[ChristiBender]

I just read this article in my local newspaper and wondered what other people thought about how it was handled.

Dear Amy: I am a 44-year old husband, father and soon to be grandfather. I was raised by a man who is not my biological father. In 40 years, the only information I have been given about my birthfather is his nickname. Neither of my parents (who are headed into the twilight of their lives) is willing to give me more than that.

I have always accepted the man who raised me as my father. He is Dad. I do not intend to slight him or his contributions to my life, but there have been certain genetic anomalies that have impacted the health of my children and now possibly my unborn grandchild.

Am I being unfair wanting to find this man and his family to answers these questions? - Want to Know.

Her response was:
I think you could start by showing your parents this letter. You love and value your dad for who he is - the man who loves you and who raised you. Please emphasize to your parents that your desire to know the truth behind your birth doesn't diminish your love and regard for them.

If you don't make headway with your folks and they are part of a faith community, I think it might help if you involved clergy in helping to make your case. A sensitive counselor with experience in working with family groups can meet with all of you to help explain your position and negotiate with them.

[ChristiBender]

My response to her email at askamy@tribune.com is as follows:

In the Feb 5, 2005 local paper (Fort Lauderdale, FL Sun Sentinel) your column was printed. It contained a question about an adoptee's right to know his biological father and/or his health history.

The adoptee is a 44 year old man. An adult in every sense of the word. Therefore age should not be an issue. He represented that there were health anomalies and this request was not simply one of "idle curiosity", as if there is such a thing.

He closed his post with a question, "Am I being unfair wanting to find this man and his family to answer these questions?"

You never responded to his question. Your answer was excellent in encouraging open communication with his adoptive parents by showing them the column. Your answer was compassionate as you brought up the option of utilizing his faith community to encourage understanding and a feeling of security. But you never answered his question. You never brought up the fact that there are registries, search organizations, support groups and other avenues to the information he is seeking.

That is part of the problem with adoption. No one addresses the fact that adoptees have rights to know their history. It is brushed under the carpet, ignored, shrugged off. Adoptees have no history and that seems to be fine with most of the world. I don't understand. If you suddenly found out that the family you thought was yours was not biologically related to you .... wouldn't it bring certain basic questions to your mind? I have to believe it would.

I applaud your compassion. But I am deeply disappointed that you, a public figure who is respected by many, would end your response with a sentence about "negotiating" for this information. Our roots, our heritage, our genetic structure is there, it is fixed, it is part of us - all of us. For those people who don't know the details of their own origins--- it is the absence of a basic human right. I hate to think such rights are now relegated to being "negotiated".

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Christi, that is an excellent letter. They better print it. I think Amy should have consulted a professional or many in the adoption community before answering with such fluff. She averted the whole issue of adoptees' rights, IMO. AWESOME LETTER.

[Cheryl62]

Go Christi !!!!!

Great letter -- really great.

I hope they print it. If not, we'll all want to know WHY not! LOL!

[lyndalou]

This is an issue I feel strongly about as well. Thanks for this link, Christi. Your letter is well written, forceful but not insulting. You've done a good job. The more we raise peoples awareness of issues like these, the better!

[maureen salamon]

Christi,

As always, great thought process. I read this letter in Dear Amy two weeks ago as well and thought, Duh, of course the guy should be able to find this out. But "normal" people, those who know their genetic histories for all of their lives, just don't seem to have a clue. They can't seem to put themselves in our shoes and understand what it means to know NOTHING -- or even in this man's case, half of nothing. Simply unfair. No one in their right mind would put up with it.

Thanks for being the activist among us in pointing this out.

[RiverGal]

Christi ~ Wow...Amy did a great job of evading the original question entirely. I'm glad that you responded and I hope to see your letter published.

"Fluff" is a good recap!

~Deb

[dadfor2]

christi,

it is a great letter that you wrote, and its great you sent it...

but i think that wasnt the point of the mans letter.

when i read it...it sounded like this MAN's parents already have the information that he is looking for and they are withholding the information.

but now he is concerned due to his children.

my suggestion would of actually been the same...first talk to your parents to find out...which really makes sence. tell them why you really want the information.

its actually easier then going through all all the paperwork and looking and all that stuff.....

the easiest solution would be let his parents know how he feels so he can get information. If it takes a clergy to help his parents feel comfortable with that decision, then that would still be easier.

if the parents refused...then comes the suggestions you gave...

but my first thought was that the suggestion was pretty good. talk to your parents. the problem with the letter he wrote, he didnt say when he last asked his father....was it when he was 10, 20, 30, 40 yrs old.....

to me, that is the key...but when i read it, it sounded like he reallly hasnt asked them in a while, for fear that his father might take as being disrepected.

[ChristiBender]

DadFor2.... you make a good point - actually a FEW of them!

I agree if his parents would be open that would certainly be the best solution.... but if he felt that they would be, in any way... do you think he would be writing to a "Ask Amy" kind of column? It seems clear to me that he expects NO information to EVER be forthcoming from them... and he is feeling helpless because of that belief - whether it is founded or not.

I think what bothered me was that her response didn't answer his QUESTION. He wrote in with a question, and as is too often the case with adoptees wanting to have information about their origins.... it was brushed aside as "not worthy of comment". The comments she did offer WERE good.... but they didn't address the fact that he somehow thinks his wanting to know is "unfair"..... And - that she thinks his right to this information is something to be "negotiated".

Thanks for your input though.... I will think about this more for sure. I put this on the forum for comment and discussion because .... all to often, when I see something like this and my blood boils, I feel helpless. Bringing attention to the fact that public opinion seems to be in line with her thinking... it is as easy as asking or negotiating... is something I believe is important.

Until these misconceptions are addressed they cannot hope to be changed.

On a more personal note to YOU..... Bless you for being an adoptive parent. My parents were good to me... not perfect, but good. And while they are not overjoyed with my reunion - they are supportive of it... and that acceptance of me and all that is important to me is of immeasurable value. I know that you are that kind of dad (very accepting).... and that your kids are so very lucky to have a father like you in their life.....

[srchin']

YOU GO GIRL!!!!! That a way to tell em Christi.....They need to print you response.....it gives awareness instead of evasiveness. It throws the real adoptee situation back in their face so that they have to acknowledge it!!!! As always---- GOOD JOB!!!!

srchin'

[dadfor2]

actually,

i just re-read it again...the letter from amy...and i actually take back my last post. you do not need to think about it anymore...

Quote:
"explain your position and negotiate with them."

i must of it read rather quickly. sorry guys...my opinion has changed...'NEGOTIATE WHAT?'

GO CHRISTI!!!!!

[MTL]

Christi, "Hah hah hah, poifect! says I!" How could anyone presume to speak, let alone write a column which is read by countless citizens (and some aliens), on a subject they have no clue about? What happened to research and checked sources? Awe shucks, that's what the editor is for!
I learned this in high school. You know that place you graduated from before attending and graduating college, so you could go out and get a "real job."
Criminey, you spared the writer and editor, can you imagine me? I would have feasted on them and spit out their bones. That's because I have no heart; I used to be in Advertising and PR!!! Now I'm just an artist and teacher...Hah hah hah...
Way to go, Christi. When this is printed, I want notification, so I can email the editor online...that would be justice served.
Kiss kiss, 'Ree

[ChristiBender]

Ree.... thanks for the support. I really think that nothing will ever come of it... but I had hoped that by some people on the forum seeing that we CAN respond to these kinds of things.... and perhaps responding themselves with her email address as I posted above..... we could at least be heard.

Being heard is the first step toward having the issue be "out there" at all.... and until that happens NO understanding is even possible.

Together we can make a difference..... but it takes a little tiny bit from a lot of people to get that ball rolling.

Love your support.... can't wait to read what you write to her....

[MKW]

Good job Christi - I agree that "Amy" should have checked things through before she responded to this gentleman. And good for you for trying to get our cause out there - making people understand, or at least try and understand, how much we need to know about our past, our heritage, and just like everyone else in this world, it is our absolute right to have this information. You and I are both fortunate in that we are in reunions, and now have that kind of info. My heart just continues to break for those who, for one reason or another, have not been able to obtain info. re: their heritage, who is the woman who carried me for 9 mos. It is just so basic.
I'm just glad you have the courage to speak up and make it known.
Take care.

Love,
MKW

[MTL]

Christi,
You're a writer, which we all know, among your many talents and gifts. Your intelligence and thought is evidenced by all postings, and frankly help provoke each of us to aim higher every time we consider questions and comments we as we submit our posts.
Gosh I hope you're published, it's long overdue, as are many of our community's topics. We want friends, we want them educated, and we want healthy communication without prejudice or bias in society.
You're a Warrior, and I'm so supportive of all you do, Christi.
Thank you. Totally cool. That goes for everyone else: just how awesome can you all be? Each of you are there already!!!
'Ree