[anifish]

the calif social worker called this morning and she said she had my file and I would get the info at the end of the week
Here is the real reason she called. She asked if I had a brother. She said she had his file. She asked if he was interested in searching. I told her, I asked him when i posted my info if he wanted me to post his also. He told me that, no he did not want to find her. I told him i thought I had her name and did he want to possibly make contact. He said no to that, not no to having non id info. I never asked him that. I told her that.
She said that the reason she was asking was because she went through his file and there was much info on his bmom along with a letter. What she described in the letter was heartbreaking. I was speachless, as she told me and might not have heard all that she said. She said that the bmom regretted her decision and was heartbroken. It is one thing to read someones story but untell it touches in you in some way the effect is totally different, the understanding is real. She thought about him everyday. She was 17 and placed in a unwed mothers home by her parents.
Please everyone, I really need to know what to do.
Getting this info was like hearing it about my bmom. We are not close but I love my brother. I odn't know what to do with this info. I feel like I am safe to post as I don't think he comes to the website.
I cryed hearing this info.
I couldn't help but think of the bmoms here that I have come to love and respect (you all know who you are). What should i do.

Should i tell his fiance and she will know if it is the right time if ever to tell him.

Should i call and say I am gettting my info mailed and the social worker said you had things in your file you might want to look at.

Should I call him and tell him myself.

Should I not say anything ever.

I know he said he didn't want to contact her but I think he at least would want to know this, he doesnt' have to contact her, at least he will know..!!

The problem is I am not close to my brother, he is very private person. He doesn't express his feeling openly.

This is one of the hardest positions i have ever been in.

My heart is breaking knowing this about her. I have been crying off and on for a couple of hours. I guess since I have been here I see things differently now. I never heard any of the stories of the pain and guilt, the lonelyness, and the shame. The longing to know everything went ok.

I will admit, once I heard it and hung up it really hit me that noone had written me a letter. Noone was looking for me. But I was filled with these strange emotions like relief that at least one of us will know. I am so happy for him, I love him, and he deserves this.

But out of the two of us one, of our bmoms wants to know us. She said in her letter she one day wanted the chance to see him, if he would allow it. the only problem is she didn't leave her name. Or address or phone number. Also the lady did not know when the letter was written. She would be so proud of him, he has grown into a wonderfull man. He will be getting married soon, this is a vital time in his life.

I am so confused what if I hurt him if i tell him. I am filled with info that belongs to him, and i have all the power. This is such a huge responsibility, and I don't know what to do. What if he is mad at me.

Please help me you guys I am so worried. You all have become my freinds and I have never needed you more then I do know. (again you all know who you are) Also all of you know this is very emotional, and I can feel these emotions as if this were me, This is the story some adoptees dream of hearing. This answers that question, did she really regret it, or did she ever want to meet me again.

I have to go pick up the kids from school, and i will be back later, please respond my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.

with love, andi

[dadfor2]

andi,

i am so sorry your going through this pain, but to be quite honest, i got a little angry at the CW telling you your brothers personal file.

that wasnt fair to you or your brother.

arent there laws around that stuff?...

my information is only coming from a IMO kinda way, but it seems like your brother really doesnt want to know. i have heard from the people that i have talked to who are adoptees, alot of the men really dont want to know..for whatever reason, they just dont.

i know i am no help here, your always so kind, but i still cant get over the CW sharing your brothers stuff.

now your upset because your brother doesnt want to know.

This is the story some adoptees dream of hearing.
always remember andi, that every person is different, and your need to know, might not be his. even you recongnized by putting the word SOME in your quote above

however, since you have the information, i like this idea the best that you put down...


Should i call and say I am gettting my info mailed and the social worker said you had things in your file you might want to look at.

this way he can decide when the time is right for him... i understand that you would of loved to see a letter for you..(my heart broke when i read that) but its clear from your post, that your brother really couldnt care, for whatever reason he has.

Should i tell his fiance and she will know if it is the right time if ever to tell him.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i would be so pist...this is your brothers choice, and its so personal that he might think you went behind his back and trust would be a big issue.

im not sure i helped, or made you feel worse...i hope i didnt make you feel worse, but since you have the information... ....i think you should let him know the CW has some stuff in his file that he might want to look at.

i am so sorry you didnt get a letter.. ..that broke my heart.

[Jensboys]

Andi - I really like the choice you gave of letting him know that the swer let you know that your brother has information in his file that might be important to him (you might hint that it could be medical in nature making him more interested) and leaving it at that.

The choice should be given back to him.

Jen

[coco46]

Andi,

I think the best choice is to let him know you "heard" there is info. in his file that he may be interested in. Then leave it at that.

I wouldn't mention that you had access to what's IN the file, either. I agree with dad here; that seems like it comes awfully close to a violation of his rights, and defintely invaded his privacy, that the SW disclosed such personal information to you without his written consent (though you did nothing wrong of course). He may very well feel some resentment that it was told to you, especially since you already mentioned how private a person he was.

I can totally understand how your heart is breaking for your brother's bmom, how connected you feel to her...so it's easy to see why you would feel compelled to push him, gently, toward at least reading the letter.

BUT the fact is, you can't make him reach out. Only he can decide when, if ever, he's ready for that. Bless your kind heart for trying to "make it work" for both of them, but in the end it has to be his choice.

JMHO. Good luck in your own search.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Like Dadfor 2, my heart breaks that there was no letter for you, the letter you so much want. You are always so kind hearted, and to be put in this position is so incredibly inappropriate, not to mention unfair to you. The CW or SW was so far out of line to read anything like this to a person other than your brother, the one whom the info was intended for.

Do not tell him you were told, I'd only go so far as to say the CW mentioned his file and that it contained information he might want and that he can have it if he decides he wants it. Do not tell his fiance. I would never hint that it's medical information, that's setting him up in my mind, because if medical info is all he interested in and is what he prepared to find, he'll be quiet shocked. No one wants to feel like they've been baited and switched.

This should never have been layed at your feet, ever. This is not a burden you should be carrying. Seeking for yourself is hard enough without feeling responsible for your brother's birthmother's search. If your brother ever does want to search it has to be on his own terms, in his own time.

I hope you find what/who you seek.

[anifish]

Thankyou everyone for your reply, my day simply said went to S*** real fast. I just can't stop thinking about it, I called the lady in Sanfrancisco and told her not to expect any answer soon about my brother. I just told her he has wayu to much going on to throw this at him, he is getting married in November to his girlfriend of 8 years we are so happy.
I asked her again about the letter, she said the letter was not to him but to the judge. His bmom expressed that she believed it was so unfair that adoptees could not have access to thier own records. (bless her heart) She did state all the personal things of how she felt about him in the letter. But it was not written to him. I kinda blanked out during our conversation and asked her to tell me again.,
Dad I am so glad you replyed, you are right telling his girlfriend would be unfair and we are already not that close I would never want him to be upset with me. the pissed part was what did it for me. You are right he might just be. This was what I wanted to do the most and I needed to see what you wrote. I don't want to be disloyal, like I said I do love him very much he is the best uncle to my kids, they do adore him, I can't take the chance of changing that.
I do feel so sorry for her though, I have way to much empathy for others that sometimes it blinds my judgement. Also cocoa and jen I think I might just do what I said about the call saying there is info if you want it. I will wait tell after the holidays,, I think!! I still am not sure.
I wish all these emotions were because of my own file and yes it does hurt, but just as well. I don't seem to handle this well as it is.
And another thing that was mentioned by Dad first was that they should not have told me. I never even thought about that, and you are right. I hate being in this position. The lady semmed very interested in his file though, strange she said to please call her and let her know if he needs anything. I think the letter to the judge must have been very sad and heartwarming.
Like i said my day has gone to hell, and I have alot of driving still to do, it is so hard to hide how I am feeling from the kids, I just want to cry everytime i think of the pain she must have indured all these years. Anyways this feels so much better to get it out then to stuff it dawn thanks guys, andi

[anifish]

sugar you are in a sense right I feel like this is me, so it clouds my judgement,, my brother is different he is not me, I don't know maybe I want it to be me, this is confusing, I really wasn't ready for this, I gotta go I will be back later, love andi

[Sniffles]

Andi-
I think you should tell him that you heard that there was something in his file when you went to get yours. I would wait until after he gets married though, he has too much to think about right now.
I am in a similar situation, my aparents want me to try to find my brothers bmom. I did ask him one day about me posting his information and he did tell me it was OK. I just don't think he really cares.

He has serious issues about being adopted and I am afraid that it will not turn out good if we ever find her. The only reason I am ignoring my feelings on this is because he needs his medical info really bad.

My amom said that she nor my dad have never hidden anything about our adoptions and if I find anything on him I wil feel bad if I don't share it with him.

I cried when I read about the letter being in his file and not yours. I know it was just written to the judge, but I know as an adoptee I hope to find one of those letters. I doubt I will ever get my no-info, the home I am adopted thru wants too much money. (I'm talking to my pastor about that since it is part of our church conference)

Keep your hopes up you may find something in that file that will help you. You have always been so helpful and kind in your posts that I know you deserve it.

[dpen6]

anifish,

you are in aposition arn't you?/

I agree with dad ..totally unprofessional and bordering on illegal(don't social workers have to adhere to HIPPA?) for her to divulge that to you....it is very wrong!!

I understand your dilemia..but as we often say on these boards honesty is the best policy..now that you have that info in your hands...it is in effect having power over the situation...its not your place to be in.

I agree with starting off that you may have some info for him from his file...seee how he responds to that.if he blows it off you have taken the power from you and given it to him.

Now the question of when to tell him...hmmm again..I really don't know....is it really your right to hold it back..I do understand why..but ......these are just thoughts running through my mind....not saying they are the right thing to do..just wondering.

Its not for the fiancee to know...its your brothers info...up to him to tell her.

I ask these questions because I also have a brother that offhandly said "sure.put my info out ther" But he also has some issues with being adopted.. nothing has come up but I often wondered how I would handle it if it did. I would not tell his wife first because those that are not affected by adoption have different attitudes..she has said different things that would stop me cold!!

[anifish]

You guys are right I am not going to say anything to her, it would be unfair. And again this is about us, she might not understand. this is a realy personal thing, I should be th eone to do it. Still is so hard, I think I have cryed all my tears, andif I do tell him it well be through email, I am just to sensitve and well cry if I talk to him in person. You know I really am happy that all the secrets are revealed to him, if he wants them to be. That is all most of us IMO want is just to know,, thanks everyone, really I mean it. It has helped to talk about it. Time will heal me, as far as my part, everthing happens for a reason and maybe this is the oppurtunity to get closer to him, it is the only thing we really have in commom.. Oh another thing i thought about, it is really kinda stupid but maybe someone will understand. The fact that his file was with mine gave me a feeling that we are like bio siblings. I can't explain it, but that our history and roots were together it was special to me. And to think all it is,,,,, is paper, ok more tears gonna do dishes bye for now, andi

[Sniffles]

Do you know the age of his b-mom and the age of your b-mom at ya'll's birth? That is about the only non-info that I have and from that I know that my a-brother and I are not related.

[anifish]

Sniffles my brother and I are not bio sibs, his bmom would be about 52 now, I don't know how old mine was, she was 17 when she had him, wow it is weird to say that, I actually know, hmm I am thinking about sending him an email in regards to all of this, maybe I will do it in the morning. I am really afraid of the consequences. I know that it was confusing what I wrote in my last post, I will try better to explain sorry about that. I just thought it was weird that our files were together, and it made me feel closer to him, I just can't explain why it just does. Sometimes it is really hard for me to describe my feelings, or to put words to them, sorry about the confusion. We are far from being related bio wise. We look the exact opposite of one another in every way, are you bio with your brother, andi

[aura]

Dear Andi,

Oh hon, my heart is breaking for you, you have been put in a very bad position. I have to agree with dadfor2 also, this needs to be your brothers decision to make. I would just tell him that when you were contacted about your file you were told there was information in his file that he may want, I do think I would wait until after his wedding though, it's a very stressfull time in its self. (if you can hold out that long) The CW should never have told you what she did, and there is a chance she could lose her job if it's brought to her bosses attention. I don't know if your brother would call her boss or not but be aware! And I do understand how you feel about it not being you that had the letter. If it's one thing all of us have in common, weather it's the adoptee or the birthparent, we are all on the emotional rollercoaster ride of our lives and it has some very high highs and low lows! We are all here for you and you and your brother are in my prayers. Keep us updated hon and good luck! God bless~Aura

[Sniffles]

I hate to say this, but thank God no. I do love my brother, but there are sometimes he just really gets to me. I actually think the e-mail is a good idea. Just tell him that you were trying to get your info and it was mention that there was something in his file. You need to stress that you respected his wishes and did not ask for his info. I only say this because I was involed in a situation that my brother asked me to keep quiet and I did, but something happened and he went crazy and blamed me. I do feel that what the SW did was probably against the law and he will need to take that up with her supervisor if he so chooses.

The laws could be different in your state, but when I tried to get my court files open I went to hte Records building to get my case# and they would not tell me my brother due to the whole confidentality thing. (I was not asking for myself, my amom asked me to get it when I went down there.)

It just does not seem right that she put you in that situation, it was really none of your buisness. (no offense) I mean they wouldn't even give me my brother's case#, so why would she feel OK releasing info to you that was in his file.

I forgot to mention eailer I agree with not giving it to the fiance. It is not her place to know. Now I do give any info I find to my aparents,but that is mainly because my brother is still living with him and I can never get a hold of him.

Cheer up your doing the right thing so don't stress over it too much. Have you told your aparents about it and if you did ,did you get their advice. I am sorry I have no idea if they even know what you are doing, but they maybe able to help you with it.

Angela

[anifish]

Ok angela you brang up a really good point. I do not want to make this woman angry with me, she holds my file in her hands. I do agree and what if my brother gets angry and calls her and gets her into trouble?? Oh I never even thought of that. In my gut I don't think he will. He is not like that, if anything he would blow it off. But what if he does this brings out emotions that I never even knew I had. I am going to have to think about this also. I know it wasn't right of her, but you never know what people are capable of, and I don't want her to get mad at me, this just stinks. I guess this is something else I will have to think of. I know nothing of the legalities of what she has done. This is a mess, she probly has no idea, it all just came out naturally. I didn't even think about it being wrong. I was really speechless for a minute, and had to try my best to regain my composure because I was starting to cry as she was telling me. I never even thought what she was doing could get her into trouble. This seems to just be getting more complicated, and please don't take me wrong all of this needs to be considored and with out this outlit I may have made a bad decision based on my emotions,,,, i have been known to do that, just more to think about, andi