[nickychaz]

I am so tired of waiting to hear from my bmom. As some of you may remember, I have written to her twice, but still no response. The non-response is driving me crazy. I have decided that I am going to write one last letter and let my mom know that I plan to contact my brothers because it is evident that she has no intention of responding to my letters.
I would really appreciate any advice on how to phrase the letter without making it sound like a threat. Thanks in advance for your help.

[tricia3]

Nick ~ I know this is a terribly painful time for you, I've followed your story, and I'm really sorry that your bmom, yet again has not responded.
It is also evident that you've already made up your mind to contact your birth siblings. Before you do this I would ask you to put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? I'm not trying to discourage you or change your mind. I just want you to prepare yourself for the possible backlash that could resort. You think you feel anxious now....how will you feel if you jepordize reunion with one a single phone call.
If they are like most kids, they will be fiercly loyal and protective of their mother. And most likely will reject contact.
I hope that your siblings welcome you with open arms, but I want you to prepare yourself in case they don't. Reunion is hard even under the best circumstances.

[nickychaz]

I know that you are right, but I also know that there is a chance that my brothers might accept me abd welcome some type if contact. I just want to know for sure. I think that it is better to know so that I can get on with my life.

I am also trying to gather up the courage to contact amom,
just to tie up loose ends, but I doubt that I will ever have that much courage. .......It's just all so frustrating !!!!!

[Montraviatommyg]

Although I can't understand exactly how you feel I want to basically back up what Tricia has written. On one hand your brothers could be thrilled to bits to hear from you but on the other hand they could resent you, be very protective towards your/their mother and/or angry. Just be very careful what you put in a letter to them and I do hope you get a positive response back.

I know my situation is different as I'm a bmum and you know enough of my story to understand what I'm getting at. In my case I went through anger and resentment for different reasons as my son found my family first and I'm not sure if my sister ever told my nieces about him before he had contact with them. Nor do I know how my nieces felt initially as I fell out with my family before my son found them and I still don't have any contact with my sister, her husband or daughters If I'd had my way I would have preferred our relationship to have been built before he met my family first. My relationship with my parents isn't great so we only contact each other by letter and my relationship with my sister is non existence. The reason I fell out with my sister/family is because she has constantly told lies about me since I was a young child which my parents believe. It got to the point that she could have got me into serious trouble but fortunately the people whom she initially lied to didn't believe her and I could prove she was lying. It was years before my parents finally admitted they knew she was lying about this particular incident but they still take her side on this matter. Obviously by my son having contact with my family my sister wasn't very nice about me so that put pressure on our reunion as he had to decide who he believed. Fortunately I was able to prove I was telling the truth.

Basically I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that you don't know what will happen by writing to your brothers. It would be nice if there was a happy ending but just be careful.

Pip

[Tink1965]

Patience......patience.....patience.....
I contacted bmom by phone the first time and had a wonderful conversation for two hours, then nothing for over five months. Sent her a letter, no reply, sent her an e-mail and received a short reply saying that she was going to send me a letter. Well.....I waited and waited and waited for another five months. Bmom has never really explained as of yet why, but in my mind she needed the time for her own reasons. I have four half siblings that I could of contacted and I am SO glad that I did not go that route, I would have messed up what I have going now. This has been a long and very slow process but now that some time has passed I think we have a great thing going. Don't give up....keep posting and venting here....start a new hobby.....read a great book....try and keep busy and the mind open....good things will come.

Best of luck to you!!

Tink

[nickychaz]

My first contact with my mother was during summer, so it has been over three months without so much as a reply. How much longer should I wait ????

[tricia3]

Tink ~ wow seems like October is s good month for you .

Nicky ~ I know 3 months seems like an eternity, but it really isn't that long of a time. It took my bmom 2 years to finally tell my siblings about me. In the mean time I had to be patient and wait on her to feel ready to tell her children the biggest secret she ever had. That was a very difficult time, but it paid off.
You got some great advice over on the other thread so I won't deal you anymore, and you are a grown woman that can make your own decisions. But please listen to those who have experince with the same situation you're in. It may save you a lot of heartache.

[Tink1965]

Tricia,
Yes, October is a pretty special month for me
Weird how things turn out, but I like how it is

Nicky,
This link will take you to my story, good reading and some very good ideas to mull over while you are doing the patiently waiting thing , look it over, get some ideas and let us know what you think.
What do I do next?
It worked for me and hopefully will give insight to those who are patiently waiting. I honestly believe it was time that my bmom needed.

Tink

[bristol4]

Hi, I'm usually quiet on this board, have only posted a few times. But my situation is so similar to yours that I felt I had to write.

After ten years of looking, I finally found my birthmother this past June. I called her house twice, but, for reasons I won't go into now, wasn't able to speak with her. I wrote her a letter and she ended up calling me on June 21st. We had a lovely conversation, she seemed very nice, but was extremely surprised that I found her. Nobody in her family ever new about me, except her husband, who, as it turns out, is my birthfather (I figured this out on my own, she didn't know that I knew). Anyway, when we ended the conversation, she told me she would email me. I waited 7 weeks and never heard a word. So I wrote another letter. Still, nothing from her. In September, I wrote her another heart-felt letter, and still heard nothing. Finally, a few weeks ago, I found her work email address. I drafted a letter telling her that I was disappointed that she had not replied to any of my letters. I told her it was certainly her choice to not have contact with me, and that I was going to contact my birthsister and birthbrother (their other two children) and give them the choice as well. After thinking about it for a few days and talking it over with some very level-headed family members, I decided instead to send her a short note saying "I'm sorry to email you at work, but please at least let me know if you've received the letters I sent this summer." I got a reply from her within a few hours. She wrote that she had never received any letters from me, and wanted to know if I had put my name and return address on them. She said she was sorry if I had been feeling bad about not getting a reply, and she was happy I decided to check up on it. She also gave me her personal email address and told me I could email her back. What I strongly suspect is that my birthfather took the letters and got rid of them before she could see them (I have lots of reasons for thinking this, but I won't get into them now).

Now, I'm SO glad that I didn't send her the original e-mail, because a note like that would have closed the door on our relationship forever. I still don't know how or if, our relationship is going to develop. I e-mailed her back right away, but now it's been 3 days and I haven't heard another word. So, who knows what will happen from here. Like the others have said, some people really need lots and lots of time to mull things over and think about them. I'm the type of person to jump right into a situation and throw caution to the wind, and I'm beginning to learn that not everyone is like that I've decided to give it a year. If, by next June, she still hasn't "come around", I will seriously consider contacting my brother and sister. But I will let her know in a kind and respectful way before I do. I'd much rather they hear about me first from her. I can't see how causing a family rift will help my relationship with any of them.

Please know that I understand your frustration!

Kristen

[Sammie86Sosa]

I sent my brother a eamiled like that i sent it in a egram saying ill wait for a letter or your contact to give you the space you need... Idk... turned out my brother was just in the process of marring and moving...

[JPDakota]

nickychaz,
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. The trouble is, there's really not much you can do about someone not wanting contact with you (at least not right now).
You wrote: I know that you are right, but I also know that there is a chance that my brothers might accept me abd welcome some type if contact. I just want to know for sure. I think that it is better to know so that I can get on with my life.I am no expert, but it is my counsel that you do just that, go on with your life (so much easier said than done). Please don't allow someone else's actions determine how you feel. You might try again in a couple of years. As someone pointed out, it may just take your bmom a long time to come around. I also think that contacting your bbrothers may slam shut whatever doors may be open, just a little bit.
Sorry for your angst.

[sherrykimball]

my story isn't like your as my bparnets have both passed away and my sibling are alot older. I have contact with 2 of my sisters both 2 of them don't belive me anyway I send a Christmas card to them and give my e-mail phone # and address and tell them I will be here when their really Your bmom may just need time I know its hard to wait but really think about what your going to do .whatever it is GOOD LUCK and let us know