[PriestessVivian]

Ok, I need to vent a little bit. I've be reunited with my birth mom, dad, sister, and brothers. I've got a great relationship with my birth mom and all of that part of my family: grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc. I'm just getting to know my birthdad and his girlfriend. They're really cool, and everytime we get together, we have a blast.

Now comes the only person in this whole bag of happiness who's been sour—bdad's mom. Her name is Barbara, and she's the one who made my bdad abandon my bmom way back when. Now that I've found him, he's all happy, but his mom--Barbara-- refers to me as That Girl, not his daughter or any relation whatsoever. I highly doubt I'll ever get to meet her. I feel bad for her, because I'm told that she's an art teacher and that's what I'm going to do after I get my master's. I'm willing to bet that we like a lot of the same things. But what I don't tell anyone is how mad this makes me. Seriously, she's never met me, I was raised by completely different people (Barbara hates my bmom), and you'd think (or at least HOPE) that an adult would act better. She knows nothing about me whatsoever and thinks I'm a horrible person/monster, and I hafta say, it's just the teeniest bit hurtful. So I'm venting. Thanks for reading!

[ingodshands]

I am so sorry your Birthdad's Mum is reacting in this way. Totally uncalled for, and unnecessary, I think.

But something you wrote in your post hit me, and it is something that you have to remember first and foremost...

"Seriously, she's never met me, I was raised by completely different people (Barbara hates my bmom), and you'd think (or at least HOPE) that an adult would act better. She knows nothing about me whatsoever and thinks I'm a horrible person/monster, and I hafta say, it's just the teeniest bit hurtful. So I'm venting. Thanks for reading"

She does not know you, but she thinks you are a horrible person? Judging without knowing...you are correct, an adult should behave better, maybe it is her own guilt and issues that are the problem here....

You know what, it is her loss! You continue to have relationships with those that do welcome you and not judge you, if she comes around, great, if she doesn't, then it is because of HER issues, not anything to do with you.

Collette

[PriestessVivian]

Thanks I know. It's disturbing, though, as you grow older and realise that you're more mature than people more than twice your age. I've tried to stay as naive as long as possible, seeing the best in people. Luckily it's working as my husband thinks I can be annoyingly optimistic at times.

I know she had it rough. She was a widow and her middle child comes home and says he got a girl pregnant. What's interesting is that my bdad's little sister did the same thing after I was born. I believe that Aunt Nancy married the guy who got her preggers.

Then bdad got someone else preggers 4 years after I was born, and he married the lady because of it. Strange how the world works.

Strange how most of me says "who cares what she thinks," while a tiny part of me screams "I'm just as much her granddaughter as these other 2 kids are," and yet I'm the only one she despises.

But I'm glad I understand why I think that and that I have the capacity to also say "oh well, tant pis (french), too bad for her."

And it's awesome that I can put all of this in writing here! So color me happy. Thanks again!

[ingodshands]

I always, always try to see the best in relatives in my mother's family, and have been told that I am a horrible person....(for wanting to see my own mother, and for wanting her to tell her other children about us, after years of promising to), which she eventually did tell them, but cut off ALL contact with me because of it.

In the end I started believing I WAS horrible, I must be right? Or they would want contact with me?

It has taken a long time, and a therapist drilling it into me that I am not a horrible, bad person. That what I wanted is perfectly natural...to see and be accepted by my own mother.

That it is my mother's issues that is the problem here, I cannot change or help her.

Quote:

" Strange how most of me says "who cares what she thinks," while a tiny part of me screams "I'm just as much her granddaughter as these other 2 kids are," and yet I'm the only one she despises."

I understand, the yearning to be accepted as part of her family, just like her other grandchildren, and it can feel like you are despised...but honestly, I do not think it is you she despises, more the situation, the past, the memories, that she associates with you, the decisions she made at that time.

You are a great person, and you musn't let yourself be weighed down with others pre-judging of you, without even knowing you. Just keep thinking that. She doesn't know you, those that do know you, love you!

Collette

[snuffie]

I can definitely understand what you are feeling! A birth cousin treated me the way your bgrandma is treating you.I received a horrible awful terrible letter from her telling me in very blunt terms what she thought of me. THE WOMAN HAD NEVER MET ME!! She didn't know anything about me other than the fact that grandma had given up my bmom and I had searched and found out who my bgrandma was. (My bmom and I both were adoptees.) At first I was livid - wanting to put my boxing gloves on and come out fighting! I wanted to write a nasty letter back. But sanity ruled and I decided that in this situation no response was just better.

I think what bothers me the most is that I won't ever get to tell MY side of the story; to make her understand that the things she said in her letter were so untrue. But then I realized that nothing I could ever say could make her understand because she doesn't want to.

It is frustrating but for my own sanity I came to the conclusion that it is definitely HER loss and HER problem.
She must be a very unhappy person herself.

It is not YOU your grandma is rejecting. I agree with Collette.
It is her memories, the past and something in HER she is so afraid to face.

Collette, my heart aches for you. I have read a lot of your posts and you are an awesome person. Your family does not know what they are missing!

Hugs
Snuffie

[ingodshands]

Quote:

"I think what bothers me the most is that I won't ever get to tell MY side of the story; to make her understand that the things she said in her letter were so untrue. But then I realized that nothing I could ever say could make her understand because she doesn't want to."

You hit the nail on the head here....doesn't matter what we say or do, once they have made their decision, they are blind to everything else...sigh.

I also read a lot of your posts, you are awesome too!! As for my birthfamily, they do not want to open their life to me, boy are they missing out on a lot of love, just have to give more love to the ones in my life that want it! And forget the ones that do not. It is the only way to be able to get on with life.

Collette

[PriestessVivian]

Yes, reunions are so interesting. Even when they're 99.9% really good, there's always someone who doesn't want to be happy about it.

I had toyed with the idea of somehow meeting her through one of the organizations we're both connected to, have her get to know ME, then say "hey guess what? You're my grandma!" I'm not seriously going to do that, it would be a waste of my energy, but it's fun to imagine sometimes. Purely to satisfy my sordid sense of humor. ;-)

I'm just glad that you gals have your heads on straight. It's nice to be in like company! :-)