[Royalcav1024]

I have been reunited with my birthfamily now for almost 2 years. We have had our ups and downs but I have been very blessed in that they want a very open relationship with me. I have a very open door. I have 3 half siblings and what I cant sort out is how ok is it to love them as if they are my own siblings.

I grew up an only child with 4 stepbrothers, only 1 of which i am remotely close too. I always wanted little siblings. Now I feel like I have them, but they live miles away and are 15 - 18 years younger than I. I visited them over winter break and I had the time of my life. I felt like I was home, but then I felt horrible for thinking that. I love my mom, dad and stepdad.

Upon returning to school (college) I felt out of place. I want to refer to my half siblings as my brothers and sister. But when I do I almost feel like I am betraying my family that has been there for me my whole life. Yet I love those three little children more than I ever though I could love anyone in my life. I try and try to find a place for them in my communication style that allows me to show my love for them without offending my family but this is proving difficult. I will graduate very soon and part of me wants to find a job in florida so that I can be near them while they are growing up. But I know this would just kill my mom. I feel so torn. Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you sort it out?

[Emily358]

I've been through it, but I still haven't sorted it out. So I guess I'm writing to tell you you're not alone.

I'm glad you have the open door. I have what I'd call a partially open door with bdad, and I have chosen to close the door with bmom.

My bdad has no kids, but my bmom has two sons. I'm not in contact with her, but I would like to be with her (adult) sons. We email sporadically, but it's hard, because of the situation with bmom. In the case of your bbrothers, I say go for it as far as a relationship is concerned! You may not end up living there, but you can always invite them to visit once you have your own place. I wish I had more with my bbrothers, and I hope that someday I will.

I don't know what to call them either, so I use the term half-brother. That bugs me, because it sounds as though they are not whole people! Yet if I call them brothers, I feel it's an insult to my abrother. Biobrothers makes them sound like they were created in a lab, and birthbrother sounds so, I don't know, cheesy, I guess.

I understand your feeling the need to balance the two families. I recently went to grad school, and even though my bfather's alma mater has an excellent program, I didn't even consider it because it would have hurt my parents. Yet at other times, I have kept pre-existing plans with him and skipped minor last-minute family events.

So I guess how I am still attempting to deal with it is that I make decisions on a case-by-case basis, always trying to balance things.

One silly, non-adoption related tip: be sure you visit Florida in the summer before you decide to live there. It's very different from the balmy breezes of the tourist season--more like an oven!

[sal]

I'm a reunited adoptee for almost 5 years now... (reunited at age 48).. I found 4 1/2 siblings that were also all adults.... It felt "funny" calling them brother and sister for just a bit.........then I told myself that they WERE siblings.......and I COULD love them... I don't think there ever can be too many people in one's life that you love or that love you... I knew growing up that I had another mother out there somewhere.....I guess that the possibility of siblings was there as well... (just the reality of an adoptee).. I think that life is short... having love in one's life is one of the most important things to have. I hope that you can find that you CAN enjoy having those siblings in your life.......and that you CAN love them the way that you want to......sal

[Royalcav1024]

Thank you both for your kind words and advice. If left to my own devices there is no doubt in my mind that I would simply refer to them as my brothers and sister. I do do this on many occassions, when around my friends anyway. I guess whats killing me right now is that they are all so young 2, 4, and 6, such a fun age. I want to be there for them as they reach milestones and the fact that I cant kills me. But it would kill me more if I ever did anything that would hurt my mom. And unfortunately she is so sensative on the whole thing that is very easy to do.

[blambdin]

I would call them your brothers and sister. My birthdaughter has said that she doesn't want contact. It kills me, however it hurts me more because I would love for her to at least know her three year old sister. (she is 32) I tell my daughter and stepdaughters (9 and 7) about their sister all the time. I don't know a thing about her except that I have loved her and thought about her for the last 32 years. As far as knowing your siblings more, you don't have to move there, just visit often. They will remember the times you made an effort to visit. As they grow older maybe they could visit you and your mom. She might like the idea of being a surrogate aunt?

[Royalcav1024]

Unfortunatly visiting often is not a possibility. They live in florida and I live in PA. Plane tickets are expensive. As for my mom becoming an aunt of sorts, lol that will never happen. My mom hates hearing anything about my biological family esp my birthmother and siblings. Going down at all this past break was a miracle. Thank you Orange Bowl, I had to go down as part of the media thats the only reason she let me go at all. In a year I will be on my own and she cant hold my tuition over me but untill then Im really caught in the middle. You sound just like my birthmom in what you want with your 32 year old daughter. It kills my birthmom that my mom wants nothing to do with her, but at least I want that contact. I'm considering maybe moving to Virginia a halfway point of sorts just to get a little closer and more in the middle of both of my lives. I just don't know I get so torn with wanting contact and relationships with my birthfamily and not wanting to betray my family. The adoptee in the middle is what I like to say.

[snuffie]

I like "The adoptee in the middle"! That describes so many of us.

In my case, my aparents had passed away before my reunion with my bsibs. But I found myself being cautious about showing my aparent's relatives my happiness though most were happy for me and understand.

We adoptees do have 2 families- that is just the nature of adoption. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone could view it as just more people to love?

It does sound like your amom feels "threatened" by your bfamily. That if you love them, you won't love her. Maybe just telling her how much you love her and that nothing will ever replace that would help?

In the end though, whether others understand or not we need to do for ourselves what makes us happy. Its not being selfish. It is taking care of our needs.

I am so happy that you found your bfamily. And what a joy to have little brothers and sisters! I always, always longed for that. Now I have 8! There is nothing like it in the world!

Enjoy your little siblings and the joy that goes with having them in your life. And know that you are not betraying your amom. You love her just as much as always. You are just adding more people to your heart.
Hugs
Snuffie

[ShrBear]

Hey there...I too, found my natural family, my bmother about 12 years ago, my bdad almost a year ago...I have a half brother with my bmom and a half sister with my bdad..I refer to both of them as "brother" and "sister" respectively. I have two adoptive brothers and an adoptive mom whom I am very close with. I told her about my journey and how important is was to me and she was afraid but supported me anyway. She and my bmom met, mom was very quiet but was there, (albeit afraid!) I have given my amom a lot of reassurance, although she never once asked for it. I think she trusted the process. (She said just a few months ago that she appreciated the reassurance...it came in handy to remember when she was feeling insecure.) All the time I was afraid of offending her or "making her feel uneasy"...there is NOTHING in this world that can make someone else feel a certain way...whatever your actions you choose with your newly found family members...(yes...your siblings!!!)...is your decision...think of how you will feel in years when you think to yourself, "Man, I miss those people, I took my mom's feelings into consideration...but not my own feelings and authentic needs". All I am saying is that with some reassurance, (ask your mom if she wants some)...and with some determination and tact, you can create this for yourself, and anyone that "gets hurt" in the process...they can choose how they feel...they determine what their feelings are going to be, how they are going to react. I can only hope that your mom will be supportive...be assertive with the situation and create this for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I have a very close relationship with my sister...half sister...I call her my sister...luckily I already live in the city where my natural family lives...all of them! My adoptive family is 3 hours away though...I just moved here with one of my intentions being to find my natural family.) I can relate when you say you felt like you were "home"...I also felt that way this past Christmas with my newly found father and auntie and sister, and cousins etc etc...(the list goes on!)

Enjoy them....they are family no matter what anyone says to you!!!!

(Sorry for the novel...I am very passionate about assertion and people owning their own feelings!!) Good luck!!

[reunionspouse]

Even though you are still in college and your sibs live far away you can use the good old snail mail.

We were reunited in 2004 with husbands bson. He and his family live 3000 miles away. Bdad and I have two kids.

In order to not spend too much money we send cards and pictures while the kids are little, a great way to keep in touch.

We also have a daughter in law and three grandchildren in our reunion family and send the platic photo books with pictures of our daily life and with our names printed on them, so everybody can remember our faces when we are not together.

It works great.

As they get older they will appreciate the effort you have made to be a part of their lives.

I already admire you willingness to do it. How mature you are.

Your amom needs lots of reassurance to accept that she now has to share you. It may takes lots of hugs from you for her to know she is not losing you.

Good luck, this is a great place to find support of all kinds.