[ellenej]

Am I the only one who has no desire to find my birth parents? I never have, and people tell me I'll want to as I get older but I just don't see that happening unless it's for medical reasons.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and I really lucked out with the parents that I have. My Mom was keeping a diary of the process of adopting me and has an entry she wrote after waking from what she described to be the most lucid dream she'd ever had about having a baby. WHen she received papers on me later she was shocked to find out that the same day she'd had that dream, my birth mom had turned me over to the orphanage. I am close to my parents, and don't feel like I'm missing anything.

My birth dad left my mom for another woman, he was a professor at a university and they weren't married. She was very young. It stated in my papers that he was also abusive. She gave in to the pressure of her mother and family to give us up for adoption. I had a sister, and she is the only one I have any desire to find.

It seems that most adoptees do seek out their birth parents and maybe I'll change my mind, but I just don't think so. I have a lot of identity issues, and know that my adoption has deepply affected me, but I've never felt like I've been missing anything in my life.

[carolynppk]

I don't think you strange or alone. I can say that I felt that way until I turned about 37. I did want to get a letter to my bmom all my life to let her know she did the right thing and that I loved her for it, but I never really had wanted contact, so to speak. I had wonderful parents, who are my parents. This feeling came over me later in life, very strong to primarily let her know she did the right thing. SHe was sixteen and I am sure she always wondered. I also wanted medical information since I have six children.

I honestly had no idea that I did want to have contact until I started the whole search thing when I had just turned 39. I just wanted health information and to thank her for giving me a wonderful life originally, but as the search went on, my feelings changed dramatically. I was totally unprepared for how powerful this pull was.

I don't think I ever expected how much I wanted to know until the whole process started. Does that mean eventially you will want to search? No, each of us is a unique experience. How our adoptions went and the homes we were placed in greatly shape our perspection of adoption. Don't think that just because others feel a certain way, that you being an adoptee also must feel that way or have those problems. I know plenty of people who are not adopted that have the same insecurities and problems as me. So where did their feelings come from if they were raised by biological families in a wonderful family atmosphere?

Both me and my bmom believe things happen for a reason also. There is a reason I waited until later to search for her. My social worker said that the typical age for women to search is in their late thirties, early forties. Up until then they are busy starting their lives and families. Now I know this is not always the case, but I fell into "average".

I say, if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Just stay open minded and if the feeling comes upon you, don't feel like you have let anyone down. And if you never do decide to search, don't have someone make you feel like you are in a constant case of denial. Each situation is different!!!!

Carolyn

[scarlet52698]

I don't think you are the only one who feels that way. I just don't think that many people visit these boards that aren't searching.

You have every right to feel the way you do and everyone processes adoption differently. I was the opposite and always wanted to know my bfamily, but my bson doesn't have any interest in knowing his.

So I guess it's just a matter of how each person feels about being adopted.

[sal]

I ended up waiting 48 years before I actually did something about searching.......(something I had wanted to do most of my life but had never had the courage to do).....but I think that I thought my search would be to satisfy curiosity and not necessarily fill a "void"... I guess I didn't want to admit that the void even existed because I really didn't think that it would ever be filled. I have been enjoying a wonderful reunion with my bmother, bsiblings, and extended bfamily for 4 years now and can't imagine my life without them in it... My reunion made me face what I had been missing most of my life... and that was the tie to my family of origin... Being reunited helped me fill a void that I didn't know that I even had until it was filled with them. Searching or not searching is a decision each adoptee or bmother has to make... I wanted to let people know that a wonderful relationship and family IS a possiblility with reunion.... good luck with whatever decision you make. sal

[every1s]

It never even crossed my mind to search. I was searched for which has brought me to the boards. If you have no urge to search what brought you to this site? Just out of curiosity. You don't have to answer that.

[ellenej]

Identity issues, primarily. My biggest issue right now is trying to feel comfortable with my race and I thought maybe some other international adoptees had experienced this when growing up being treated differently by other people (not my parents, but society). Plus, I have a really boring job and entirely too much time on my hands at work and belong to 20+ different forums, this being one of them.

[anifish]

I also had not interest in searching. It wasn't untell I was in my 30's that I started to think about it. I am 36 now and have just started a few months ago. I think my own children had alot to do with why I started. Once I got started the questions came piling in. Like this big mystery I had to solve. Like Carolyn mentioned it pulls you in. It made me realize that it meant more than I cared to admit (EVER knowing them). Everyone goes on a different journey in this life. I just take it day by day now, and do what I need at the time. Today is what matters. Mabye I will change my mind again, but today I want to search. I kept asking myself Why now? And I have decided that it really doesn't matter why now. It is just something I want, and am not going to read into my purpose anymore. I almost made myself nuts wondering about all the whys. Life is just easier enjoying where you are,then to wonder WHY all the time. Just my thoughts, Good luck with your journey in life, and I hope you work out the identity issues. As you get older you will start to grow out of them. We all do.
andi
andi

[joevo]

It's interesting that you don't really want to find your bmom. I found through a confidentail intermediatry in a state that allows that sort of thing. If I had not used them the odds of my finding would have been slim to none.

I for one was not looking for bmom, but for siblings. I was an only so it may it more of an urge to find my brother and sister.

I have a wonderful realtionship with my two sisters, one who is 2 years younger. My first funeral was my younger brother, and I as far as bmom is concerned, it is a civil relationship. I had a mother and father, I did not need bmom.

This is to say that one does not have to go looking for bparents, they can look for siblings and I think that is where it is at but then I'm bias that way. By the way my wife of now 30 years says I am no longer fractured, that I am now whole in identity, what a difference and ID makes.

[Autore3]

I agree with you. I am going on almost 10 years of searching and something that went off in my head recently that I don't want a reunion. I had a bad relationship with my adoptive mom and she and my adoptive dad are both gone now. Her last years she was really sick. I think now what a relationship with my birth mom would be different? This would be someone that is a complete stranger to me and only related by blood. Who knows if I have brothers or sisters. Would they be perfect and not have any problems that I don't need. In the beginning I thought there would be a fairytale ending, now my eyes are open.

[snuffie]

Hi
I was an adoptee who always wanted to know. There was always this mystery when I looked in the mirror. Who do I look like? Who do I act like?
Whose genes are in this body of mine. I was always interested in my heritage. Am I Irish? Am I German? And also because of health problems where did they come from too.

After many years I am finally reunited with my bfamily (bmom's side) My bmom is gone so I will never know what kind of relationship there could have been with her. I have 8 brothers and sisters who have exceeded any expectations I may have had. And there are a lot of similarities between us.
There is a definitely a huge "connection" there.

I know not all adoptees have the desire to search. It is a very scary prospect - like not knowing what lurks behind a locked door in a tense moment in a movie. But I'm glad I found the "key". Not only is it a scary thing but there are so many feelings involved that have been buried. Not everyone wants to "go" there. And some adoptees are just happy the way things are. I believe a great deal has to do with one's personality and expectations too.

I agree that adoptees who have no desire to search are usually not on this forum. So if you decide some day to search or if you decide never to do so - I wish you happiness.

Hugs
Snuffie

[jmherbert]

Ellenej - I think scarlet52698 said the right thing, why post on a search page if you are not searching. I think there are alot of people out there that have no desire to search.
Personally, I don't want my adoption records opened, I have no desire to physically meet my birthmother, but I enjoy researching, and if I can find something online or just for my information about my birth parents, great.
In my eyes, I have a perfect life, I have no reason to search for a missing link and though it's hard for me to understand how anyone can go through 9months of pregnancy hell, then give up the child, I do understand situations are different for everyone. I thoroughly believe my birthmother gave me up because it was best for everyone.
One thing on these forums I have noticed, A LOT of people searching have serious issues, meaning have not had a good past and are looking for an escape or something better. Personally, I don't think finding someone you've never known will solve those issues but whatever works.

[antifloyd]

Ellenej, you're not alone. My boyfriend is adopted and says his parents are his parents, no desire to search. I don't know if he will ever change his mind. He is almost 40, maybe some mid-life crisis will come over him and make him decide differently, maybe not. He seems content, and I don't think he has identity issues ... I can certainly see the nurture in "nuture vs nature" in him, his personality traits are a lot like his adad!
As a birthmom, it never occurred to me that my daughter wouldn't want to know me, and thank goodness she did! But for a long time, she had no particular interest in her bdad, up until she got married and then she told me it was just for medical reasons. I think it is more, but they are having a much more difficult time developing a relationship than she and I did.
Like the others, it seems a little strange to me that if you don't want to search, you would come to these forums. On the other hand, it's certainly a good place to meet other adoptees who have some of the same identity issues that you do. And if you ever decide to search, it's a great place to start.

[Jen29]

Hi i'm sorry you have no desire to search.you were born in Oregon? when is your birthdate?

[Duchie]

Ellenej -

I'm a reunited adoptee that waited until I was 37 to really consider looking. The curiosity was always there, but the fear of the unknown was there too. It can be very consuming because you're not sure what you will encounter.

I too had more of a desire to find siblings then anything else. I found 6 of them along with my birthmom.

You're not alone in your feelings. There's some that feel the need to find their roots early and some never want to find it. It's a personal decision that only you can make. But I have to say that you found a wonderful place for support!!!!

I was raised in a wonderful and loving family. I agree with you that things do happen for a reason. When I did find my birthfamily I found that they enriched my life instead of replacing my life. There's a huge difference. You don't have to give up one for another. I truly feel that some adoptees feel that once they reunite they must choose. It doesn't have to be that way.

Good luck in your decisions. They're not easy that's for sure.

Peace,
Duchie

[ellenej]

I'm sorry, I didn't know this was a "Search Forum" I thought it said "Adoptee support." Well, I'm an adoptee, and I need some support, so I decided to post. I guess most of you are searching, but I saw some posts about identity issues, and feelings towards being adopted, so I didn't think it would be strange to post here, but maybe it is.

I do eventually want to search for my sister. It is really not practical right now, as I don't even know her last name, and she probably lives over in Korea somewhere. I have all the records I can get on my birth family and it is very little. The Holt agency told my parents I could pay something like $250.00 and ask three questions but they might not be able to answer them. I thought that was really weird... I am too busy right now with work and college to try to dedicate any amount of time to it, and I guess I don't feel a huge sense of urgency, either.