[KaseyHamnerM.S.]

For those of you who do not relate to having adoption issues, please answer these questions:

If you don't feel like you were abandoned in adoption, tell me why?

What do you suggest to others who do feel abandoned in order to heal?


Thanks,

Kasey

[Laura Anderson]

Dear Kasey,

My name is Laura Anderson and I'm 21 years old. I was adopted when I was 3 months from South Korea. I don't have any adoption issues and I don't feel abandoned. I think it's mostly because I read I Wish for You a Beautiful Life and because my parents made sure I knew growing up that I wasn't abandoned. I would tell others to read that book. My mom used to say, "Not a day goes by that your birth mother doesn't think of you." I guess I always trusted what she said. Some adoptees will never know the circumstances around their adoption. I know I don't. But I have faith and trust in God that I am where I am supposed to be and that my birth mother, wherever she is, is thinking about me and hoping that I have had a beautiful life.

[blankenb4]

Laura,

That was very will said.

Hugs,

Barbara

[carolynppk]

My name is Carolyn Kantz. I am 39 years old. I have never felt abandon. My mom (my adoptive mother) has always shared with me my story and that I was always wanted. Stories of her waiting for me and my brother let me always know that this was a God thing and this is where I was suppose to be. My mother let me know that my birthmother was 16 years old and that she loved me so much and she wanted me to have the best life. I hold nothing but love and admiration for my birthmother and for her placing me above all else, even her own wants and needs, so that I may have the best life possible. Since there has never been a time that I have not known I was adopted, and I knew the basic circumstances around my adoption, I never felt abandon. I also think my mother, who holds a Masters Degree in Social Work, always putting adoption and me and my brother in such a positive light, was also a contributing factor. I am trying to have contact with my birthmother, but not because I feel abandon. I think this is because I have the normal questions of who do I look like, what makes me who I am, what of me is nature and what of me is nuture, but none of the driving force behind my search is the feeling of abandonment and wanting to pick up with my birthmother as my mother. I feel extremely well adjusted and am grateful for the wonderful life I have led. Thank you.

Carolyn

[blankenb4]

Carolyn,

Part of me wanting to meet my birthdaughter is to see what part of me she has with her.

Barbara

[shirleyville]

My name is Sally, and I am 40 years old.

If you don't feel like you were abandoned in adoption, tell me why?

I've never felt as if my birthmom "abandoned" me.
I believe that God creates us all for a specific purpose....He chooses exactly the right people, with exactly the right genetic make up, to create us, and bring us into this world -- and then, sometimes, He chooses others to embrace us, and take us on to the first leg of our journey. Along that path we encounter others who will also embrace us and take us on to other legs of our journey....and some who will attempt to detur us. But we are, in my opinion, placed upon the path that God intends us to be on. My birthmom brought me here, and my mom took me for the first leg of my journey from there. They are both amazing women, in their own right....and both played priceless roles in my journey.

What do you suggest to others who do feel abandoned in order to heal?

Everyone heals, emotionally, in their own way -- I don't think there is a "one size fits all" answer to that question. For me, personally, I feel that people need to take the focus off the "small picture" and start looking a things with "big picture thinking". When people focus so much on the smaller view, they limit themselves to a very black and white perception of things. Things in this life are so very rarely "black and white"......
When an adoptee goes thru life thinking "my birthmom abandoned me....she gave me away because she didn't care, or she didn't love me enough, or I wasn't good enough, or she wanted something else/someone else more than me.....they are limiting themselves to a very narrow point of view -- in specific, themselves. They aren't allowing themselves to broaden their scope of thinking to include anyone, or anything else, but how they feel or how they think.
Once you take your focus off of yourself, and start looking at the world around you, and the people in it, you start to see that there are a million different reasons you were placed for adoption.....a million different people whose lives you have touched because you were placed on the path you were intended to be on. There are a million different situations you've been in, that have shaped you and strengthened you, that you otherwise might not have encountered.....and there are countless reasons a birthmom chooses adoption.
Broadening your scope of thinking, and taking the focus off the narrow tunnel of your pain will help shed new light on things.....
But that's just my view!
Hugs,
Sally

[blankenb4]

I had a boss that one time said to me, "Don't worry about what the other person has. Be happy with yourself. You will always find people that are better off than you but then again you will find those who are worse off".

[Duchie]

"If you don't feel like you were abandoned in adoption, tell me why?"

I think alot of it has to do with my upbringing with the unconditional and compassionate love that I received. I've never felt abandoned in adoption. I've known from a very early age that I was adopted and when I asked questions they were answered. They never said a bad word about my birthmom and were honest when they explained what they could to me. I mean, how can you feel abandoned when you're surrounded by love and understanding? Later I found that everything they said about my birthmom was true. She is a loving, caring and compassionate woman.

I never wanted for anything in my life growing up, but now that my birthfamily is in my life, they have enriched it twice fold.

Duchie

[bbdudley]

Kasey, Those are the big questions.

I have to say that Carolyn's post could have been my story word for word if you take away a brother and AMom having a Degree. Because of this love and support in my home, I had no reason or opportunity to understand the word Abandonment. I was made to feel special. I actually felt a bit Superior to schoolmates when I was little because I knew I was "chosen". Even now as an adult, I ask God to bless my BMom every day in my prayers, because she was selfless enough to want me to have all the things that she couldn't give me as a teen parent. Nothing fancy, but the basics of love, security, farm animals, hard work, wise older parents, and knowing that many people were involved in making sure that I was brought into the world healthy and raised with everything the soul of a child needs.

Since I -- and many of us in the post -- have no issues, it's hard to know how to heal a wound that I've never experienced. There are a lot of adoptees out there in the world, and I have been close to many. The hardest ones for me to relate to were the ones who were very very angry at the intimate stranger who "abandoned" them. The only thing we could do is share our stories and feelings with one another and hope that the other one could grasp anything the other was saying. I saw the hurt that adoption has caused many adoptees, and all I want to do is put my arms around them and say that adoption is a act of love, selflessness, and immense courage and strength. A teen or anyone in a very bad situation who keeps the child, as if it were a posession and a rag doll and then endangers, abuses, or neglects the child -- these are the ones who don't know how much it hurts to really really LOVE a child and want it to have the best life ever NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT MAY PAIN HER THE REST OF HER LIFE. If you can get your mind around that one, maybe it can help give you a glimpse of the healing path. Maybe also, just run through your experiences and think of all the children you have seen in awful homes with alcohol or drugs, extreme poverty, yelling and screaming putting all of their resentment onto the child, no parenting skills, homeless -- any of those things. Look at those situations where the mother kept the child against all odds and think "That could have been me. My birth mother had enough foresight to not want that life for me."

Oh, Kasey, Honey, I don't have any advice on how to heal that wound, except to look at those less fortunate than you. Just keep looking at that, then develop the vision and then belief that your life as an adoptee is likely fuller and healthier than the life you would have had if you weren't.

Blessings,
Dudley

[Sammie86Sosa]

For most my life i felt alone abonded and lost. Now that i have found my birth mother and am looking for my brith father and other birth siblins i have learned that it isnt that she abandoned but just loved me. I dont know that is how i feel now.

[dl]

If you don't feel like you were abandoned in adoption, tell me why?

I was adopted at 13 months. I never felt abandoned. I believe this was due to feeling secure in the love of my parents and very much wanted.

When I received my non-id information and then spoke with biofather, I learned the truth of my beginnings. I was in fact abandoned ~ left at the hospital as a newborn. Learning this has made me very sad for the newborn that once was me, but has made me even more appreciative of the parents and life I was blessed with due to being adopted at 13 months after multiple foster homes.

What do you suggest to others who do feel abandoned in order to heal?

There are many ~ whether touched by adoption or not ~ that blame their feelings, behavior, actions and reactions on the past and on others. When there is a true desire to heal, one needs to focus on the present ~ focus on the positive things/people in our lives. What happened in the past cannot be changed. Dwelling on and clinging to negativity only brings us down.

I was raised with the knowledge that I was adopted. I have not lived life that I am adopted. It is not a source of identity to me ~ it took place many years ago and has never been a source of pain. It is simply a fact of how I joined my family.

I agree with shirleyville ~ " take your focus off of yourself, and start looking at the world around you. . . . .Broadening your scope of thinking, and taking the focus off the narrow tunnel of your pain will help shed new light on things.....". It goes along with the saying ~ "the best way to get over your own troubles is to help someone else who has even more troubles".

[CarolinaGirl78]

I am an adoptee who does not feel abandoned. I have never felt this way. My parents even divorced when I was seven and I did not feel abandoned when that happened. I guess I was just surrounded by so many people who care about me, I never did feel that way. I also have the best mom on the face of the earth. Growing up I did not have a lot of material things, especially after my dad left...but my mom surrounded my twin sister and I with more love and compassion than any person could ever imagine. I honestly think we are the reason she was able to get over my dad leaving. She had to be strong and provide a stable environment for us and she was able to do that.

I have always known I was adopted. As a child my sister and I would "fantasize" about who our biological mother was...we always would say Madonna. (LOL) However, as we grew older, we did not have the desire to search for our biological parents.

My mother has a male friend that she has been dating for over 14 years. I guess they are more like companions. He practically raised my sister and me. It did not take long for use to realize that it does not matter if someone is biologically connected to you in order to be your parent. That giving birth to someone does not neccesarily give you parental right to a child that has been given up. We both came to the conclusion that anyone can be a mother or father, but it takes the someone special and with a lot of love in their heart to be a mommy and a daddy.

As for those adoptees who do feel abandonded, I wish I could reach out and give them a huge hug. I feel so blessed not to have felt abandonded. I can only hope and pray that those adoptees that have those feelings will find fullfillment at some point in their lives. Unfortunatly not everyone is as lucky as I am.

My life was not perfect growing up and my family had their share of struggles, but I think my families faith in God and the ability to love is the true reason my sister and me have never felt abandonded.

[blankenb4]

Carolinagirl78 said,
"My life was not perfect growing up and my family had their share of struggles, but I think my families faith in God and the ability to love is the true reason my sister and me have never felt abandonded."

Very well said!

Barbara

[itsmenancy]

No bad feelings of being adopted here. And after meeting b.mother, I can honestly say I know for sure, I was with the right family. --- I always knew, because of course I knew nothing else then the family I had... (hope that made sense??)


My point ~ my adopted family always held my b.mother in high reguard "that wonderful lady gave us you."

Now the odd part - my a. mom & I have always had problems - never could see eye to eye - but I still never felt unloved (of course I had the worlds best daddy!) ...but even though my mom & I had our problems, I just knew there wasn't a better place in the world for me.

Nancy

[Gaye1]

Hello Kasey,
I never felt abandoned as an adoptee because my parents told my sister and I at a young age we were adopted and really made us both feel special and loved (it was treated in such a positive way) - having a solid happy family life is what I believe makes the difference. I will say having had many friends growing up and my sister being adoptees, we all responded differently to "knowing" however. It seemed you either never really cared to know who your birthparents are or you desperately wanted to know. My sister and I were polar opposites.....both raised in the same enviornment yet she was relentless in her search and I just didn't care. I think what I observed more with my fellow adoptees is not so much feeling abandoned as having a "lack of information" about yourself that other people who are not adopted never have to think about......like when you are in school and you are suppose to stand up and share about your ancesters/heritage....do you use the ones you really aren't related to or do you fess up and say I'm an empty shell of sorts! Medical history,family history, it just seems to crop up throughout your life that a big part of you is blank. I liked the mystery and found the fact I wasn't like everyone else a positive not a negative! The difference lies in attitude.

As far as why others feel abandoned....I can only use my sister as an example. We were raised in the same enviornment and both adoptees yet we are very different people. What my sister lacked that I didn't was a sense of humor and a strong sense of self. She was the oldest yet to this day has never really liked herself nor taken the time to find herself - thus I often felt that when she would explain to me her feelings of abandonment and strong need to find her birthparents that it was driven from a place that maybe seeing them would make the feelings of insecurity-not liking her self somehow better - that knowing them would somehow expalin why she was the way she was. I respectfully say to those who feel abandoned that they are expending way too much energy on what could have been instead of on who they can become. Philisophically speaking no matter what path your life began on and with whom, everyone has the power to make themself whole by embracing the life before them. They may think abandoned....I think we were uniquely challenged to be the select few to break the traditional family chain - why not create your own brand new personal history!