[makhaze]

Any adoptees who would like to answer, I could use your thoughts as an adoptee. I am a birthmother who, although i found my daughter in May, have not had contact because her ad-dad says she is not ready. I just found her e-mail address and I am debating whether or not to e-mail her. She is at college, so I am a little concerned with the timing of it. How would you feel as an adoptee if you got an e-mail while at college from your b-mom?

[tleroy1964]

I'd be happy to hear anything at any time. That's my feelings though. Do you know why her ADad said that? Did he talk to her about it? Or is it he who is not ready for you to make contact?

Again, in my opinion as an adoptee, the adoptee's feelings should usually take precedence.

[makhaze]

Thank you. Your opinion as an adoptee means a lot. She herself has not said she does not want contact. When I first found her in May I contacted her ad-dad first, just to try and do things right, because she was still living at home. He met with us and told us that she was not ready for contact. He said she would not give him an answer when he asked her and that he would not push her to respond. He then asked us not to make contact with her. So far, I have obliged. But it is driving me crazy, because I haven't actually heard one way or the other from her. It's not even my need I worry about. It is hers. What if she is wondering why I haven't made contact? What if she really wants me to?

[carolynppk]

Paula, I am a bit confused. (Imagine that!!LOL!!!) Did you contact her father and he spoke with her about the situation, and he then met with you and said she has stated she is not ready for contact? Or did he bring it up in generalities and she said if her birthmother found her she wasn't ready? I am confused as to why it was said she isn't ready. Depending on what that answer is I would handle it two different ways.


If her father was speaking to her about "What if...." and she said she isn't ready, I think I may contact her.

If he said, "Look dear, your bmom has contacted me and wants to know if you would like contact." Then no, I would respect her wishes.

Timing is hard and waiting stinks, but rarely are both parties at the same place and on the same page in reunion. Better to have patience and understanding, than to push something you want but the other party may not be ready for.

There could be lots of reasons why she is not ready, one may be that she does not want to hurt her adoptive parents in any way.

I guess before I would say anymore, I am curious as to exactly how it was decided that she wasn't ready for contact.

Carolyn

[radiodoll]

Hi!

I know you are chomping at the bit, but you haven't said what her age is. If she is under 21. I would wait until her 21st birthday, at least.

In terms of college , I think it's better that you contact her while she is away from her Aparents, but make sure it's not around mid-terms or finals. That could be very bad for her.

Perhaps approch now at her school address, if you have it, and make it a light touch while trying to get into it all.

I always try and remember the line from the movie "Contact"... "..small moves, Ellie...small moves."

Good luck

Radiodoll

[makhaze]

Thank you Carolyn and Radiodoll - it is a bit confusing. My husband and I first phoned her ad-dad and then met with him two weeks later. he said that he and his wife sat down and talked to her and told her we were interseted in contact. He said she had no response. When they continued to ask her about, she still would not give them an answer. So his answer to us was, I guess going on her silence, that she is not ready. My problem has always been sort of twofold: not sure whether he is telling the truth o not, and then thinking maybe she just doesn't want to hurt her ad-parents.

She is twenty years old. I know that is a bit young, but mainly I just want to make sure she has the information available to her.

[scarlet52698]

I'd be careful Paula..... she might get freaked out if you email her.

Have you considered writing her a letter that her parents can forward to her? That gives her space and privacy to sort out all the emotions in her time. Maybe include some pictures of you and her birthfamily with your contact info.

My bson told his aparents he isn't ready to have contact (he's 18) so I know how you feel. Waiting is so difficult but trying to go to fast to soon could really freak your bdaughter out.

[makhaze]

I did actually send a letter like that, with photos. And ad-dad says she got it. My issue is always that I'm not sure whether he is being truthful with me.

[carolynppk]

Paula, I might consider sending her a message. I would keep it light and let her know that you always had her best interst at heart when you placed her. Tell her that you know her father has told her about you. You just wanted to be sure that she had your e-mail address and would always be open to answering any questions she may have now or on down the road. Tell her that when she is young, she may not really think of things, but as she gets older and starts her own family, she may have questions, health or otherwise and that you will always be available to discuss this with her. Don't put pressure on her, just let her know that you will always be available for her when and if she feels ready. That way the ball is in her court. I wouldn't push it past that.

Many times when the adoptees are young like this, there are so many other things going on in their lives. Many times after they have started their own families, feelings and things arise.

I am thinking of you and wishing patience. I know it is so hard.

Carolyn

[Jessiedo]

Paula,

My heart goes out to you.
I am in reunion w/ my 20 yr old birthdaughter who is a junior in college. She initiated the search and found me.
I agree w/ Carolyn in that patience is the key word. You do not want to overwhelm your birthdaughter. Remember you searched for her and she is still probably in a state of shock...lots of emotions surfacing. She is still adjusting to the knowledge that you are "out there"...available to her... It's very, very scary. When I found out that my birthdaughter was searching for me...I ....can't even find words to describe my feelings.

My guess would be that her parents have been upfront w/ her. I'm sure they realize that you will eventually make contact w/ your birthdaughter and if they do with hold your info that she will eventually find out that they lied to her and she will be very hurt, possibly angry w/ them.

I would not contact her during college. This is only my opinion...I would wait until school is out for the summer and send her the info in a way that you can be SURE that she receives it. Then there will be no doubt in your mind.

But again the key word is patience. You don't want to force yourself on her, or push too hard....let her come to you after you are sure she has your contact info.

Please p.m. me if you'd like. My thoughts and prayers are w/ you.

Sincerely, Diane

[mamottawa]

Paula, personally as an adoptee at university, i would not object at all to receiving a letter or email from my birthmother. Might be a nice break from all the readings i have to do I would be very happy personally but i can't speak for others either. At least you sound very sensitive to the needs of your birthdaughter, something you should be proud of. I'd take the go-slow approach for now, just to be safe and ensure that no one gets hurt or at least to diminish the surprise effect.

Have a nice day.

[jude4691]

I'm an adoptee who traced my bfamily when I was 24-wish I'd done it sooner. If my bmum had made contact with my aparents I'm not convinced they would have told me.I think a lot of adoptive parents have a vested interest in keeping bparents away.If my bmum had contacted me I would have been thrilled.
Saying that though I think contact needs to be very unpressured and ideally the adoptee needs to feel that the bmum is considering the adoptees needs over her own.I think a 20 year old has a right to make her own decisions.It is insulting and disempowering for the adoptee for adoptive parents to have the power in this situation.

[Jessiedo]

Paula,
I fully realize I jumped in on this thread altho' I'm not an adoptee. I just thought my perspective could be useful since I'm in reunion w/ my birthdaughter who is at about the same phase of life your birthdaughter is.

After reading the last 2 posts from adoptees...I apoligize for my 2 cents . In looking at the situation again...IF her parents told her about your contact, then she has had time to think/prepare herself...and in the event that she was NOT told...the you would now be telling her and she can decide for herself. It probably would be best for her to be 'away from her parents' so there will be no influence from them.

Best wishes and I sincerely hope things work out for you and your birthdaughter! Reunion is a beautiful thing when feelings are mutual.

[makhaze]

Thanks to all you guys who responded! I feel much better about my decision. I did go ahead and e-mail her. My feeling, too, was that, at least she is out of her parents' realm of influence right now. This is my best way to finally find out what she wants, and not what her parents necessarily want. If I get a call from her parents, then I will know she told them and I will not bother her anymore. So, anyway, the e-mail was sent today. She might be home for the weekend so I may not hear anything until Monday, but I will let you guys know either way as soon as I hear. Thanks again!

[anifish]

good luck Paula I have followed your story. I hope all goes well and you will be in my prayers. andi