[Jewels02]

Ok. Bear with me, this is the first time I have ever posted anything but I have been reading a lot of your posts and you all seem so wise!! Maybe someone out there can give me some advice.
I met my bmom 6 years ago now and it was decent for the first year but then everything went down hill from there! Oh, this is such a long story I don’t know where to start! Ours was a closed adoption, but yearly my bmom would send a birthday card to the adoption agency from her and her two (younger then me) kids and my aparents would let me have them. So really it was easy to make contact with my bmom, I called the agency and we met about six days later.
It was really great to meet her. I met her and her husband (they are now divorced) and her two kids. I met her parents and all extended birthfamily and was immediately accepted into their family like I had been there all along. This was great at the time. I was barely 20 and basically free from all worries. I had time to spend with them and go to family functions and such.
A year later my amom and bmom had a falling out. It doesn’t really matter why, that’s just another long, drawn out story, but I’ve been stuck in the middle for five years and I am beginning to feel the strain! My life is so different now. I have moved states, gotten a new job, I got married and had two kids!!! I am tired of being in the middle of a stupid argument and really want to be done with it. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get away from it.
Now, I have been through several issues with my bmom, there are way too many to list, but I think the biggest problem is that she wanted us all to be “one big happy family” and my aparents didn’t want that. I don’t blame them at all. It was never designed to be that way. My bmom had so many expectations and if they weren’t met she would get angry with you.
Now for the grand finale. My bmom is now dating my husband’s uncle. It seems like since she couldn’t become one big happy family with my aparents now she’s moved over to my husband’s side! She’s been dating him for almost two years on and off. It’s super hard because now my bmom has completely intergraded herself into my husband’s family! They love her and are very happy she is dating this uncle as he has never been married. She comes to holidays and other family functions that we are also at. She is even calling my mother in law (to whom I am VERY close) and basically “fishing” for information on me.
The last straw was when she came over to my house about a month ago and proceeded to bash my aparents to me. She even went as far as to say that my in-laws don’t like my family anymore because she is dating the uncle. I can’t deal with it anymore! I can’t have her bringing this into my home anymore. I know many will suggest just sitting down and talking to her but that isn’t an option anymore. I have tried and she interrupts everything I say and makes cheap shots like telling me my wedding didn’t live up to her family’s expectations and that the only reason I want to get together with her at Christmas time is for presents (I can’t and never will get over that last comment it hurt soo bad!!!) I am at my wits end and have avoided all contact with her for the last month.

Any advice will be well appreciated, I have cried my eyes out over this one!!

[dl]

Sorry for your situation. It's really difficult now that your in-laws are involved. You mention that you are very close with your Mother-in-law. Perhaps you could invite her to lunch and have some one on one time with her and discuss the difficulties you're having with this situation. I would certainly let your Mother-in-law know that you feel bmother is using her to "fish" for information about you and you would appreciate Mother-in-law respecting your wishes that whatever information she has be kept private.

The last straw was when she came over to my house about a month ago and proceeded to bash my aparents to me. She even went as far as to say that my in-laws don’t like my family anymore because she is dating the uncle. I can’t deal with it anymore! I can’t have her bringing this into my home anymore. I know many will suggest just sitting down and talking to her but that isn’t an option anymore. I have tried and she interrupts everything I say and makes cheap shots like telling me my wedding didn’t live up to her family’s expectations and that the only reason I want to get together with her at Christmas time is for presents

I would certainly not tolerate anyone bashing my parents. If that happens again, I would interrupt her and tell her that talk is not acceptable to you. I would also politely inform her that you do not want to exchange any Christmas presents as you are insulted by her stating that is the only reason you would get together with her at Christmas. You need to be firm and consistant if you want this situation to change, IMO. Otherwise, you are allowing it to continue. Many times people treat us the way we allow them to.

Following is some advice that Dr. Phil had on his website. Some of it seems to apply to your situation, expecially the part about You can't turn the clock back or expect to fill the role that you have not played all these years and people needing to have realistic expectations. Perhaps you could print it out for your bmother. Perhaps it will help you explain to your Mother-in-law why you are having a problem. Hope you are able to change your behavior enough that it will change your bmother's behavior. Best of Luck!

ADVICE FOR REUNITING WITH A BIOLOGICAL FAMILY MEMBER
by Dr. Phil

Reconnecting with a long lost loved one can be a powerful experience, and therefore you need to plan for it. Dr. Phil gives advice on preparing for both the reunion, and the relationship afterward.

Think about the reasons you want to reunite with your parent, child or sibling. Remember, they have a family and so do you. You can't turn the clock back or expect to fill the role that you have not played all these years. You are adults, strangers with genetic ties, coming together to build a relationship. Be realistic about the role that you feel you can play in their life and vice versa.

You must go into the reunion with realistic expectancies, not fanciful hopes. If you make someone out to be perfect, you are guaranteed to be disappointed. People get hurt when they have unrealistic expectations, and those expectancies are dashed. These unrealistic expectancies can set you up for failure. It is not what happens in people's lives that upsets them, it's whether or not what what happens in their lives is what they expected that upsets them. Don't allow yourself to think that everything in your life will suddenly be resolved overnight once you reunite, or you will be let down.

A reunion is an event, but the relationship is a process that needs time to unfold. You have to really work to build a relationship and you have to be patient. Start out with the goal of finding something that is comfortable for everybody, and don't put any pressure on yourself.

Allow a natural evolution of things to take place. Like all relationships, expect your relationship with the person you have reunited to go up and down. Your best chance for having a good relationship long term is to take it slow and move at a measured pace. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Be patient and let it unfold naturally, so that it will be lasting. You don't want to do anything that would cause this coming together to separate you again.

[newlyorphaned]

Jewel,

Man my heart goes out to you, your b-mom sounds like she had some serious issues! I think the gift thing was good advise. Sitting down and having a heart to heart with your mother in law is more than appropriate. You need to sit down and decide what is acceptable behavior from your mother and what you will not tollerate and then TELL HERE that you will no longer tollerate her behavior (ie: trashing your adoptive parents). I would let her know that if her behavior does not stop you can and will choose to stop all contact with her. Your description of her statements constitutes verbal and emotional abuse and you do not have to be a victim. You may want to have your husband confront her that he will not tollerate her speaking to his wife life that! It's taken me 40 years to realize that we do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. God bless.

[Jewels02]

Thanks for the advice and the quotes from DR Phil!!

I have tried to explain myself silly to my Mother in law. She really is a peacemaker and doesn't want to offend anyone. She is happy that her brother finally has someone he cares about and doesn't want him to lose that.
I thinks that she understands, but as I'm sure you know it is so hard to explain adoption, especially 25 years of it! My in-laws have never had any experience with adoption and I had already met my bmom before I met them so they never knew me or my family when she wasn't around.
I am glad I met my bmom, I don't regret it because it has reaffirmed some things for me as an adoptee, but when I met her I didn't need another mother. I already had a great one! And obviously bmom isn't a very good friend so what type of relationship am I supposed to have with her? Too many questions, and I know that it will take a long time to get all the answers.
Again, thanks for your reply!!

[dl]

Thanks DL
Thanks for the advice and the quotes from DR Phil!!

You're welcome! Apparently someone was offended by my reply as they negatively "rated" my post. I certainly did not mean to be offensive to anyone and I'm glad you found my post helpful. Best of Luck ~ especially during the difficult Holiday Season ~ and please let us know how things progress.

[Jewels02]

Well DL I'm not sure who was offended by your post but I thought it was great, so did my aparents. I went on the DR Phil website to look for it again but I couldn't find it. I wanted to see if there was any other helpful things on reunion like the one you sent.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

Well, you said to keep you posted so here is my latest dilemma. I know that you read the part about the Christmas presents being a big hang-up for me. Well, I didn't have any contact with bmom over the holidays. She is finally being respectful and letting me have some space (ie not calling me constantly at home and at work). But she sent presents with her boyfriend (mother-in-law's brother) over to my mother-in-law's house. Maybe this doesn't sound like a big deal but I really was trying to avoid the "present" thing this year after all of the hateful comments about it. Again, my parent's in law are in the middle having to bring these presents over to our house and knowing that I do not want them. I am becoming increasingly more agitated with my mother in law for getting in the middle of my relationship with my bmom. I know that mother in law is thrilled that her 50year old brother has finally found someone...but why in a city of 20million men is it my birthmom dating my husband's uncle????

I have tried and tried to tell my mother in law that she needs to stay out of it. I know that she doesn't mean to make me feel this way... she really is a fixer and wants everyone to get along. I am just at the point where I need a break from the pressures that bmom is putting on me and my family. That is my right. I should be able to make those decisions without them having any effect on my in laws. WHY OH WHY does it all seem so strange to me?????

[RiverGal]

Jewel02 ~ I just read your entire thread, and I am sitting here shaking my head in amazement. First of all, I am a birthmother. I thought I was being pushy by sending a contact letter! I can't imagine pulling anything like what you are being subjected to.

Please forgive me if I am too bold, but have you ever grown a garden? If so, you know the invasive nature of weeds. They start out small, but before you know it they are wrapped and intertwined around the roots of everything in the vacinity. When you try to pull them out, there is a disaster, as all the surrounding plants are affected. In my opinion, your birthmom has planted herself right in the center of your world, and like a weed, she has intertwined herself deeply into your family. Doesn't seem the most healthy of relationships.

As for her talking smack about your parents, I am with dl on that one. I'd have to draw the line there. My birthdaughter is 33. There were a ton of broken promises from her parents after the adoption, and to this day, I am still not sure she realizes she is adopted, or that I exist. In spite of that, I would NEVER say an unkind about her parents, nor would I ever appraoch the subject of the poor way they handled their relationship with me. She loves her family, and I deeply respect that. It sounds like your parents were supportive of your reunion, which is all the more reason to think birthmom is out of line.

In my opinion, it might help if you have some defined and concrete limitations....like a mental list of what you are willing to negotiate, and what you just refuse to accept. I can understand the precarious position your MIL is in, as I am a peace keeper in my own family. I hate conflict, also; however, life isn't always like Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. If she tries to intercede again, maybe you should politely tell her that you would rather she change the subject, as the stress is too much at the moment.

I am so sorry that things have gotten so complicated, as I am sure you would have liked the relationship to have grown in a healthier direction. Your birthmom obviously has a very strong personality, and aggression is often very intimidating. Set your limits, and stick to your guns....that's about the only advice I can offer. Like dl said, "We teach people how to treat us." Maybe it's time to educate.

Best of luck to you, and I sure hope that the relationship can be salvaged.

~Deb

[Jewels02]

Here I am almost two weeks later. I re-read some of the things I wrote and realize that I sound so mean?! I was kind of at the breaking point when I wrote my first post!!!
I really don't regret meeting my birthmother. I never will. I just regret that I never set boundries in the beginning. I didn't know how to at that point. I was 19 and sooo caught up in the excitement.
I was raised by the best parents. I NEVER EVER felt like I didn't belong with them. So when I met my bmom I felt like I had gained a sister! Almost like an instant best friend. That was the relationship I had with her in the beginning. I just can't believe that things got this bad. I was always told growing up that I would be in control of my relationships regarding the adoption. I could decide if I wanted to receive letters from bmom (or course I wanted too!) I could decide when I wanted to tell her my name...My sister and I even had the choice on whether or not my parents would tell people we were adopted! It just seems like all control went out the door when we had our reunion. My amom felt threatened. My birthmom wanted "her" place in my life. I could NEVER keep everyone happy....
I don't mean to come across as a horrible person, I love my birthmother dearly. I just wonder why I can't sit down with her and explain how I feel? (((HONESTLY- I CAN'T- I HAVE TRIED BEFORE AND IT DOESN'T WORK)))

My bmom's family is WONDERFUL. They accepted me with open arms from the first day I met bmom. I wanted everything to work out...I really did. It just feels like somewhere along the way the adopted child ((ME!)) became the peacemaker between aparents and bmom.....I never thought that was going to be my place. There is no way everyone in our triad is going to be happy. It seems like they want me to choose between them....
Augh! Enough said. Thanks Deb and DL for making me feel like I am not a horrid person... I REALLY APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT!!!

[LibertyArk]

Oh Jewel, you poor kid. My heart goes out to you. This is truly a sticky situation. I'm an outsider and don't know your story other than this post, but from a few things you've mentioned, I just can only recommend getting extra help from a therapist who specializes in talk therapy, someone maybe even specializing in adoption recovery, or finding a support group for adult adoptees.

Just from me to you, "easy does it." You need a breather.

I don't know if this is the story or not, but your birth mother may be trying to sabotage your relationship with your mother. Your aparent IS your real mother. She is the one who raised and loved you. She's GOT TO BE HURTING because YOU are the LOVE of her life. And it seems like your birth mother has made a bigtime chess move into weasling into your husband's family. Maybe "weasle" is too strong of a word, but I can only imagine how DESTROYED and REGRETFUL your mother feels for ever having opened the door to your birth mother. Give your mom a break and try to step back a bit and not be swept away by the whirlwind of attention your birth mother is showering upon you. It probably feels good to have that attention because you have been due it throughout life, but you need a tad of distance in order to not be reeled into another person's control.

Maybe a 12-step al-anon sort of group would help if your birth mother ever had alcohol issues... at least it's free!

I worry for you but am glad you found an outlet. Hang in there. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[LibertyArk]

Originally Posted by dl

Apparently someone was offended by my reply as they negatively "rated" my post. I certainly did not mean to be offensive to anyone

I can't believe someone left you negative feedback. Could it have been the birth mother? LOL -- but seriously, once I figure out how to use this reputation thingy, I'm positive repping you as I feel your advice was the right thing to do since the birth mother treats these "gifts" like bribes. Jewels does not need to be obligated in that way. She needs healthy affection, not manipulation.

[bwinks]

Jewels-I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will keep you and everyone in my thoughts and prayers. This must be really hard on you. Just know that you are not alone and you have came to the right place for support. There are many here that will pray and support you.
Barbara

[katnap80]

Jewels.....
Your story is so sad. I am a ** who "found" my daughter a year ago, but just recently recieved a letter and pictures showing what a beautiful, successful young woman she turned out to be. We are taking things really slow. Just knowing that she is healthy, LOVED and had a happy life is more than I can ask for. Anything further is just a bonus. I don't expect to be her "mother", but I can hope for is her friend. I have nothing but gratitude and love for her parents, for providing her with a loving home when I was not in a position to do so. They nurtured her into a wonderful person, or so it seems. It sounds like your ** is a very self centered, childish person. Maybe she is envious of your parents. They enjoyed you while you were growing up and she missed out on all those opportunities. She is jealous that she is not your #1 mom and trying to alienate you from your amom. NOT FAIR to expect you to take sides. Doesn't she realize that she really is the "outsider". Best of luck with your dilemma. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
"K"

[Jewels02]

Thanks so much for the support, encouragement and word of wisdom...they are greatly appreciated!!!

katnap80 - I wish, wish, wish that I had taken it it slowly like you are. We got so caught up in the excitement that no one stopped to take a breather! I met my bmom, we talked for a few hours at the adoption agency and I followed her home to meet her immediate family. I then agreed to go out to dinner with ALL (and there is alot!) of her extended family. Like I said before, they are all great, but there is just something very overwhelming about sitting at a table of people who all look like you but you don't even know their names! Everyone knew about me, but I didn't know one thing about them. Maybe if I had taken it slower and spent more time with just bmom we would have had time to work on "OUR" relationship rather then having to establish relationships with like 25 other people in her family? I don't know. I am kind of at a loss....

LibertyArk- Oh, I know some of the choices I made early in the reunion stage REALLY hurt my amom. Even if I had done everything PERFECT I still know that she would have had some insecurities about it. She really didn't have to let bmom send letters or have any sort of communication because ours was designed as a closed adoption. I'm sure that she does regret some of it now because things have gotton SO out of hand. All they have EVER wanted for me was the best...
Bmom and I live in different states (as of now... I have heard that she and husband's uncle have talked about buying a house in our city) well, we are about 2 hours away from each other, so I'm not sure what kind of counseling services would be available to us. I would HAVE to have an unbiased third party if I ever got to the point where I could sit down and talk to her. Let me tell you...I am NOT a person that normally has a hard time getting a word in, but with bmom....I have NO luck. Ahhh!!!

I really hope I don't offend any bmoms with any of my posts. I really have love and many thanks to mine for life....AND I REALLY WISH that we could some to some sort of understanding...

Again, thanks to ALL for the support and encouragement!

[RiverGal]

Jewels ~ Honey, I can't imagine why a birthmother would find anything you have said to be offensive. It's evident that you have the greatest respect for everyone concerned in this situation, and you are just as deserving of the same consideration and respect you offer. You have your needs, and a little space and definition of your personal "comfort zone" is healthy.

There is a wonderful book out that was co-written by a birthmother (Susan Souza)with her birthdaughter (JoanneHarrington). It's called The Same Smile. The book talks about the excitement of a reunion, as well as the fears. Even though you are well into your reunion, it may still offer a little insight to both you and your birthmom.

I do hope you are able to establish some gorundwork for healing the riffs that are jeopardizing your future relationship.

~Deb

[skinnylou]

Jewels~I am sorry that you have been placed in a position by both Moms to feel as if you must keep up with both. You are married so that lends to you are an adult. I would like to bring forth a thought that will not change a thing for you.

Your birth mother is indeed one of your mothers. Most of us have through years of conditioning been able to supress/deny our instinct. I can honestly say I am one of those. It served me well until I met my son. I do not want to be his Mom, he has one, as well, he is grown. I still have those instincts, they are alive and well, I don't act on them.

I am sure you were very upset by your birth mother talking negatively about your parents. I think I would be as well, I am also an adoptee. I would never be negative regarding my son's parents. He hasn't allowed us to meet. I look at it this way....I entrusted his parenting to his parents. He is a nice young man. Sooo...they apparently did a great job with the child I entrusted to them. There is a level of jealousy, mine. I recognize it for what it is....I do not however shift this to my son. He can't fix it...I created the situation.

As an adoptee if communication is difficult , just control your response to any form of communication. Lack of response is a response. As a birth mother don't close the door but you might crack it a little. Tell your birth mother point blank. This topic is not open for discussion and I won't respond to the following....ie gifts. If you wish to give make your gifts to the children.

Your birth mother has as Deb described infested your life. What a shame but you may need to disallow the blending for yourself,and your parents. Christmas alternate years, Thanksgiving ect. I also think it would be wise if your hubby is feeling the strain placed on you to speak up on your behalf, especially with his mother.