[sportychic]

Hi all,
I'm new here and was hoping that I could some advice. I'm currently struggling with wanting to find my birth mother. I came across my original birth cert, with her full name and ssn# on it. I did a search and found her address and phone number with this info.
However I am not sure if she is looking for me or even wants to find me. If she is not looking for me I don't want to bother her and possibly cause problems for her.
How do I go about doing this? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Tink1965]

Congrats on finding your bmom!

I really cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you what I did.

I received my OBC in the spring of 2000, sat on it till 2002. I asked my auntie who lives in the small town that I was born in to ask around her work if anyone had heard of my bmom. Low and behold a good friend of hers knew her family very well. I was told that she was very sweet and found out her married name. Of course I googled for her and found her address and phone number. Again, I sat on it for awhile not knowing how to approach her. Well....a good friend of mine was in town and had asked her to help me compose a general letter (she is a fabulous writer) but instead we decided to make a major leap and phoned her. Thankfully it turned out OK. I thank God my dear friend was there with me, I was terribly nervous, but with her encouragement and quick whit on keeping things rolling, the conversation went well. She had told me that she was so happy that I had found her and that she had never looked for me She was told that if she ever contacted me that it would ruin my life and by no means did she want that. Now she knows that it is not the truth and is working with me to find my older half brother that was also adopted.

I guess what I am saying that everyone is different in their approach and reaction. The best thing I did was to follow my heart and my dreams and educated myself from these forums to expect the unexpected and to keep an open mind that this could go either way. I would have not known if I did not try and was mentally ready for whatever transpired.

Keep posting and asking questions until you are ready to choose on how you want to approach this. If you need anything, just ask, we are here for you!!

Good luck!

Tink

[sherrykimball]

you might send a letter that way if her family doesn't know about you it would give her a chance to tell them.
I myself called I too had my orignial bcert so after I had found their address and phone# my daughter called. It was a shock both of my bparnets had passed away. I don't think there is a right or wrong way like Tink said follow your heart. Good Luck

[FauxClaud]

As a mom, there is no way that I could ever think that my child is bothering me!!
I lived and breathed the fantasy of finding my son until I actually did. I know alot of other moms, and they also could not wait to find their kids again. I know that there are some whose moms couldn't/didn't presue contact so it is possible that you could be met with silence, but I only say that because reality is such. You just don't know until you try and it could be really great.
As for causing problems.....I wouldn't call reunion a problem but a process..and it can bring up stuff that is painful, but often is necessary issues that should be worked out.
Depending on how old you are and when she had you and the "theme" of that time..she could be living with alot of cruel assumptions which is why she might not be looking herself. Often moms were told that they could not search ever, that it was illegal, that they should just move on and forget, that they were not worthy, or that they would be ruining your life if they did. So she might not have any idea that she can search for you.
Even if we are told to forget, it is pretty much impossible to forget. Unfortunatly sometimes o much damage is done to a woman by the loss of her child, especially if it was forced, that she does bury it very very deeply and lives a life built on the secret of the relinquishment. It can be hard to rip open the box of secrets and it is hard to face the past. Sometimes it is just too painful and a mom can't.
Reunion and contact brings to head all the stuff that is buried and takes time to process. Sometimes, it can even take years. To give her the space and time to adjust and get over any possible shock, it is a kindness to write a letter for first contact. For your piece of mind, do a return recipet so only she can sign for it and that you know she has done so. If you want and feel comfortable, you can give her your phone number for immediate contact..so if she is ready, willing and raring to go..she can call. But a letter gives her time to adjust, some privacy to collect her thoughts, etc. She'll probably be just as nervous and as scared as you might be.
I definatly advise that you read up on others experiences with reunions, this way you know more of what is common issues, what works etc. It is better to have little expectation and lots of patience. I would also say to read up on what moms of her time frame went though so you can understand were her head might be at. Her experiences can greatly color the process of contact and to prevent yourself from being hurt, you should understand that as best possibe.
Good luck..and for you both, don't hesitate..just do it. You never know until you know and the truth is better than always wondering. You very wel could have a mom out there just waiting for you and praying for this day.
Good luck..and read!!!

[Sniffles]

Sportychic-

All I can tell you is to go with what you feel is right in your heart. I actually found my b-mom through my state's birth indexes. i am in the process right now of sending for my original bc.

I wrote the fisrt letter to her and after waiting for awhile I decided to write another one, but this time I sent it certified. The letter was sent back to me unclaimed.

Even though it was recomended to me to send it certified so I would know she got it, I would not recommend anyone to do that. I feel that it scares some people and they will refuse to sign for it. The company I work for has to send them out all the time and we get almost all of them back.

Personally, I feel that my b-mom does not want to have contact with me and I have accepted that it is a real strong possibility. I have not given up yet, I am just giving her some more time to actually answer me.

After going through everything that I have in me search I do not regret what I have done and I will keep going no matter how much it hurts.

Angela

[Lynard1210]

k guys,

How is it that everyone has their original birth certificate? Do you happen to live in open records states?

[Tink1965]

Great post eggymother

Lynard...I do live in a state that allows us adoptees to obtain their OBC

I also wanted to add that I have written numerous letters, notes, and e-mails to bmom to which she does not respond to. When I phone her, she is always happy and positive and takes the time to chat with me. She says she is not a writer so the phone thing works better for her. I know not everyone is like that, now I know why she never responded, thank goodness I worked up the courage to call because I could still be waiting.

[chrismh]

Good to see you Tink. How are things going with you? Do you still talk to my Christi?
To sportychic, don't give up. My daughter found me, I never looked or knew how to, our reunion is going good.
Chris

[Sniffles]

Lynn-

Just to let you know, my state just passed a law that if the adoptee has both of their b-parents name that is on the bc then we can get a uncertified copy of it.

Angela

[sportychic]

Lynard I'm not sure how my mom was able to get my original bc. I was told that it was a mistake that a lot of the info on it hadn't been blacked out. I came across this after going through my mom's legal papers after she passed.

[Tink1965]

Sportychic....You are soo lucky that your amom kept those papers!! My amom received papers after my adoption with a lot of info that she was not supposed to have, including names ect., I asked her if I could at least see them and she told me that she had burned them long ago Wow, what I would have given to have seen those papers. It makes me sad that she was so insecure that she felt she had to do it.

Hi Chris
Things are awesome in my world thank you Yes, I speak to your beautiful Christi whenever I can. What a neat and special friend she is

Tink

[sherrykimball]

Yes I'm lucky enought to live in a state that does let adoptee have their obc. good thing I was adopted from a state that doesn't want you to have anything

[sportychic]

My amom was always very supportive of me if I wanted to find my bmom. She told me that she would help me find her if I wanted. She even met my bmom a few times before the adoption. As the family doctor had talked my bmom into having me instead of aborting. I was lucky enough to have access to all my papers growing up if I wanted but never really sat down and read through all the paperwork. Glad that I did now...what a discovery to find that kind of info.

How would I start a letter? How would I let her know that I'm her daughter? What kind of info do I put in a letter?

[chrismh]

Hi, I'll tell you how my birthdaughter contacted me.
She lives in Fl. and I live in Mich. She knew the city, so checked on internet and found a florist shop close to me and called them to order a single rose and babys breathe. Then she asked them "not" to deliver it. She said she would call and have me pick it up. She did. I didn't have any idea who I was talking to, she just said she was from the florist and that I had something there to pick up. So I picked it up and looked at the card on it and it said, "I've been thinking of you since June 6, 1964". Then she put in her email address.
Needless to say I went crazy. Emailed her back and we still are going strong.
The first thing I wanted to know was, if she was okay.
Then where she lived, married, kids, what her name was. I had a hard time breathing. Walked around in circles saying, I can't believe it. My husband knew of her, as did my other two children. So I didn't have a problem about telling anybody, they all knew. We emailed a few times right then, and then she called me on the phone.
It came totally out of the blue for me. I had never looked for her or even thought about it, as they said, "get on with your life". I always thought about her and just wondered how she was and if she was okay. My parents were both dead when she found me, so there weren't any problems there. I'm not sure how things would've turned out if they had been alive. I went and saw her 3 weeks later.
I wonder what it was like for your bmom when she gave you away? Was it her choice or what. And how old you are. Sorry for the questions, just trying to get a feel for things.
Hope some of this helped.
Keep us posted. Are you reading the forums on everything that pertains to your situation?
Chris

[sportychic]

Chris; from what I undestand my bmom wanted to abort the pregnancy but later decided to have me and give me up for adoption. I would guess that had she not had known there was a definate family waiting for the adoption she would've gone through with the abortion. From the info on my obc she was 30. I'm 30 now.
No need to apologize for the questions.