[atx_guy_04]

Hey, I live in Austin, TX and was adopted at birth. I have know knowledge of my birth parents except for papers that were given to my adoptive parents that I have not looked at in years (because my adoptive mother holds on to them). I just started thinking about this stuff tonight as I have before, and then couldn't sleep, so I started looking online and luckily found this site. So my question for other adoptees is just to listen to my main questions and hopefully give me any advice you can, and I hope that one day I can return the favor to adoptees.

-Should I seek out my birthparents?
this one I know people will tell me that I have to do what I think is best. But the thing is, my opinion on it has changed everyday of my life almost. Part of me wants to, part of me says it would be to ackward, and another part of me says I should do it for my birthparents as I feel they think about me just as much as I think about them, if not more.

-Where are good places to go to find other adoptees to talk to?
I know that this is a good site from what I can see so far, but part of me also wants to talk to somebody face to face, and I can always talk to counselors and that kind of stuff, but there is a big difference between talking to somebody who is there for you, and talking to somebody who knows what you are going through.

I have other questions swirling through my head, but I can't really think of the words and type them out the way I really want to say them, so I will ask more as they come to me, hopefully finding somebody who can truely help me out, and thanks to anybody in advance who can help give me some advice.

[snuffie]

Hi
I am an adoptee too so I can understand some of the things you are feeling. I had wanted to find my birthfamily for as long as I can remember. Many years ago I tried through an agency and my bmom could not have contact with me at that time. So if you decide to search you must be as ready for any eventuality as possible. Even then nothing quite prepares one for this.Years later I tried again only to find that my bmom had passed away. But I am reunited with my bsiblings and it has been one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.
Knowing is so much better than not knowing at least for me.
It is true that you must make your own decision on what you want to do - but reading your post I wondered if you want to go through the rest of your life vacillating from day to day with what you want to do. In my case I feel much better when I make a decision and follow it's course.
You may find that meeting your bparents isn't awkward at all.
I felt a strong connection with my sibs right away. We don't look alike but our personalities are very similar. I look very similar to my bmom and am finding out much about her from my brothers and sisters. I have medical history which in my case has been extremely important and I have so much more it would take more room than I have here to even begin to say.
As for finding other adoptees - there are adoptee support groups in a lot of areas. Some of the adoption agencies can give you information on them. Also I would think counseling agencies would be able to steer you to the support groups too.

[sal]

I have found the chatroom at this site invaluable in helping me put things into proper perspective and finally understand things that I had always been confused about. The chatroom has many VERY understanding and caring adoptees, birthparents, and adoptive parents that have helped me understand alot of things....hope you find time to visit there.... word of caution though...........it's addicting!! sal

[kapickle]

Hello and welcome! I'm an adoptee also. I'm 36 years old and just finally decided to go ahead and search for my birth family last fall. Like you I went back and forth on this for many, many years. I didn't want to hurt my aparents, I didn't want to rock the boat, I was afraid of what I might find, etc. But I also felt that I was incomplete and had a very strong desire to know about where I come from, what my roots are. Now I have a child of my own and my desire to know is stronger than ever because I want my son to know where he comes from, I want his children to know, and so on.

Yes, it's true it's a decision only you can make for yourself and in your own time. But if you decide to do it, please only do it for yourself. Don't feel that you have an obligation to do it for your birthparents' sake. They have the means to search for you if that is their desire. If you decide to intiate a search, it has to be about you!

Also, if you decide not to search, make sure that this decision is also for you and not for your aparents' sake. It's hard to reconcile the loyalty you feel for them with the desire to know your bfamily, but don't feel that you would be betraying them by searching. It is OK though to decide not to search. Some people are completely happy in their present life and feel no need to learn about their bfamilies and that's alright.

As far as support goes, I was a lurker on this site for a few years. I read a bit but I never posted. Now that I've been searching (oh, and I forgot to mention, I have located my bmom!) I've been posting here pretty regularly and it really has helped. I felt odd about it at first because I had never talked too much about my adoption at all before this. Now it's getting much easier to talk about.

I understand why you want to talk to someone face to face. I'd like to also, but I haven't gotten up the nerve yet. There are some great support groups out there though. Sorry, I'm not familiar with Texas, but if I were you I would look for agencies in your area that assist with adoptions in general. They may have search and support services as well.

Good luck in working through this. Feel free to talk out loud here any time!

[atx_guy_04]

thank you all so far for your replies, as far as my adoptive family, I know that my dad will understand no matter what I decide to do. Both of my adoptive parents have been very open with me my whole life about my adoption, and when I was 17 my dad brought up to me that it was getting close to the time where I could go to the adoption agency I was adopted from, give them my information, so they could go about connecting me with my birth parents if they also chose to do so. My adoptive father was very open with me about it, and told me that he didn't know what he would do, and understood that it would be a tough decesion for me. My adoptive mother on the other hand has never talked to me about it, I can tell that she does not want me to do so, and most of my life we have had a bad relationship. Also they have some papers that have very brief information on my birth parents, but I have not seen them since I was like 14, even though I now feel like they should be mine to have, but it would still feel ackward to ask for them. Once again, thanks to those of you that have responded already, your help is greatly appreciated.

[6boysrus]

First off welcome to the boards. I am a 38 year old adoptee that is nearing the end of my search. All the questions that you posed are surely something one has to evaluate from your own perspective inyour own time. Each of us adoptees feels differently but we are here for one another for support in sorting out all these wondrful and not so wonderful feelings and questions.

We are just a small representation of the adoption community present in the world.. there are thousands more like us who just dont make it here..

In the wide scope of things-- i feel drawn to make contact out of much gratitude and love for my birthmother.. i go into this expecting nothing in return but to perhaps ease her heart, mind and soul.

[Sammie86Sosa]

are there anyother sites other then this one for support out there? I mean some people dont have lives and are on 24/7 and sometime this site just dosnt answer all the time or enough... I was wondering if there were other sites out there...

[6boysrus]

Originally Posted by Sammie86Sosa

are there anyother sites other then this one for support out there? I mean some people dont have lives and are on 24/7 and sometime this site just dosnt answer all the time or enough... I was wondering if there were other sites out there...

We are not psychologists, counselors or experts here.. We can only share our own expeiences and hope that others may pull something out of our experiences to help themselves.

I would honestly suggest that if you need help urgently, you seek professional help from an experienced counselor, psychologist of psychiatrist who is much better equipped at helping you resolve your unique history.

Many seek counseling to get a better understanding of themselves and they can set goals and progress through their difficulties. Here on the forums we dont give expert advice, our advice is based on our own unique experience which as you may have found -- no two are alike and no two deal with the very same issues.

Wishing you the best possible outcome
Yvonne

[Sammie86Sosa]

Oh no i didnt mean it like that at all. I just ment that sometime you dont get alot of respones. Nothing personal to anyone. I have gotten great reponses and help me greatly. but i guess what i mean is just for other people things. <3 i am sorry if i didnt say it right

[mamottawa]

As a 23 year old adoptee who is just starting to search ( more passively than actively), i don't have a very exhaustive list of wisdom on this issue. However, the important thing you should ask yourself is this: why is it important to me and what do i expect from this?

For me, i want to search because it could help solve my own mystery, and also because i wish to say thank you to my birthmother.

Everyone has his or her own reasons. I hope you can find yours and you are at peace with it. Cheers

M-A

[joevo]

Hi ATx, I live just outside Big H, the real big city of TX.

Your post started in March so this may be a moot question but I just joined today.

Have you found someone to eyeball or are you still looking, I've been down the road and now have the proverbial t-shirt.



Joevo



In reunion with bfamily since 93.

[ZoeHvs]

Why do we have to feel SO much? Perhaps we've been chosen because we can...
I'm scared, but I'm searching with full force ahead, and I'm freaking out at times, but confident in others.
I've realized that I hold myself back w/ regard to everything in life. I have trouble with making decisions, making friends, setting goals, getting organized, following thru at anything, staying focused, etc.
With this all on my mind, I've decided to search for real this time.
I NEED TO, because I just cant seem to continue living my life like this. It's like for the 1st time, I need to take charge. I know that If I can follow this through to the end no matter how long or hard it takes, than maybe I function in my so called "normal day-to-day life". I'm ready for anything and everything.

My father (Adopted father) tried to attempt sucide last week over my step-mother leaving him (1 month - an apartment on her own to regroup) This is so hard to express this, but I'm so glad I'm not trying to pretend it didn't happen. Walking in to finding your father laying on the couch with a shotgun accross his body is just unacceptable. I've already found a therapist and am ready to come clean with everything. I've seen her in the past and has specialized in adoption-related issues.
I've seen that the older I get, the more sad, lonely, and confused I become. The same week as the shotgun incident, I sent my non-identitying info to I.S.R.R. Everything happened so fast. I'm terrified.

Deep down inside I feel I'm doing the right thing. I struggle just to read and post my thoughts and feelings. I've wanted to share this for over a week, but haven't had the courage. IT KILLS ME. My DAD is my WORLD. It helped me realize that nothing could be scarier than what I had to see and do.
I just want to be FREE... Whether dead or alive, competent, or incompetent, I must know whatever I can. I just want it over with.
If it were only that easy........ I feel new feelings every day. I fantasize more and more about what, who, where I might find someone who is part of me. I can't be scared, but I must be willing to feel it all.
If it weren't for this site, I don't know how I'd have even come this close.
I know in my heart that everything will be OK in the end.
I identify with everyone, and it constantly changes.
God Bless Us All and the Lives of Those we Meet.
Thank you all so much for this opportunity to share.

Melissa
F/33/10-18-71, Sarasota, FL

[sal]

Zoe.......I'm a reunited adoptee who let fear rule my live for 48 years.....one day I just decided to see what I could find........and located my bfamily VERY quickly using a couple of clues and my original birth name. I think that I had finally decided that I needed to know the answers... WHATEVER they were going to be. I think that trying to live with all the secrets and unknowns contributed to the fear... Welcome to the roller coaster of emotions in search and reunion.... be sure to continue hitting these forums... I found alot of wonderful support in the chatroom here. I know how consumed I had been in my aparents lives... both were elderly... both had significant health issues.. mental and physical... it was exhausting.... my amom threatened suicide when I was younger (8) and I lived most of my life (until I FINALLY got counseling) feeling that I was responsible for keeping her alive... counseling helped me find ME in all of this.... it also, I think, helped me find them (bfamily) and I don't know how I'd have gotten through the last couple of years without them. I lost both aparents in 2004, a bcousin and a bbrother as well.......I think that things happen for a reason and they happen WHEN they are supposed to happen... Hang in there and GOOD luck in your search.........sal

[ssrita]

To answer your question: Should I seek out my birthparents? I think if you lay awake and think about it even once in awhile, that you should start looking. The worst thing about being adopted is not having answers to your questions. I was adopted when I was 7 along with two brothers. I also was seperated from 6 other brothers and sisters. I was always wondering what my other siblings were like. Not knowing is the hardest part. So I think you should at least answer your questions and find out, then decide if you want to meet them and have a relationship with them. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

[Carol Bird]

ATX Guy, I'd like to make a suggestion. Pick up a copy of The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide (you can order a copy at this site's SHOP), and take time to page through it before you make any decisions.

The book will give you a good idea of what to expect in the search, reunion and recovery process. The advice is excellent and the guidelines are very helpful.

Reunion is not something to enter into lightly. It is a time consuming, often very stressful experience. Sometimes it is disappointing, and even when it is highly successful (I'm in my 19th year of reunion with my birthdaughter and still struggle at times), it can be confusing at times, and at other times even hurtful. When it is successful, it is the most beautiful experience you could ever have, but even then you are torn between your loyalty to the parents who raised you with love and care, and the parent who brought you into this world.

Some adoptees really struggle with the loyalty bit and sometimes the birthparent just doesn't understand or the a-parents experience anger and pain.

We need to enter into Reunion with care. We need to learn all we can about the emotions that come into play, and we need to prepare well.

Check out the book, and browse through the articles in Adoption.com's Library and the Article Archives of ADOPTIONWEEK E-magazine. I think you'll be glad you did.

Good luck and Hugs, Carol Bird