[rwilbanks]

I am wishing all those adoptees a Very Merry Christmas!
I find this time of year hard, because I wonder if she is thinking about me and how I am doing and if she has any grandchildren. My 40th birthday will be in Febuary and we all know how birthdays are.......... It seems to me so many have found their birth family or their birth family has found them. I wonder why after 40 years have I not succeeded in this endeavor. I can only read the posts and hope that one day it will happen. I don't know that I could handle it happening and her not wanting any contact. I guess I could handle it, because I have wonderful loving parents, but being a mother of 3 I cannot imagine not knowing how they were doing or what kind of person they turned out to be. I guess I am just thinking out loud today. Just know I will keep us in my prayers in hopes we all have the BEST holiday ever.
Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nugget]

Happy holidays to you as well.
It's hard to say why some of us are able to find our tryuths while others do not.
Life I guess, not always what we ask for.
If you truely want to find your birth family I would just say to not give up and always remain active in your own search. While others can help, only you can put all of the pieces together.
Also keep in mind that there are many first mothers who do not feel it is their right to conduct a search so it may be very much up to you.
I live in Dallas if I can help you at all.
Big hugs and keep hoping,
Wendy

[Southernroots]

I was one of those mothers who did not search - I did not think that my son would want to know me and thought all the usual stuff about it being an intrusion, etc. Honestly, I did not even realize how much I needed to know him until he found me. And now - he seems so much a wonderful part of my life. I had no clue how much it would mean to me and how much better I would feel after I finally dealt with relinquishment issues.

His finding me was the best present I have ever received. And I will be forever grateful that he was curious enough to want to find and know me. Timing is all important in reunions - hopefully your time will come soon. And yes, I agree with Wendy that life can be pretty unpredictable.

Most birth moms I know think about their children a great deal. Or some, like me, didn't think of their children that much because it hurt too much to do that - so they buried their thoughts and feelings. Either way, a woman does not give birth and forget about that child - ever. Some few may not want contact - because they are too afraid and lack courage - but, the birth moms that I know love and long for their children.

Prayers are needed for so many in adoption - I will add you to my list and hope that reunion for you is on the way.

[rwilbanks]

Thank you for your post. It is nice to hear from the birth moms perspective. Maybe she does feel like it is an intrusion. I will keep searching and praying. In my heart I feel like she has kept this a secret and wants no one to find out. Just my thoughts, for various reasons. Things were so different in 1966 when I was put up for adoption. I am still searching and waiting at this time on my origianl BC. I know her maiden name, if it is real, and thought when I knew that it would be easy, but it is not working out that way. Just knowing her name, though has filled one part of my heart, now to put a face with a name. Thanks again for your prayers!

[snuffie]

Happy holidays to all!!

Rwilbanks I know how difficult it is to wait and want so badly. I am at that point in my quest for my bdad. And it is difficult to read the joy others have in reuniting with theirs.
I had thought of giving up in my search for my bmom after she refused contact years ago through an agency. ( It is very painful, but yes, you do survive.) But thought I would give it one last try a few years ago. Sadly, my bmom had passed away but I think she "helped" with my search and things fell into place so quickly it was a miracle. The old "all things happen when they are supposed to".

It will happen for you too one day. What are some of the things you have tried? I wouldn't be too discouraged in thinking that your bmom may not be searching for you. That is very common as they were told they shouldn't try to find their child. Adoption was a make believe state where we became our aparents totally and our heritage was terminated with the signatures on the official papers. I think people have a much more realisitic view of adoption now.

I wish you much happiness this holiday season. Never give up hope. This is the season when magic happens!

Snuffie

[Montraviatommyg]

I'm another mother who didn't search simply because I didn't know how to. My son was searching for me from the age of 18 yet I found him shortly after his 23rd birthday. It was pure chance I joined a website he had put my details on so I was able to email him. That was 16 months ago and I wouldn't turn the clock back for anything.

Merry Christmas
Pip

[Sniffles]

I understand how you feel even though I know who my b-mom is I have had no contact with her. It is very hard coming to these boards and reading about all the wonderful reunion stories especially this time of the year.

All I can tell you is to just hang in there and do not give up. Hopefully when the time is right we will get our chance to say, "I found her!"

Angela

[nobodys_child]

Yeah, I can relate too! There are things I absolutely love about this time of year. I enjoy the lights, music, & the sentiment. However, I enjoy it all from the outside looking in.

I got around to seeing "It's A Wonderful Life" several years ago, & could relate to George. I feel like a failure at life, & I often find myself wishing I could just disappear, especially this time of year, because I doubt there are too many people who would actually miss me.

I find it ironic that as important as family is, I really don't have one, & have never really ever been regarded as a family member by anyone.

Just remember, not all reunions have a happy rosy ending where everyone is accepted & loved. Not all adopted kids end up in warm,loving, supportive homes either.

[healingfeeling]

nobody's child,

I'm so sorry that you feel so sad. I don't know your story, did you have a negative reunion experience?

The music helps me this time of year for some reason, I guess it reminds me that there is more to Christmas than a tree and lights...remember...Jesus wasn't raised by his biological father and that makes me feel even more connected to him this time of year. The song "Away in a Manger" makes me cry a lot...just thinking about some of our mom's birthing experiences...probably just as hard as Mary's.

Merry Christmas and know that you are not alone,

healingfeeling

[rwilbanks]

Oh my goodness I have never thought about it that way. Thanks for putting a twist on the holidays. I have always loved the Bible verse where it states that God new you before you were born and new every hair on your head. There is a reason we were all born and like someone said earlier. All things happen for a reason and when the time is right. Thanks

[Southernroots]

Things were so different in 1966 when I was put up for adoption.

My son was born in 1969 - and yes, feelings about adoption and unmarried mothers were very different in that period of time. They don't call it the "baby scoop" era for nothing! Even the strongest women in those days had little chance of keeping their babies if they weren't married. Plus adoption was seen as this magical perfect solution - no talk of any significant long term harm to either birth moms or adoptees. Of course that is assuming that a pregnant woman even received any counseling - most did not.

Like many birth moms, I never told any one that I had relinquished my son - I was too ashamed to. So even birth moms who never told anyone CAN come around quickly - I did - not all do.

One of the reasons I tell people that my reunion is a good strong one is to let them know that it is possible. I am that stereotypical birth mom - who was still in the closet, afraid to tell anyone, had buried all my feelings, never searched, registered anywhere or even put a note in my son's adoption file. Not because I didn't love him or want to know him - but just because I didn't know any better.

What I want you all to know is that miracles do happen in adoption reunions. I never expected to ever know my son - and in the past four years I have gotten to see him - know him - hug him - hear his wonderful deep laugh - we talk regularly on the phone - I met his adoptive mom last year. This year, we spent our first birthdays together. If it happened to me, it can happen to anyone!

[rwilbanks]

My mother had a stillborn and had gone to the doctor for her check up and he told her he had a girl patient that was pregant and wanted to put the child up for adoption. My parents had never thought of adoption, but quickly decided this was something they wanted to do. The doctor even went as far as to tell them the attorney to use and went on the be my mother's doctor until he retired and my doctor until I started having children. At that time he was no longer delivering babies. When I really began searching about 12 years ago, we wanted him to sign an affadavit stated I needed a medical history. He said he didn't have one and had no memory of the adoption. I don't believe that for a minute. You don't put the whole thing together and see these people 1 or 2 times a year and not remember the adoption you orchestrated. Anyway, I did need a medical history my daughter was born 8 weeks early and I had just miscarried. He was adamant he would never sign an affadavait. Little things like these are suspicious, but I can see where things were so hush hush in the 60's. You would think that through the years they would see the need for medical history and other stuff. At first all I wanted was a medical history, now however I do want a little more. Enough rambling for now, thanks to everyone posting. It sure helps to know I am not alone.

[clion]

You are not alone in your feelings. . . many adoptees wonder why their birthparents haven't found them. . .some even think that because they have not been contacted that the birthparents just don't care. Nothing could be further from the truth in many, many cases. As you have read here, many birthparents just don't know how to go about searching . . .where to begin. . . just as many adoptees don't know either.
You mentioned 40 years and you still had no contact . . . I understand. . . I searched for over 30 years before I found my birthmother - and she had been praying for 58 years to see me just one more time. So you see, continue to be positive in your search - if you need to step back and take a breather for a little while, do so, then when you are ready - try again. My Mom said she always wanted to try to find me but she had absolutely no way of finding out how to go about it.
May you have a Blessed Christmas and may your New Year be filled with golden opportunities.
Hugs
Carol

[karmagirl7]

ummm......it is difficult for bmoms at this time of year as well. I have had the pleasure of meeting my bson, but he is young, so I still can not have a holiday, or a birthday with him, which is difficult. I understand VERY much how you feel-just on the other side. Funny how it runs so parallel, huh!! Much love and hugs from a bmom to you-Danielle

[ChristiBender]

rwilbanks.... as it has been stated.. not all bmoms search, but that doesn't mean they don't think of you.

I found my bmom almost 2 years ago. She had never searched, had never signed up with a registry (didn't even know about them) and had no memory of the hospital or adoption agency that handled everything.

But when I did make contact.... she wanted it, she welcomed it.

For years I just "figured" that if they weren't on a registry anywhere they didn't want to be found. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Yes, that does happen.. and timing IS everything. But it won't happen and you will never get to the right time if you give up.

Keep on keeping on....What efforts have you made? Are you registered with ISRR? The State you were born in? Have you asked anyone who might remember anything for answers? That includes your aunts, uncles etc. Sometimes it is just a small clue that opens the door. Does the state you were born in have a CI program?

Nothing will happen without YOU being motivated.... so lean on us - we are here.