[Bonnie S.]

Hi. I am the amom to a wonderful 6 year old son who came to us through the miracle of adoption. We have always used the word adoption around him, and told him his story of how he came to be our son. We read books about adoption together and he knows his birthmom's first name and that he grew in her tummy. We send bmom letters and photos twice each year (semi-open).

My question is this: I know he is still young, but there are days he flat out says he doesn't want to talk about his adoption. He rarely asks questions about it or his bparents. Is this the usual manner of kids this age? I don't want to push the topic, but try to gently encourage a dialogue.

Any responses to this are welcome.

[every1s]

I am an adoptee. I don't remember ever not knowing I was adopted just as your son will someday also be able to say. Mine was a closed adoption so there was a little more mystery involved such as my parents were never able to tell me my birthmother's name. My parents were not very emotional about explaining my adoption to me growing up so it never felt like an "every day" conversation but they would mention it occasionally as I got older they would say things like "do you ever think of your birthmother?" or basic references like "I wonder if you got (some genetic trait) from your birthmother or birthfather". There were always the inside joke between me and my parents when someone would unknowingly say I got my ***from them. However, everytime we would talk about it I always got a little uncomfortable...still do as an adult especially now that I'm in a reunion. Maybe, even to a six year old, it's a reminder that no matter how much he is loved by you that he is different than other people. Or that he's expected to be affected by it and at this point really isn't. If he is like me, as he grows he will want to be just like everyone else and not have it constantly pointed out that he is "special".

It seems that it is evident to him that he is adopted. Maybe back off of the story for a while unless he asks about it. You are probably so proud to be his mom and want him to know that but he just needs to be a kid. Yes, he needs to know he is adopted but there will be plenty of time as he grows to let him lead you in how much he wants his adoption to be the focus of his life. He knows you love him and find him uniquely special because you waited to be a mother to him...even if you don't tell him that all the time.

P.S. Some days growing up, I loved being adopted. I loved the attention from classmates as they were fascinated with it. Other days I wanted to say to them 'I'm just like you, my mom is to my like your mom is to you' when people would say unthinking comments. Even at six, your child might be having conflicting emotion's that way. One day its exciting to talk about. The next its exasperating. I hope this long reponse gives you a little insight.

[every1s]

one more thing. I don't remember one time in all my years ever asking my parents about my birthfamily. Never once. Maybe it was because I didnt' want to hurt their feelings by asking about "my other family". I didn't want them to think I was overly interested. I let them lead me. Just something to keep in mind for the future years when your son becomes older.

[levigram]

Every1's,

What a very developmentally appropriate response to your adoption. You gave excellent advice to Bonnie. Kids need to be kids and not feel "different" or "special" because of adoption all the time.

Children have a great way of asking questions when they are ready and want to know. As long as those questions are addressed at that time and answered specifically to the point, they will never feel different for the wrong reasons. Answers and secrets shrouded in mystery makes a child suspicious and mistrustful. Being open about the child's heritage is honoring the child and his heritage. That is the best thing that can happen.

Levigram (birthgrandmother)

[carolynppk]

I think it is wonderful that you have always let your son know that he was adopted, he is special and that he is very wanted. I applaud you that you have let him know adopted is a wonderful thing and that he is very much loved.


Here is the thing, you do need to let him know he can discuss it any time, but by bringing it up constantly, wanting to engage in conversation, is actually reminding how different he is constantly. There is a fine line. It is important to let him know that you are always there to talk with and answer his questions. I understand where it is you are coming from, my situation is different, but still the same. I am an adoptee, my parents have always been open and honest and I feel that I am very well adjusted in my life. Where my situation is similar to yours is that my husband passed away when he was 35 and I was 33. I had three children 1, 9 and 11. I wanted them to be okay so bad, I would talk about their father and their feelings all the time. I wanted to handle it just right so that there would not be problems down the road. I was so overdoing it. It is important to talk about some things, but other things need to be addressed as they come up. It was hard for me because I had my father until I was 33. (He died three weeks before my husband!) I could not imagine what my kids were going through, I couldn't imagine not having a father. I was finally told by a counselor I had to back off. This is their life and their reality. By me making such a big deal out of it, I was actually making them feel like they were missing more, and that they were so much more different than other kids.

We now freely talk about their father, and when there is an important time (i.e. our oldest child just graduated from high school) I will bring something up and leave it open for dialoque, but I don't press the issue any longer.

I think it is very natural to want to protect our children and make everything in their life perfect so they do not experience anything unpleasant, but this is all part of the learning process. Just be there for him and answer questions as they come to him. Being adopted may be a bigger deal to you than to him right now. For right now I would just step aside and let him take the reigns.

[erschopft]

There is a time in his life he will want to know where he came from. This will be an important part of him developing a sense of who he is as an adolescent. At this point it isn’t harmful to discuss adoption in the least, but make sure he KNOWS that you love him and that being adopted is just being born from your moms love instead of her tummy and that doesn’t make him any less special. In fact, it makes him more special to his mom and dad.

[nhgirl]

Hi-
As an adoptee who grew up knowing I was adopted, with a closed adoption, I didn't want to talk about it either. -- I'm 40 and still dont (LOL)

Like "every1's" it was occasionally mentioned to me-- maybe once a year-- in converstaions, family gatherings, off handed references, etc, but it was essentially a non-issue. It was a non-issue because my parents never made me feel different-- it was a fact of life. They treated it like the fact that I had brown hair an blue eyes-- only mentioned in passing.

The fact that you send items/photos etc twice a year is more than enough (IMHO to much) to mention it to your son. Maybe just say "Oh I am going to send these to (insert name here), do you want to see them before I seal the envelope?"

I am afraid what you are doing-- with the very, very best and most loving intentions at heart-- is planting thoughts that he SHOULD have feelings or questions that he doesn't have. And it may make him feel inadequate or "bad" if he thinks he is supposed to care and can't feel a darn emotion or think of a questions.

Also, you may unintentionally do the opposite of what you are trying to do.... he may just refuse to discuss it at some point because he thinks you are pushing to hard.

It sounds like you have done your job, and he thinks his being adopted is a non-issue. I am sure you want to back off and keep it that way-- he's your son and only yours......
Nhgirl

[Bonnie S.]

Thank you to all of you for responding. I truly respect and admire each of you for sharing your thoughts, emotions, and advise. This is just the kind of information I needed.

Just to clarify, I do not try to talk with him about his adoption on a daily or weekly basis. Just every so often I mention things. Usually around his birthday or when I am sending the updates to his birthmom. Only once has he ever brought up the subject on his own. I know he is quite young and it's not meant to be the focus of his life, just a part of it.

He also has a few other friends who were adopted, which I hope one day will be of comfort to him. Someone to talk to, if not us.

Thanks again for sharing your knowledge.

[silverqueenbee]

alittle more to chew on in your thoughts...

My adoption experience and curiosity came as a child in waves; it waxed and waned like the tide, and still does in my mind. Even as a child, there were times when I spent alot of time thinking about events and things surrounding my adoption and then I would go for months or even years without hardly a thought. That was my experience and often it was precipitated by life events--losing a best friend, high school drama, graduations, marriage, etc.

Just thought I'd add that as well-- maybe for some people it is a more constant mental occupation, but for me it definitely has come and gone as far as holding an important place in my thoughts.

Wishing you well,
b

[carolynppk]

So true silverqueenbee,

You do have thoughts that come and go in waves. This is very similar to grief. When my husband sied our counselors expalined to us that grief in children is so different from adults. They can be upset one minute and then off playing like nothing happened the next. They move in and out of grief. Same thing I remember about being adopted, I would be in thought one minute and then off and not thin =k about it forever.

Bonnie, your son is still young, it probably isn't in his mind as much as it is yours, it's his only way of life that he has known. I think you are doing a great job. It shows that you are so concerned and want him to adjust well. Seeking out advice from other adoptess is very caring and loving of you, you are willing to admit there are issues there. Most adoptive parents just want ot breeze over them and thing that their child's life is no different than had they been biologically theirs. I commned you for wanting to do everything possible for your son to embrace his adoption and help him with any questions he may have.

Carolyn

[Bonnie S.]

Thank you, Carolyn, and everyone else. I think you are right, that it is on my mind more than his. He is only 6 years old and, while he definitely knows the word adoption, and the basics behind that, he is still too young to grasp it.

If I am not being too intrusive to anyone, I do have another question. Last year we found out that his birthmom had another child. This child she has chosen to parent. That will definitely add another complication to the mix as time goes on. Have any of you experienced that? How was it told to you and how did you handle it?

I guess I am trying to prepare myself for when we really do get into discussions...and your knowledge and experiences are invaluable.

Bonnie

[silverqueenbee]

My birthmom had a son, my full brother (same father) 14 months prior to having me. I knew about my brother from about the time I was in jr. hi. and it confused and hurt me a great deal. (Why was Ithe one given up and he was kept?) I wondered what was wrong with me and how she could choose between her two children.

All I can say is that my faith as an adult helps me know that things worked out the way they were supposed to and I have value as a person, no matter what kind of choices my birthmom made. I knew there was a plan and a purpose for my life, without a doubt.

I know it probably sounds like a cliche--but I really believe adoption is a case of making the best out of a bad situation. How a parent "parents" and how a child responds to that can't be predicted. I think honesty--in your "heart of hearts" kind of honesty is what you should go with. No one will know your situation like you do. You'll have to follow your heart when the time comes.

Don't know if that helps but just my 2 cents...
B

[sherrykimball]

I too have an older sister with the same bmom I too was hurt upset and angry when I found out about the older sisbling I didn't find out untill last yr that my bparnets had deep my older sister as it turned out i'm 53 and if I was upset and all I'm not sure a 6 yrold could handle it think hard before u decide what to do good luck

found bfamily 2004 and have finally meet one sister 2005 first part of july

[heardbabygirl]

Hi. I think it is great that you told your child about the adoption. I always knew I was adopted. Never questioned it and only when i became curious did i ask my Amom about it and she was more than alright giving it to me. Don't push it on him. he knows and when he is ready he will come to you becasue if you constantly tell him and try to discuss it with him, one day he might resent you for that. Especially when he is a teenager. I know how they are and he could turn it around and use it against you. Not that he would but you never know. My best friend found out that her mom wasn't really her mom but actually her grandmother and her sister was her real mom. She found out when she was 17 and it has haunted her for her life since then. It is good that you let him know but don't pressure him into talking about it. he is still a child and when he gets older let him come to you. Then, encourage him to look her up and when you send her info on him during the year just let him know that you are and if he wants to include anything let him know he is welcome to, but don't make him feel like he has to or that he has to discuss it with you because he might resent her for making him do it. I say this because I am adopted and I don't want him to feel anything bad for a Birthmom. She did what was right. I am glad that you are in touch with her, I only wish I knew my birthmom.
heardevansbabygirl@yahoo.com

[texasadoptee]

Hi.


I didn't get to read all the responsed to this, because I"m out the door, but I wanted to suggest making a keepsake box for him and just putting info in there, and writing your own journal about what you'd like to say to him or for him to know. Even that you're concerned about him not addressing it (even though he's young). I would just spill all your feelings and knowledge and use this keepsake box for anything else regarding his birthfamily and the adoption. Then let him know the box exists and he'll look at it when he's ready. This is something he can have forever yet he can deal with it in his own way. You're a good mother!

hugs