[shrtstuff]

I found my bmom on this website last July. her and I have talked ever since and have become GREAt friends. I flew out to visit her a couple of weeks ago and we had a WONDERFUL time! I felt like i fit right in and for the frist time, I looked into a face that looked like mine. it was amazing. But my amom is really upset about this...she has been since the day i told her i found my bmom. I've told her and told her taht she is my ONLY mom and that she's not being replaced. My bmom even wrote her a letter telling her that and sent her flowers telling her how thankful she is for her. ....and nothing. my amom is so cold about it all. my bmom and amom talked on the phone soon after we found eachother and my bmom cried and thanked my amom and was so open and my amom was simply cold, quiet.....kept reminding her that I was her child....and here's the clencher-----she even told my bmom..."well, at least now we know where to get a kidney if my daughter would need one." My amom is a wonderfuly woman....i never expected this. I feel so alone, like i'm being a horrible daughter, depressing my mom. I have to walk on eggshells at home, always worrying i'm going to hurt my mom. is anyone else going through this? I wish i had some one who understood.

[michellemartin]

There is no such thing as a bad daughter. You are not a bad daughter. I'm not an adoptee, or an amom, so I have no idea what she's feeling. I'm sorry this is so tough for her to have your bmom back in your life. Even though you've told her not to worry, maybe she's still afraid of what might happen. I'd say write a letter to her. Tell her everything. Then dont give it to her, but sit her down and talk to her. Use your letter as a guide of all the things you wanted to talk about and ask. If she wont sit down and talk, then hand over the letter. In person talking works best if at all possible in my opinion though. Good luck and I hope all goes well.

[Montraviatommyg]

Sorry I'm not an adoptee or amum either - I'm a bmum - but no way would I say you're a bad daughter. If you had kept quiet about reunion with your bmum you would have to deal with keeping quiet about that which could have brought about other problems. Imagine what it would have been like if your amum found out at a later date about your reunion. Your amum isn't a bad person either, she is dealing with you having contact with your bmum and it sounds like self protection to me, maybe she is frightened of losing you now. Hang on in there you are doing all the right things and just keep letting your amum know how much you love her - you've already quite rightly told her she is still your mum and always will be.

Philippa

[bromanchik]

There is a great booklet called "Couragous Blessings" that is written to adoptive parents in reunion or whose children are searching. It is compassionate, but firm in the stance that an adoptee has a right to know their birthfamily and that it is a "couragous blessing" to an adoptive child when an adoptive parent supports and affirms that.

It is beautifully written by an adoptee, Carol Demuth. Let me know if you are having trouble finding it. I know where to get it.

[clairesimone]

You are not a bad daughter!! I am an adoptee who was reunited with bmom last week. My mom did almost the same thing. I was very angry at first, because I thought, "How typical that you would make this about you instead of me."

Something I realized a few days ago changed my anger to empathy. This reunion is likely viewed as a "Day of Reckoning" of sorts for our amoms. Now some virtual stranger gets to come in and decide if she did a good job. Now, before you bmoms all reply and say but we don't do that, I KNOW. But I think maybe the amoms still have that fear. It's human nature. I still get angry at amom sometimes and I will until I die. But I also know that whether she gave birth to me or not I love her despite and sometimes because of some of the mistakes we have both made. She needs a little time to understand that. My amom made it clear she is not nearly ready to communicate at all with bmom, and that's ok. I think I would want to until I felt secure enough to do so too. Sometimes that can take a while.

Being an adoptee is a rollercoaster ride from hell somedays, because ****** if you aren't always being pulled in two or more directions. And if you feel anything like I do, you want so desperately to just all get along like one big happy family....that way you never have to worry about jealousy or insecurity creeping in. Maybe in time I will have that. But it's not something I expect.

Your amom is scared, that would be my guess. I may be way off base, but I hope my little diatribe helped in some way.

Claire
Reunited 03/19/2005 with bmom + one HUGE bfamily

[carolynppk]

I don't think you are being a bad daughter, I do think this has to be tremendously scary for your adoptive mother. I am an adoptee. I was placed with my family at six days old and my adoption was finalized six months later. I have always said that I would think it would be so much harder to take a child you know is not your flesh and love them and keep them as your very own. You know this child was not born from you. I have never known any different, these have always been my parents. For my mom and dad to take me and love me from that day forward and never look back. I am theirs in every sense of the word. I am sure this is scary to them. My mother has been terrific through my search, but I know that there are times she is sad. She has always had the adoption creed in our house. I know I grew in her heart and I know that I was meant to be my parents, I believe that with all of my heart. I think it would be hard for them to fully understand what we are searching for, especially when you have come from a wonderful home, such as myself. Unless you are actually in that position, I don't think you can understand. I think there is a part of them that fears their efforts were in vain. Kind of like, here's my baby, I can't raise them, will you and please do a wonderful job and by the way, when they are an adult, I'll come back and we can pick up where we left off because I am, in fact their mother, not you. I am NOT saying this is what happens, but I think that our adoptive parents have just as many fears and feelings as our birthparents and ourselves. I don't think there is a rule book as to how to do any of this because each case is so unique. Funny how fear seems to rule all of our lives that are involved in this. No, you are not being a bad daughter. You have every right to know your biological mother. Just try to understand a little the way your amom is feeling. Right now you are in a very exciting place, both you and your birthmom. The enthusasim may be a little much for your mom. YOU know she will always be your mom, but when she sees the two of you click and have such a close relationship, it may be hard for her and she fears losing you. We've all been there, you have a best friend who meets someone who has soooo much in common with your friend. FOr a while you feel like you are left out of the loop. But your best friend is just so excited to find someone else who loves to do "underwater basket weaving". She knows you will always be her best friend, how could you not be? You've been there through everything together. SHe has just never found anyone before that shares this same interest, forever she thought she was the only one. But right now you feel like the one on the outside looking in. That is kind of how I equate how our adoptive mom's feel. They've done everything for us, loved us as if we are their own and then comes along this person and they feel replaced. WE know they aren't replaced and can never be replaced, but it is scary for them. I would just try to tone down your excitement while around your mom and try to give her some time and space to get used to this new relationship. I think with time she will see that this relationship is non-threatening and that she will always be your mother. It's hard because you want to tell everyone about this new realtionship and all the new things you have found out about yourself!! How exciting, and of course, since she is your mom, you want to share with her. This may just be something you have to give her a little time and space on to feel secure. Don't act like the relationship isn't there, but don't overwhelm her with all the excitement either. SHare this with your friends. I hope this may have helped and not offended you. She's just scared and loves you and doesn't want to lose you. I think with time as she sees this won't happen and that this relationship has helped all of your relationships because it has helped to complete you, she will come around. Good luck!

Carolyn

[tricia3]

Originally Posted by shrtstuff

like i'm being a horrible daughter, depressing my mom.

Been there, done that.
It won't take you long to figure out that this is a prevailing theme here on the Forum.
No matter how much I reassured my MOM, that she was not in danger of being replaced, she still was/is hurt by the fact that I have anything at all to do with my birth mom.
But you know what.....I figured out pretty quick that I had done nothing wrong and I can not feel responsible for the way she felt/feels. Her fears are unfounded and she does not run the risk of loosing me, nor will I ever love my bmom, more than her.
I certainly don't have the magic answer that is going to fix everything for you, but I hope that you can find some resolve. .

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by clairesimone

Something I realized a few days ago changed my anger to empathy. This reunion is likely viewed as a "Day of Reckoning" of sorts for our amoms. Now some virtual stranger gets to come in and decide if she did a good job. Now, before you bmoms all reply and say but we don't do that, I KNOW.

Claire,

This is one bmum who hasn't got a problem with this comment and if any have I will back you up anytime, okay .

Philippa

[kapickle]

Hi, I'm an adoptee also and I do not think you are being a bad daughter. It took me 36 years to even begin my search in large part because I was afraid of my aparents' reactions, so I understand why you feel this way. It's too bad your amom is handling it like this, because it does put you in a position of feeling like you have to choose between them. I agree with the others who have said that your amom is probably scared of losing you to your bmom. It does sound like she's afraid, and maybe even angry that your bmom is back in your life now. Maybe she just doesn't want to share you. I think this feeling is absolutely understandable, but I also think that we as adoptees have always had two moms from the very beginning. Unfortunately, a lot of amoms want to create an environment where the first mom is completely replaced but how can this ever really be true? We rely so much on our parents to be strong for us, but this is one time when we really have to be strong for them, to try to understand the emotions they're having and to help them through it with patience and understanding.

I hope that you'll be able to work through this with your amom. Keep posting here and you'll get lots of help and support for you.

[shrtstuff]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

There is a great booklet called "Couragous Blessings" that is written to adoptive parents in reunion or whose children are searching. It is compassionate, but firm in the stance that an adoptee has a right to know their birthfamily and that it is a "couragous blessing" to an adoptive child when an adoptive parent supports and affirms that.

It is beautifully written by an adoptee, Carol Demuth. Let me know if you are having trouble finding it. I know where to get it.

i would love to know where i could find that booklet. ARe there any other good books on adoption that you might recommend for me? thanks!

[shrtstuff]

thank you so much for your input.....your story sounds alot like mine. I have also had a wonderful family my whole life and was placed with them at birth.....they have always been my only parents, my only family and i never thought otherwise....i still don't. Adoption was always something celebrated in our home....the adoptoin creed always hung above my sister's and my bed....and we celebrate our adoption days every year. That's why I never imagined my mom would react this way.....i feel like she's thinking the worst of me, like i would just go off and get a "new family" and abandon them, forget who I am. She even checks my cell phone bills every month to see how much i talk to my bmom. It hurts to know my mom is suspicious of me and is telling all of her friends all about this and how much i hurt her....and her friends make it worse by telling her that they would never let their daughter go visit a bmom, they would never share their daughter if they were in this situation........it's really hard b/c i'm 20 yrs. old ~stuck between being a kid and an adult (still a kid in my mom's mind) and even before all of this she was having a hard time letting me go, letting me move off to college and awa y from home. I feel like my whole life is being turned upside down and i don't know where to go. i feel guilty b/c I have such a wonderful friendship w/ my bmom that I sometimes just feel like flying out to where she lives and staying there....i'd much rather call her than my mom right now.......and i feel horrible for having those feelings, but my mom never has much to say to my lately and i feel like i'm walking on eggshells when i go home. I feel like a traitor, yet this is something that has made me feel so complete and full. Maybe i'm not making sense...i just have a lot on my mind and heart. thanks for listening.

[apainter]

Shrtstuff,
Though we don't want to admit it,...sometimes a birthmom knows that the circumstances our children are in are less than perfect by our standards. We silently hope and pray that they will be strong enough without us to find their way back into our lives unscathed. As adults,...we choose whom we love and spend our time with by following our hearts. You would be hurting noone but yourself if you nurtured the child in your a~moms heart. One day she has to find something to live for other than you. Let that be today,... You don't owe anyone anything for loving you.

[Volfe]

Shrt, you've been on my mind so much today...
And I didn't have an answer.

And then I had to bring my own kiddo to the ped office and of course, during the obscenely long wait I picked up the March Issue of Parenting...

The feature article was about Letting Go, and how its a parents job to learn.
And then... I picked up FamilyFun magazine... and opened to, "parenting is a job where success leads us to obsolescence."

And I knew what to write.
Your Mother, is of course afraid to lose you. The biggest threat is another Mother, I guess. She might never be able to relax and let go, but she needs to try. She needs to accept that your love is enough to keep the relationship and she should not try to tighten the apron strings and keep you there. She needs to let you go to find your own path, because that is what she raise you to do. OK so she's insecure and wants to maintain control in your relationship. That part's Ok (that she feels such, and wants to...). It's just not OK for her to actually control the situation. Nor is it OK for her to make you feel guilt about it. Sorry, but it's not.
I have hope (loads of hope) that she will realize that she has raised an individual, and not a minion.
Hold her hand and tell her, Mom, I love you, we are family and forever will be but you must trust me to live my life as I want to live it. Even if you don't agree, I must follow my own path, make my own mistakes. I need you to love me, and hopefully catch me if I should fall without an I told ya so. I need you to accept the person I will become because you raised me to be a good person.
If you love something, set it free.

Take care Shrt.
Be true to yourself.

Maia

Here's an excerpt from one of the articles (can't link to a retail site).

Learning to Let Go
When the separation anxiety is yours, not your child’s
By Kimberly Brown Seely

...And then it hit me: When you're a parent, you basically work yourself out of a job. Not only was my son going to grow apart from me, I was going to have...

[crick]

I'm sorry your mom is making this process harder on you. Regardless of her own feelings on it, she shouldn't be making things more difficult for you.

I often think how I will react, feel etc. when and if my children reunite with their bio parents. I can only hope that I support them in the way they need to be supported. And if there's something I fear or do not like, well...unless I feel my child will be hurt...I'll be working on keeping my feelings to myself and keeping my mouth shut. I'm hoping I don't have any fear though...we shall see...

Hopefully your mom will come around and you will not take responsibility for her feelings or actions. I know you don't want to hurt her but finding your bio mom has nothing to do with your amom and she needs to understand that. It's not about her....it's about you.

Crick

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by Volfe

And I knew what to write.
Your Mother, is of course afraid to lose you. The biggest threat is another Mother, I guess. She might never be able to relax and let go, but she needs to try.

Maia

From reading your post, I got a different feeling and I hope you don't mind if I give you a amom feelings.

I got the impression from the beginning of your post that you and your birthmom might have tried too hard to convince your mom that she is indeed your mom. Maybe all the reassuring started to feel hollow to her and made her question her position in your life.

I personally know that I would not like it if my children's bparents thanked me for raising my child, and then wanted to resume a life with them. It doesn't sit right with some aparents to be thanked for raising their children, as if to say thanks for raising them but I'm back now and I'll take over now, or it could appear as thanks for raising MY child. I appreciate you loving my child. I am thankful you took such good care of my child. etc. Think about it. Do bio. mothers get thanked for raising their children? Do strangers send them flowers and write thank you notes for taking such good care of XXXX. KWIM? While it does appear as a nice gesture and a lot of amom's would take it as such, some might not, some might be hurt, fearful and frightened. Wondering why all the reassuring?

It is one thing to say I think you've done a good job, but it is quite another to say, thank you for doing it. I would say the feeling is similiar to bmothers not liked being thanked by us for giving us their child. It's the flip side of the feeling. It just doesn't sit right with some.

I'm not sure you can understand this, as an adoptee, but as amom I feel like a lot of society does not recognize amom's as the real mom. I am confronted with this issue and words quite a bit. Your amom might be carrying a lot of baggage around in her and just hearing your bmom thank her, and send her flowers just pushed that fear into high gear.

Your amom's feelings do come from her fear of losing you as a daughter, I agree with Maia. The more you push her toward something she is not ready for, the harder she is going to resist. You're in a hard situation and my heart feels for you. You have a right to seek and have a relationship with your bfamily, even if it makes your amom uncomfortable. I would just use caution and stop trying to insist she is the real mom, she is not being replaced, etc. Let her feel those things without having to be told.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm just reaching out to you, hoping that something I might have said might reveal something to you.

My heart goes out to you!

Hugs,

ps.. YOU ARE NOT A BAD DAUGHTER. You're a great daughter to be here, to care, to learn and to try to understand both mom's. Hugs to you for caring.