[Amy2U]

I'm going to post this in a Birth Mother's forum too, but question. . .

My b/mother ADOPTED 2 children from other countries. She and her husband couldn't have children. I am her only biological child.

She has kept in touch w/ her ADOPTED childrens' biological mothers, she has pics and letters back and forth with them

and. . .

When her ADOPTED children are 18, their family and the other families that adopted overseas children at the same time, when all the kids are 18, all those families are going overseas again to BE REUNITED with their BIRTH MOTHERS, SIBLINGS, ETC.

ONE BIG HAPPY REUNION.

So, why doesn't she give the same SUPPORT for the kid she ABANDONED IN '75?????

ME!!!!

It's okay for her and her husband to adopt and be real outgoing in their small close knit community. She has a reputation to keep up, with her kids school and in the community where she volunteers in sports, etc. for her kids.

NOONE KNOWS HER SECRET. BECAUSE SHE SAYS IT WOULD DESTROY HER LIFE, AND HER REPUTATION.

But, it's okay for her to GIVE HER ADOPTED KIDS THEIR BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION, but NOT FOR ME??????

THAT HURTS. IT HURTS BAD!!

I can never know my b/grandfather, aunts, uncles, cousins---EXCEPT FOR HER SISTER, but she cannot let on to ANYONE OF MY EXISTENCE. Our relationship has to remain a SECRET and not to be discussed with my b/mom, 'cause she doesn't want to hear from or about me AT ALL.

IT HURTS!!!!!

[kune]

Amy
I have read most of your posts and I know you are hurting and looking for answers. But you are asking the wrong people. I'm not saying you shouldn't be here asking for support. This is a great place to come, vent and read about other's in the same position as you are at the moment. But the only person who can answer your questions is your birthmom. So.....ask her. She has set her boundaries - told you she will not reveal your presence to others in the family because it will destroy her life. I am certain you don't want to destroy her - so you need to accept her choice and hope that sometime in the future she will feel differently. Being jealous of the adopted children in her care is not good - it starts eating away at you - these children are her family.
Look to your immediate family for love and support. I am sure your Pastor hubby will support you through this pain, and maybe look at seeking help from a professional who could help you understand.

Your story is a sad one, but your new life with husband and children is something that many on these boards wish for.

I am sure you have seen this many times before but....it is so appopriate at the moment.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Ann

[itsamiracle]

I'm sorry. That's so unfair.

I'd contact other family members anyway. She may not want to know you or have anything to do with you. But she can't take away from you the relationship you could have with other family members. You are an adult now and can make your own choices. Seems she doesn't much care what you think. Therefore, I'd treat her the same. If you have a burning desire to know your original family. Then go for it. They may be like her though and give you the cold shoulder.....realize that. But it's worth trying. I've met lots of wonderful extended family before getting in contact with my mother. They are great!!

And I disagree. I think this is a good place to post this. Why not??

[kune]

Itsamiracle

I agreed in my post that this is a good place for Amy to come to...

But you are asking the wrong people. I'm not saying you shouldn't be here asking for support. This is a great place to come, vent and read about other's in the same position as you are at the moment. But the only person who can answer your questions is your birthmom

Any of us answering Amy's posts can only give her our GUESSES or our thoughts on why her birthmother will not reveal herself.
Ann

[taramayrn]

I don't think she posted in the wrong place. Right now I think she is looking for support and for some possible answers. I do agree that she will have to ask her bmom for the real answers, but in the meantime this forum can be a place of support for her.

[Poleczech]

Amy, I am very sorry for the obvious pain you are in. But I do have to agree that you need to ask your bmother the why question -- it very well may be that the circumstances surrounding your birth and subsequent adoption were very painful ones for her, for whatever the reason, and perhaps she doesn't know how to deal with the emotions that are surfacing -- many people draw away from others for fear of how the other person may react. I can tell from your post that you are hurting, but she may be hurting too and not know how to deal with it. Please be patient and try to ask her (or family members you have gotten to know) in a non-confrontational way and perhaps she will open up to you.

Best wishes,

[itsamiracle]

You're right, Ann. I'm sorry.

[kune]

itsamiracle -
No problem. Sometimes the way I write things is confusing. I too feel for Amy - but I can't ease her pain or change what she is going through. We can all walk with her while she tries to find the answers - but we can't assume we know what is going through her birthmothers head and heart.

Amy - am I correct to think you have contact with your birthaunt? And she is in constant contact with your birthmom?

Ann

[Sniffles]

Amy,

I am so sorry. I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with you b-mom and if she won't do it then talk with your aunt. It is not fair for you to be treated like that.

I think you posted on the right place too.

Angela

[Amy2U]

Yes, I am in contact w/ my b/aunt. We email atleast once a week. I probably email her more. I can call her whenever I want, I even have her cell, but I only do that in extreme cases, like 2 wks. ago after I got off the phone with my b/mom and was bawling my eyes out. LONG STORY, IT'S in my thread, "The Strength to Move On" and "The Strength to Move On (Continued))
She says, her sis is a little upset that she is communicating with me, but she can't tell her not to, so we are staying in touch.
I'm going to see her hopefully in June or July when the weather is nice for the first time.
But, my b/mom has made it clear to both of us that I AM NOT TO BE BROUGHT UP TO HER, at all. The subject is CLOSED.

[Amy2U]

I tried to talk to her 2 wks. ago. It's in my 2 threads, "The Strength to Move On" and "The Strength to Move On (Continued. . . ) She just says, it's a different attitude w/ adopting and relinquishing in the other countries, than here.

[itsamiracle]

Jeez, I'm sorry. She can't deal with it. That's sad.

[dpen6]

sometimes hearing how other birthmoms may have felt...as some bmoms ask how there birthchild will feel is very approriate. I think amy realizes that none of us can speak for her birthmom...that it really just our opinions......


For one to just accept ones lot in life is a needed thing to do..but in that process...yes..its a process to get to acceptence..thats where the hard work comes in.

I think in adoption its very diificult to just hear ''Well hon...just accept it...its just life" Its so disrespectful to each one of us.

Each on of us in the triad have to come to our own acceptence. Aparents...with the fact that child not genically theirs, adoptees that they were placed...and the circumstances around it and the fear of not know what reunion will bring...and if the people surronding that reuinon will give them at the very least...the most personal history that one owns...their own gene,.all at the mercy of the bfamily....and they may not have been able to accept their lot in life.....the conception, birth, and relinqshment of a child..

I think thats where the forums come in..to help in the process.and eventually the acceptence.

Its hard to hear "just accept and get on with your life"...as true as it may be......for any of us in the triad...its not that easy.

Amy, keep posting .you are getting help here.

The huge positive in all of this is that you aunt is there for you..try to SLOWLY devolp a realtionship with her and maybe when bmoms ready she will open up.

AS far as her having relationship with other children..well they are her raised children..whether adopted or not and as hard as it is, she does know them better.

Heaven only knows what she may be feeling....she just is not ready to confront her feelings right now...and that may actually be a good thing for you. It will give you time to get stronger.....and be better able to deal with bmoms feelings ..if she ever does share.

Work on getting yourself strong and lessen the hurt you must be feeling.

[bonnie95]

Amy,

I am a birth mom and also have adopted children and one more biological child. I feel your pain. I found my birth daughter and had a brief reunion. She has since backed away, and we have had very little contact. I had hoped for a wonderful relationship after 28 years apart, but it did not turn out that way. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to have her in my life, but unfortunately that is not what she wanted, so I have to accept her wishes and try to move on with my life. It has been very difficult, and there have been many monments of extreme sadness and uncontrolable tears. At least I found out she had a wonderful life. Interestingly, she is married to an adoptee and my adopted daughter is also married to an adoptee. I think this probably creates more issues.

I miss my first born terribly, but she will be in my heart forever. I belong to a wonderful support group, and they have made me realize I have to be grateful for the blessings I do have.

Bonnie

[GenXMum]

Amy,

My heart goes out to you. Your situation certainly doesn't sound fair. I'm not an adoptee (although I do have several friends who are) but I am a birth mother so reading your post got me thinking as to whether I could possibly say anything that might help you understand your birth mother or help you improve the relationship.

What I can tell you from the birth mother point of view is that since your birth mother is "in the closet" as a birth mother, she has not fully dealt with the pain of placing you for adoption. She was told by social workers and society that she should "move on" and that she had no right to you or to knowing anything about you. I still see posts all the time from adoptive parents, social workers, and some adult adoptees who still strongly feel that birth parents don't count and have no feelings or rights. Still in this day & age society, the laws, and many adoptive parents send us the message to "go away".

What people don't realize is that unless you have counseling, support, and some relationship with your birth child/adoptive family, a birth mother gets stuck in the "denial" stage of grief. Most birth mothers I know say that placing their baby for adoption was the most traumatic thing they ever did and even with years of counseling/support they still hurt deeply and have symptoms of PTSD. Closed Adoption birth mothers press down their feelings, grief, love, and worry for years and pretend it's not there. What comes after the "denial" stage?... well Anger, Tears, Regret, Guilt .... Pain as deep and wide as the ocean.... Heartbreak that washes over your head like a 50 ft wave that will drown you. After 20 plus years of pushing all that down, imagine what an explosion that could be. I think your birth mother is not only worried about her "reputation" (actually a valid concern since birth mothers are typecast as villians, drug addicts, and neglectful, uncaring mothers.) She is also worried about whether facing the feelings she has pressed down for all those years will lead her to a mental breakdown or being unable to care for the children that she has to parent right now.

I'm not agreeing with her decision but I do want you to understand that there is more going on so that you'll know what you are up against. However someday your birth mother is going to have to deal with all this - nobody can hold that level of pain and trauma in secret inside themselves for ever... it will come out someday whether she wants it to or not. So don't feel bad about contacting her. I would say that if you do want to build a relationship with her then take for now whatever level of relationship she is offering no matter how small. Be the mature, patient one but also don't give up. If you can send her birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc to her and her family then do that. Pray for her to find her way through her personal pain and for her to realize that you love her.... Pray that the relationship will improve. For years nothing in the relationship may seem to change and she may tell you that she feels no different... but the only constant in life is change. Decide what all the reasons are for why you will nurture this tiny flame of a relationship. Who is going to benefit eventually from this (your family, you, her, and her family?)

I'm giving you this advice because it's the type of advice I give to open adoption birth mothers who have had the adoptive parents push them away and cut off all the promised visits. I've seen what looked like truly hopeless, cold, disrespectful open-adoption-turned-closed-relationships suddenly do a 180 out of the blue. True miracles that wouldn't have happened without lots of prayer, patience, and hard work by the birth mother because she knew that a different type of relationship was possible and that an adopted child should know that her birth family also loved her.

My suggestions are not "fair" and they are not the easy way out. However I have seen enough amazing results to know that it will work. Best Wishes to you!