[BebitosMama]

I posted this in the Guatemala forum, where it's generating some discussion, but I'd really enjoy hearing opinions from adoptees directly on this as well, and thanks to Shoshana(Elizabeth)'s great suggestion, I'm cross-posting, and welcome your thoughts!

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I was checking out this month's issue of Adoptive Families magazine today, and noticed that there was an opinion piece article by a writer who really doesn't like the term "Gotcha Day."

She said "Gotcha" made it sound like parents were "acquiring" the children, or snatching them, that sort of thing. She quoted some adopted children, who didn't like the term much either. She preferred to celebrate "Adoption Day" with her daughter.

I honestly had never really given much thought to use of the phrase "Gotcha Day" and it's in pretty wide use in the adoption community, she said in the article. Having seen and heard it used pretty often, it hadn't ever botherered me in the past or set off any alarms.

But after reading the article, it got me thinking, and to some extent, I could see her point.

I'm still on the fence on this one, but still leaning toward the "doesn't really bother me" side.

Anyone else read the article and/or have any thoughts on pros/cons for the term "Gotcha Day?"

Mary

[Growing]

I was adopted as an infant but back in my day (lol) the term "Gotcha Day" hadn't yet evolved (thank God). I do think that "Adoption Day" would be a more respectful term.

I personally felt an added pressure to "perform" because I was a "chosen child". It felt a little bit like I was acquired to fill the space in my family that needed to be filled. I was loved and cherished, but it did not erase that fact. Celebrating "Gotcha Day" would have probably made that feeling even worse. Adoptive parents (even on this forum) seem so eager and desperate to find a child (being honest here) to love. And yes, I can understand that. But coming from the other end of that love, I'd just say be extra careful. Celebrate that child's full heritage and let him/her acknowledge the truths and reality that they are separated from their biological identity, family, and heritage. Adoption involves loss and when we enforce a "celebration" around it, I personally believe that it tells that child that it is not safe or right to feel any feelings other than positive. Then when the child grows up they have to revisit their entire reality. Just my opinion.

[heartened]

Originally Posted by Growing

Adoption involves loss and when we enforce a "celebration" around it, I personally believe that it tells that child that it is not safe or right to feel any feelings other than positive. Then when the child grows up they have to revisit their entire reality. Just my opinion.

Bravo! I agree, wholeheartedly.

I'm going to be a bit more blunt. I think the idea of celebrating a "Gotcha" day or "Adoption day" is one of the more ridiculous ideas I've yet heard. I don't intend to offend anyone, but as an adoptee, I would have dreaded such a day every year. My thoughts would have been along the lines of -
"You want me to celebrate the fact that someone gave me away?"

I also think that this type of day only serves to create further separation between adoptees and "natural" children among their peers. I can still remember being teased without mercy in grade school for being adopted. I am horrified at the idea of having to have explained to any of those little beasts that I not only had a birthday but a "Gotcha Day" as well.

It makes me cringe.

Let your child hold on to the one thing that they still share with their birth mother - their date of birth. And enjoy the millions of other things you will get to share with them. There is no need to create yet another "thing" which only serves to hammer home their "differences."

[carolynppk]

I was adopted as an infant only five days old. We never celebrated that day. We celebrated my birthday. I always knew I was adopted. I was told through stories of myself when I was rocked to sleep or what have you. I had wonderful parents, I never felt like I wasn't theirs or they weren't mine. I knew some of the things of my birthmother, but I never felt any of the things that many adoptees feel. I think my mother, who was a social worker herself, did a wonderful job of instilling a security and love there. I never felt as the other poster did that I had to perform or measure up so to speak, because these people did me this great favor or what have you. Each person and each adoption is so unique. I have never been offended by comments people have made about my REAL parents or anything like that. I probably have just as many questions or stupid comments to people who are divorced, gay or something that I have not had first hand knowledge of. I think most people do not mean to be rude, they just truly have no idea.

I would do whatever you, your family and your child especially feel comfortable with. As I said, each person, adoption, reunion, whatever is different. For me personally, it would not have bothered me, but I can understand that for others it would.

Carolyn

[Shoshana]

This is what I posted on the Guatemalan forum in response to Mary's question:

I absolutely despise the term. I admit, it's an emotional reaction. I'm an adoptee, and it's that part of me that finds it offensive. Yes, I do realize that people are not intending to offend and I realize the fondness with which people use the term. I just can't stand it. Many words in our language have positive or negative connotations and this particular word, used in conjunction with adoption has negative connotations. To me it trivializes the importance of perhaps the first or second most important day in the life of the adoptee. You "get" a cold, or a car, or a new dress, not a child -- it's from this that I also hear the "aquiring" or greed connotation.

This is just MY opinion. I would not criticize or judge a family who chose to use the term. I do think, however, that people choose to use the term without being aware that some people do find it problematic.

When I was a child, my parents used the phrase "Celebration Day." I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to use Family Day, or continue the tradition and use Celebration Day. I'm thinking the later, and I'd imagine that in the teenage years, it might be a better choice

And this is the new addition for this forum...

When I was 5 and my sister was 3, we had our last "Celebration Day." Nancy started screaming, "I'm not adopted, don't say that!" etc. etc. I still remember. I happened to be adopted (rather, picked up at the home for unwed mother's) on June 21 -- Father's Day, and exactly two weeks after I was born. I remember my parents always telling the story about that day.

When I was really young, I was "proud" to have been adopted and think I really would have enjoyed the formal celebration. I'm certain, however, that I would have wanted no part of it by the time I reached about 11 or 12.

With my daughter, I'm planning a very low key recognition, I'd like to have some sort of a ritual to both commemorate the day we became a family, and also to honor (?) her family in Guatemala. I'll certainly take my cues from her if it causes any discomfort.

[BebitosMama]

I really appreciate the honest feedback, everyone!

heartened, your comment There is no need to create yet another "thing" which only serves to hammer home their "differences" is powerful, and really weighing on my mind, and is making me think even more about this whole thing.

I don't know that I ever really thought we'd have any sort of "celebration" day surrounding our baby's adoption. It's something I really heard about first at the forums, and in some of the adoption magazines.

But since then, I've pondered it, and wondered if we should? There seems to be, however, at least in the current adoption zeitgeist, a lot of discussion about how it's somehow a positive thing, and good for the child's self-esteem.

But what I'm hearing from many of you is that it is in fact the opposite.

I guess the question is, as a parent who wants my baby boy to know how very much he is loved and wanted, is an annual celebratory recognition of adoption even necessary at all, and if it is, is it then best incorporated into the birthday?

Part of the concern to me, is, for example, every year on her birthday, my bio daughter loves to hear what it was like the day she was born. My son is just a toddler now, but when he's older, I don't want that to be hurtful to him.

So, would it be better to stop doing that with her so as to avoid the situation entirely? Or on his birthday, do we, for example, talk about his birth mother, how much she loved him, and how much I love him, and how we came together as a family? Or do we set aside another day for example, to celebrate his birth culture, but not in connection with adoption? Or am I totally off-base, and perhaps there is something else entirely I should or should not do that will be the best for him?

Mary

[Sniffles]

I never celebrated "Gotcha Day" or "Adoption Day'. In fact I really never heard about it until I read this post. I personally think that "Adoption Day" sounds better and would make me feel more comfortable.

[heartened]

Originally Posted by BebitosMama

I guess the question is, as a parent who wants my baby boy to know how very much he is loved and wanted, is an annual celebratory recognition of adoption even necessary at all, and if it is, is it then best incorporated into the birthday?

Part of the concern to me, is, for example, every year on her birthday, my bio daughter loves to hear what it was like the day she was born. My son is just a toddler now, but when he's older, I don't want that to be hurtful to him.

So, would it be better to stop doing that with her so as to avoid the situation entirely? Or on his birthday, do we, for example, talk about his birth mother, how much she loved him, and how much I love him, and how we came together as a family? Or do we set aside another day for example, to celebrate his birth culture, but not in connection with adoption? Or am I totally off-base, and perhaps there is something else entirely I should or should not do that will be the best for him?

Mary

Mary,

I am inclined to think that simply because you are the type of parent who actually takes their child's feelings into consideration means that your children - both of them - are never really going to have to question whether or not they are loved, cherished and wanted, because you make that clear in all you do.

I would not advise you to deprive your daughter of a ritutal she clearly enjoys. Instead, perhaps you could create a unique ritual to share with your son on his birthday. As you mentioned, tell him about his birth mother, about the joy you felt the first time you saw him and held him, etc. While you may not have gone through the frenzy of the onset of labor, the rush to the hospital, etc. that you did with your daughter, I'd bet that the frenzy of packing for the trip, rushing to the airport and through customs, etc. was no less hectic and intense. I'm sure the joy you felt when your son was placed in your arms for the first time was no less than the joy you felt when the doctors handed you your daughter for the first time.

The specifics may be different but the joy is the same. Even if you gave birth to both of your children, you would still have different specifics to the stories. This in no way would diminish your joy in each instance.

Keep in mind that my reaction to the idea of a "Gotcha Day" or "Adoption Day" is the knee-jerk reaction of an adult adoptee who does not have good feelings or memories of her childhood. (I seem to be discussing knee-jerk reactions a lot lately!) Perhaps for a child raised with this type of day "as the norm," the long-term reaction is different. And of course, every adoptee is as different as any child, so reactions will vary just as widely.

I suspect that your children will never question whether they were loved, and ultimately, that's what really matters.

[bromanchik]

I personally loathe the term. Especially in infant adoption, it is often the day that birthparents and adoptees were "lost" to each other. Celebrating that just seem heinous. A lot of people celebrate the day that the adoption is finalized. I personally do not see this as necissary. I think the most important thing to ask yourself, if you are an adoptive parent, is "Who is this 'celebration' really for?"

I tell people to focus on the day that the child became a child of their heart. The day they saw their picture, or even first heard about them, and let them into their heart. "Celebrating" that should be daily. The story should be a natural part of the fabric of their lives, not something trotted out on a special day.

JMHO

[Opus]

Our approach is very much like Carolyn's parents was - we don't celebrate "gotcha day", "adoption day", as adoption is an on going discussion in our kids' lives (9 yo and 3-1/2 now, adopted as infants) and out of respect for their first parents. Personally, the term "gotcha" makes me squirm. Do we ever celebrate their birthdays, though!

[heartened]

This has really stuck with me this morning. It's bothering me. I also went and read the thread on the Guatemala forum, but I don't feel comfortable posting there. I'd feel like I was invading and I don't think I can comment without starting a fight.

I would like to ask adoptive parents something, though - will you also be having a yearly "Deal With Your Grief" day for the child? Can you recognize that while something (a child) has been added to your life, something has been subtracted from the child's life? I understand wanting to celebrate this wonderful child you have been blessed enough to be allowed to raise, but let's face it, that's more for you than for them. Celebrating their presence in your life should be an everyday thing.

What are your SPECIFIC plans for taking your child through a grieving process? When someone close to us dies, we go to a cemetery each year or have some other sort of acknowledgment of their absence in our lives. What method will you employ to acknowledge the absence of the woman who carried this child for 9 months?

[spaypets]

Actually, heartened, dealing with my dd's grief happens when the grief occurs. When I tell her the story of her life, which I try to do monthly, I talk about and acknowledge sadness -- hers and what her bparents must have felt. I tell her it's ok if she feels sad (she never has expressed sadness over this story but she's only 4). I talk about how she didn't smile that first week we had.

My daughter was 18 months old when she joined our family (on Mother's Day). She had spent all but the first three weeks of her life in an orphanage. Of course, there were losses and sadness when she lost everything she'd ever known. But we were struck in those early days (once we got home) by how delighted she seemed to have parents.

So I'm wondering, since my dd doesn't seem pained by her losses, and she loves being part of our family, and becoming part of our family was long after she lost her first parents, do you still think it's inappropriate to have a special dinner and maybe a small gift to acknowlege the day we met? It's not like we have a party--and the celebration does get caught up in mother's day (we take my mother out).

[heartened]

Originally Posted by spaypets

Actually, heartened, dealing with my dd's grief happens when the grief occurs. When I tell her the story of her life, which I try to do monthly, I talk about and acknowledge sadness -- hers and what her bparents must have felt. I tell her it's ok if she feels sad (she never has expressed sadness over this story but she's only 4). I talk about how she didn't smile that first week we had.

Spaypets, I really admire this tactic. It shows a very real awareness and respect for her feelings. I think these are very good steps towards finding and maintaining a balance between the joy you feel as a family and the pain she may one day feel as an adoptee.

At four years old, I doubt she is cognizant of much beyond playing games, sleeping and having a yummy dinner. As it should be! You are doing more than many adoptive parents do in acknowledging that there is a cause for grief in her life so that if and when she finds herself experiencing that sense of loss, she will know that you are someone worthy of the trust it will take for her to open up about it.

That, more than anything, is worth celebrating.

[Southernroots]

As a reunited birth mom, I have a very negative reaction to "Gotcha Day" too. While I understand wanting to celebrate receiving a child into one's family, I think it is a rather sacred act, full of love certainly, but also the loss issues need some recognition too. Calling it "Gotcha Day" in my head anyway trivializes the moment, makes it cutsie pie, rosie, ALL positive. Hmmm, like someone got a new car, or some other new possession. It also does ignore the significant loss for a child and is a bad message to send to them, I think. It starts out from day one saying that their adoption is ONLY a positive event and that they'd better think of it solely in those terms. The grief and other issues need equal time too - children need to know that they have permission to express and feel any sadness, etc. too. Especially if they are old enough to remember their first families.

"Adoption Day" - a day celebrating the joy, but also acknowledging the loss in a respectful way too seems much more appropriate to me. But even to celebrate adoption day without acknowledging the loss too is unwise to me. Ignoring the reality that adoption means both loss and gain both is a bad precedent IMHO. Bad way to either start or handle adoption throughout a lifetime.

[BebitosMama]

Thank you heartened, and thank you everyone for the really interesting thoughts and input.

What started out as a terminology question to me os clearly much more -- there are implications and meanings for many that go far beyond a couple of words, and I'm reading everything everyone has written here and on the Guatemala thread, to try to absorb all the different thoughts.

Ultimately, as with most things related to parenting, my developing inclination about this is that the decision to have such a commemorative day (and if so, what you decide to call it) has to be a very personal, and very customized decision and process, one that takes into account the circumstances of the adoption, the child's unique personality and sensitivities, and may very well change over time as well, because what works wonderfully for a child of 5 may be a disaster at 12.

What works for one family or child may not for another, but hopefully, if we're sensitive to our children, and really listen to them, and acknowledge the whole host of emotions and people that are involved in an adoption, then perhaps we can muddle through and come out of it with rituals, commemorations, or celebrations that will work best for our children and our families.

Mary