear that your dad passed.
Am I understanding correctly that the similarities between him and your son are what keeps you somewhat distant from your son?
.

I think its his way of life.. He lives on the edge the way my dad did.. Takes chances that scare the living daylights out of me.. and I am so very different.. I turned my back on that way of life..

I can remember once when my dad and I went to one of those executive job places.. in Florida.. I was supposed to be high powered and fake it.. I was as scared as a person can get..
Its all lies.. Its all working other people in order to earn a living..

I can not do that any more.. when I lost my bson.. when I walked away from my bson.. I went back to that life.. That executive life in which faking it was the prime directive..
“Who are you?’… “I am a fashion artist.” “I am an airline stewardess..”
Oh goodie!!!!!

When he visited my dad.. my dad said to him..”What is your product?”..my bson grinned and told him.. so similar..

Maybe that is my big anger.. He should have known his grandfather. But I am the one who messed it up.. I am the one who had a baby out of wedlock.. out of the executive world.. The I am better than you world..

I can not face that wall.. I do not have the emotional stamina..

But I will call him.. I have found his cell phone number.. Dad passed on two weeks ago.. I intend to join your thread soon and tell everyone.. But right now I like to sit in the edge of this place.. coming and going to distract..


Jackie

[friendonthepath]

Hi and thanks for sharing your story,

Originally Posted by cin1boz

There's so much to learn, so much to experience. I read your letter and I believe in timing. It might've not been the right time for you, but I'm sure on their part, they were anxious about you.

Yes, I think you're right.

Originally Posted by cin1boz

I won't be really close to my birth mother, but there is some contact. I do like the fact that I have family history from her. I was able in this stage of her life to relieve her of some guilt, telling her I had a good life growing up, and that was important to me to tell her she made a good choice, and to her it was a good thing too.

Yes, I was happy to do that for bmom as well.

Originally Posted by cin1boz

I did bond pretty quick to my brother. I was going to keep it down-key, my finding him because I didn't think we'd be that involved. I have adoptive brothers, and wondered how they would deal with all this, that was stressful for me. As it turned out they were happy for me. The more we attached, the more I realized how much I love him and want him at functions concerning weddings, birthdays, etc. He lives in another state, but have had visits and regular e mails weekly.

My half siblings are not mature enough to have a relationship with me at this stage. It has all been very difficult for them.

Originally Posted by cin1boz

It is emotionally draining to us and you have to decide whats good for you. No judgements. I know timing was it for me. Plus a desire. At my age, (middle) I appreciate finding them. They are all at a place where they do too. If we'd found each other earlier, I don't know if it would have worked. Everyone was going through their own lives, troubles, etc, but now it seems we're settled.

Yes, at this stage in my life, I have enough crisis on my plate--I really cannot handle more.

Originally Posted by cin1boz

I'm connecting with them, but everyone is different. The blessing is that my page in life is no longer a "blank page". No matter, the good and the bad, it's not blank and that is very cool to me. I hope you find your way.

I'm glad things worked out for you

[Umbilical child]

Hi ya, I can relate to this topic and feel for you...I am reunited with my natural mum and recently natural dad...they live half way around the world from me and the distance makes things very difficult...it takes a lot of energy to sustain any kind of progressive relationship and at times focus wanes and contact is disrupted. I have been reunited with natural mum for 15 years now, there have been long periods of time that we didn't communicate...there were other times we felt the need to keep in touch every week or so...Meeting someone who is a stranger in many ways and in many ways not is a freaky thing to have to deal with...I truly believe that we will spend our whole lives dealing with it...there is no place of absolute acceptance but I prefer to view the relationship as one that is forever growing. Take time out if you need it and I am sure you will get recharged and able to slowly bond....J

[friendonthepath]

Hi and thanks for your insight.

Originally Posted by Umbilical child

Meeting someone who is a stranger in many ways and in many ways not is a freaky thing to have to deal with...

Thank you, yes!

Originally Posted by Umbilical child

Take time out if you need it and I am sure you will get recharged and able to slowly bond....J

Yes, that's what I've told her, that I needed to take a break.

[Umbilical child]

Hey take care, and look after yourself. Time heals a lot of things so too does timeout. Just try and understand both sides but ultimately you are responsible for your well being and happyness and don't sell that short. My natural mum and I are o'k with each other but it has taken a long time with both of us having issues. 3 or so years is a short time to absorb 40 years of emotion, give yourself some more time.....xxx j

[ripples]

Ever since I reunited with 2 of my birth siblings, I find that I fluctuate between a variety of intense and painful emotions. Apparently these sorts of intense, emotionally painful reactions are quite common amongst people who've undergone reunion. I found the "Stages of Reunion" blurb on this web site very useful to help me understand that what I'm going through is normal and that I'm not alone (go to "Reunite|Reunion|Stages of Reunion" for more details).

I, too, felt that everything in my life was fine until I embarked on the reunion. Now, to my surprise, I've discovered that there are a lot of buried emotions in me and I'm finding ways to somehow slowly embrace them, to allow myself space to experience them fully without hurting others. As painful as this journey is currently, I feel that in time I'll feel better by addressing my buried feelings.

Good for you for acknowledging that currently you don't have the energy or the emotional reserves. Post-reunion journeys can be exhausting and draining - I'm sure that many of us, including me, can relate to what you've said. Whatever you choose to do, please allow yourself space to take care of yourself.

[Raina0831]

I tried to read the "Stages of reunion" and kept getting a message indicating that I don't have permission to access that page...strange. anyway, I found this and thought I would share.

*The 5 Stages of Reunion*

From the book "BIRTHRIGHT," by Jean A.S. Strauss







1.) FANTASY:

This begins at a very young age for the adoptee. Fantasies are hard to avoid when there's so little info to go on; some are positive, some negative. Fantasies are not limited to the adoptee; bmoms have them. Conscious awareness of fantasies are limited and may not surface until long after reunion is underway.
Key: Fantasies are forever changed and altered by the realities of stage #2....First Encounters.



2.) FIRST ENCOUNTERS:Every encounter is different; most are civil; it's a highly charged time of massive amounts of shared information; questions are finally answered; people ride on a euphoric high for days or weeks or months; but after all the questions are answered, then what? Who are we to each other? Where do we go from here? How do I incorporate you into my life? The third phase of the reunion begins with these questions.



3.) THE MORNING AFTER:First encounters can be super intimate, but when everything settles down, bfamily members can find themselves feeling as if they've just slept with a total stranger. In the roller coaster ride analogy, this is the *big drop down* and is unexpected. Bfamily members are blood relations, but socially and experientially strangers to each other. Differences are discovered and magnified (backgrounds, memories, values, religions, beliefs, etc.). This stage can have varying lengths depending on the individuals involved. It's a time of examining expectations and struggling with defining the new relationships being formed. Feelings are confusing, complicated and surprising. These emotions can escalate and become overwhelming and paralyzing. When this happens, people often put up walls and back away. This begins stage four: Limbo.

4.) LIMBO:



It's one side who pulls away, leaving the other side to "tread on eggs" wondering what's happening; adoptee or bmom can step back, but it's rare for both to want distance; many, many issues are at the forefront. Key: When a person chooses limbo, what is really going on? Processing. Person needs time to sort out new emotions, work through the past, decide what he/she wants to have happen, set boundaries and define the relationship. Making demands on the person choosing limbo for a greater, closer relationship may only serve to widen the gap between adoptee and bmom.



5.) RECONCILIATION:Final stage without a definitive starting point; can start years after the first encounter; this is a solitary experience. Bmom and adoptee confront issues, deal with losses, and move on. Decisions are made about how the new person will be assimilated; choice may be made to have an ongoing relationship or continue on alone. Problems arise when the two sides choose different paths. This phase is continual and includes setting goals.
>From the 1994 NY Triad Conference



Possible Adoptee Fears

• 1. That they will find their birth mother deceased.
  2. That they will be rejected.
  3. That their adoptive parents will be devastated and not understand why they are searching and that he/she will not be able to share with them or will be rejected by them.
  4. That they are a secret and their birth mother will not acknowledge their existence to herself or her family.
  5. That they will not meet the expectations of their birth mother.
  6. That the birth family will be needy (it doesn't expound on whether they mean emotionally needy or monetarily needy)
  7. That the birth mother will not be truthful.
  8. That the birth mother will not understand his/her life problems.
  9. That the timing or method of contact will not be right.
  10. That they will hurt their adoptive or birth family by saying the wrong thing.
  11. That they will find out negative things about their birth and surrender.
  12. That they will have to give up their fantasies.

Possible Birth Parent Fears

• 1. That their child has not been told he/she is adopted.
  2. That the child is not alive.
  3. That they will be rejected by their child, lack of understanding.
  4. That they will be rejected by the adoptive parents.
  5. Indifference.
  6. That the birth father will be given more credit than due him or recieves more attention than the birth mother.
  7. That they will find a sickly child.
  8. That they will find an unfavorable situation.
  9. That the separation pain and anxiety will never go away.
  10. That the adoptive parents' needs will come before the birth parents' needs.
  11. That an "older" placement child's reaction to being surrendered will be negative memories of time together and then separation.
  12. That they will be hurt their child by coming back into his/her life.
  13. That something "bad" will happen to her present children.
  14. That there will be punishment.
  15. That they will hurt the adoptee or adoptive parents by saying the wrong thing.
  16. That they will not live up to their child's expectations.
  17. That their child will not understand the reasons for their surrender.
  18. That the search will be unsuccessful.

Possible Adoptive Parents Fears

• 1. That they will lose their child to the birth parents.
  2. That the birth family will be younger and more attractive to their child.
  3. That they or their children will be rejected.
  4. That the birth parent is deceased.
  5. That the birth parent has a problematic lifestyle.
  6. That the birth parent will have trouble accepting the adoptees problems.
  7. That the adoptee will "act out" towards the birth parent.
  8. That the reunion will be harmful for everyone.
  9. That they will be blamed for the adoptees problems.
  10. That they won't live up to the birth parents expectations.
  11. That the birth parents will have health problems or be "needy".
  12. That there will be a lack of honesty. 13. That they will hurt the birth parents by saying the wrong thing.
  14. That there will be no commitment to ongoing relationships.
  15. That the timing of the reunion will not be good.
  16. That the search will be negative.
  17. That the adoptee will feel guilty and/or responsible for the birth parents problems.
  18. That the adoptee will not share the reunion with them.
  19. That the birth parent will take a minor child.