[grace19]

I recently read an article about the effects of adoption on adult adoptees. Some of the effects that were mentioned in the article were: low self esteem,identity problems,feelings of abandonment and the list went on and on. The author said the effects vary from person to person.
I'm not convinced that my relinquishment and adoption was the cause for my problems in those areas. I think I would have these issues to deal with even if my birthmom decided to keep me.

What do you all think about the effects of adoption?

[hprestonalexand]

I agree, whether they exist and to what extent does depend on the person. I and my two adopted brothers all have these issues and they run very deep. I am working through them and have a ton of support, but if you feel you are affected by these feelings or issues, then you need to step up and try to deal with them, either with therapy/counseling or in whatever ways you feel you can and try to heal.

I am affected by allot of the issues you mentioned.
Problems with identity and feelings of abandonment, it's all about perception I guess? and how you deal with things.

Take care

[UK Trace]

Yes I too suffer with all of the above and would have if kept as my "birth mother" was and alcoholic and dysfuntional so believe genetics plays a part too. Adoption is just anothe rotten egg (sometimes) in the basket that has to be dealt with.

[grace19]

How old were you when adopted? I was an infant when I was adopted. I'm sure the efeects are more severe if the child is older when he/she is adopted.

[UK Trace]

Apparently the younger you are adopted the worse the effects as you have "no before" to attach your feelings of "not feeling right" too. If adopted at a an older stage you do have something to compare yourself too.

[hprestonalexand]

Through my search I have found bits and pieces of my story, my birth mother did try to keep me for 3 months.
At 3 and 1/2 months she left me with a couple at her church who wanted to adopt, 10 minutes later she came and took me back, then a month later she really put me up for adoption.

You might want to read some book on this subject, it seems like you are very interested.
I recommend the book "20 things adopted kids wish their adopted parents knew" I read it, I cried, I laughed, I really enjoyed it. I also liked the book "The Primal Wound" there is much controversy around this book and you take from it what you need. But there are many many good books. You may have underlying feelings or issues that you are not yet aware of grace19, you never know. But there are people-adopted children who do not ever really go through all of this and that is wonderful if that is your case and then you are just trying to get into the minds of those who do suffer from these feelings as a way of understanding? I don't know, I wish you luck in what you are searching for, I really think you should do some reading, it may benefit you.

All I know is how I feel and what I am working on.
Unfortunately I do suffer from these feelings and issues from time to time but I am working through them.

Take care

[carolynppk]

I was six days old when I was placed in my parent's home. I feel that any issues I may have do not come back to my adoption. I will be 40 in September. I have recently reunited with my birthmother and am on the start to a great relationship with her. I have never felt abandon by her, actually quite the opposite, I feel I was given the greatest chance in life by being placed. I think that all people deal with issues. My brother I know was effected by his adoption, but ut was a whole different set of circumstances. I am sure that my adoption plays some small role in any feelings and insecurities I have. I think all of our life experiences make up are fears and perceptions of ourselves. To make a blanket statement that ALL adoptees are effected is a gross injustice. I have many friends who have just as many issues as me that come from loving, two parent homes, so what can they blame it on? PLease do not misunderstand me, what I am trying to say is I think each situation is different and unique. It is not a one size fits all situation. I do think that everyone has circumstances in their lives, we all have a sad story in there some where. Believe me, I do! I think it is what we choose to do with the situation. We can't change the past, but we do have the power to change ourselves and the future. I applaud everyone who takes responsibility for their feelings and goes and gets help to work through whatever. There should never be a stigma in getting help to work through a problem, to me that is NEVER a sign of weakness, but one of true bravery.


Carolyn

[dpen6]

Carolyn...DITTO!!!,

I also feel that if kept with bmom at the time that she had me I would have had more then some slight insecurity She was in no form to care for me at the time of my birth and 2 i/2 years later. I was in foster care for all of that time. Am I neurotic free..nah.... but most of us have some sort of neurosis.....its just a matter of degree and if one is willing or able to admit to it .....when I say most of us I mean all of us fallible human beings..NOT just adoptees.

I also feel that sometimes people like to blame some of their insercuties .on something....and if adoption is available it will be that..if not it will be something else...

With that bing said...each case is indivuqal and there may be some adoptees that do have definative problems that realte to their adoption, the circumstances and the parenting that they recieved...but its not adoption alone that causes the problem...imo

[l-thompson]

Being adopted does not define me as a person.
I am sure being adopted has contributed to the person that I have become....just as life experiences have.
At the end of the day,whether adopted or not, most of us deal with less than positive feelings at some time, during our lives......thats life.
I feel that it is a cop out to blame something or someone for the challenges we encounter during the course of our lives.
Please don't think I am downplaying some of the very real feelings and emotions associated with being adopted. Its wise to acknowledge these emotions, to feel our feelings and to own them...once that is done I believe you can then work through them....
We are only "wounded" if we permit ourselves to be that way.

[Bluevartouhi]

I was adopted at birth, and I think I suffer some of the effects that you listed... I've read articles on the subject as well. I'm not sure though if I only have those issues because I was adopted, or if I would have experienced them regardless. I have a hard time figuring out if I'm using the adoption as a scapegoat for everything, or if it's a valid cause of my problems.

[anneb]

I was also adopted at birth and have experienced some of the issues you mention. I have never found my bmom, but haven't searched very hard either. I'm now 52, a mom of three and grandma to 2, happily married. I am tired of hearing folks blaming this that and the other thing on the issues/problems that they have. Maybe we should just accept the way things are and work on improving our quality of life instead of using the 'blame game' as a scapegoat. I know for a fact that some of the issues that I deal with everyday are the direct result of decisions that I made, not some descision that was made many years ago.

Please don't mis-understand me, I am sympathetic to your feelings and far be it from me to discount your feelings. I hope that you are able to find peace in your life as I am struggling to do for myself.

[hprestonalexand]

I can understand the statement, "not sure if I am using adoption as a scapegoat" I think maybe when the adopted child has a hard time or is in a position to where they are bitter about their adoption, one has to have someone to blame. I did for a long time blame my birth mother. I will be honest, I had a horrible upbringing, sexual abuse, physical abuse, alcohol and some drug use, secrets and hardly any proper affection. I was very bitter, very hurt and confused and for a long time I blamed her. I was young and trying to sort through all of these horrible feelings and horrible things that were happening to me as a child.
When I was 11, after a huge fight with my father, I sat on my bed and cursed her name. How could she throw me away like this to this horrible family who doesn't love me, doesn't appreciate me? I knew I had allot to offer this world and I realized then at 11 years old how hurt I was. But at 11 I had not clue how to fix this. So life went on and I stated searching for her at 17, still bitter, still very hatful, why and what I was searching for when I started I don't know, answers, self validation?????

It really wasn't until last year when I started a thread here on the forum, because I was finally reaching out for help, that I accepted my fears and my issues as mine.
I addressed them and took responsibility for them.
Through the help so many many folks here, I started to heal. I opened my heart and my mind-my one way thinking and let people in and let them help me through all everything that was hurting me.
I know see the world, my life, and my birth mother COMPLETELY differently. I am amazed by what she did and how much it must have hurt and how hard it must have been for her to give me up. She had no idea of the childhood I had and I cannot blame her anymore and I cannot hold on to the bitterness and resentment of my past. I learned that and it hurt, but I have finally settled. I am at peace and I can love and forgive, I took my blinders off and learned to forgive not only them, but myself as well. Some people just have so many built up barriers, that it can seem like it will take forever to let yourself heal, I think I was one of those people.
So, yes I sought therapy and have a huge support system, here and with close friends and some family and I attend an adoption support group meeting once a month and I read ALLOT, as I am dealing with ALL of my issues, yes some of them are adoption related and some are just life related, I am dealing with all of them so that I can be a better person for myself and for my kids and I want nothing but for my kids to be happy!

Oh my gosh, I am sorry, I just went off there for a minute, I just really wanted to share that.
There is nothing but truth in what each of you have said here and everyone id different and feels differently about their feelings. But the negative feelings need to be worked through and addressed.
I have been there, I have been that negative-hatful adoptee but I have worked beyond that, and the grass is greener on the other side, if you can get there.

Take care everyone, I like this thread, it is honest!

[carolynppk]

Heather, what a nice and honest view of your feelings. I think you did a wonderful job of taking control of the situation and taking responsiblity for your feelings. Your bmom had no idea that you would be placed in this type of home. I think that the majority of bmom's place their children because they do love them and want a better life for them. I admire you for getting the help and support you needed and having the courage to work through your problems. It is a lot harder to do that, than just live with it most of the times. Therapy is HARD work!!! I think most adoptees need to realize that these things happen in non-adoptive homes. Since we have another life, so to speak, it is easy to blame that for our problems or do the grass is greener on the other side of the fence routine. I think it is important to realize these things, horrible as they may be, happen in tradional families.


I was molested as a child by a much older neighbor kid. Everything but sexual intercourse happened to me that day. I could have very easily let that effect my whole life. I think the way my parents handled the situation and counseling I got when it did become a problem as I got older, kept me from being the victim. Like I said, we all have stories in our past that we could blame everything on. We all have had really bad situations happen. My husband and father died three weeks apart from one another, leaving me with three small children. There is so much more, I could go on and on. If there is a problem, deal with it, fix it, face it, but don't play the blame game and do nothing to change your circumstances. Go make your future!!!

Carolyn

[nugget]

Heather,
I just wanted to mention that at 32 I read the book Twenty things adopted kids wished their adopted parent knew. I only wish that book was out about 32 years ago!!
While I won't share that book with my parents I can say it really gave me a lot of insight on some of the feelings I was having in the past and present.
Bonding between a mother and child should not be discredited. Nor should it be the blame for all of my problems.
I for one do believe there are some very valid points as far as the trauma of an infant. The way this trauma is handeled by different people ends up with different results.
There are as many different personalities among adoptees as there are among non adoptees. Genetics and inviroment both play a role. So while I can not blame my birth mother for my problems I also can not blame my parents for my problems. What I can do is reconize my problems, know where they stem from, and work on making them better and trying not to cause the same problem.
For me though, I had to address some of the issues that I feel do stem from adoption. Being adopted to me has been both a blessing and some sadness, but all in all it has made me who I am today.
Problems and all, I ain't all that bad!!
Hugs
Wendy

[grace19]

It was intersting reading all of the posts. I'm still trying to figure out what issues are related to my adoption and those that are not. So I'm not trying to get in your heads to understand. I was just curious about others experience.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I picked up that book a few years ago and scanned through it, but really haven't read it. I'm reading a book by the same author called 20 Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make. I just started it but I think it will be good.