[AnaColombia]

they told me I was adopted from day one (and same with my adopive older brother). it was something we always just knew. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I have come to realize that my adoptive parents denied me as I was growing up my Colombian culture (I was adopted from Bogota, Colombia) and the fact that my biological family exsists. I find it extremly hard to talk to my parents about anything to do with adoption, however now that I am 20 and adult I'm embracing the fact that I'm adopted and educating myself with adoption literature and Colombian history/culutre. I feel bad though because I'm really close with my adoptive mother and I don't want to hurt her. But I'm also angry that they kind of made the fact that we were adopted an unspoken secret after a certain point in my life. And whenever I bring up adoption with them it seems like they grimace & they're hurt. Its so frustrating being adopted.

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by AnaColombia

I find it extremly hard to talk to my parents about anything to do with adoption, however now that I am 20 and adult I'm embracing the fact that I'm adopted and educating myself with adoption literature and Colombian history/culutre. I feel bad though because I'm really close with my adoptive mother and I don't want to hurt her. But I'm also angry that they kind of made the fact that we were adopted an unspoken secret after a certain point in my life. And whenever I bring up adoption with them it seems like they grimace & they're hurt. Its so frustrating being adopted.

How sad for both of you that your amom can't share your excitement at exploring your cultural history. I think some people (especially here in America where we are often so mixed up with many cultural histories!) just don't find that sort of thing important. Perhaps your aparents are just such people.
If you feel it is important to you to learn about these things, by all means keep doing so!
It's always hard for me to understand why aparents often seem to be threatened by this sort of thing ... you don't mention looking for your birthparents, but I wonder if that's one reason why your aparents aren't comfortable with you researching your heritage.

[mj77]

Hi AnaColombia,

Do you think it might be that your parents just don't understand the importance your cultural backgroud might be to you? Sometimes it just takes educating someone on what being a part of the triad is like--even your mom. As far as feeling like your parents made your being adopted like an unspoken secret, I've seen this to be more common--sadly. I think perhaps some parents don't like to feel reminded that thier children were adopted because it makes them feel less "the norm". This site has taught me so much about respecting my boys' roots. Thank you for helping me have a better understanding of how an adoptee can feel.

[darkknight]

I was adopted into a similar race family, so I can't say I understand completely, but I do understand not talking about adoption very much. I knew as a child I was adopted, but it wasn't something discussed much. As I got older though, I did finally talk to my parents about it and come to find out, they are as curious about my roots as me. Now they are combing the internet looking for clues. My mom even sends articles she finds and they sent all the paperwork they had from my adoption.
If you feel like searching, then you should. If you feel like discovering more about you ethnic background and culture then you should as well. I wouldn't recommend trying to hide it from your parents but understand that if they don't like it or get upset, it's their issue not yours. You need to do what is right for you and from your post, that is finding out more and hopefully they will see how important it is to a member of their family and help you along.

[Cheryl62]

I don't have the cultural issues you do, but I can understand your feelings about your parents' inability to discuss your adoption openly with you.

I'm also an adoptee (though quite a few years older ), and my parents too find it difficult to discuss our adoption (my brother and me). I remember being young and folks asking where I got my brown eyes and both of us our height (we're both many inches taller than our parents!), and her making quips about vitamins, or talking about my dad's father having brown eyes. From reading here, I can imagine other issues at play that are more innocent, but to me, I guess I always thought she was embarrassed that we were adopted.

When my brother's birthfamily located him a few months ago while I was in the midst of my own search, my mom became very upset, and told me that she was our only mom, and she didn't want someone taking us away from her. Remember at the time we were 42 and 39, and have kids of our own! I can't imagine the reaction if we had been 20 years younger!

So, I do understand how this can be very hard, for you and for them. All I can suggest is that you be true to your own needs to explore your cultural identity and roots, while trying to be sensitive to whatever insecurities and fears your parents have. For me that has meant multiple conversations, emails, letters, assuring and reassuring her that I will always love her, that she is a great mom, that I'm not trying to replace her, that I adore her, and will do whatever I can to help her believe that, and feel safer about this. I also asked her if it would make her feel better if I didn't discuss it with her, or I told her everything I found. She opted to know, but that's hard too - I still feel reluctant to share too much because I feel I'm hurting her - a delicate balance to find.

This is not easy, and in my worse moments it feels a little unfair that I'm agonizing over the feelings of my birthmom and my mom, and that neither appears to be terribly concerned by my own needs, fears, feelings (yuck - self-pity feels blah! ). But, after venting to forum buddies, I'm better able to look at it that my Mom is important to me, I love her and I don't want cause her any unnecessary pain -- then I can get a grip again and try to be as understanding and reassuring as I can.

I feel for you. It is definitely a hard place to be in, but I think it helps to talk out the feelings here.

Good luck! Let us know how things are going for you, ok?

[l-thompson]

I grew up with an older brother (also adopted) and a younger sister (my mother was very surprised to become pregnant at the age of 40...a lovely surprise too!!)

My brother and I were told from a young age that we were adopted but other than that it was not talked about at all. Whenever I attempted a conversation about adoption it became clear very quickly that my parents just weren't comfortable talking about it. I accepted that and it almost became a "taboo" subject in our family. I was a sixties baby though and given the climate of society back then, I believe my parents thought that if they were good parents I would never have any questions regarding my birthparents or adoption....I understand. I do wish I had been able to discuss adoption with them and even discuss my desire to search.

Reading your post, I sense how important this is to you - to embrace your culture and to learn as much as you can. I also understand the feeling of not wanting to hurt your parents - family loyalty does runs deep.
Do you still live at home with your parents? I wonder if you just slowly introduced your parents to things you are learning about your culture......if they see how important this is to you, their reluctance to talk about things may lessen. From what I have read on the forums, your parents are probably fearful that they may loose you...reassure them, try to get them involved as well...when they realise that you want to share this with them and make them part of it, any fears they have may subside.

It would be nice to think you have their full support and that you can to talk to them about your thoughts and feelings regarding your roots so I would encourage you to try. If they are still holding back I would go for it anyway - too often we put things off in our lives for fear of hurting/disappointing others. I know I will always have regrets holding off my search as long as I did.

Take Care and best of luck to you.

[Lissa]

Originally Posted by AnaColombia

I have come to realize that my adoptive parents denied me as I was growing up my Colombian culture (I was adopted from Bogota, Colombia) and the fact that my biological family exsists.

I am a hopeful future amom to a daughter in China. I've never adopted before so I have no direct knowledge of the mother/child relationship...all I can speak of right now is what I think may be true.
I am extremely concerned about the loss of culture my child will experience. I am trying to educate myself to Chinese customs and culture...but the more I find out, the more I realize I cannot give my daughter back her culture completely. I will give her as much as possible...but ultimately whatever I give her will come through an American filter. I know from what I've read about international adoption and from being counciled it is essential I try to give her as much of her past back as possible,and I will endevour to do so, but I will always feel inadequate in that area...because I can't...it's just beyond me and her father to do that. We cannot give her back what she has lost entirely. We can put bandaids on, but the wound will never heal, and that is frustrating as he11 for a parent. Instead of focusing on what they cannot give, your parents may have focused on what they could...hoping the American culture would be enough. It's a tempting aphrodesiac. My daughter other wise would have grown up in an orphange, I can't give her back her culture, but I can give her love, security, a good opportunity in life...all important things...so it's really really easy to forget what the child has lost. Especially at the time your parents adopted internationally, when not as much was known about the subject.
Try not to be angry with your parents...know that while they may have handled giving you information on your birth and culture in a manner that was less than desirable, they probably did the best they could with the resources they had a the time. In 1985 international adoption was very young and not as much was known about it as is now. I think you have every right to go looking for as many answers as you can find. But try to remember--whether they made the right choices or not--the choices your parents made were out of love for you.

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by AnaColombia

...
I feel bad though because I'm really close with my adoptive mother and I don't want to hurt her. But I'm also angry that they kind of made the fact that we were adopted an unspoken secret after a certain point in my life. And whenever I bring up adoption with them it seems like they grimace & they're hurt.

Gosh, I could have written your post myself! I am an adult adoptee like you and only knew about my cultural heritage since I was 17. I always knew I was adopted but not that my birthfamily was from Ireland. I have the same feelings of discomfort around my parents pertaining to this. My mom also seems to grimace and squirm each time something remotely "Irish" comes up...a movie, a song, ugh.
I am learning about my culture on my own now as an adult, and I wish it had been celebrated throughout my childhood. In a way it seems like a rejection of an integral part of "ME". My parents philosophy was to "assimilate" me into their cultures so I'd be better adjusted or something. I know they meant well but they just cannot seem to validate me being bioligically "anything" cultural.

Ana, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. It's hard to work these things out on our own, and many people dont understand why your culture would be so important to you. I guess it just IS. I'm glad you are educating yourself and learning about Columbia. Eventually you will want to pass that on to your own children.

Lissa - I love that you are so concerned for your daughter's cultural 'integrity'! You have already done worlds for her by embracing Chinese culture. Simple things, just "enjoying" chinese cultural things, pointing things out to your daughter, encouraging her to learn, celebrating her country's holidays, not being afraid that she is a different culture than you, all those SIMPLE things can really mean so much. It is really amazing how much kids pick up on adult's comfort levels and what they support or discourage, even through body language.
I would encourage you to give what you can...Lissa, she IS who she IS. She cannot have all of China but that's not your fault or your doing. By validating her as a wonderful Chinese girl in your life I really think you will help her. Help her grieve her loss if she needs to. I think it is a wonderful, respectul gift to celebrate her culture.

[Saturn88]

With everyone's postings is easy to see that you are not alone. I understand what it means to you to learn about your culture. No, I wasn't adopted from another country, just another state. My adoptive family is Northern Italian through and through. I have grown up eating Italian dishes, listening to Italian songs and learning all about my parents' Italian heritage. I tell people I'm 100% Italian. I have no problem saying that.

The problem that I DO have is I know I wasn't born Italian. I'm really about 50% Irish, 25% English and the rest is German and Native American. I would love to be able to tell people about that side of my heritage too. I don't because I don't want to hurt any of my family's feelings.

I've talked about this with my mother and frankly she's supportive of my side. It's my brother whose totally against my saying that I'm Irish. He was adopted when he was 6 months old. [I was adopted when I was 7 years old]. He's 7 years older than me so he lived 14 years without a sibling. Then I came crashing in wanting to be an individual...and Irish.

It's an odd situation. I am definately Italian - I also want to be Irish.

Peace

[InionGrinn]

Odd for sure! Funny, my brother also couldn't really care about nationality - he's adopted, too, but was not interested in his birthfamily's particular origins.

I grew up with an Italian-American dad and a German-American mom. I know way more about these cultures and always in the past referred to myself as German Italian when asked...even though "technically" not true. I have a harder time sometimessaying "I'm 100% Irish" - that sounds more untrue.

Well I guess what's nice is this forum is a great place to just "be" -

Saturn you can be Irish with me here and then we'll go visit our parents be Italian.

[dpen6]

Its totally amazing to me how important heritage is to us adoptees. Ana...I too, am a whole lot older then you. At your age I really wanted to know exactly what my heritage was and how much it plays a part in who we are. But I felt that I cared to much and mabe it was not as important as I was making it out to be, after all I was brought up in a good family, had a typical middle class life so I almost felt it was silly of me to care so much. As I have become older I have realized that it is a huge issue in our lives. I too, was brought up in a italian american family but my non id info said I was irish and english.....I took in my parents and grandparents stories ,family history and learned the itallain culture and let me tell you...I think its really cool....I loved learning about it. BUT...I know it really did not pertain to me! When I was a child in Boston...there was a lot of lingering resements born of the immigrant days and I heard stories how italians were discrimated againt and the awful names they were called I had freinds that were irish and heard the same stories but reversed....that was a little confusing. AS I became older I went to the local irish pub and sang irish songs...dang that was fun and I did connect(coulda been the beer though..lol...drinking age was 18 then ..I was legal).

The fact that you are first generation makes it all the more imporant..especially here in America where heritage is huge. Did you google Columbia adoptees...I bet there may be loads of inf for you. AS far as hurting your parents...well...I also understand not wanting to hurt them...but this is something that only and totally pertainns to you...it is important and you should not minimize it.

Good luck

[Saturn88]

"Its totally amazing to me how important heritage is to us adoptees."
________________________________________

I think that heritage is important to everyone in our society. That's why it is troublesome for some of us because we can't openly say what our birth heritage is. I have gladly accepted my Italian background. People I know expect me to be "Italian". They aren't ready for me to say, I wasn't born that way.

Peace

[Lis6191]

AnaColumbia, I have been stuck in the same situation -- only difference is I remained STUCK for a long time, denying my feelings for fear of hurting my parents. My situation is very much like l-thompson -- I and my brother were adopted and 15 years later my amom was surprised (at age 40) with my little sister. They have always gotten angry/hurt if someone tries to contrast the adopted children with the bio child. They love us all the same. And they are wonderful parents. But their love and fear caused them to avoid the topic -- It wasn't a secret but it was taboo and it was never a lengthy or productive conversation. They tell me that they just wish they were all I needed . . . .

So, I took on their pain and carried a ton of guilt for wanting to know, for possibly wanting more . . . . and the years have continued to pass me by.

Don't get stuck in the guilt. Go learn about yourself, so you don't end up wondering where all the time has went . . . And more importantly, do what you need to do to be content with yourself. Take that from someone who is still not content and has a husband and 2 children to take care of -- and I'm sure who suffer from my emotional issues.

[BethanyB]

Ana, I just wanted to let you know that I think you should be honest with your parents about your feelings. Let them know you culture is important to you. I'm sure your parents will want to help you become familiar and proud of your heritage.

I think this also goes to show just how important it is that we immerse our trans racial children into their culture as much as we can. Many times I hear pbmom's say they would feel uncomfortable adopting an AA child because they don't know if they could provide them with the cultural background that they need...but they are more than willing to adopt an Asian child or a Russian child. It is just as important to surround your adoptive child in their culture if they are ANY other race then yours. The more we do that, the more confident adults they will become.

Ana, I wish you luck on all of your endeavors!

[l-thompson]

Great post Lis...and so true