[mcq]

Hi,
new here, but have read much as a guest. I am a partner of an adoptee and we currently are having major difficulties.I have read a few posts by people saying they feel shut out and tested.I too have experienced this. My issue now is that I feel my partner is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life. I suppose I'm trying to figure out if this has anything to do with his being adopted or if this is a personality trait. It is as if the whole world revolves around this person sometimes, and the attitude is like, forget everyone else,and other responsibilities, I'm going to do whatever I feel like, when I feel like it. Are there any male adoptees who act this way and could shed some light on these actions?-or females who have experienced same thing? how did you deal with the situation?

[dl]

mcq ~

It is as if the whole world revolves around this person sometimes, and the attitude is like, forget everyone else,and other responsibilities, I'm going to do whatever I feel like, when I feel like it.

There are many people that have this attitude that were not adopted ~ both male and female. I know two young men whose Mother (biological) treated them, when they were growing up, as if "the whole world" revolved around them. No surprise that they evolved into very self absorbed adults.

Keep in mind that you cannot change someone else. You can only change how you react to them. If this behavior is causing major difficulties, perhaps you need to evaluate if this is the right partner for you.

Best of Luck!

[carolynppk]

Dear mcq,

While I fully acknowledge that there are many who have issues from being adopted, I highly disagree with using it as an excuse. There are many people I know that are raised by two parents in wonderful homes that have the same issues I deal with. And while I think it may be insightful to know where certain feelings and behaviours come from, using them as an excuse for your actions is wrong. So saying that this person is self centered because he was adopted, so it's okay, he has a reason to be self-centered is wrong. I am very insecure but to place blame on my adoption for these insecurities is wrong. I have to be responsible for my feelings. WHen I feel insecure, yeah, maybe it stems from adoption, maybe it stems from something else, like losing my husband and being a widow at 33 with three young kids, fact of the matter is when something happens I have to be responsible for my reaction. If I am insecure about something, I have to pull back, look at the situation and ask myself am what I am feeling real. My friend didn't call, they must hate me. Stop, just because they didn't call, doesn't mean they don't hate you, thinki it out, they are probably busy. Where did being adopted come into that equasion? Same as being selfish, I don't understand it. I think you have to ask yourself how much are you willing to accept in his selfishness. Being adopted has nothing to do with it. Does that give him a "right" to be selfish? It just looks like he is trying to pin his poor behaviour on something and not own up to his behaviour. What are you willing to accept and allow is the real question. Because if you accept that he is this way because he is adopted, that it is a valid excuse for behaving this way, then it is a behaviour that will never change. How much are you willing to deal with?

Carolyn

[mcq]

thank you dl & carolyn for quick responses, as both of you suggested I have much thinking to do, I suppose i'm searching for the root of the problem. Maybe I'm just jealous that I feel i can't act the same way. I guess lately not feeling I'm treated as a partner but a personal assitant is angering me. I understand the insecurity and control issues, and we've discussed these. However @ the moment, am at a bit of a loss.
Thanks for listening
xoxo

[carolynppk]

Good luck, mcq. Do not allow yourself to be walked over and have his adoption be an excuse. It is one thing to understand someones behaviour, it is another to accept that behaviour. My husband has a terrible anger problem. He is not abusive, don't mean to mislead, he is just a yeller. His father did this and it was the way he was raised. Do I understand his behaviour, you bet, it was the only way he knew to talk growing up, do I accept it, not on your life. He works very hard on controlling it. And he can as I point out to him, because he would never dream yell at a stranger. It is all a matter of choice. Again, good luck!


Carolyn

[mcq]

yelling? boy, do I know that one.His 11 yr old just told me on the weekend how she is afraid of him. I'm not afraid, yelling is just a power tactic sometimes. Anything to win an argument!

[carolynppk]

keep us updated on how things go. I'll be thinking of you!!!


Carolyn

[Sammie86Sosa]

I have learned in my early childhood devlopment class i learned that most children are egocentric... something like that... if they are not raised well they might not grow out of it. Just to let you know..

[mcq]

carolyn-got a bouquet of flowers last night, it's a start!

sammiesosa- not sure how well he was raised, his mother has passsed away, his dad is pretty tough, apparently was tougher on his brother, who is also adopted(different mums)the brother nobody really speaks to, he sort of turned to a life of crime in his youth. He's never invited to any family functions ie:Thanksgiving this weekend. While my partner is super close to his dad. Maybe the selfishness, controlling etc, behaviour stems from trying to compete with his brother for parents attention?

[carolynppk]

Dear Jodi,

It is a start! How serious are the two of you? I see you write partner but do not say fiancee or whatever. Have you thought about getting counseling together? If he is worth it then he is worth trying to successfully working out your probelms. I think it goes best when working with a couselor because it isn't you saying he is this way or that, it is a third party pointing out things to both of you. Good luck Jodi! I am thinking of you. Keep me updated.

Carolyn

[mcq]

quite serious, we live together and work together-maybe I just need to get away for a weekend haha! I don't think he'd go for counselling.Fortunately we can talk to each other well,-after the emotions have subsided. Sometimes I think we try to push each other away. Every woman he's loved has walked away from him, and every man I've loved has done the same. What a pair.

[carolynppk]

I know what you mean. When Frank is angry, there is no point to talking, he is irrational. If I can bite my tongue and wait for the emotions to subside, he is very responsive to what I have to say and can see, "the error of HIS ways!" We all have faults, it's determining what we can and can't live with.


Carolyn