[mandy88143]

Hello Everyone,

I need some advice. I recently found my Bmom (2months ago) it has been a very emotional experience for me. I was expecting the worse but it has been wonderful. we have E-mailed mostly, and talked on the phone a few times. I will be getting pictures through the mail soon. So here comes the problems!!!!!!!!1

My Adoptive parents have always been open with me and I knew I was adopted. As I got older I wanted to know more and about 2yrs ago I started looking for my Bmom or Bdad. my Amom knew all about it and supported me and understood why I needed to do this. But, the problem now that I have found her the support has changed. She is trying to tell me how to do this and that I shouldnt rush any of this. Things like well, "if she loved you that much and she had all this family that loved you then why did she give you away." I am almost 23 yrs old and It just gets to be to much. She really doesnt even want to me meet her or at least wants me to wait a year. and if I meet her I should have my Aparents there with me. Ok I understand that but the first time I meet her I just think it should be my bmom and myself, then the next time thats fine if my amom wants to be there. I think my amom thinks i will leave her for my bmom. That is NOT the case at all. I have told her that over and over. I dont know what else to do anymore. It hurts me because I dont want my Amom to be mad at me I love her and always will. But she will never understand fully how I feel inside. After e-mailing and talking to my bmom I feel she is a nice person and was young and did what she thought was best. I just want everyone to be happy and just maybe I am asking too much.
If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it!

Thank-you All,
mandy

[Laura Palmer]

I kinda went through the same thing with my a-mom. But I am older than you (35). I found my b-mom in Aug.2002 but before I could meet her or talk to her---she passed away in Jan.2003. I think she was thinking if she should meet me or not. I was her "only" child & she was very nervous & upset over this, I think. Then I went on to find my b-father, (deceased 20yrs. ago). He was a junkie & I guess that is the reason I am adopted. So yes, I do have some questions answered.

But to get back on your subject here, my a-mom was the same way (supportive) when I first found everyone deceased. But then when I found my uncle & aunt (on my birthfather's side) she was happy for me. But I think she felt a little threatened by them. They came to see me alot. Me & my uncle would go fishing every weekend. So what I did was not talked so much about them in front of her & my a-dad. I kinda put my aunt & uncle on hold for now. Yes I still talk to them on the phone. I guess I was just so excited I wanted to hear from them all the time. But theyre not going anywhere & they'll always be there. That is how I look at my situation. As for you, I definately think you should meet your b-mom by yourself. Then if everything goes well, why not have your a-parents meet her. It may take some "edge" off. Just my thoughts.

[thesearchguru]

You might buy this book (read it first) and then give it to your adoptive parents...

“Courageous Blessings: Adoptive Parents and the Search”
…by Carol L. Dumuth

This 50 page booklet by Carol Demuth is written to assist adoptive parents whose children have decided to search for their birth family. Chapters include:

Is it a betrayal?

Who Searches?

Why do they search?

When they seek your support

How will you feel?

Seeking support for yourself

Putting yourself in their shoes

What's a parent to do?





California Website:


Other great websites to check out:
http://www.adoptionchat.com
http://www.adoption.com
http://www.adopting.org
http://registry.adoption.com/

[sherrykimball]

I think alot of aparnets feel that now that we are looking and find
bparnets.i have found my bmom and like Laura mine has passed away 10 mon before. I had looked off & on for yrs.but not hard when it was phones and paper trails if you didn't no what u were doing u were out of luck. but with the net its easier and u can talk to other persons and get help or just talk. I have siblings and my amom don't even want me to talk to them. so I tlk without telling her my aparnets are my parnets. I had great aparnets people don't seem to understand that for some of us this isn't something we can help we have to find out

[mandy88143]

Hello everyone!


Thank-you everyone for your support and advice. The pictures came the other day. It was emotional for me but it was just a funny feeling I wish I could explain it, I didnt see to much of myself in any of them (b-mom, B-dad and half siblings) I think I was really wanted to be like "OK this is who I look like" Does that sound funny? I dont know it was just hard. I did see some similarities, But I have no real recent picture of my bdad.
So I opened the pictures with my a-parents thats what they wanted it went fine my adad doesnt say much but I know he supports me, My amom on the other hand is still cruel at times. I was so HURT when later that night she came in my room and said you know what I would do " make copies of some of the pictures you want and then sent the rest back to her meaning my B-mom, because you dont really need all those some of them are just not important. I was just in shock!! I just told he no I would never do that, my bmom took time to put this together for me and she wants me to send them back.
I dont think I will ever get my a mom support she wants me to do it the way she would and I am not her.
So again thank-you to everyone and I am going to get that book and see how it works out maybe it will help.

Love and thanks.
Mandy

[Laura Palmer]

I am so happy you got the pictures of your birthfamily!!!!!!!! I am also so sorry your a-mom has not been very supportive. I received a bracelet the other day that my b-mom's friend had & sent to me. I almost started to cry, it was the same one I wear on my wrist everyday. I guess we would have had alot of things in common, huh??? Well, yesterday I went out shopping with my a-mom & forgot that I had my b-mom's bracelet & mine on together, so quick I took my b-mom's off (it has her name on it) & I put it in my purse for safe keeping. I don't think our a-parents understand that we sort of need this. I think my a-mom would of flipped if she saw it!!!! Hang in there. I hope things get better for you. (my b-mom is deceased, so I don't understand how my a-mom should be worried). Take care,


Sue

[lonzygray]

Wow...I'm so sorry to hear the termoil of feelings that you are having. Let me start by suggesting this:

I think your amom loves you dearly. She spent a lot of years trying to be a good mom, loving and caring for you. Now that you found your bmom, I think she might feel threatened. She might be afraid she didn't love or care for you enough and you might be looking for it in your bmom. She has these ill-feelings towards losing you, I think, and not YOU or even your bmom.

I was lucky to have the support of all my family in finding my bfamily. Like some of you, my bmom passed away before I met her. I am thankful for the bsiblings I met and I continue a relationship with my one bsister as we are closer in age. Although my family supported me, they also tried to tell me how to handle meeting themand corrusponding with them. At one point, my amom took the photos of my bfamily, including my bparents, and wouldn't return them to me. I was 21 at the time and NOT living at home. She felt I didn't need the reminder of what I went through and where I came from. Eventually I got the pics back, but it took a lot. I explained over and over again that I just needed to find the missing link to my past. I wanted to know who, why, what, how, where, when....by the time I was 26 and had a child of my own and my bmom realized there really was no threat between our relationship, she actually asked to meet my bsister and her family (who were actually our baunt/uncle). My amom embraced my bsister and cried. She did the same to her aparents and they all cried and cried. My amom thanked them for taking care of my bsister and being supportive.

It was amazing, emotional and scary. I really think you should just give amom some time and maybe not share information with her right now. When she is ready, she'll come to you. I might advise you to keep any items from bfamily put away...I never thought my amom would ever take something from me; especially pictures, but she took them right out of MY house!

I pray things will get better and easier for you and your amom. It really is impossible for anyone who has NOT been adopted to understand why we need to "find our past". The only way I can describe it is that I needed to find the missing link or piece of the puzzle to my life. One doesn't go into it looking for a relationship, but if one come from it, then it was meant to be.

Best of luck.

[Laura Palmer]

I totally agree with you to put the things of "value" away & hide them from your a-family. I have a bag full & a box full of my b-mom's things, the bag is in my closet & the box is in my basement. I've told my a-mom about them, but have never shared them with her. My b-uncle (who is an artist) gave me a picture he painted. Sometimes I keep it out in my bedroom, but most of the time it stays in the closet. I think if it is out of site then it is out of mind. This was no one will get their feelings hurt. That is the last thing I want to do is hurt my a-parents feelings, that is why right now---I don't say much about my b-family to them. One day things may change. They too have met my b-aunt & b-uncle, but I don't really think they want me being too"close" to them. I am sort of close to them, but I definatley don't make it an issue to my a-family!!!!!!!!

Sue

[mandy88143]

Thank-you again for your advice and support. I really agree with the point of not telling my amom all about what is going on with my bfamily but she says she wants to know and doesnt want to be left out. so I tell her but I try to hide some of the emotion. My Bmom wants to meet and I think I want to meet her too. I know I have half-brothers lots of uncles and aunts. ect.. I just feel so gulity about meeting them like my amom will never forgive me.
I feel though I am 23 yrs old and have to do whats right for me not to be selfish at all but I need to know my past.
My big question is what do I tell my amom should I tell her I am meeting her? I just would feel terrible if she found out. she would never forgive me if I didnt tell her but on the other hand she will talk me out of meeting her. I guess the truth hurts but in the end its best.
well thank you to all!!
love
mandy

[lonzygray]

When I met my bfamily (bsisters and LOTS of aunts, uncles and cousins...seems we had a massive family), I didn't tell my amom for 3 months that I did. I waited until she was ready. She had wanted to go with me when I first met them...she wanted to "protect" me. But I also knew they wouldn't be as open and neither would I. I was happy about the choice I made. But you have to do what is best for you! Good luck!

[Laura Palmer]

I met members of my b-family without my a-parents, but then again I am older than you. But I think you should try to go it alone. This way you can be yourself & not be afraid to show your emotions. I know with myself I tend to laugh instead of like "say for instance" crying. It's just a way when certain people are around, that's the way my emotions come out. You'll have to make the decision of going alone or with your a-mom, this is just my opinion. Good luck!!!!!!!!!


Sue

[Just Julie]

I think you ought to tell the truth. It is so much easier to live with! Tell your amom that you and bmom will be meeting and that you want to do it alone the first time. Tell her you will tell her all about it and that she can join you another time. Then tell her about the first meeting as much as you think she can handle and that you feel comfortable sharing. Do include her on a subsequent visit. I think it will go fine for you. Your mom will get used to your new relationship in time. Take care of yourself. God bless.

[sherrykimball]

I haven't been able to meet my pfamily yet. but 1 sister may come here around thanksgiving when I saided something to my amom it was like what about her. I always have Thanksgiving @ my house but we're done by 5 or so and she goes home. I wish she would understand Bmom has passed away so that can't be the problem. My abrother is ok with it so I don't understand what there is to get upset about. she doesn't even like me to be an the net oreven in these's forums
ButMandy88143 u have to do want u feek is right 4 u
good luck and have fun

[lonzygray]

I had another thought:

Since we just adopted our daughter through DSS, it has given my mother (amom) and I a great deal to talk about. All the feelings that go along with it, the "memories" and we have talked a lot about how much different it was back when we (me and all of you who were adopted so many years ago) were adopted. They really were not given the "education" or rescources we were given as we took our foster care and then adoption classes. There were no such things back then!!! While we are now educated on how important it is to support our adopted children in finding their bfamilies and being more open about things, our parents never got that opportunity. They really have a different way of thinking sometimes, based on their experiences. I know my mom was so into all the information from our classes. She said the information sure would have been helpful to them. I pray that I have the strength to stand with my daughter when she locates her bfamily years down the road. I pray I can be strong and open hearted...

I can't help thinking that our amoms just don't want us to get hurt....it's a mother's job to protect her children. I will say, though, that part of the reason I didn't want my mother to go with me to meet my amom is because I wanted to protect her as well. My case was one of severe abuse and neglect and how could I bring my mom face to face with some of the people who were responsible for that? Not until I knew more information and who was actually involved. Also, if she had asked me, before I told her, I would NOT have lied. It's true, the best policy is to tell the truth...but if the truth is going to cause more pain and anguish, I think the best policy is, "If they don't ask, don't tell...until the time is right."

The final decision has to be one that is right for you...one that you can live with and accept. Let your heart guide the way... think compassionately and you'll do what is best. This forum is great for support so no matter what happens, know there is always someone here for you!!!

Best of luck...keep us posted!
Hugs............

[mandy88143]

Thanks to everyone for your advice!!!


I think I will talk to my amom about meeting my bmom and let her know that I will share things with her if she would want that. (which I think she will) and that maybe next time she could come with me. But The first time I want it to be the two of us.
So I will just tell the truth and if she doesnt like it I will still know that the truth was told and hope she will accept that and still understand some day, I love my amom and family and I hate to hurt her so I hope she will understand

Thanks again,
Mandy