[tlee70]

Hi there
I am an adult adoptee that was diagnosed with an attachment disorder many years ago. I have been in counselling on and off for many years. I didn't really pay alot of attention to my counsellor when she said I had this disorder, but lately I"ve started to wonder how much it has impacted my life. I did some research on the internet and found that I have many of the classic symptoms as well as several of the causes for it developing.

I found my bfather a few years ago and was extremely happy, as he was the only parent that seems to be in a "healthy" place. As happy as I have been, It's also been a real struggle to develop a relationship with him. At first, I thought that most of my posturing was due to the normal reunion phases, but lately I've started to realize that it goes much deeper than that. In the beginning of our reunion, I did tell my bfather that I do have a problem with attachment issues and that it is sometimes difficult for me to trust people. Over the past 2 years, my bfather has accepted my family and myself into his life and has tried to show me (in his own way) that he cares. We have had many "bumps" in the road, where I have decided that I was going to withdraw from the relationship. At first, I thought this was normal..as I've heard from many other adoptee's "sitting on the fence". After closer examination though, I've realized (and admitted to him) that my problem lies within my past and how I grew up. He believes that I'm trying to live in the past..and says I should be happy that I have a wondeful husband and 2 children. He has a total lack of understanding (as do I really) that it's not about living in the past, but living in the present with what tools I was given. He recently told me that he thought I was being manipulative and controlling and wasn't sure if he wanted to continue with the relationship...so I said..forget it.

So, this has caused me to really reflect on how we got where we did. I know it's my fault and that I need to take responsibility for my actions, but after reading some literature (not very much out there) I've realized that my perceptions run to the very core of who I am. My view on life and people are distorted and negative. It is instinct for me to view people with distrust and fear. Deep down I know this and really wanted my bfather to understand and accept this about me, but he cannot. I recently read an excert from "primal wound" and realized that much of the posturing that I'm doing is fairly similiar to that of an adoptee when they are trying to bond with aparents (which never happend for me..very abusive childhood). There is also the added complexity of extreme abuse from my afather, which I think has seeped into my conscience while in reunion with bfather. There is also the added complexity of the lack of acceptance and betrayal from my bmother.

I am not trying to excuse my behaviour with labelling it, but I would really like to know how I can overcome these obstacles. Is it possible for my father and I to have a relationship when he has no understanding of this and cannot acknowledge it? I would really like to have Dr. Art's input if possible. Are there specific tools that I need that I do not have? Are there tools that my bfather just does not have? Are there any other adoptee's that feel this way in their reunion?

Would love anyone's advice and thoughts on this.

I have posted this in two different areas..adoptee support and also in the attachment area.

tlee

[Duchie]

TLee -

My heart goes out to you that you had to endure abuse during your childhood. No child should have to endure abuse.

I think that I'd have to ask myself what do I expect my bfather to do about my past? Well, if you think about it, there's nothing he really can do. I'm sure that he's got a lot of guilt and pain like yourself but in a different way.

Unfortunately as you know we are a lot like clocks. We can go forward, but can't turn back time.

By what you've written, it sounds like your bfather wants to be in your life. When I reunited I had to remind myself that my past is not the same as my bfamily. But our future will be shared together. I know it may sound simple, but if you embrace what you have in front of you and live your life for today and tomorrow, yesterday will be a memory in the distance.

I hope that you can find some peace with this. I know it's tough. Adoption can be heartbreaking and frustrating, but it can also be full of surprises and love.

Hang in there sweetie....

Duchie

[jonit]

I know it's my fault and that I need to take responsibility for my actions, but after reading some literature (not very much out there) I've realized that my perceptions run to the very core of who I am. My view on life and people are distorted and negative. It is instinct for me to view people with distrust and fear.

Having been where you are, I thought that maybe if I tell you my experience you might find something you can use. I realize that no two situations are the same.

I grew up in a home where there was physical and mental abuse by my parents and absolutely no warm, fuzzy feelings toward children. Years later, and only when I had the time to look back and reflect, I realized that I had attachment disorder - I didn't trust anyone. Sometimes I could pretend to, but usually something would happen that I would take personally and the relationship would be over. This happened with family, friends and co-workers.

I never had any counselling but have figured this out. Life is a play. You have to play the role of the person you want to be - I want to be a happy, caring, thoughtful person. Because I have made a point of playing the role of that person I want to be, I have become more like that person. Life is not perfect and I still have distrustful thoughts but if you live your life in a mature way and follow those rules without fail, you will find yourself able to go on.

It's a disorder that is uncomfortable to live with and takes a strong constitution, but always thinking of the other person and how I can make them feel better actually makes me feel better. I have bad days where I wonder "why me" - "why was I unloveable?" but it wasn't me at all, it was 'them' - they couldn't love themselves and therefore weren't able to teach me how to love anyone. I have to remind myself of this constantly....it's not MY fault. It will be my fault if I allow that pattern of behavior to continue into another generation.

I agree with you that it's hard not to live in the past - I try to shake that off as quickly as possible so that it doesn't impact my life now. Maybe it's 'the condition', but I've found that after the initial sympathy, no one really wants to 'get into' a personality disorder. You have to gain an understanding of how it happened, and how to get out of the hole you're in. I think I've managed to do that - hope you have the same luck. It's not easy, I know.

You seem like an intelligent person and you've figured out that you have a distorted view of people - that's the first step. Now you have to act the way you want to be.

You have my best wishes for a good life.

[tlee70]

Hi there

Thanks so much for your replies, I really appreciate any input that is out there because I'm feeling totally hopeless about it all. I do not want sympathy for what I have been through, just understanding that after all..we are the sum of our experiences. Changing ones outlook on very bleak past experiences and how it shapes your perception and view of new experiences can be extremely challenging.

think that I'd have to ask myself what do I expect my bfather to do about my past? Well, if you think about it, there's nothing he really can do. I'm sure that he's got a lot of guilt and pain like yourself but in a different way.

ok, so this is a good question. I really honestly do understand that my bfather can't change past. I never thought that he could.He believes that I'm living in the past..which I am not. But..there is one thing he can do. He can understand that all those experiences have shaped who I am..and that I can't stop many of the instintive thoughts that I have to try and protect myself from further hurt. Yes..they are distorted. Yes they most times are unfounded...and yes..I may need reassurance that he's not going to reject me like all the others. I need this instinctivly in any relationship..not just with him. I know that he may also have pain and guilt about what happened in my life. I have told him that I do not blame him and that it wasn't his fault, but I know that still may not resolve things for him.

Jonit-That's great that you have been able to turn your perceptions around! Isn't it hard? Did you recieve any counselling at all? I have been in counselling for many many years and still can't seem to work it out!

tlee