[pennepasta]

I recently contacted my b/mom. She wants no contact and I suspect she is hiding her little "secret" from everyone who knows her. Nobody knew she was pregnant until I arrived early. I dont want to destroy her life now, but I have a biological brother I would dearly like to meet. My brother with my a/family has a wonderful relationship with his b/mother's children and my a/parents ended up with biological children. I feel left out. I am certain my brother doesn't know I exist and he grew up an only child. What should I do?????

[scarlet52698]

If he is of legal age I would seriously consider writing him a letter explaining who you are.

Your birthmother has made her wishes known that SHE wants no contact, but that does not give her the right to say that you can not contact your sibling.

He may not want anything to do with you or he may be excited to have a sibling. You'll never know though unless you try. When I wrote my brother I just stated that I was the birthdaughter of so and so (his father) and that I wanted to let him know that I existed. I included my contact information and left it in his court. Thirty minutes after sending that email he called me. It's been great ever since and now my birthfather has come around as well.

Good luck to you!

[Montraviatommyg]

Your bmum has her reasons for not wanting contact and probably not just because you're her 'secret'. However I do agree that it would be worth contacting your brother as he does have a right to make up his own mind. There are no guarantees that he will want contact but you wont know unless you try.

Philippa

[mn125]

penne,

I agree with the other posters. When the state found for me, I learned my mom did not want contact. So, I went and found her 5 children- my sibs...... 3 older, 2 younger. Long story short, my mom came around to the idea of meeting me (IMHO) once she knew her kids knew her secret, and they still loved and respected her.

I say go for it.

good luck!

[carolynppk]

I would give her some time. Especially if you were a secret. I had my adoption agency contact my bmom in Jan. She wanted no contact. I wasn't a secret, her children knew of me, but I wasn't something that was talked about either. In Mar. I contacted my grandmother believing she wanted contact. (Long story) Anyway, this was not true. Late March I started writing my journal here and my bmom found it. After a short while, she started writing a journal here and we then started e-mailing each other. I truly think slow and steady wins the race. Everyone thinks that your half siblings will be thrilled to find out about you. Even my social worker said that in many cases of the adoption being a secret, the half siblings are usually the most supportive. Not so in my case. My half siblings are having a very hard time with all of this right now. Before bypassing your mom, try givng her the opportunity for some contact. Take it slow. I mean, you do have forever. You have found them. You don't want to blow something because you are anxious and wanting it now. My relationship is really great with my bmom now, I have even recieved a letter from my grandmother. I think with time my half siblings will come around. I would correspond with your bmom through the mail with registered letters. If after some trying, if she still does not respond, I would explain that you would like contact with your sibling (if and only if this person is of age) and see what she does with it. Let her have the chance to tell her secret to her child in her way. You don't want to make this person feel backed into a corner. You are trying to build a relationship to last a life time. I say take it slow, let her work on this at her own pace. I have learned that there were many unpleasant things surrounding my birth. I think that is probably the case for most of us or we wouldn't have been placed. Many times it is not rejecting you, it is not wanting to go back and revisit all the unpleasantness of the circumstances aound your conception. You have probably spent much time searching and trying to make contact, a few more months of being patient seem very small when it could pay off as well as my situation has. Good luck.


Carolyn

[nugget]

There are questions you might want to ask your self too.
IMO, while your birth mother wants contact,if your brother is an adult, you should contact him if you want to. Your birth mother does not have the right to tell you who you may or may not contact other then herself.
Be prepared. There is the chance that your birth brother will be angry at you, protective of your birth mother.
Yet, there is also the chance he will welcome you with open arms.
Take your time in making this decision. Ask your self how you will regret that decision either way.
I had to take a lot of time when deciding to contact my birth mothers parents. (** is deceased). My half sistter who always knew them did not want me to contact them. After much thought as to "Why do I want to contact them" I went ahead and sent them a letter.
They were thrilled. My sister was surprised, and thankfully it all worked out.
Follow your heart........
Wendy

[krielly]

I am in a similar situation as yours. My bmom was contacted by a CI a few months ago, and "can't consent to contact at this time". Not sure of all the reasons, but I do know that she has a 94 YO mom who she feels could not deal with this. The mom lives with her full time and she is the sole care-giver for her as my bmom is an only child.

My bmom also has 2 daughters, who I think are probably just a few years younger than me. She has been married to her current husband for 38 years. He knows of me, but her 2 daughters dont.

My bmom did express to my CI that she loves me, and always has..... she asked a lot of questions about me, and my family, and how my life is going. She also said she would pray for my continued health and happiness. My CI thinks that once her mother has passed away, things will change, and she may be ready for contact at that point.

I have thought about my 2 sisters. I wonder about them quite a bit. Given how my bmom feels right now, I'm just not ready to take that step. As much as I am curious about them, I also want to give my bmom some time. I feel as though if I contact them, I may burn some bridges with her. All situations are different though... in my case, I think there may be hope with my bmom, and at this point, I'm not ready to push the issue. I'm sure if years go by, and nothing changes, I may feel differently.

I wish you well in whatever decision you make. Ultimately, I think we members of the triad have to make our own decisions, but it sure helps to be able to bounce things off other members. Seems like the more we chat about stuff, the better we are able to work through it all.

Karen

[earthmother52]

I am so thankful that my twin brother and I were kept together, but I am still on search ( 30+ yrs.) for other birthfamily ! I KNOW for sure we have an older brother or
sister somewhere. A month ago someone sent me an obit for whom they believe was my birthfather , and the same day I got an email from someone else ! He had just died , and it appears as though he either returned to my hometown or never left ! I collapsed and have been in ICU for 3 weeks, and a week in the nursing home so I can
relearn walking ! Now that I am home I cannot find the obit or email, but I will. P>S> My hospitalization was not related to my search !
Peace Out - Earthmother Jude