[lostdawn]

i know all about the non id info. what about after that? i am feeling so alone in these forums, never been responded to, only peeking into other peoples lives and getting upset at the parallels. i am a voyeur!! i know next to nothing. afamily is tight lipped. agency has nothing for me. i am so numb i don't know what to feel anymore. i feel like i'm ready to cry for seemingly no reason. i want a mother. i know she's out there. and it's absolute torture for me to think that i will never know anything. i will never look into the eyes of what i came from. i will never have that sense of belonging.i just feel so empty. and now after writing that i will apologize...i know i am a self-pitying fool. i need to press on.

[carolynppk]

Dear Dawn,

I am so sorry for your pain. There are many people here and in the chat that can give you excellent search advice. I got my info on a fluke. I just wanted you to know that I care and many others here do too. Know that we lift you and support you and can relate to what you are going through. You will never be alone in your walk here. ((((((((((Dawn)))))))). I am so sorry.

Carolyn

[sal]

I'm a reunited adoptee.....many of my feelings of peace with it all came after the reunion......BUT... one thing that I'd like to pass on to you is.......you are EXACTLY WHO you are supposed to be......I was very different from my amother and always thought of myself as somehow a failure when I wasn't who she thought I was supposed to be. Being reunited I realized that my personality is that of my bmother and her family ...I know what not knowing that did to me... BUT...I know that somehow I had to either search for any information that I could find....OR find a way to deal with not knowing......either way... I think I would have found some peace... Hang in there and come back either here or the chat room....there are some WONDERFUL people there that have given me incredible support! sal

[lostdawn]

thank you both so much for replying...i'm feeling so down and low. something that's not usual for me. it's amazing what a little support can do. thank you so much.

[Montraviatommyg]

Dawn,

I joined the forums after reuniting with my son and it has been a good move as I have had so much support over the past year. Hang on in there and loads of ((((HUGS)))).

Pip

[numbr1dbcksfan]

((DAWN)) I hope you feel better.... and I hope eventually you get your hands on the info you are looking for.

[KristineMarie]

I can try to help you. Do you have the name of your mother? -Kristy

[sherrykimball]

lostdawn
do u have any information at all her name place of birth anything that could help your on the roller coaster ride you just can't stop someone here maybe able to help you or give you some pointers just telling your story helps I'm sorry you felt so sad and upset I've been reunited for a year with part of my bfamily I wish you all the luck there is

[lostdawn]

The only info that I have is my b-day..12/25/76 I was born in Seattle. The agency my aparents went through was Medina, which I now believe has changed to the name Amara. I have no idea what my bmoms name is or the hospital I was born in. Thanks for your interest. It's helped me a lot.

[anifish]

Lost dawn, Just giving you a little more support, when I first came to the forums I so wanted to reach out, it was a feeling inside of me so strong. I felt like for the first time I had people that understood a very vital part of me, people that I had aconnection with. People that I had adoption in common with. Something very personal and they were all right here.

Very slow ly I ventured out, getting support from a few others from the rep system. From that support came confidence. It felt so good to be heard. People are very open here and they welcomed me into their conversations. I am still afraid sometimes.

The more I read the more all of these emotions came pouring out. I really felt twisted, confused, and happy, sad. I have started to work through it all, and I am finding my way a little better.

As for finding my birthparents, well I started out with nothing and I so envied the others that had a least a name, some history. I read all the wonderfull reunions and cryed for happyness for them but sad that I had nothing.

Then all at once in one day I had everything I ever could have imagined. Everything down to a name and phone number. All the answers about my conception who what where and when.

do not give up hope, do not give up, taking a break from it all is good. but if it is really what you want the answers are out there.

I do not really know how to explain how I felt as I read all of it. I felt like i was reading teh story of someone elses life. Some stranger with some other strangers to fill in the voids. I was at first teary eyed as I read her ager his and thier physical features. That was it. I never expected to react this way. I am an extremely over emotional person. I am crying at stupid comercials ect ect. I would have imagined I would feel so indifferent about it. The info I felt I had waited a lifetime for just made me feel infifferent. This just happened last week and I keep waiting for the emotions to open the flood gates. It has not happened. I thought that this imfo would give me more completness. It did not, it was just answers.We are all different in this way. One adoptee may feel more complete, and that is ok, but if we are looking to find completness In my situation it was already there, I just wasn't ready to see it. Deep down I knew it wouldn't.

We all have different adoption stories. I had wonderfull parents. They made some big mistakes when I was a teenager, but they always loved me. I guess what I am trying to say is please evaluate what it is you expect to find and really what it is you want it to acomplish. I take it from your post that you do not have a mother figure. I don't know your adoption story. I just would hate to know how you will feel if you do not find that in your search. She may not be able to fill that position.

As woman we really need a mom, just like little boys need a father. We always long for that relationship, any child that does not get that is missing out. I did not have a close relationship with my mom and for years I longed for it. It has changed since I have had kids but it will never be exactly what I want. She just is not capable of having that close, open relationship. It does not mean she does not love me, she does. I always wanted to be able to talk to her, I can a little now, but it was never about me just the way she was brought up. I always thought it was me. I guess where I am going with this is that I need to feel complete regardless of who I have in my life. It is abotu who I am. It has been hard to get to a place of peace, and sometimes I feel I will always be confused as to my place here in the world. I really wanted you to know you are not alone, keep posting the more you post and ask for advice you will learn more of what you are looking for here, it will help you through it,good luck and I will be thinking about you.

Keep your chin up we are all in this together,

ani

[makhaze]

lostdawn - i just wanted to say, you are not dumb at all. Don't give up! My darkest time was right before I suddenly had the information I needed. It will happen for you one day! I am praying for you and sending hugs your way!

Paula

[Sniffles]

lostdawn-
Well you have come to the right place for support. IMO everyone who is or has searched goes through the dark times. I happen to be going thru one now, but I keep a little bit of hope with me that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I went from having nothing to having a name, address and number not just my b-mom's but almost most of her families. I have sent my letters and now I am just waiting for a response. It is a dark time for me right now because she has not even sign the letter yet. Things will get better, you just have to believein that.

[lostdawn]

yes, i am very scared that when i find her she won't be able to fill that position of mother. it's something i've never had. it's always broken my heart not to have that relationship... one that i think every girl/woman needs. to see my friends and their relationships with their mothers makes me so envious. i know it's ridiculous to think i'm going to find this woman and she's going to happily step in to those shoes for me. as a child i would have fantasies about her and who she was. she was always some genius or important in some way. maybe she likes to sing like i do. it was totally romanticized. but i know that the harsh reality could be. she may not be looking. she may be a nightmare. she may want her privacy. she may never think of me at all. all of these may be's are terrifying to me. i almost don't want toi know to protect myself from any more pain. thank you all for taking your time with me. i've never had anyone to talk to who actually understood where i was coming from and how i feel. thank you so much for giving that to me.

[anifish]

It is always ok to dream, I hope you find what you are looking for. I am so sorry you have not had a mother in your life that provided you with all the things a loving mother can give. Your story seems so sad. when I was a kid and not close to my mom I became attached to my best friends mom. Her mom knew about my relationship with my own mother and she kinda adopted me. Is there anyone in your life that can fullfill that relationship. I know it is not the same, but it is very comforting to have a person in your life like this. Even if she is not your real mom.

ani