[Jiga42]

Yeah i seem to have aimed my anger at the wrong thing. How many adoptees need to kill themselves for something to change? I just can't stand how this society is all about money. If someone were to give me a million dollars i wouldn't give a **** about any of this adoption stuff. I'm just pissed off at the way things are and the fact that i can't concentrate on anything w/o getting extremely upset that everyone else is lucky enough to have a mom and dad, and i had two moms one of which i never met and one of which died when i was twelve. I feel as if i have inherited BAD DECISION making skills because my life is a total waste. I mean i just graduated college, am 20k in debt, can't get a job, addicted to drugs, can't find a girl, no family, and am about to become homeless. I mean what the hell happened to me? It would be much easier if i could find the strength to end my miserable existance. I don't feel sorry for myself because i've had an awesome life where a lot went right for me, but thats all gone now and replaced by nothingness. The things i once enjoyed are gone as are the people i once loved. The only thing that feels good is music, and that don't pay the bills.

[Volfe]

Well Jiga

You seem to be feeling a tad sorry for yourself:
Debt, drugs, no gf, no family, no job...

I find those feelings to be totally unproductive when I have them. In fact, somewhat counterproductive...
It's like when I'm feeling negative, I attract negative situations.

Offhand, I hate the debt and try to not blame the ex for getting me here. Only I can dig myself out.
I fought drugs personally and they lost.
I couldn't give a Drat about being single or not since i'm working on leaving my bf (the father of my adopted daughter).
I was laid off for a year and it was horrible and a college educated graduate with honors had to be a cashier in a gas station (it does at least, pay some of the bills).
I'm now back in my old job which I hate but it pays all the bills and then some...
I am not close to my family and just accept that.

I am trying to change my life, Only I can do that.
Anger, like I said before, is healthy but I won't go on about what you need or anything...

Good luck

Maia

[ChristaIL]

Hmmmm.... I'm stumped.

I know where you are coming from, I'm also a college graduate... who has approx. 35k in debt, and for almost 10 years I was using drugs... and not just one or two kinds, I'd done pretty much everything I could! And I used to feel sorry for my self and blame it on my poor upbringing... but I'm stumped because I cannot say for sure what it is that caused me to turn my life around... I guess I just got sick of feeling so disgusting/disgusted with everything I was doing and everything around me. Once I kicked the drugs in the butt and went and got a low paying but available job I started to feel better about myself... and you know what, once I felt better about myself, I automatically presented myself in a better, more confident way and now I have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 years and we have a 2 yr old son that we are raising together and I have never been as happy as I am this very moment. That is why I have now, at 29, decided to finally start my search for my bparents... because I finally have the courage and strength that I didn't even realize I was lacking before.

All I can think to tell you is that no matter how small the job, you need to put your time and energy into working, and also find a way to go out and enjoy life without the drugs. Do things where you won't need the drugs to 'supposedly' make you feel better. Things where you will be out in the public where you can meet new friends and eventually a good person to spend your life with. Take care of yourself, get up in the morning, take a nice warm shower, put on your best clothes... and a little cologne... go to work... it's amazing how a little pampering can really make you feel better about yourself, make you feel like your are worth so much more. There are certain problems in your life that were 'given' to you... yet there are many problems that you have 'given' to yourself. You've given these to yourself because you don't feel you are worth better, but you know what? You are worth alot more than you think, and if you can find a way to portray that others will see it as well and you won't have to be alone anymore. You're probably just thinking about the fact that I don't know you, but guess what... I do know you, because I was you! Luckily, I was a coward, I wanted to at times but never really had the gutts to take my own life, and to think that if I had I would never have what I do today is a scarry thought. My son is the most beautiful wonderful thing in my life, and to think I almost gave up that future for my own self pity.

You can do it!

Christa

[Volfe]

Christa, that was such a good post!

I too have been down the same rough road but you have said it the best. I'm not very eloquent... I'm more blunt/ roughshod. therefore I tend to stay quiet on the boards... (tos yanno).

Jiga, regardless, we are willing to lend you an ear. Just be willing to listen too I guess.

Take care

Maia