[makhaze]

I am a birthmom, alwas anxious to learn from adoptees, in hopes that I may someday be able to build a relationship with my daughter. I have been reading Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound.." and I am learning so much. Mostly what I'm learning is that a lot of the fears I had for my daughter are realities for adoptees. One thing she spoke about that I am curious about is that adoptees are often sick a lot of the time, especially with stomach ailments. Nancy says, "One can respond to danger by either fighting or fleeing. But if one, like the adoptee, has no concious memory of the source of the fear, he may experience that fear as a freefloating anxiety in which gastric activity works overtime."
Has that been the case with any of you?

[Growing]

Yes, for me it is true. I have dealt with stomach problems ever since my early 20's. During my search and afterward I have dealt with alot of health issues, anxiety, etc. It takes a lot of emotional energy to navigate being adopted, in my opinion.

[BrandyHagz]

Paula,

No one, ever, can tell you how someone will react to a situation. You will read on the forums that some adoptees can related to PW, while others think its absurd…certainly no two adoptees feel the same way – so while reading the book is probably ok – please don’t allow it to mold your expectations…

I am an adoptee – I was adopted into a family who thought they would be able to love an adopted child as much as a biological child – 18 months after bringing me home, they had a biological child and realized the errors of their ways.

I ended up spending most of my childhood and adolescence in group homes…and after all of that, even I don’t think “The Primal Wound” is a fitting tale of my experience.

Does that mean that no adoptee can relate? Certainly not – I never felt the yearn, the loss, the “part of me is missing” feelings that are talked about in that book…but there are many who have…just make sure you don’t apply that label before you have a better feel for the relationship…I’d be supremely ticked if my birthmother approached me as a wounded and hurt adoptee…because I am neither.

[makhaze]

No, I'm not trying to mold any expectations or label my daughter, and I certainly don't want her to be "ticked" at me, I'm just honestly trying to understand how she might be feeling or what she might have felt growing up. Even before I began reading the book, I was really having problems believing that a baby could be seperated from their mother at birth and not have any lasting effects from that. I still have problems believing that. I'm gld that wasn't the case with you. As far as my post, what I was really asking about was the part about adoptees developing physical ailments that could not be traced to an actual physical problem. I just wondered if there were adoptees on this forum who had actually experienced that.

[kq7772]

Well my husband was adopted and I have spent the last several years searching for his birth family, we are also now working on adopting so adoption is a daily topic in our home. I know for him and his sister they were both very healthy children other than some problems that were explained to ''actual'' problems. Ofcourse my dh says he knew from the start he was adopted and it was never an issue, after he became a man he wanted to meet him birthmom to thank her. But by the time we found her she had died at the age of 52 and her family will not talk with us.
I hope that the theory you are reading will not be true for daughter.

[6boysrus]

No unexplainable illness or ailments in my childhood or adulthood as an adoptee.

I too feel much as Brandy stated.. no loss no yearn no issues with being an adoptee. Im totally content with who I am.

Adoption was a one time event, not a lifelong label. There has never been any sense of loss for me. I bonded with my parents and to this day feel that they are my natural parents.

Primal Wound does fit some, but I dont think it truly is the mainstream of all adoptees. some of the things that are in that book can also be applied to biological children. My son for example couldnt stand his kindergarden teacher. He went through months of unexplainable stomach pains. We had upper and lowe Gi's all kinds of tests, and just turned out to be stress related because of his teacher.

Alot of those incedents or behaviors are very very much found in biological families too.

~Good luck..

[girlOK68]

HI! I haven't had problems with my stomach or anything.I just wanted to tell everyone to love your adoptive parents while you have them adn don't let the adoption thing consume you where you forget that They are the ones that took you and raised you when your birth parents could not!
I lost my MOM to the LORD on Oct. 20 2005 at 6:51 a.m. It was my adoptive MOM but she was helping me look for my birthparents for the last 5 years and for 2 of them she has had lung cancer. Just don't let anyone fall between the cracks! girlOK68

[makhaze]

Truly didn't mean to step on any toes or imply that all adoptees had issues... really just curious...

[kq7772]

girlOk I am sorry for the loss of your mom. She sounds like a great mom to be trying to help you search while fighting cancer.
My husband feels the same way you do,For the last year his Mom has been living with us due to the fact that she now has Alzhimers and the other day he told me that as much as he would have liked to have met his birth mom, that he doesn't think he could have taken care of her like he is his Mom. He has never shown any anger and says he never had any toward his birth mom...but he says that his Mom was there when he got sick, and got in trouble and was the one that was there for him when his son died. He often tells me as hard as it is caring for her at this stage he wouldn't trade a minute of it.
From all we know his birth mom was a nice lady,,, but she didn't bother telling anyone about him so that hurt, like she was ashamed of him even to her death. We were able to get a picture of her so that is nice to have.
Again I am sorry for your loss, but I am glad you know how lucky you are and I am sure you Mom felt blessed to have you for her daughter.

[bbsezpupu]

I haven't read the book, but from the gist of it I would seem to fit what it is talking about.

I did have stomach issues growing up, although I always thought it was a biological thing. I know my oldest dd has stomach issues as well.

I also had some other health issues. I have migraines, which do not run in either side of my bio parents. But my A family they do, so go figure! LOL

I also have what is called mullerian anomalies, basically it is a birth defect.

Because of these things it was very important for me to find out family medical history.

[vicrose]

I have never read Nancy's book, although I've heard it's good reading material. All adoptees are different; that's the bottom line. I myself, never had any stomach ailments as a child...except the one or two times that I faked having a stomach ache in order to not to have to go to school. But, as an adult I have had some illnesses, nothing gastric though. So, I don't know about the gastric theory, maybe for some it could be a real thing, and then for some not. Brenda

[makhaze]

Thanks to everyone for sharing. I realize that everyone is different and no two people are going to respond to adoption in the same way. I am just so eager to peek into my daughter's world. Is that bad?

[Sniffles]

No makhaze it is not bad to want to look into your daughters world. Just like sometimes us adoptees want to know what is going on in the b-mom's world too. I found someone who was in the same maternity home that my b-mom was in and I asked her what it was like to be there and she wrote me back a 5 pages letter of her experiences. I was in tears by the time I was done reading. I now have a whole lot of respect for b-mom's and what they went through. To answer your orginal question, I have not had any stomach problems when I was a child, but since I have gotten older and have children of my own I would really like to know if there is anything in my medical history.

Angela

[JPDakota]

No stomach or other mystery illnesses from me. Personally, as Brandy suggested there might be, I'm one of those people who thinks Primal Wound is absurd.
I applaud your interest in your daughter's world.

[Stacy]

As an adoptee I can tell you from my life that I was not "sick" a lot. As an adult with an excessive amount of stress I have stomach ailments but as a child who knew from age seven that I was adopted I was still a healthy person. The most I suffered from as an adoptee was the "was I wanted?" and the "why did they give me away?" thing. As an adult you realize there is a lot to life that you do not understand as a child with these questions. I think that it is wonderful that you want to know what life has ben like for your daughter. Keep looking, if she's not already she may one day be looking for you with questions of her own. I know that I have a lot of questions.