[medicpaige]

Hi everyone, this is a bit of a vent, so please excuse my negativity. Does anyone else get tired of the late nights of stairing blurried eyed at the enless post of "ISO Adoptee 1/2/90" "BMom ISO Bson 1/24/91" etc? Do you ever feel like you have picked through a haystack with a fine toothed comb to find a needle that was never there in the first place? Finding a post with a birthdate like 1 or 2 days off from yours and foolishly hoping that perhapse your information was slightly altered and somehow this post could be for you.
Then you find yourself resenting all the people whos birth parents are looking for them, "why isn't my mother looking for me?" you bitterly wonder. Then you hope, even though you feel so childish for doing so, that on some level you and your birthmother will be on the same thought plane and you will her to post on a website, to just try. You almost try and channel that "I am looking for you" energy to her in your desperate hours, but of course, to no avail.
Then you call the locator companies, where you will talk to plenty of people with "heart felt concern" for your search,and supposedly not your purse strings, but are then horrifed to hire them and shell out thousands of dollars for them to find out who it was that gave birth to you. And in the states with the sealed records, you have to be careful that they don't make a mistake and mess up the process for you.
Here is where a lot of anger comes in for me, I am not wealthy, Why do I have to pay SO MUCH MONEY just to find out who's blood is in my veins, who's genes are in my pool. And then it is so unfair, that I, who had no chice in the matter, have to spend my families hard earned dollars, when I could take my daughter to disney world, to find my birthfamily and they get a free ride. It won't cost them a penny to find me, my pocket book facilitated all of it. So then I say "forget it, I don't need to find them, I am better off without knowing". Which is followed by a huge breakdown and the return to square one, where the whole, terrible, seemingly endless cycle begins again. All I wan't is to move on.
Mabey it is just me, and this is my cycle, but I want out of it! I just want some freedom from all oth this. I know it's my minds own doing, but I cant undo it. Thanks for taking the time to read this,
Paige

[RKnotts]

Paige,

Your comments hit close to my thought process. There are days that I just want it to end... To get past the fact that I do not know who I originally was.

I have sat there at my computer just hoping that when I click to advance to the next screen, my dob will pop up with the information that matches my history...

and when the next page pops up, I sigh and then tell myself that maybe on the next page...

So you are not alone...
rknotts

[kapickle]

Oh yes, this is all I've been doing lately, just aimless surfing, hoping by some miracle I'll find a match. I agree, the whole scenario is so completely frustrating. I'm right there with you, feeling the same pain. I envy those adoptees who are content to never know, to never search. I unfortunatly am not one of them. I will feel this pain until I find out the truth.

Hang in there! You are not alone! We can all get through this together.

Karen

[adopted1967]

Well, I am on the other side now. My birthmother found me. I am lucky you might think but honestly there are times when I wish I was still in oblivion. The emotional roller coaster I am on is pure h**l. I feel like a teenager in love again wondering if the person will call, will email, will get sick of me, will reject me. I use to have a very ordinary life and I was happy with it. I just can't take the emotional turmoil that being found has placed me in. For all of you still searching I wish you the best. I have been there and done that. Why can't I be happy or at least at peace?

[Soloisa]

Paige, finding is the answerfinding IS getting the control back, whatever ti is you find.Here in the UK our systems are different but I wish you well, I found but life became even more complicated and 15 years down the line, we have fallen foul of each other hard to believe I know, and a double hurt but at least I know half my prentage now. Do keep at it however frustrating, it's important to you. It's the not knowing that takes away the control.Take care
Soloisa

[l-thompson]

Do you ever feel like you have picked through a haystack with a fine toothed comb to find a needle that was never there in the first place?

Yep...sure do and frustrating is an understatement!!!
I spent years searching and waiting and searching. I was adopted through the CAS in Ontario and in many ways I was fortunate that once you register, they will actually conduct a search on your behalf...no charge. BUT...and its a big but...you have to wait your turn. My search from beginning to end took nearly seven years.... I was aware of the waiting list for searching so when I eventually received my non id I decided to play Sherlock as my non id had given me a few clues To cut a long story short, I hit brick wall after brick wall......when contact was finally made with my birthfamily I understood why - the clues I was relying on were not accurate at all...in fact they just weren't even true
Anyway...eventually my number came up with CAS...I have been reunited with a complete bio family for nearly two years but yes, I certainly remember the late nights on the computer, the checking and rechecking of online registers...and on and on it goes.
Hang in there.....I know how trying this can all be....I was fortunate as there was a result...a very good one at that. I do know that during the course of doing my own homework, I did take some "time out"...it was necessary and vital for my own emotional wellbeing...maybe you just need a break for a month or so to recharge those batteries??
Take Care.

[UK Trace]

I feel left out...most of the sites are geared toward american adoptions and have to search to find tiny litte bits for the uk..or in my case Eire...there seems so much support if your from the USA but its rare to bump into fellow UK folk...well thats my vent :-(