[wvdunham]

Hi all,
My name is Wendy, and I'm a relatively new member who at the age of 43 began to want to understand how being an adoptee has affected me. I am coming up against so many feelings that are very powerful and it is scary for me. I've posted a bit on this before but needed to write it down again! Is there any advice out there from those who've been there? Thanks!

[Tink1965]

Hi Wendy
What helped me most is reading everything that I could get my hands on and of course the forum!! Oh my goodness there is loads of information here and great books out there to read. Also, to believe that tomorrow always brings us a new day with new ideas. Keep asking and keep searching and always know that good things take time wether we like it or not. I hope the best for you and never give up.

Good luck and keep posting!!

Tink

[Lynard1210]

Hi Wendy,

The scary feelings are a good sign. It means you are starting to deal with the adoption issues in your life. This happened to me when my adopted daughter was born last December. I started really thinking about what my adoption meant and how I had no say in any of it. My feelings fluctuate from anger to sadness to acceptance - depending on the day. Best book I've read so far is "Journey of the Adopted Self". When I read it I couldn't believe how right-on it was. I cried a lot while reading it but it helped me to recognize the deep feelings loss, pain and guilt for what they were .. .normal for adoptees. For many years I wouldn't search because I didn't want to hurt my a-mom (typical of adoptees), but then I finally got the courage to begin. I still don't really want to meet my birth family but I am searching for information. Every step you take helps you to become stronger and in a way, I feel it is helping me to reclaim me. I have started to internalize the information I have gotten and I am changing into a different person . . . one who is no longer being molded by my adopted family. I'm stepping out alone and it's scary but in a positive way. Good luck and keep posting!

[Sniffles]

Personally for me the forums have help alot with support and search ideas. I have not read any books, but now I am thinking that maybe I should.

Lynn- Sometinhg you said in your post caught my attention. Mainly because my situation was totally oppiste. My a-parents actually wanted me to search for my b-parents and when I first started the search my a-mom was a little upset because at that time I did not want to try and contact my b-mom. They have always been supportive of me and encouraged me to search. I just had to say that cause it was different than the norm for me.

Angela

[wvdunham]

Thanks for your sharing your experiences! It is affirming. I think if I can take it one step at a time I'd feel a little more in control. Last week I shared with some family members what I was thinking about and while it felt good in some ways it felt like I was blowing my cover if that makes sense. I can relate to your poem Lynn. When telling my amom I was thinking about getting some info she cried even though she has asked me before if I wanted to find out information. She has always been into having lots of control over things and I'm sure this makes her feel less in control, as it does me! I wonder how much better things would have been between us if I could have talked about being adopted with her or even have been able to acknowledge it more. I would have needed encouragement though because I stuffed it down way inside, perhaps not wanting it to be 'really true'. Well, it is so helpful to write a few of these things down. Thank you.

[Lynard1210]

Your welcome. My mother is also controlling and I have learned recently not to discuss any more adoption stuff with her. I referred her to a book called "Lost and Found" written by the same author who wrote "Journey of the Adopted Self" and surprisingly, she is checked it out from the library. I decided in order to keep myself safe I wasn't going to discuss my adoption issues with people except adoptees. My best friend is an adoptee, my daughter's Godmother is an adoptee and another good friend of mine is an adoptee. I stick with them because they understand. Others always have their opinions but they don't really know what it is like and trying to explain it to them is like trying to fit a round lid on a square pot! If your mom had fertility issues, maybe she has never dealt with them. At least I know my mom has spent years covering up her pain and taking it out on me and others. She is 73. I wish she would get some help from a therapist but women from that generation just don't really like to admit there is a problem even when the rest of us are screaming, "THERE IS A PROBLEM!!"

[Lynard1210]

Angela, that is very interesting that your parents wanted you to search. How fortunate you are to have their support. I love to hear that adoptive parents are putting their children first. I am trying my best to keep all the memorabilia I can for my adopted daughter. I want her to have as much information as she can get her hands on so she doesnt' have to walk around with a gaping hole in her self.

[Rangeline]

I will pray for you! I wish that you find inner healing and peace.
Enid.