[jeanette reno]

I am curious about something. I am adopted, I had a wonderful life and a good family. I found my bfamily the end of last year and they are all great, The reunion has gone well I think, nerve racking at times but well. I flew back to wi to meet everyone and it was wonderful. My bmother had three other children after me. And even though I know she made the right choice in giving me up I find myself feeling jealous almost of my half siblings, because not only did they get to grow up with each other, they get to grow up with our mother and family. And sometimes when I talk to my bmom on the phone I can hear them fighting in the background (they are younger 11, 15, and 17) and it kind of makes me sad that I didn't get that, (not that I would have liked the arguing if I had grown up with them). I guess I am just wondering if anyone else ever feels that way.

[snuffie]

Hi Jeanette,
I can relate to the way you are feeling. I, too, had wonderful adopted parents whom I loved with all of my heart. But I've been reunited with my bfamily for over 4 years now and sometimes it hits me that they knew our bmom and grew up in her arms. And that she only held me probably once, if that. It makes me sad to have never really "known" her the way that they did. And as she has passed away, I will only be able to hear about her through them.

It is sad that that part of growing up, the playing together, the good natured teasing that siblings do, and yes, even the arguing is lost to us. All we can do is go on from here. And seeing as how my bsibs didn't even have a hint of my existence only a few short years ago - its so wonderful that we can be brothers and sisters now!

Hugs
Snuffie

[shadow riderer]

I understand how you feel as well. I reunited with my Bmom 16 years ago. Even now, after family gatherings I still feel twinges of sadness that I missed growing up with my siblings and cousins. My siblings have had numerous opportunities that I never had. I have felt jealous at times. I think that is only natural. There have also been times I just felt cheated out of, I don't know, maybe the kind of bond that growing up together gives you. The feelings pass and they get better with time.

[Growing]

Hi,

I grew up adopted as an only child and found 2 half-brothers when I found my birthfather. I didn't know how to build a relationship with them when they were younger, as I had never had siblings and was in shock over the whole reunion. Now that we are all older I truly wish we could have grown closer over these last 15 yrs. of reunion. I would love to have them as my "brothers." I do feel jealous that they have each other and my father, and I missed out on growing up with them and loving them.

Growing

[stinky_kitty]

I've felt that way. Maybe not really a sense of jealousy, more of a sadness on what I missed out on.

[TBooth]

I'm not sure if it's jealousy or sadness, either, but I can certainly relate. On my first visit to meet bmom and 2 half sibs, we ended up in 2 separate cars...I was following behind the rest of them, because my bmom was dropping the kids off somewhere and then we were returning my rental car. But the feeling I had was that I was with them (all going the same direction), but not. That image has stuck with me and I get the same feeling when I hear their life going on in the background on phone calls, etc.

I leave tomorrow for my 2nd f2f visit and my bmom is planning a "family dinner" next Friday. Me, her, sibs and my bgrandmother (whom I have not yet met). She's terribly excited about having us all together. I'm excited too, but I know I will have that "car" feeling all over again. Part of the family, but not. And, I guess that's reality! I'm just hopeful that as we build some history where I am included, those events won't seem quite as loaded. I suspect, though, there will always be a bit of sadness for the lost time.

[Emily358]

I know what you mean, too. Even though I wouldn't change my adoption if I could turn back time, and even though I have great aparents, I am jealous of various relatives of bdad--and I've never even met any of his relatives. They have his name, they get to celebrate holidays together, etc.

Most importantly, they are publicly acknowledged by him. I've met a few of his close friends very briefly. That's it. There have been quite a few occasions on which we've run into people he knows and he doesn't even introduce me by first name, let alone as his daughter! Yet with the few close friends and when we're on our own, he refers to me as his daughter and to himself as my father--something he initiated.

It's weird, because he sees me far more often than his relatives, so our relationship is better. I guess what I envy is their being acknowledged as belonging to him. For example, I know they've stopped by his office during the workday when others are around. I did so once, and he had a cow (for which he apologized later but which still hurts).

Does anyone else have an otherwise good relationship but feel like a secret?

That car analogy is so vivid. It kind of describes the bittersweet nature of reunion.

[Biggsista]

Call it jealousy, hurt..overly sensative or emotional????..
I was reunited with my half brother right before our father died. I went to the wake and funeral, where my brother was introduced as "Jr" I wasnt introduced but managed to introduce myself as his daughter, my aunt told me that a man was saying "jeesh after all these years and I was one of his best friends, I didnt even know he had a daughter". I wish she didnt tell me that but she did. On the flip side I am extremely jealous that my brother grew up with siblings that know him better than I do. I have always felt left out but I did try to contact him many years ago. I see his foster "sisters and brother" at some family functions now and for the most part I am ignored. I never did get anything of my Dads, although my brother got everything (which wasnt too much-stereo, tv, bed and a small sum of insurance that was left to him) but I myself, would have been happy with a hat or the one photo I had of us together when I was a baby. (he's got that now too, a relative gave him by mistake). Tired of the hurt. I find myself backing away now after a few years of ups and downs. 99% of the time the only calls I get from my brother is when my brother has been drinking, late at night. Just like Dad did when I was growing up. That was the ONLY time he cared. I am seeing the same pattern here. These boards are the only place I can seem to relate to.

[Pinakitha]

Not adopted - so I hope you will forgive me but I thought you might like to hear from the other side?

I never had any more children after my son was born & adopted. I know he has 2 asiblings &, of course his mom & dad. Like someone else here said, I don't so much get jealous as feel sad. Sad that I missed out on watching him grow up and sorry that I never had any other kids. If I ever do call him when he is at his parents' or sister's home, I too can hear children & other family members in the background, & it makes me feel very sad and as if I am on the outside.

However, please don't get me wrong. I am very glad that my son did have such good aparents and a proper, family home. I am glad that they all love him & he loves them. I love my son and, if he is happy & well, then I can ask no more than that.

Hope nobody minds my posting this.

[jeanette reno]

I think you guys are right, it's not so much jealousy it is mostly sadness. (with a tinge of jealousy)
Thank you all for your replies, it's nice to know I am not alone with these feelings.