[scarlet52698]

I used to go through my moms papers too! I think I was around 10 or so when I did that.

All I found was my ammended birth certificate and I would study it looking for clues.

[itsmenancy]

I was 4 or 5 when I found out. My adopted mom's, mother, decided to inform me that I was adopted when I was crying because my brother was leaving to go back to college. Her exact words (I'll never forget them!) "I don't know why you are crying. He's not your brother & I'm not your grandmother either... You are adopted!!"

I didn't search til a month ago - I'm 37 now. I met my b.mother last weekend.

-Nancy

[Lis6191]

Well, I didn't search but I thought I would weigh in here. I was found at age 26. I always knew I would search "someday" which would have probably been around now, at age 33. I was too busy trying to "establish" myself in my career, etc., in my 20's. I lived in "ignorant bliss" most of my life, wanted to know, but would've had to overcome the fear of hurting my family....

Nancy, I can't believe how you were told. OMG! I feel for you.

Donna, you know I've struggled with relationship w/bmom, so I haven't pursued relationship w/bdad, although he wants to meet. He has a daughter, my 1/2 sis that I haven't corresponded with yet either. At some point I do want to meet him, not sure if I'll pursue a relationship -- I know what you mean about having the energy for all the drama

Sally, why doesn't it surprise me that you started looking at age 11 !@:? hee, hee

[itsmenancy]

Hi Lis ~ thanks for caring, but trust me I let her know a few times that "I'm adopted remember??"

We had the same birthday and she would come the week of, every summer (besides school starting that month, her & I sharing a b.day) I dreaded August! But I let her know several times when she thought she could be "grandmotherly", "I seem to recall that YOU were the one who told me you weren't my grandmother in the 1st place..."

Some people... but I have to say she taught me just how to handle cruel people.

-Nancy

[Shoshana]

Yes, I was the curious type like Sally ;-) and searched crowds and the phonebook (go figure - thought I'd recognize a name by osmosis or something) when I was very young.

My (a)mother wrote to the adoption agency when my (a)sister and I were in high school to request non-identifying information. I STILL remember the phrase "quiet and cultured" but as a whole, it was very non-identifying (worthless) except for the ages.

Donna - to answer your question re my bfather - there are many reasons. I was never curious about him as a child and only driven to know my bmother. When I found my bmother, she asked me not to search - I agreed for the sake of our relationship/trust and also because I'd never been that curious (I figured I could always do it later). In the intervening years, in addition to learning that he did not know she was pregnant, I learned that he's probably not a person that I could respect. The bottom line is that I don't feel like there are any missing pieces. Is that logical? Probably not. I do look very much like my bmother and just do not have the interest or energy to search for the sake of knowledge that I'm not hungry for. Does that make sense?

[InionGrinn]

I recently started looking at age 29 - by writing away for non-id info and taking it from there....I'll be 30 in 2 months, and don't have my birthmother's name yet or my OBC.

I also used to search my mother's files as a kid, but never with a specific intent of uncovering anything in particular...I never even saw my amended birth certificate, only my "Certificate of Birth Registration".

Elizabeth, LOL about searching the phone book looking for a name to pop out. I can relate...only I didn't do that as a kid, but maybe 2 months ago! ROFL..."Could it be Flynn, McKenna, Leyden..."

[Shoshana]

Chrissy - I was Cavanaugh - undoubtedly because it was such an impressive-sounding name (and being early in the alphabet probably influenced my 'find').

Don't worry about not doing this as a child - second childhoods are oftentimes more rewarding

[tricia3]

Originally Posted by scarlet52698

I used to go through my moms papers too!

Yep I did that too! I did find papers one time when I was about 12 or 13. I looked at them and put them back. Several years later I went back to have another look at 'em, but they were gone.

Phonebook searching ~ did that too.

When I got my non-id I learned that my grandparents owned an appliance store. I went to every d##%n appliance store for 100 miles looking for someone that might resemble me.

As for having the energy ~ some days I don't. My bdad has decided he wants to call me twice a week and now wants to come stay for a while over the summer. I just am not ready for all of that, but am finding it hard to tell him.

[dpen6]

Shoshana,

It makes perfect sense to me. I always was alittle gunshy to search him because I always felt it would be filled with drama...not sure he would even admit to the possibilty of fathering me. I know that may not be true but I still have that underlying feeling. I may not be very good at dealing with that so it may be just easier to avoid the whole thing! Yup...I am coward!!

In your case the difficulty would be telling him that he did father a child.....if he had no idea...thats tough. Plus your busy with your little lady now .

Donna

[FatBirdy]

I started searching at about 23. I found bmom at age 26.

Funny about the bfather thing. I never had much interest in him either. I did want his name, info. etc. but never really wanted to know him. I hear you Elizabeth on not missing any pieces re: not knowing bdad. I did go on to communicate with my bdad but no f2f. I ended it after a bit becasue he is such a weirdo. I have always felt strange for so very badly wanting to be a part of and know my bmom but really didn't care much about my bdad. Btw, after meeting bdad I figured out pretty fast that he doesn't care much about me either. Maybe it's something I sensed in my being?? More likely a socially constructed norm re mother vs. fatherhood.

[mdiebel]

48... I "searched" in the same sense as I read others did, began looking through desks at four years old, etc; but at 30 began studying adoption issues, spoke with a-parents, asked questions. Then I let it lie for 18 years, until a priest asked me "are you Hawaiian?" I have had to tell why I look different all my life... (because I mostly live in fairly homogeneous communities). My wife and I talked afterwards, realized that b-mom would be about 74. Now or never. My a-parents are both now passed on. I have processed that confused and probably erroneous "loyalty" feeling... and within six months of landing at this web site made contact with my b-mom. Met her in December 2004 in Honolulu.

Am a secret son there in Hawaii, but the relationship is begun and as she put it, "I want to salvage whatever I can."

[tricia3]

So you've been lurking in the shadows ~ hmm

Well glad you decided to voice your presense. I'm always interested in what male adoptees have to say. I think for the most part (I may be wrong) men don't typically search. I'm married to an adoptee and he had no interest in finding his bfamily, until I found mine.
Just curious how you Y chromosomes think.

[chris1965]

I first began to 'dabble' with a seach when I was 21 but didn't get very far, but wasn't until a few days after I turned 38 that I took the plunge and went all out.

I found my birth mother a year and a half later. And she was very glad.

Chris

[hopeful0712]

Originally Posted by tricia3

My bdad has decided he wants to call me twice a week and now wants to come stay for a while over the summer. I just am not ready for all of that, but am finding it hard to tell him.

I know it is hard to be honest sometimes and not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but in the long run isn't not being honest only going to hurt you more? It's great that you are in reunion, don't get me wrong. Just tell him that you are not ready. You need to take care of yourself and your feelings first. You need to do what your heart is telling you. I hope you have not found offense in anything I have said. I am a searching bmom and if I was your bdad and you asked me to slow down I would understand. He is probably just so happy that he has a second chance and doesn't want to waste any more time in getting to know you. Best of luck to you and God bless!

[scarlet52698]

Seems like the "average" search age is somewhere in the 30's?

I've often wondered if more women search than men too.