[soulsearching]

I find myself wondering if the pain will ever end. I also find myself fearing it won't.

My birthmom, with whom I was reunited 2 years ago, did the right thing when she gave me up. That doesn't mean I don't regret her relinquishing me, but I have never blamed her in the sense that she did something wrong.

I was adopted by 2 physicians, the third of three adoptees in this family. My parent's split when I was about 3 and all three of us went into the custody of my mother - who, deep down, was pretty sick and abused us psychologically - to varying degrees.

The mind ****s were pretty harsh, although usually not malicious...usually.

The things that stand out in my memory are her 'suicide' attempts. I paraphrase the word suicide because I don't think she ever had the courage to really kill herself, but made me believe she was going to do it 2, maybe 3 times. Once she told me she was going to kill herself when I turned 18 - I think I was 14 or 15 when she told me that.

When you feel abandoned at your core, hearing that kind of stuff is pretty terrifying. And I don't mean "really big rollercoaster" terrifying, I mean you live in a state of terror that the only person that loves you wants to leave you kind of terrifying.

Ordinarily, I suppose I would reach a point where I would be able to let this stuff go - but I haven't...at least not yet. You see there is this little complication that gnaws at me. My mother is a mental health professional. There is a part of me that says, "she knew EXACTLY what she was doing" when she said those things. It's like she knew she was crushing my soul and took some perverse pleasure in it. I think I am unable to let go because of the depth of the cuts she inflicted.

I am a good person. For some reason, I have known all of my life that I am a gentle soul and also knew that was a good thing. I hate her for crushing - intentionally undermining - that gentle soul, which is so damaged today.

Finding my birthmother was, and is, healing. She is a kind person and has been very lovely to me and my wife and children. Her husband, who is not my biodad, has welcomed us with open arms, too. She has an adopted son (19) and a daughter (13) - who have also welcomed me with open hearts. But, as wonderful as that experience has been and continues to be, it does not close the wounds laid open by my mother. I went looking for answers, not my mother. Although the relationship I share with her is wonderful and we share a bond that goes beying mere friendship - my mother (adoptive) is my mother and that's that.

I tend to believe in magic. I believe in silver bullets, despite knowing they don't truly exist. Finding my birthmother was supposed to heal a part of my very soul that felt nothing but pain, but it didn't. I suppose that it didn't do that because no matter how hard it was to be given up by her, it wasn't the end all answer as to why I am sick to my soul. I think it's what happened after that that either *really* inflicted the damage - or was the final nail in the coffin...or something like that.

I sit here, 40 and unable to forgive my mother for the abuse she subjected me to and therefor, unable to move on - in a sense.

My wife is a lovely person, and I, in turn, subjected her to years of emotional negligence. I really didn't know that's what I was doing, and although our marriage is on shaky ground, it's not because she hasn't forgiven me or been supportive and understanding. My children are beautiful beyond words. My little boy is 3 and the perfect combination of rough little boy and gentle little soul with so much to give. My little girl is lovely, and as she nears 2 is reaching that point where she feels taken care of and therefore is becoming more loving and interactive everyday.

Everyday, I am an ******* to my wife and kids because a cancer of anger resides so very ****ing deep in my soul.

My mother lives a couple of hours away. Because she has been pretty nasty to my wife in the past, I usually take the kids to see her and give my wife some time off. Since I confronted her, she has been nicer to my wife, but we're still not to the point where my wife feels compelled to go for visits. Anyway, it's a lot of work when I go see my mother and step-father becuase they aren't *a lot* of help with the kids. They try, and do indeed help with the kids, but I really can't relax because a) I can't really relax around her and b) I have to not only handle the kids the whole time, but help her handle the kids with what she does. (It's hard to explain. It's a combination of not being a very warm person, being old, and not having been around toddlers for about 37 years.)

Anyway, I went for a visit and I had a little blow out with my mother 2 weeks ago. My son's earplug fell out while she was giving him a bath (he has tubes in his ears) and I reacted negatively to that. I wasn't really mad at her, I was just frustrated and she stated that there was no need to be "hysterical." I told her I would take care of the kids and even though we were supposed to stay another night, I grabbed all our stuff and left that night.

I guess it was a good thing in that I just said to myself "I am not willing to be around this stuff." I freely admit that I overreacted to the earplug, but being called hysterical by my mother was just too much. She just happens to be the person who taught me the art of overreaction and she doesn't appreciate that a) it's her **** fault I have to bring the kids by myself and b) that it's a lot of work. It's like going from 2 kids to 4 just by walking through a door. And, being called hysterical by my mother is a bit like being called a racist by the KKK - it's just beyind the pale.

So...here I sit. Forty years old with a marriage that might or might not make it. I feel compelled to get my kids around my mother as often as possible but I am pissed at her for putting me in that position because of her treatment of my wife AND I've got this permanent hairball of anger at her I've been trying to cough up for years and I just can't seem to get it all the way out. And being around her just isn't fun.

It's funny...I think my hanging onto the anger has reached the point of being a choice. It's like a cancer patient who smokes - I chose not to give it up even though I know it's killing me.

Things have been better of late. My wife and I have really been making an effort to be better to one another and it hasn't been forced - most of the time. I really do love her and want it to work out, but unlike this thing, it's not all my choice and I honestly believe she just flat out hasn't made up her mind as to whether she's still in it or not. I don't fault her too much on that - I was a major pain in the *** for a long time, but I do need her to make a decision so we move forward, one way or another.

At some point I am going to have to forgive my mother. But I think I hold onto it by choice because I am not willing to give her the power that goes along with forgiving her. It's like I'll be giving up a defense shield when I really don't trust her... I don't know - it's hard to explain.

I am very tired, and need to go to sleep, but I had to expel this stuff. When it comes up fresh in my mind, I usually just swallow it back down, but I need to stop that. I wanted to put this message in a bottle and cast it out in a sea where I know people like me will read it and understand.

It's funny, I just caught myself thinking "If only I could get rid of all this stuff without forgiving her." It's like I truly do know what to do to move forward, but I am just not willing yet to 'reallocate' all that power to her.

It's funny. I joined this group almost 3 years ago as "soulsearching" and I am still doing just that.

Anyway - thanks for listening. I hope that someone might get that "I'm not the only one" epiphany from reading this.

SS

[sal]

Hey soulsearching.......... I can relate to alot of what you wrote about......especially the suicide threat(s) of your amom... When I was 8.. my amom who as an adult I FINALLY realized had chronic depression as well as a personality disorder... told me that she felt "so awful, that if it weren't for you and Tom... I would end it"... The rest of my childhood was lived in fear of her doing just that. I never told anyone.. perhaps in fear that if you say it.. it might come true. My soul was unsettled for a long time... but there came a time that either I did something about the pain it was in...........or suffer even more migraines, gastrointestinal problems, etc.. I went to my doctor and sobbed in her office....she referred me to a counselor who gave me back myself... During the years that I saw her........I also searched for, found, and reunited with my bmom, bsibs, and extended bfamily. I also said goodbye to my dad, mom, a bcousin and a bbrother .. all in the same year. My only regret in it all is that I didn't choose to get help for me sooner....which in turn would have brought my bfamily to me sooner!! good luck... there is alot of great support here.........sal

[Growing]

When you talk about the dilemma you feel about seeing your amom and feeling compelled to see her and have your children see her, I totally relate. I feel that same push-pull with my amom. I love her, but some of the things she does just bugs the heck out of me and then I feel resentment and hurt. She tries very hard (too hard) but she sometimes says and does things I totally disagree with. For example, she says that my son (1yr) is spoiled, when I know he is far from spoiled. To me it seems that she is holding on so tight to the fact she is a "grandma" but inside she feels insecure that she is not really his biological grandmother. It brings up feelings in me that I think she was an insecure mother to me when I was little because she felt insecure over not being my biological mother, but adoptive. It makes me feel like I have to coddle her and make her feel ok as the mom and it saddens me because our relationship is strained. As soon as I leave I'm trying to figure out how to make her feel loved because when I'm with her it is forced and then I feel kind of guilty about it, because I truly do love her.

[nobodys_child]

SoulSearching,


I too relate to your story. The biggest difference is that my a-parents have stayed together in their sick & twisted marriage, & that I am the only child who was subjected to their crazy-making. They often threatened to leave me behind if I didn't behave. Usually it happened when we were far from home, where I knew no one & was terrified of the unknown. I understand how harmful psychological abuse can be, & how it can be used against an innocent child. People would often tell me I was lucky to have "such wonderful parents." I doubt they would have thought them so great if they had witnessed the pain & discomfort they heaped on me.

I'm now 44 & it's never very pleasant to visit my a-parents, as they just can't help themselves but to criticize me, my kids, my fiance, etc, even as they have grown old & feeble...their minds & tongues are still sharp & wicked. But at the same time, I also feel obligated to care for them, because there is no one else who can or will. They have little to do with their own family members.

For the most part, I'm an easy going person...it's taken me a lot of years to not blow up when little things go wrong. My marriage did not survive. My ex & his family was also abusive & I just couldn't take living with another abusive human being for the rest of my life. I was tired of being treated like a piece of garbage. It was literally killing me, & I was looking for a way out, even if it was death...it was much the same as during my childhood.

Oh yeah, my a-parents never threatened me with suicide, but my a-father forced my a-mother to marry him by shooting himself in the chest...nearly did kill him, & I hate to say it, but I believe I may have been better off if it had...wouldn't have ended up with the 2 of them! But anyway I digress! You are not alone & this is a safe place to heal past wounds.

I don't know if psychological wounds can ever be completely healed...I think mine have lessened some. But it's certainly a lot more work & more time consuming than recovering from physical injuries.

[crick]

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[soulsearching]

I can relate to quite a bit of what you say.

The suicide thing is such a huge club that they wield. It's like it places the responsibility of keeping them alive on you in that you don't want them to be unhappy and darn sure don't want them to leave you...it's incredibly unfair. But, as my wife constantly preaches to me, it's a sign of the sickness that they suffer.

I'll tell you a little secret. I think that somewhere deep I always kept suicide as some sort of 'in case of emergency, break glass' kind of option but when my kids were born I conciously gave that up. And I couldn't conceive of telling my kids something like that, much less subjecting them to 2-3 theatrical suicide non-events. At 13 year old doesn't know that mommy doesn't have the guts to do it.

Thanks and peace,
soulsearching

Originally Posted by sal

Hey soulsearching.......... I can relate to alot of what you wrote about......especially the suicide threat(s) of your amom... When I was 8.. my amom who as an adult I FINALLY realized had chronic depression as well as a personality disorder... told me that she felt "so awful, that if it weren't for you and Tom... I would end it"... The rest of my childhood was lived in fear of her doing just that. I never told anyone.. perhaps in fear that if you say it.. it might come true. My soul was unsettled for a long time... but there came a time that either I did something about the pain it was in...........or suffer even more migraines, gastrointestinal problems, etc.. I went to my doctor and sobbed in her office....she referred me to a counselor who gave me back myself... During the years that I saw her........I also searched for, found, and reunited with my bmom, bsibs, and extended bfamily. I also said goodbye to my dad, mom, a bcousin and a bbrother .. all in the same year. My only regret in it all is that I didn't choose to get help for me sooner....which in turn would have brought my bfamily to me sooner!! good luck... there is alot of great support here.........sal

[soulsearching]

Growing,

Thanks for your time and energy.

I hear you on the insecurity thing. My mom (amom) is pretty insecure in 2 ways. 1) She knows, somewhere deep inside that she abused me to heck and back and 2) she feels the 'regular' insecurity of not being my bmom.

Thanks again,
soulsearching

Originally Posted by Growing

When you talk about the dilemma you feel about seeing your amom and feeling compelled to see her and have your children see her, I totally relate. I feel that same push-pull with my amom. I love her, but some of the things she does just bugs the heck out of me and then I feel resentment and hurt. She tries very hard (too hard) but she sometimes says and does things I totally disagree with. For example, she says that my son (1yr) is spoiled, when I know he is far from spoiled. To me it seems that she is holding on so tight to the fact she is a "grandma" but inside she feels insecure that she is not really his biological grandmother. It brings up feelings in me that I think she was an insecure mother to me when I was little because she felt insecure over not being my biological mother, but adoptive. It makes me feel like I have to coddle her and make her feel ok as the mom and it saddens me because our relationship is strained. As soon as I leave I'm trying to figure out how to make her feel loved because when I'm with her it is forced and then I feel kind of guilty about it, because I truly do love her.

[AwaitingBeloved]

oh my gosh, soulsearching. No wonder you are so angry, and no wonder that you flipped out on your mom.

It's funny...I think my hanging onto the anger has reached the point of being a choice. It's like a cancer patient who smokes - I chose not to give it up even though I know it's killing me.

Sometimes, we tend to hang on to things that are familiar, even if they are not good for us. The familiar is less terrifying than the unknown, even if in your conscious mind you know you want to live an angry free life, it's scary to wonder what it will be like..

It's funny, I just caught myself thinking "If only I could get rid of all this stuff without forgiving her." It's like I truly do know what to do to move forward, but I am just not willing yet to 'reallocate' all that power to her.

I want to share a story with you.

I had issues growing up. Without getting too long winded, I had many years of despising my dad. My folks are still married, btw. I had so much anger. For many reasons, but all tracing back to my dad. Things came to a crashing head a few years ago. We didn't have an all out blow out, but I finally took a stand in my defense. I walked out on a visit I paid them because of the way he was treating me that day. (DH and I have been together over 10 years, and it was the only time DH got a taste of what I grew up with..) I ended up leaving and not going back. For many years. I actually stopped talking to my mom for about a year. That was a miracle in itself. Her and I would talk at least once a day, sometimes more. But I refused to call the house and apparently she didn't feel the need to call me.

Some interesting things happened. My obese mom started to slim down. I started to slim down. There was something toxic about our relationship and when we took a break from each other, our health improved!

During this break, I went to a healer. I think she was called a spiritual healer. If my friend hadn't told me so much about her, I never would have considered going. Well, I told her how I grappled with being able to forgive my dad. For everything.

She was the only person in my life who asked me, do you want to forgive him? I said NO! I didn't think he deserved my forgiveness, I despised the man.

She told me the most wonderful, powerful thing. I don't have to forgive my dad!

I was floored! She told me there is no reason to forgive him if I don't want to. She said a lot more, which I don't remember all these years later.

After a year of silence, I started talking to mom again. Things were even better in our relationship. Then dad started treating me respectfully, for the first time in my life. I didn't trust his actions for years, but after the last couple of years, and how he's finally stepped up to the plate to be a dad (better late than never, right?) I'm believing that he is genuine.

I also made a decision that I could either accept him as he is, with all of his faults and have a relationship with him and my mom, or I could walk away. So, I've been accepting him and trying to let go of the past. I'll be honest, one wrong step on his part and I'm sure that all those angry feelings won't be too far away.

But, you know what? I think I've actually forgiven my dad. I never imagined I ever could, or that I ever would, and I din't WANT to... But I'm not angry at him anymore. I can't explain it.

Now, my dad did none of the serious stuff that your mom has done. So I don't expect any miraculous forgiveness.. If you're able to forgive her, than God bless. But I want to tell you what that healer told me so many years ago. You-don't-have-to-forgive-her! It freed me.

Freed me from high expectations, freed me from guilt over not being able to forgive, freed me from my own pressure to forgive.

I wish you freedom.

Best wishes. I'm very sorry your mom has been so abusive to you. Take care of yourself, and your family will repair.

[soulsearching]

Julie - I really appreciate your taking the time to post as I got a lot out of it.

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

Sometimes, we tend to hang on to things that are familiar, even if they are not good for us. The familiar is less terrifying than the unknown, even if in your conscious mind you know you want to live an angry free life, it's scary to wonder what it will be like..

That makes sense, but I don't believe it's the familiarity that makes me hang on. Part of the equation is that I don't think she deserves to be forgiven. I think this stems from the fact that she is a psychiatrist and I really think she knew the depth and gravity of what she was doing.

I also don't want to forgive her because it feels like forgiving her comes part and parcel with opening my heart back up to her and I know from actions as recent as 3 weeks ago that she can't be trusted with my feelings.

I think I need to find a way to seperate forgiveness from entrustment as it really is a simple reality that she will say something ugly and manipulative in short order. I know that sounds like I am prejudging her and it's somewhat unfair to predict what someone will do, but I have 35 years of experience behind this and that's just the way she is.

I guess I see hope in that she has started treating my wife better. The caveat to that is that I think she's afraid of being cut-off from the kids altogether. She was nasty to my brother's first wife (they had children) and she bascially didn't get to see the kids because nobody wanted to go out of their way to be around her.

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

We didn't have an all out blow out, but I finally took a stand in my defense. I walked out on a visit I paid them because of the way he was treating me that day. (DH and I have been together over 10 years, and it was the only time DH got a taste of what I grew up with..) I ended up leaving and not going back. For many years. I actually stopped talking to my mom for about a year. That was a miracle in itself. Her and I would talk at least once a day, sometimes more. But I refused to call the house and apparently she didn't feel the need to call me.

I have not talked to my mother for about 3 weeks. I feel bad because I don't want to deny her the joy of her grandchildren, but I don't want to be around her and - at this point at least - we're a package deal. Tonight my wife asked again if I had talked to my mom and I said no. She commented that it's been awhile I simply told her that I am ok with it. No anger, no terseness, just the knowledge that it's my life and if I don't feel that communicating with her is the thing for me (for now) then that's ok.

I will make an effort to figure out getting the kids to her, but again, I resent even that because she made the bed with my wife and then states she doesn't feel welcome in our home. Part of me wants to say "Well of course you feel that way - it's true! But can you see how YOU created that situation?"

The simple reality is that she cannot fathom why my wife doesn't like her because in her mind she's just sharing her opinion when she says ugly things, or belittles her as a mother. It's insane, literally. She's just aghast that my wife 'treats her' the way she does. You should hear the stuff she has said to my wife. Welcome in our house - sheesh, she's lucky to be ALLOWED in our house.

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

She was the only person in my life who asked me, do you want to forgive him? I said NO! I didn't think he deserved my forgiveness, I despised the man.
She told me the most wonderful, powerful thing. I don't have to forgive my dad!
I was floored! She told me there is no reason to forgive him if I don't want to.

It is freeing indeed to hear you say that. I know I need to let go of all this stuff, but I don't, in fact, have a timeline to abide and will do it when I am ready. I know this isn't carte blanche to hang on to such nasty stuff, ad inifinitum, but it does give me relief from the feeling of "I gotta do this NOW!"

Originally Posted by AwaitingBeloved

I wish you freedom.
Best wishes. I'm very sorry your mom has been so abusive to you. Take care of yourself, and your family will repair.

Thanks you have actually given me some freedom just by sharing.

[soulsearching]

Guilty as charged - and I will try to mind my manners.
Thanks for the friendly nudge.
Eric

Originally Posted by crick

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[AwaitingBeloved]

Originally Posted by soulsearching

I also don't want to forgive her because it feels like forgiving her comes part and parcel with opening my heart back up to her and I know from actions as recent as 3 weeks ago that she can't be trusted with my feelings.

Hey SoulSearching,
I just saw your post.. sorry I haven't responded to this sooner!!!

I have to say, I am so familiar with that feeling. That was the biggest reason I didn't want to forgive my dad, too! I finally said enough is enough, I'm not a child anymore, and I won't let myself be walked on anymore. Now, my dad's actions towards me were nothing compared to what your mom has done, but in my mind, they were bad enough, hurtful enough, to have to protect myself.

I also wanted to say that I don't think you should feel too badly about not letting your mom see your kids right now. I think if you need separation from your mom to work through this anger than that is in your children's best interest for you to make sure that happens. I also wonder if you might be preventing them from getting hurt the same way you've been hurt. I'm hopeful that she wouldn't hurt your kids in any way, but for now, don't feel like you're rushed. Sometimes when we take the pressure off ourselves things fall into place.

I am happy that your mom is being more respectful of your wife, and actually quite impressed by your wife's being supportive of you somehow healing enough to contact your mom again. That is very sweet of her. It will happen in the right time. I think the most important thing is that you deal with the damage she's already done, the way she's already traumatized you, and work on your own family (your wife and kids). Everything else comes after that, IMO. Doesn't mean it'll take years to get to a point where you can see your mom again, but doesn't mean it'll happen overnight, either. You know it won't happen overnight, unfortunately. But, in time, I have faith that you'll be able to heal from this. And when you do you will be stronger and happier for it.

You'll never be "the same." I've struggled with that. Well, I used to. Now I realize that the way I am now is healthier. I may not be the most optimistic person anymore, and I may be a nervous person at times, too, but I'm not the victim anymore either.

I don't know about you, but until a few years ago, my dad could flash me a look, and I'd be right back to 7 years old again. It's awful how that happens.

Since our own blow up, that has not happened. I might see things that would bother me before, that would have reverted me to that age before, but it doesn't anymore.

I think it's interesting, and scary, that your mom is in the mental health field and has abused you so significantly emotionally. I am very sorry that she did this to you. You are doing the right thing trying to put a stop to this, and eventually, it will stop. It will take time, and it'll take a while to recover from this breaking point, but you will recover. And you and your relationships and your family will all be better for it.

Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

[Oliversnana]

Hi there....

Your post struck a cord in my heart. I was not given up for adoption but my mother remarried when I was very young and I was adopted by my step father. I was so young I didn't know the difference and it was never discussed and I wasn't told....except that I had vivid dreams of going to another man's house that I seemed to know was my dad and I just couldn't understand it. I have a half sister that is 3 1/2 years younger than me and she was treated so differently than I was by my stepfather...and that I couldn't understand either. I was never told that I was NOT his daughter until I was in the 6th grade and he started abusing me physically.
I can imagine that you all might think...what is the connection??....It is the feeling of total abandonment and rejection. How could my OWN mother allow these things to happen to her child. I still don't have a true answer but what I finally had to do is turn the world around in my head (of course this only happened as an adult!) and realize that she did the best she could with the life SHE was given. She had her own story....and not always pleasant, that of course I didn't know as a child and only learned in bits and pieces as an adult. I had to sort of force myself to "be the adult" and look at it from her point of "life". I later knew that my stepfather also abused her. Her father was a hard and unloving man who was out of her life for the majority of her life (her parents divorced in the mid 1930's) and treated all the girls as "lesser" than their only brother.
So many things I know NOW that really made sense as to her behavior when I was a child. Now I don't say that I am not "screwed up" in my own way but thank God that I had many angels come into my life that have helped to create the person that I am today.
I now can understand....maybe not forgive....the reason that she was not a demonstatively loving mother. Yes she loved me...but it was safer for her to not love and hug EITHER of us so as to not be accused of playing favorites. She was so closed up on herself that there was no ability to share the love, warmth and caring that you would usually connect to a "mom". Of course I blamed my stepfather for YEARS for all my problems but I had to make myself turn the same "out of the situation" eye on him too. I am not sure I can truly say I ever forgave him but what I had to do is learn to pity him for the lonely, hateful, hurtful person that "his" mother influenced. I knew somewhere in my soul that he would someday die a lonely, sad death with no understanding that it COULD have been different. And he did.
I hope that this makes some sense to you....even tho your mother is a health professional it does not mean that she is not just as "broken" as you or anyone else. Maybe she is not "able" to be the person YOU need her to be. My relationship with my mother is much better than it was even 5 years ago...and I am 52! I had to learn that she processes things differently than I do. She is much more rigid. I know that there are things that we will NEVER agree on. I know that she is NOT a little kid person. I know that she and my sister ARE the same type of person and that is WHY they seem so close. It is not an intentional thought of "excluding" me...they just think the same. I have to remember that by understanding HER I have to realize what a "foreign duck" I am to her. When we talk now or she asks my opinion I can realize that "I" open another whole world to her that she has never experienced and that is totally foreign to her. As an example....I believe family is made of love....not necessarily out of "blood". My husband was adopted...(with his own set of "strange adoptive parental influences! " And we tended to "adopt" new family that we "LOVED" but weren't exactly "related" to us. My kids grew up with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles that were no relation at all. I had foster kids and my kids had a lot of friends that were sort of "parentless" so it was not unusual to get up in the morning and find 6 or 8 various kids sleeping on my living room floor. My last "unofficial" foster daughter (who had been a friend of my daughters since the 4th grade) came to us from her adoptive family in Texas. She was 17 and pregnant and no where near being able to be a mother. We adopted her son and are blessed with the most wonderful boy in the world. But through all these years my mother STILL does not understand our connection to these people or this wonderful little boy who is now 8 yrs old. She is connected to my other grandchildren but has difficulty connecting to him.
OK now I am rambling but I hope that somewhere in this you see a ray of hope and a kernel of insight that might help you start your path to the "other side" of your life. Keep our chin up...love your wife and children the way YOU would have liked to be loved and just keep taking a step each day. Good Luck!

[Montraviatommyg]

SS,

I have been offline for a week due to moving so have just read your post. Your honesty has touched me deeply as you seem very aware of problems in your life. When mothers relinquish for whatever reason we do so in the believe that our child(ren) will have a good life. My son has had a good life which I am thankful for so when I read stories like yours I know how fortunate he has been.

Pip

[Sarah73]

Hi Love,

Geez, you've got a lot to sort through - and here I was thinking I could rival you in the competion for emotional pain...

Couple of questions for you....

1. Your birthmom...are you sure there is no residual anger toward her for adopting you out into a f***ed family? Just a thought.

2. You mention your adoptive parents were physicians...then talk about how emotionally traumatising your Mom was...where was your (adoptive) Dad? Do you keep in contact with him?

3. Have you spoken to your 2 other siblings about the psychological abuse you suffered at the hands of your Mother...what are their thoughts?

Telling your teenage child you want to kill yourself is unforgiveable to a degree...have you talked to your Mom about this? Does she realise what pain she inflicted on you as a teenager?

I agree, being abandoned is terrifying, hurtful and painful beyond reason. If you haven't resolved the "suicide attempts" with your Mom, it's understandable you still have issues with her. But having said this, how do you feel about your biological Mom abandoning you?

Your Mom's treatment of you is like a festering sore that is affecting your marriage, your wife and ultimately, your own children. You have (2) choices - let it go (like you ordinarily would have) or talk to your Mom about it OR write a letter if she doesn't like to listen.

You sound like a good person, don't let the "baddies" make you less than what you really are.

I admire your loyalty to your (adoptive) mother....it makes me think that deep down you do love her and that she loves you - although she is misguided. It sounds like you two have a very deep and very complicated relationship that you're still trying to make sense of.

I'm glad to hear your birth Mom was an enriching experience...have you asked your Mom how she feels about you contacting her? Does she even know?

At 40 years of age with a marriage potentially failing and two beautiful children...it's time to book in for therapy if you are unable to talk to your Mom about the emotional damage she did to you as a teenager. If you can't let go of the past now, it's time to ask for some help. Your wife and your children are too important.

I find it interesting that you talk abou the "cancer in your soul' then in the same breath "yet here I sit". Stop sitting on your inadequate relationship with your Mom and DO something about it...your Mom is probably not even aware of how you really view your relationship with her?

You sound like a lovely, gentle man with a lot of baggage..and you are very, very aware of this. I really urge you to seek professional help if you can't reconcile your anger toward your Mom - for the sake of your marriage and your children.

Wishing you all the best,

S.

[friendonthepath]

Hi, I'm new--so forgive me if I say the wrong thing.

As an outsider looking in, it looks like you do have a big challenges in your life, but that you still have a lot, a wonderful family that you love and that loves you.

Here are my questions to you:

1. Why expose your children to your a-mom's craziness? Aren't you worried that she will start abusing them emotionally too? It seems to me that your number one priority here is to keep them safe. Why not get a nanny or babysitter to handle your childcare needs? You could all visit your mom once in a while, together, and in a public place--where she cannot harm your kids.

2. Have you tried marriage counseling? If you still love your wife and she still loves you--why not give it a try? Sounds to me like the marriage may still be salvageable.

3. Have you been involved in any adoptee support groups? Have you talked to a therapist familiar with post-reunion issues? Like you said, bmom cannot fix those deep adoptee issues, and that is a big disappointment that needs to be addressed.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'm in crisis mode too.

I wish you the best.