[LorraineHauser]

Im having some serious issues that the mother that is adopting my son wants to go thru a lactating process and breastfeed. To me this seems a bit extreme and i honestly dont feel comortable with it. Do i have grounds to be alarmed from this?

[JulesInColorado]

Lorraine - I've heard of this before. I think the best way to handle it is to tell her how you feel. I am not an amom yet, but waiting to be. I personally do not feel the desire to do this, but I've met other amoms that do. I don't think it is weird or unnatural, the baby does not know the difference. What I hear is that most amoms that try to do this do not end up producing enough milk, so it may not work out... I think if I were wanting to do this and the bmom told me that she did not feel comfortable with this, I would be hurt (if I had my heart set on it). You have to remember that an amom is going to want to do the same things she would have done if she birthed the child... in other words if she feels that breast feeding is best than she will want to give the child what she feels is best. Try not to look at it as a bad thing Anyway, hope that helps. Again, even though it's hard to tell her how you feel, just do that and ask her why it's important to her and just talk it out.

[michellemartin]

If this is something you are uncomfortable with you need to speak up as soon as possible. Kara's mom looked into it, and I was comfortable with that, but we're all different. If it makes you uncomfortable you may need to see if she will consider not doing it. Then you may have more choices to make. I'm guessing your not sure your going to place? That's ok, too. I recently placed into an open adoption. If you have any questions you can pm me.

[aspenhall]

It is possible for someone to induce lactation. I would want to know if it made the bmom uncomfortable, myself. However I firmly believe that breast is best and I think that I would take the bmoms feelings into consideration, but I would still go ahead with it. I wonder where your feelings of uncomfortability come from? What specifically seems wierd to you? Is it because you maybe don't really see her as the "mom" yet? Or do you feel uncomfortable with ANYONE breastfeeding? I would let her know your feelings, but be prepared because I think she'll ask you WHY?

[LisaCA]

hi,

we are aparents who did not breastfeed. Personally I think it can be a bit creepy sometimes-I'd want to know exactly what was going on in amom's head. Is she breastfeeding because "breast is best", or are there residual infertility issues? I am not saying that all amoms who breasfeed have mental issues etc (really I'm not!), just that some of the aparents we met in workshops pre-adoption clearly still had IF issues. To be honest here, it may be my particular mental issues and not amoms :-)

that said, the only way to get past the creepy feeling would be to talk to amom, a real heart to heart, and get a good feeling about where she's coming from. In addition, I'd research as much as possible about adoption and breastfeeding and see what benefits breastfeeding by amom can bring to your child.

btw, our bgrandma suggested breastfeeding to us after daughter was born, so it goes both ways!

LisaCA

[lmitch]

I am an adoptive mom and elected to breastfeed my son. It has been a wonderful and rewarding experience. It might not provide him with all his nutritional needs but it has become a great comforter for him. I think it also helps the parent/child relationship to grow strong in those stormy early months of adoption. Adoption is stressful for all parties involved and for us it was really a time to just relax and let the baby nurse. Also, it helps the parent as you get a wonderful surge of mothering hormones which helps you remember that yes you can parent an adopted child.
G/L
Laura

[Byngee12]

Originally posted by LorraineHauser
Im having some serious issues that the mother that is adopting my son wants to go thru a lactating process and breastfeed. To me this seems a bit extreme and i honestly dont feel comortable with it. Do i have grounds to be alarmed from this?

Hi Lorraine, I am a B-mom and I posted to say while IMO you don't have grounds to "be alarmed by this" its perfectly OK to be uncomfortable at this idea. I was and I know a few other B-moms that were/are also. I think you should voice your feelings to her especially since you have some serious issues with it. Its important that you not harbor resentments. I agree with Lisa CA in that I'd want to know exactly whats going on in an P A-moms mind also. If it makes you uncomfortable I say you should speak up and say so. I attended a support group with a P-B mom whose P-A mom confided that she'd been looking for "safe hair coloring products" since she and d/h were redheaded but unable to find a redheaded P-B mom and she'd feel better if they looked as if they were a family. I know this isn't the "norm" HOWEVER I think its important to talk. Tara

[sirrahved]

I think this is a perfectly natural urge for her. I'm sure she wants to feel a closeness to her child, and this is one very intimate and close thing that she can do.

There are many studies that have concluded that bf babies are healthier throughout life. It's something I may even consider when adopting.

What are your specific worries?

[LorraineHauser]

I think it was more that it was something new for me. I personally had never heard of it before and my first thought was a very negative creepy one. I think from a naive point of view. I was also only looking at my point of view not taking the a moms into consideration. The situation im in now the amom will not be able to breastfeed even if it was an option because the adoption is now in the air with the b father. After reading what others thought i have a totally different view and now understand some of the reasons why she would want to breastfeed. Reality is this their baby and they only want the best for him as i do.

[79nic]

Lorraine,

Hi there.

My bdaughter's amom breastfed her.

I had the same feelings you did when I found out Marie's amom was going to breastfeed. It upset me a bit.

Then I realized she just wanted M to have the best nutrition possible. She's even said that for her, it's not really about the bonding (although it's nice), it's about giving her the nutrition. She said frankly it wouldn't be worth all the time and effort to induce lactation, etc., if it was just about bonding, as there are plenty of ways to bond. Now, really... that's not creepy at all, it's very grounded.

I know the other posters said you should talk to her if this makes you uncomfy, but honestly... I'm glad you came here first. I'm going to be an oddball for saying this, but I really don't feel not-breastfeeding is a request bmoms have the right to make. To me, breastfeeding is a parenting choice. And since we're handing over our parenting roles... well, it's really the aparents' decision. If a p-bmom and p-amom were not yet matched and the p-bmom wanted to ask about breastfeeding as a criteria for choosing parents, then to me that's fine. But once the match is made, it's simply a parenting decision for the aparents... the first of many that we have to accept and maybe even bite our tongues on.

All that being said, I became perfectly comfy with the idea of Y breastfeeding Marie, and today am actually happy that she did so. It only served to give Marie a great start in life.

[stacyone]

Okay, fine, I'll be the minority.

I'm an amom and I think it's creepy.

I looked into it, was curious because I'd never heard of it. It came down to finding out that it's rare to produce all the breastmilk needed and you end up supplementing with formula anyway. You can supplement with a bottle or with a tube that gets wrapped around the neck and under the nipple. That sounded like a ton of extra mess to do something that had more to do with my ego than anything else. Besides, you can't reproduce colostrum and that's the most important part, anyway. I ultimately felt (and this is just me, I'm not saying how anyone else should feel) that this had more to do with unresolved infertility issues and trying to "pretend" away reality.

Bottom line... if you feel uncomfortable, speak up.

[79nic]

If colostrum is the only beneficial part of breastmilk, then why do pediatricians want mothers to keep breastfeeding up to nine or twelve months old?

I am 100% confident that Marie's amom has absolutely no unresolved infertility issues. She's completely comfortable introducing me to her friends as M's birthmother, and has been since day one. She wasn't just "willing" to do an open adoption, she actually wanted one.

While it may be unresolved infertility issues for some, I just would not assume that that's the case immediately. For others it's a true, core belief that breastfeeding provides better nourishment than formula.

[LibertyArk]

Hi, I know it's been a while, but I'm a breastfeeding nut. It's not about the colostrum-- babies get so little from it, in fact, the Mexican American mothers in my maternity ward elected to not breastfeed post-partum because they wanted to enjoy the hospital rest before they headed home for a fulltime 24/7 shift.

I asked my lactation consultant how these mothers were going to be able to breastfeed and then she told me that these mothers were very experienced to know that the milk would come in a few days, so they would supplement and feed the baby 2 ounces of Prosobee forumla while in the hospital, then I asked if this was the standard and I was told, no, that culturally the mothers who delay nursing were Mexican American, but too, that odds on nursing or formula feeding was 50/50 for any American (whereas in Europe the majority of nutrion for the infant comes from breastfeeding).

To me, it's astonishing how mothers who can nurse opt to formula feed, but generally I hear back that it's on account of time constraints or "just not being into it" which is either about work inconvience, or, eek, nursing been sexualized ...

I think Amoms who breastfeed their adopted newborns are awesom -- it's a lot of work to get lactation going for a mother who carried her baby, but for the Amom, usually she needs hormone boosters to jumpstart, and she's kind of in a weird social view because her nursing is viewed abnormal...

But is it really weird? Think of it... before the creation of formula and before adoption agencies, there were nursemaids and orphanages for thousands of years... Like Moses, for instance... and we've only had formula since WW2 and that was because mothers had to go to work and didn't have the convienence of nursing (plus advertising, false advertising that made formula seem better than breastmilk)... so I really do feel that Amoms who nurse deserve support because what they're doing is totally a great thing for their children. So much of the language and social development of a child starts with suckling on a mother's teat. There are scads of research on this but that would require hours of googling to point ya'll that way, but I do recommend any prospective Amom interested in breastfeeding to go for it. Breastmilk is a good thing.

[alwaysus]

I breast fed my adopted son. NOthing creepy about it, I am his mom, moms can and often times do breast feed. I plan to breast feed the baby we ardopting in June as well. Nutritionally speaking it is the best, its a wonderful bonding experience and we both needed it.
I am glad I did it and I look forward to breast feeding the new baby as well.

[myheart]

[quote]I breast fed my adopted son. NOthing creepy about it, I am his mom, moms can and often times do breast feed. I plan to breast feed the baby we ardopting in June as well. Nutritionally speaking it is the best, its a wonderful bonding experience and we both needed it.
I am glad I did it and I look forward to breast feeding the new baby as well.[/QUOTE]

Alwaysus,
I agree nothing Creepy about wanting the best for your child.....and we all know that breastfeeding is the best nutrition for babies.I wish I could have breastfed my son, but from my understanding it takes alot of preparation....preparing your body to produce milk.(everything happen to fast for us all within 1month) Could you please share your experience> I would really love to educate myself on this topic. Just in case were blessed twice

Many Blessings,
Myheart